open-mouthed and mystified.

this is the real shit.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 13:39:47 GMT

mickey: "if you slit my throat with my lasp gasp of breathe id apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
cristina: :::jaw drops:::

OMG MICKEY IS LEARNING!!!! im so effin proud. gotta teach me the ghetto slang now.

today will be a good day... because i look pretty :)
i voluntered to help out at the science night at FSU. im so proud im actually going to do stuff. and free pizza.

i get my license at the end of the month. :DDD then i have to pimp my riiiiiiiiiiiide.

and wow today has been good :) i have all As as of right now... which is amazing. i just gotta maintain it.

so hyperrrr so happy :) i love AP English. what a weird group of girls.

blehh. i have to present my personal goal in about 5 mins. im nervous!! i know its good though :)

and wow its almost a year :x i feel like a grandma. i love you. thanks for being a part of both the best and worst moments of my life .

- roo face.

i miss you.

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 23:32:47 GMT

i was reading my 9th gread autograph ghetto book thing... and wow.

colleen lu, you prob wont ever see this but i miss you dearly as a friend. hopefully one day we will pop into each others lives again. you had such a huge impact in my life and i was always so proud to say that YOU, future valedictorian of everglades 2006 graduating class was my best friend. i love you and i cant believe i let you leave my life without a fight. im giving you a call as soon as possible. hopefully we can make up for lost time. <33

danielle parra, wtf happened man??? i used to love being with you and hanging out. i guess we've both gone through some changes... and we have some guys in our lives now... eww how gay... who would have thought... but i just want it to be known that you have a huge place in my heart. you were always fun to hang out with and i felt as though i could relate to you on certain things. gosh give me a fucking call bitch! <33

melissa mohadeo (is that even spelled right?? what a terrible friend :/ ) you were like my other half... what the hell. i hate being at charter... im so far away from you guys... the only real friends ive ever had (plus a few from charter) i have so many dumb ass memories with you in them... i think you should become a lesbian because you are to wonderful for any man that i know. dont be afraid to call me either... i love and miss you. i hope all is well. <33

christie matheis, you are by far the goofiest girl ive ever met. i miss your weirdness. you made me feel as though it was okay for me to be a little weird sometimes lol you were a great friend with a good heart... i swear i could smack myself for not keeping in touch. if you are free sometime call... im sure you have a lot going on in life with cheerleading and shiz because thats how you always were... active and crazy. i love you hun. you'll always have a friend in me. <33

adrienne zamora, what can be said about you... ive known you since i was in 4th grade. you were one of the first kids i met when i moved to florida. you are a super cool girl with a good head on her shoulders. ive always admired you for that. you are brilliant and im sure you will do great in every aspect of anything because thats how you are. i miss you... and you live like two feet away. maybe we can hang out this weekend... or anytime soon. you are like the sweetest girl ive ever met. call me. <33

i miss the old times... i miss the laughs... i miss having my girls there.

when we just thought of guys as objects to satisfy our needs... well somethigns just dont change :) hah kiddingg

-stinerrr

made a date with divinity but she wouldnt let me fuck.

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 03:50:18 GMT

love encourages stupidity in the worst way... so does revenge... and so does hurt.

another cold rainy day. its depressing as fuck. rainy days leave ample time to reflect... time i dont need. beautiful eyes, and scrupulous lies. random lines from songs always seem to stick in my head. i love hip-hop it puts me in sucha good mood... well that reflective mood that its okay to be in. the happy kind :)

watched aladdin today... which cheered me up a great deal. sleep also works wonders for a shitty mood. when you're awake and like that... time just seems to go by extra slow. ive been staring at the clock and its been 10:35 for what feels like an eternity. just fucking call me already!

that song ghetto musick by outkast is great. the video makes me smile :D and so does ludacris. gotta love that man.

-stiner

i wanna go home!

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 17:56:03 GMT

I would wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares. I couldn't even look at his face because I thought he was a different person. I had horrible pictures running through my head about what happened between him and her, and they made me feel really sick.

its so cold outside... its ridiculous.

-stiner

Breathe in, breathe out, the sign says "keep out"

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:54:32 GMT

im tired of this journal. i was looking back on past entries and wow. its time to end it.

_allthatsnasty

add it now. i want my fucking paycheck already. :)

-stiner

im not sleeping... im just resting my eyes.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 15:19:24 GMT

please sew my eyelids shut, life is so much easier with closed eyes... but hey who wants simplicity??? ::raises hand:: meeeeee!! hah. its like, no matter how hard i try this shit will never go away. everrrr. why the fuck do i bother? just to fail... oh yeah because im stupid :) a normal person would have given up long ago... but when you're name is cristina alexis you look for excuses to keep on going. you even start to make things up. whatever will help you to rest your little coconut head at night. give you some sense of security that you arent fighting a losing battle. sometimes you just gotta let people go like my mama says. i refused to see that when she first said it, "nonononono mom i cant give up just yet" but now its becoming more clear. with each passing day i realize i know nothing at all. im going to hurl my cell phone at the effin wall. why why why go through this shit? because id do anything to reach that feeling. all just for that feeling... its so addictive...i need my fix and to reach it ya gotta make some sacrifices. jesus christ id do anything to keep that...but its like enoughs enough damnit. wake the fuck up. get that feeling elsewhere. and i can feel it... that knot in my throat does not lie... its still there... everything is and im djkghGOINGCRAZYdfjkghd!!!! just for once... i want to be happy... truely and genuinely... without all this motherfuckinghomo-ness. complete and utter exstacy. but hah thats always asking for too much. ill keep kidding myself as long as you keep playing along :) none of this ever happened... im just fine... lalalalala... shes my hero... thank you for opening my eyes. tough love is the best love and brutal honesty is always appreciated by buc nasty. thanks for keepin it real. and thanks for not treating me like some stupid fucking teenager... because you know im better than that. i hope i make you proud because living a lie is like not living at all right? only one person understands the madness. thanks. so ill speak with half words and you read in between the lines... i want whats mine... and i want it now. ill write the sentences and you try to interpret. theres nothing left. my brains turned to absolute mush and im just waiting for the liquid to ooze out my ears.

