even if your HEART is broken

Fic: A Real Boy (Dean, John) PG, 1/1

2008-08-29T12:13:08Z

I hope to finish up icons tonight so I can post. But, for now, I'm going to post this short fic I wrote while at work. I don't really think it's all that great but I never think anything I write is great so I'll just go by your opinions. And I HATE macs. And Safari. And Firefox. Ok I'm done.

Title: A Real Boy
Rating: PG
Words: 1325
Characters: Dean, John.
Summary: Wee!Chester fic. Eight year old Dean is not a big fan of school.
Spoilers None
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.

A/N: This hasn't been beta'd. Mistakes are bound to be in it, though I try to catch most of them. Hope you enjoy!

A little boy sat alone on the hot blacktop of his school's playground, slumped forward and picking at his nails with his teeth as he watched all the other children play. No one had asked if he wanted to join them and he was afraid if he asked they'd tell him no. He hated being the new kid. Unfortunately, he was always the new kid. When he was in first grade, he made the mistake of crying in front of his dad over it. He cried because no one played with him. Dad told him he needed to toughen up and he guessed he was right. So instead he cried in the bathroom so he wouldn't look like a sissy. Didn't really make him any less of one but at least no one saw him cry. Now, in second grade, he's used to it. He got along just fine without friends so who needed them? That's what he kept telling himself.

He was used to having someone to play with when he was home. His little brother was always around and always wanted him to do stuff. School was different. At school, he was lonely. He got to the point where he was counting down the minutes until the final bell rang and he could leave. Everyday, he'd run home as fast as his legs would take him and his little brother would be waiting for him. Playing with his brother was the only time he felt like a real boy and not just the shell of one.

He knew his family was different. He'd known for a while. His dad had a very important job that he knew was way cooler than any of the other kid's parents. His dad was a hero. One day, he hoped he could be one too. But right now, he just wanted to be a boy. Didn't seem like anyone wanted to let him. He understood his life wasn't normal. He didn't think like kids his age and he knew more than he really should. Couldn't he ever just pretend not to be different?

He watched the other boys play basketball and wished he could join in. The only time he got to play with kids his own age was during gym class and, even then, he didn't really get to play. He was always picked last and no one ever really passed him the ball unless the teacher made them. He hated dodgeball with an absolute passion. Whoever had invented that sport needed to be hunted down and burned to a crisp. His dad told him it was good practice. For who? The future sadists in his class? You could only dodge so many balls at once.

He shook his head. School was the only place he could be a kid and he was getting the shaft there too. He just wanted to do normal stuff sometimes. He wanted to play games with friends and ride a bike. He wanted to stay in one place for longer than a month and get into trouble without feeling like his world was ending. He wanted a lot of things. But, like most things he shouldn't be used to, he was. He was used to apartments instead of houses and motels instead of apartments. He was used to cheap clothes and highway diners. He was used to being the one in charge while his dad was away for a couple of days. He was used to lying. His teachers taught him to be honest. Dad taught him that some people aren't ready for the truth.

He let out a long suffering sigh when the bell rang to signal the end of recess. He rose to his feet and trudged his way back inside, slowly following behind his other classmates. His teacher waited at the door for everyone to get in and he pretended to ignore her frown. She was always frowning at him. It made him nervous.

"Dean, please hold up a second," the young teacher asked. Dean did as he was told but not without letting a groan slip past his lips.

"Yes, Miss Burnley?"

"I've been watching you at recess, Dean. You always sit by yourself. Why don't you play with the other students?"

His only answer was a shrug.

"I know being the new guy is difficult, but you won't make any friends if you're always being a wallflower. What do you say tomorrow you join the other boys tomorrow in a basketball game? Give it a try. You never know, you just might make some friends. How's that sound?"

Again, Dean just shrugged. She had a habit of talking to her students like they were five or puppies or something. How was he ever supposed to take her seriously?

"All right. Let's get to class. It's math time!" Dean rolled his eyes at her enthusiasm, causing her to laugh. He couldn't help but think how utterly clueless she was.

The next day, Dean got into a fight with one of the other boys and was sent home. Miss Burnley told him she was disappointed and had that stupid frown on her face. The fight wasn't even his fault. When he told his dad what happened, his dad told him he did the right thing by standing up for himself. But then he got that look on his face like Dean was in trouble. The drive home consisted of a long lecture about keeping a low profile and staying out of trouble.

"I need to be able to count on you, Dean. I can't be worrying about you at school when I need to concentrate on a hunt. You know that."

"Yes, sir."

His dad sighed. "Pick your battles, son. There's always gonna be some kid that thinks he can be the bully but you can't fight them all."

Dean figured that was a line of crap. His dad went after all the bullies. Didn't matter that they were evil or not. Dean kind of considered his class to be evil anyway. But he nodded his head in agreement despite what he thought. It was the whole "do as I say, not as I do" crap that Dean had heard several times already. He couldn't wait for the time when he could do as his dad did. He figured he'd have an easier time knowing what was right then. He was tired of thinking he did the right thing but being all wrong about it.

School was pretty much going to keep sucking, he guessed.

"I promised Sammy we'd have something special for dinner tonight. I'm not going to disappoint him just because you screwed up. Consider yourself lucky that I don't feel like dealing with one of his temper tantrums. Kid was getting on my nerves all day today. But you remember what we talked about."

"Yes, sir."

"And, Dean? No tv for a week." Dean started to open his mouth in protest but one look from his dad had him closing it with a click of this teeth. As far as punishments went, he supposed that was pretty tame. He didn't want to push his luck but he needed to know.

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah?"

"The other kid? I got him good, didn't I? I mean, I did everything you taught me. I ducked and weaved and let him do all the work and then I found my opening. Just like you said to."

John smirked. Couldn't really deny it. "Yeah, Dean. You got him good."

Dean smiled, a little triumphant. It may have been wrong but at least he'd done it right.

Sometimes he didn't feel real and then times like this, when his dad smiled at him and ruffled his hair, he really did. So maybe that was okay. Dean was fine with that. He had his little brother and he had his dad. He guessed he wasn't supposed to need anything else.

End.

Cross-posted @ dean_sam, sn_fic, spn_fics, and spn_gen

HELP

2008-08-28T16:26:29Z

I'm going absolutely crazy right now. I have to make a birthday banner (non work related mind you) for this 86 yr old woman for the VP. She keeps bugging me about it but the pictures she gave me suck ass. It's a 3'x6' banner and SO not what I'm good at making. I'm good at making stuff like my header and layouts and stuff. Not simple, boring banners with solid backgrounds and low quality cropped pictures. This is torture. I've made several already and hated every minute of it. They'd say it was really good and I'll look at them like they were smokin' something. I'm not used to downplaying crap. *sigh* And I have no idea what to do for this woman. She's 86 and still water skis and line dances and tap dances. She's got more energy than me. Anyone wanna throw ideas at me about a layout? I'm getting a headache over this.

Not feeling witty

2008-08-27T12:53:16Z

I had every intention of posting stuff yesterday. Even had plans to make icons for 3x14. What did I do instead? I SLEPT. I didn't even realize I was that tired but as soon as I got home, I ate an early dinner, watched about an hour of tv then just fell asleep. A friend called me at 6 and I fell back to sleep once the call was over. I planned on getting up around 7 but just kept sleeping. Mom called at 9 to make sure I was still alive because I usually talk to her everyday. And that's when I decided to just to go bed. I worked and I slept. How frakking boring is that? I probably slept 12 hours. And I'm still tired. *sigh*

It's Wednesday, and my mom, our friend Sue, and myself go out on Wednesday's so there will be no posting tonight either. What a wasted day yesterday was.

Longest day ever

2008-08-22T15:00:18Z

This is how I feel today...

KUNG FU FIGHTING!

Wallpaper: Jensen Ackles

2008-08-16T16:45:45Z

I got a little bored last night and couldn't make a layout to save my life. So I made a little manip. That turned into probably my best wallpaper. Well, in my opinion. So I'm sharing. Also, I made a few icons/art and I'm not sure if I wanna post them. They're not like extraordinary or anything I just thought they were cute. An example is the icon I'm using for this post. They're wanted posters. Want?

Wallpaper:

Click here to view full size.

I wanted a cowboy. I got me a cowboy.

Icons: 22 Jensen Ackles Promo

2008-08-14T21:31:16Z

I wanted to post these on Monday but decided to make more. And then I was just never home. I hate that. I had two friends only banners but my computer ate them. *shrugs* Maybe I'll make more another time. I have a story to post that I really need to get to. Anyway, here are the icons. Jensen's so pretty. *sigh*

Promo: Jensen Ackles

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13	14	15	16

17	18	19	20

21	22	NO ICON	NO ICON

Cross-posted @ acklesaholics, dean_sam, jensen_daily, spn_icons, supernaturalart, supernatu_icons, and winchestercases

Work? What the hell is that?

2008-08-06T14:43:52Z

Only 10:30 and I've already completed my production work for today. So unless something new comes in, I'm gonna be pretty bored. Thus, here I am. I have a few icons to post from the recent Jensen pics that have been posted. Out-takes they call them. Whatever the hell ever. Those pics are just... *faints* I also made 2 Friends Only banners because 2 of the pics turned out so pretty for icons. I've never made Friends Only banners. Mainly because I don't use them but I thought, what the hell? I'd post them except my internet at home is currently non-existent. Maybe Thursday I can bring them on disc to work and to post them. Yeah.

I also have a short little story that I wrote, big surprise, at work. It's called A Real Boy and I'm not sure if it's all that good but I'll post it anyway. It's a Wee!Dean story. I've got another one I started that takes place when Dean is 17 and that kind of goes with A Real Boy in the sense that it's for contrast. A young Dean in school versus an older Dean. I'm still working on another one as well but laziness prevents me from typing up crap I have hand written. Bad Kerry.

I wish I could actually make something but I don't have any of my resources to work with. *sigh* I'm gonna have to start a work tag if I keep posting while I'm here.

Icons: 30 Supernatural, 3.13

2008-08-03T17:37:16Z

Finished these up last night but it was a little late to be posting. I like these. Had some fun making some of them. PLUS! Hehe. I got PS 7 just to tinker with it. I have PS CS3 at work and kind of loathe it but I figured what the hell. Basically, I got it because I wanted to do an animated icon. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out Image Ready and thus an animated icon was born. It's my first decent animation anyway. Now that I now how to use it, I might do more. So without further boring you... icons!

Supernatural: 3.13 - Ghostfacers

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21	22	23	24

25	26	27	28

29	30	NO ICON	NO ICON

Cross-posted @ acklesaholics, dean_sam, jensen_daily, supernaturalart, supernatu_icons, and winchestercases

Because I should be working

2008-07-24T17:01:08Z

I should be doing work and not fooling around on the internet. Shh... don't tell the boss!

Snagged from smores100 who snagged it from ctheinvisible17 :

1. Bold the names of guys you'd definitely shag.
2. Italicize the names of guys you might shag after a little persuasion.
3. Leave the guys who don't do anything for you alone.
4. Put a question mark after the guys you've never heard of.
5. Strike the guys you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.
6. ADD FOUR OF YOUR OWN AT THE END.

1) Dr. Christian Troy (Nip/Tuck, tv)
2) Mike Delfino (Desperate Housewives, tv) ?
3) Dr. Gregory House (House M.D., tv)
4) Warrick Brown (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, tv)
5) Dr. Derek Shepherd (Grey’s Anatomy, tv)
6) Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo (NCIS, tv)?
7) Jim Halpert (The Office, tv)
~~8) James 'Sawyer' Ford (Lost, tv)~~
9) Danny Taylor (Without A Trace, tv) ?
10) Derek Morgan (Criminal Minds, tv)?
11) Noah Bennet (Heroes, tv)?
12) Michael Scofield (Prison Break, tv)
13) Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian (Scrubs, tv)
14) Sam Winchester (Supernatural, tv)
15) Chandler Bing (Friends, tv) I've always loved him
16) Jack Bauer (24, tv)
17) Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity, movie)
18) Westley (The Princess Bride, movie)
19) Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean, movie)
20) Rusty Ryan (Ocean’s 11, movie)
21) Detective Mac Taylor (CSI: NY, tv) ?
22) Detective Danny Messer (CSI: NY, tv) ?
23) Sheriff Jack Carter (EUReKA, tv) ?
24) Dr. Nathan Stark (EUReKA, tv) ?
25) Jonathan Creek (Jonathan Creek, tv) ?
26) Dr. James Wilson (House, MD, tv)
27) Mark Corrigan (Peep Show, tv) ?
28) Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride and Prejudice, tv, book and movie)
29) Jools Siviter (Spooks a/k/a MI5, tv) ?
30) Captain Jack Harkness (Dr. Who/Torchwood, tv)?
31) Danny Ocean (Ocean's 11, movie)
32) Jack Bristow (Alias, tv)
33) Dr. Owen Harper (Torchwood, tv)?
34) The Doctor (Doctor Who, tv) ? I've heard of better never seen/watched
35) Commodore James Norrington (Pirates of the Carribean, movies)
36) Nathan Petrelli (Heroes, tv)
37) John Winchester (Supernatural, tv) guh
38) Eric Delko (CSI: Miami, tv)
39) Rick Simon (Simon & Simon, tv)
~~40) Ardeth Bay (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, movies)~~
41) Withnail (Withnail & I, movie) ?
42) Gene Hunt (Life on Mars, tv) ?
43) Dean Winchester (Supernatural, tv) several million times
44) Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tv)
45) Mick St. John (Moonlight, tv)
~~46) Mr. Big (Sex and the City, tv)~~
47) Henry Fitzroy (Blood Ties, tv) ?
48) Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights,tv) ?
49) Peter Petrelli (Heroes,tv) ?
50) Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars,tv)
51) Rodney McKay (SGA, tv)?
52) Chris Keller (Oz, tv) ?
53) Mohinder Suresh (Heroes, tv)
54) John Sheppard (SGA, tv)?
55) Dr. Daniel Jackson (SG-1, tv)
56) Alec McDowell (Dark Angel, tv)
57) Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, tv)
58) Priestly (Ten Inch Hero, movie) Jensen in eyeliner... *dies*
59) Jason Teague (Smallville, tv)
60) Angelus (BtVS, Angel, tv) ANGEL yes, his evil alter ego, not so much
61) Logan/Wolverine (X-Men, movie)
~~62) Jess Mariano (Gilmore Girls, tv)~~ really didn't like the dude
63) Sam Tyler (Life On Mars, tv) ?
64) Harold Saxon/The Master (Doctor Who, tv)?
65) Ianto Jones (Torchwood, tv)?
66) Steven Hyde (That 70's Show, tv)
~~67) Cassidy Casablancas (Veronica Mars, tv)~~
68) Mason (Dead Like Me, tv)
69) Robbie Turner (Atonement, movie) ?
70) Derek Reese (Sarah Connor Chronicles, tv) ? Is that Brian A Greens character? *shrugs*
71) Chris Miles (Skins, tv) ?
72) Tony Stonem (Skins, tv) ?
73) Dexter Morgan (Dexter, tv)
74) Reed Garrett (CSI: NY, tv) ?
75) Greg Sanders (CSI, tv)
76) Nick Stokes (CSI, tv)
77) Dick Casablancas (Veronica Mars, tv)
78) Charlie Pace (LOST, tv) I luff him
79) Merry Brandybuck (Lord of the Rings, movie, book)
80) Pippin Took (Lord of the Rings, movie, book)
81) Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl, tv) ?
~~82) Ryan Atwood (The OC, tv)~~
83) Charlie Prince (3:10 to Yuma, movie) ?
84) Brendan Frye (Brick, movie) ?
85) Seeley Booth (Bones, tv)
86) Noah Calhoun (The Notebook, movie)
87) Scotty Valens (Cold Case, tv)
88) Nate Archibald (Gossip Girl, tv) ?
~~89) Edward Cullen (Twilight, movie/book)~~ no next to nothing about this series but so damn sick of hearing about it
~~90) Emmett Cullen (Twilight, movie/book)~~
91) Louis Connelly (August Rush, movie) ?
92) Alex Karev (Grey´s Anatomy, tv)
93) Jake Perry (Sweet Home Alabama, movie)
94) Tyler Gage (Step Up, movie)
95) Denny Duquette (Grey's Anatomy, tv) never watched this show but saw a clip of JDM hehe
96) Jake Jagielski (One Tree Hill, tv) ?
97) Dean Forester (Gilmore Girls, tv)
98) Sid Jenkins (Skins, tv) ?
99) Matt Saracen (Friday Night Lights, tv) ?
100) Cappie (Greek, tv) ? vague recollection
101) Doug Ross (ER, tv)
102) Smith Jerrod (SATC, tv) ?
103) Ted Mosby (HIMYM, tv)
104) Spike (Notting Hill, movie) ?
105) Robert Chase (House MD, tv)
106) Jack O'Neill (SG1, tv)
107) Ned "The Pie Maker" (Pushing Daisies, tv)?
109) Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars, movie and books)
110) Harry Potter (Harry Potter, book and movie) he's too young...*sigh*
~~111) Logan Huntzberger (Gilmore Girls, tv)~~
112) Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, book) ?
113) Michael Vaughn (Alias, tv)
114) Rufus Humphrey (Gossip Girl, tv) ?
115) Chuck Bartowski (Chuck, tv)
116) Pacey Witter (Dawson's Creek, tv)
117) Captain Malcom Reynolds (Firefly, tv)?
118) Legolas (LotR, movie and book)
~~119) Chad Danforth (High School Musical, movie)~~
120) Logan Cale (Dark Angel, tv)
121) Bobby Singer (Supernatural, tv) I luff Bobby but not enough to do him but I can't strike him out lol
122) Zack Addy (Bones, tv)
123) Simon Tam (Firefly, tv)?
124) Jayne Cobb (Firefly, tv)?
125) Benjamin Linus (Lost, tv)?
126) Sayid Jarrah (Lost, tv)
127) Matt Parkman (Heroes)?
128) Xander Harris (BtVS)
129) Sylar (Heroes) ?
130) Wesley Wyndam-Pryce (BtVS, Angel)
131) Marcus Cole (Babylon 5, tv) ?
132) David Schrader (Dream for an Insomniac, movie) ?
133) Barney Stinson (HIMYM, tv)?
134) Tyr Anasazi (Andromeda, tv)?
~~135) Ron Weasley (Harry Potter, books, movies)~~ Ron is adorkable but no
136) Ichigo Kurosaki (Bleach, manga, tv, movies) ?
137) William Compton (The Tudors, tv) ?
~~138) Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter, books, movies)~~ BAAAAD lol
139) Helo (Battlestar Galactica, tv) ?
140) Samuel T. Anders (Battlestar Galactica, tv) ?
141) Lee Adama (Battlestar Galactica, tv) ?
142) Aaron Tyler (Wonderfalls, tv) ?
143) Michael Scott (The Office, tv)
144) Christian (Moulin Rouge, movies)
145) Desmond Hume (Lost, tv)?
146) Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights, tv) ?
147) Tim Bisley (Spaced, tv) ?
148) Spike (Press Gang, tv) ?
149) Buddy (Buddy's Song, movie) ?
150) Casanova (Casanova, tv/movie)
151) Jack Shephard (Lost)
152) John Crichton (Farscape)?
153) Brodie Bruce (Mallrats)
154) Det. Don Flack (CSI: NY)?
155) The Middleman (The Middleman, tv)
156) Dr. Horrible (Dr. Horrible, tv) ?
157) Special Agent Fox Mulder (The X-Files, tv)
158) Tony Stark (Iron Man, comic/movie)
159) Bernard Black (Black Books) ?
160) Prime Minister (Little Britain) ?
161) Peter Carlisle (Blackpool) ?
~~162) Hank Moody (Californication)~~ It'd take a lot to presuade me.... David or not lol
163) Jamie Madrox (X-Men, comics/movie)
164) Ronon Dex (Stargate Atlantis, tv) ?
165) Oz (BtvS, tv)
166) Daniel Appleton (Sex Traffic, movie) ?
~~167) Carlton Lassiter (Psych, tv)~~
168) Shawn Spencer (Psych, tv)
169) Chef Udo Cropa (Dinner Rush, movie) ?
170) Timothy Callahan (Strachey Mysteries, movie) ?
180) Oliver Queen (Smallville, tv)
181) Josh Lucas (Clueless, movie)
182) John McClane (Die Hard, movie)
183) Officer Jack Traven (Speed, movie)
184) Josef Konstantin (Moonlight, tv)
185) Johnny Storm (Fantastic Four, tv/movie)
186) Michael Corvin (Underworld/Underworld Evolution, movie)
187) William (P.S. I Love You, movie) that ass... *is goo*

And I'm done... Icons soon! *goes back to work*

Icons: 64 Supernatural, 3.12

2008-07-20T17:12:02Z

*sigh* I can never try to make more than 2 episodes a week again. I started these on the 12th and they just sucked. I started over probably 3 times. I still think they suck. I took a week's break and the last 11 look the prettiest to me. I don't know. People always like what I think sucks. I'm too hard on myself.

Anyway, I wanted to post this when I posted 3.11 but I forgot. Did anyone notice the bubblegum toothpaste? Or the fact that Sam has a pink toothbrush. And even though Dean was "gone", Sam still used a pink toothbrush? Just amused me. I noticed it the first time it aired but rewatching it got me amused all over again. Now... ICONS!

Supernatural: 3.12 - Jus In Bello

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Cross-posted @ acklesaholics, dean_sam, jensen_daily, supernaturalart, supernatu_icons, and winchestercases

Icons: 36 Supernatural, 3.11

2008-07-09T21:11:59Z

I can't believe I got these done so fast. I'm normally so slow. LOL. I really just want to finish this season up so I can go back to making older episodes. My goal is to have them all done at some point. Seems like an eternity from now. Anyway, here are icons from Mystery Spot. Enjoy!

Tease:

Supernatural: 3.11 - Mystery Spot

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33	34	35	36

Cross-posted @ acklesaholics, dean_sam, jensen_daily, supernaturalart, supernatu_icons, and winchestercases

Icons: 22 Supernatural - 3.09, 1 Wallpaper

2008-07-06T18:17:49Z

I haven't posted icons in a while mainly because of other stuff going on. Perhaps a small percentage of laziness. But I do have 1 episode to post. I made them last night and the style is a little... I basically didn't stick with the same thing because I wanted to try a couple new things while still maintaining what I've been doing. Anyway, also made a wallpaper. I just had this visual of Dean shooting a tornado and had to go with it. Enjoy!

Tease:

Superantural: 3.09 - Malleus Maleficarum

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21	22	NO ICON	NO ICON

Wallpaper: Supernatural - Dean & Sam

Click here to view full size:

Cross-posted @ acklesaholics, dean_sam, jensen_daily, supernaturalart, supernatu_icons, and winchestercases

Night Shift is back

2008-06-21T19:38:16Z

NIght Shift is back from hiatus and looking a lot better. I added 3 wallpapers that I haven't posted here. Check it out. :D

Fic: Soldier On (John) PG-13

2008-06-21T18:39:19Z

Been away for a bit. Haven't even thought of making icons in forever. Hopefully, I'll get back to that soon. Anyway, wrote this little thing and thought I'd share.

Title: Solider On
Rating: PG-13
Characters: John, small hint of Dean and Sam, Mike.
Summary: Pre-series. Another sleepless night and all John can think about is how messed up things were and how badly he wanted the truth.
Spoilers: If you've seen season 1, you're good to go.
Warnings: I may have used God's name in vain... once.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.

Author's Note: This doesn't even qualify as a story because it's so short so I guess it's a drabble. Got bored at work.

It was 2am and John Winchester was drunk and counting his regrets. His list grew with every waking moment and he wished he'd just pass out already. Not five minutes ago, his four year old son was next to him, buried in his side. But like most nights lately, Dean would wake up from his restless sleep, climb out of John's embrace, and find his way to Sammy's (not Sammy's) crib. It was where he would find his boys every morning - together. John couldn't help but feel another loss. He hadn't even realized how much he hated sleeping alone until his wife was no longer by his side. That was one regret he'd never shake. He should've been next to her that night. He should've turned off the damn tv and went to bed. He didn't know if it would've made a difference or not, but he thought if he would've been there, been closer, he could've saved her.

Mike, his partner at the garage, had told him you can't change the past. All you can do is try to move on. All John heard was a big load of bullshit. It was easy to hand out advice when it wasn't his wife that was burned alive on a ceiling. He tried not to be angry with his friend. Mike had done a lot for him and the boys since the fire and he was in their debt. But Mike was wrong. You don't move on from something like that. When he looks at his boys his heart aches something fierce. Everyday he watches Dean drift further away. He hasn't spoken a word since that night and John knows he should be doing something more to help him. He'd give anything to feel like he wasn't letting Dean down. Like he wasn't letting them all down.

John turned on his back and stared at the ceiling. He was faced with the constant barrage of images of Mary, torturing him as he replayed her last moments over and over in his head. They said it was grief. His mind was playing tricks on him. John knew what he saw and he knew it was real. He just doesn't know how it was real. Something had done that to his wife. Something had killed his Mary. Tears stung at his eyes as he recalled her silent pleas - the look of terror on her face. He doesn't want that to be his last memory of her. He doesn't want that to be all he sees.

John bit his lip to stifle the sob that threatened to break loose. He had tried so hard not to cry lately, not wanting Dean to see him like this. Because he knew Dean wasn't asleep. Some nights, John would get up just to watch them and Dean's eyes would always be open and alert, trained on his baby brother. He was proud of Dean's protective streak lately but the cost had just been too much. He wanted to ease his little boy's pain but he knew it wasn't him that Dean needed. Just like he knew it wasn't him that Sammy cried for either. John felt pretty damn useless anymore. He was a marine. He's seen loss and he understands what it does to people. But it never prepared him for this. He doesn't think anything could. He wished Dean wasn't old enough to remember this loss. John knew his son understood when he told Dean that mommy wasn't coming back. Dean had nodded, his face soaked with tears, and all John could do was hold onto him. His only salvation was that Sam was just a baby and only cried because it was all he could do.

He let out a heavy breath and wiped at his face. Sleep wasn't going to come to him, he knew. He didn't want to sleep anymore. Maybe another man would accept what the officials told them but John just couldn't. He wanted answers - answers that the police and fire department couldn't give him. He was going to have to find the answers himself. Quietly, John got out of bed. He stopped by the crib to check on the boys and wasn't surprised when Dean's head came up to look at him questionably. It wasn't much but John took any reaction he could get.

"It's okay, Dean. Go to sleep." Dean stared at him a moment longer before laying his head back down next to Sam's and closing his eyes like he'd finally been told it was okay to stand down. John wasn't sure if Dean would actually sleep right then but he was thankful for at least that. His eyes rested on his children for a moment longer before he left the room, leaving the door open. He always left the door open now. Just in case.

He sat in the kitchen, his third cup of coffee halfway gone, when Mike walked in. "You're up early." John mumbled around his mug. Mike eyed him for a moment before grabbing a cup of Joe himself.

"I was gonna say the same. It's five am, John. You sleep at all?" John looked at the clock on the wall and shook his head. He hadn't noticed how much time had passed.

"Guess not."

"John," Mike sighed heavily, "you gotta get out of this funk. Your boys need-"

"I know what my boys need." John replied, sharply. He was aware of where this was heading and he couldn't contain his anger anymore. Mike had been on him for weeks.

"Sure as hell ain't acting like it. Going off about conspiracy theories, saying all this crazy stuff about something killing Mary."

"Mike-"

"That what the boys need? Dean ain't talkin', John. You won't even take him to a doctor."

John snapped, his coffee cup hitting the table so forcefully it sloshed a good amount on the surface.

"He doesn't need a God damn doctor!"

"Keep it down." Mike hissed. "I don't want to keep fighting with you on this, John. Hell, it's too damn early for this shit as it is. But you need some help. For the boys sake."

John knew it was the time to put an end to this. He didn't need anyone telling him how to raise his children and he sure as hell didn't need it from Mike of all people. A man that claimed to be a friend.

"Mike, I owe you and your wife for letting us stay with you but this is my family and I'll decide what's best for us. You can call me crazy all you want but I know what I saw and I'm gonna find out the truth." His tone was fierce and determined but he knew he hadn't won anything with his friend. Mike simply shook his head and left the room. John knew he hadn't heard the last of Mike's do-good words of wisdom, but the more time he wasted sitting around wondering was time he could be using to find whatever did this. No matter what anyone thought. So John got up. He got up and got to work.

Two days later, he went to Missouri. And he learned the truth.

End.

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