-stiner

tryin to bend me over backwards but i aint having that.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 15:19:21 GMT

My baby girl is pregnant with a future m-a-c.
waiting for me to come back but the old judge aint tryin to hear that...

debate class can be interesting. ♥

-stiner.

bite this bitch.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 04:01:30 GMT

new york = amazing. words just cant describe it... so here are pictures.

being in nyc with my family

coloring on the plane.

me on the phone with bunny.

chelo playing in the snow.

yellow snow.

chelo eating yellow snow… lmao

bitches get stitches.

my grandma and I

prepare to die.

clean nose :)

after playing outside. My nose is red.

my sisters <3

Christina teaching me the dance for the sweet 16.

LET ME SEE YOU ONE TWO STEP.

after a long day of practice.

SWEET SIXTEEN PICTURES!!!
hair for the sweet sixteen. I didn’t like it :(

Madison is in the back playing halo <3

me getting ready. I likey this pic.

makeup time :) I love this picture.

Stiner face.

Kayla looking gorgeous.

Omar and I in church.

group shot at church.

yari and her boyfriend.

mother and daughter.

nelson and Chelsea.

my sexxxi mommy.

nelson chelsea and yari.

mom and papa.

tiana and danny

jasmine and maria.

omar and I

falen and christina

jose erica ray and coon coon

christina and jason

mom and Kayla

walking in about to waltz.

la princessa.

omar and I in position.

16 candles ceremony.

dancing with the family.

i love my family. this was the greatest trip to new york yet.

- stiner.

relay for life. if interested please read!!!

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 22:12:53 GMT

if you are for sure doing the relay for life thing comment in this entry because i have to report to these people tomorrow, because im leaving for new york on wednesday. so comment with your number screename or email or something so i can give you all the information. also i need a minimum of a 5 dollar donation from anyone who is doing it because there is a registration fee of 100 dollars and i am not paying that shit all by myself lol :) its due tomorrow. sorry for such short notice but i didnt realize that i wouldnt be going to school on wednesday. if you have any questions i/m me or call me :)

- madd love niggas <3
stiner baby.

shit happens.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:04:13 GMT

dear god, please make the next few days go by quickly so that i may be in new york already.

dear diary... waz up wit dem niggas???

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 20:33:26 GMT

i start work at 6...
someone please gag me.

relay for life is getting insane. but ill do it in the name of getting me community service hours (and not to mention it makes me look good :D). if anyone is interested in getting community service hours PLEASE COMMENT because im starting my own relay for life team and i need 15 people to join and so far i have about 4. so holla you get like 20 service hours or something like that :). you dont have to go to charter to be a part of it (cough cough danielle melissa adrienne and christie cough cough)

andd another thing. i miss my old friends. people like brandi, nicole fernandez, kristen spotts, and everyone else i used to chill with wayyyy back in 10th grade. my new years resolution was to rekindle ALL old friendships so guys whenever you're free give me a jingle please. oh and im also in the mood for hanging out with new friends so if you wanna hang this weekend call a nigga up. 954-336-1662.

so take a look at me now.

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:33:23 GMT

its safe to say that im "out of my tree" as britty would so nicely put it :) i cant help it, ima fucking nutcase, but you love me anyway, and i dont get why.

the past few days have consisted of...

+ dyed hair that looks awesomeo.
+ getting a job = paper dollas.
+/- first day of work on thursday. 6:00-9:30.
- going to bartow for the weekend. ew never again.
+ getting fitted for my cousins sweet 16. the dress is b-e-a-u-t-f-u-l.
+ ending up with a B+ in AP american history.
+ leaving for new york soon. 4 days of awesome times soon to come.
- losing it.
- im going to smack the fucking shit out of my sister in about .05 seconds.
+ coldness.
+ eminem is great.
------ reading sparknotes for catcher in the rye. :(
- my lip hurts.
- blah blah blah emo.
- saw things i shouldnt have.
- memorizing this effin menu. damn asians.
+ its almost the weekend :D kinda....sorta.

Although he is intelligent and sensitive, Holden narrates in a cynical and jaded voice. He finds the hypocrisy and ugliness of the world around him almost unbearable, and through his cynicism he tries to protect himself from the pain and disappointment of the adult world. However, the criticisms that Holden aims at people around him are also aimed at himself. He is uncomfortable with his own weaknesses, and at times displays as much phoniness, meanness, and superficiality as anyone else in the book. As the novel progresses, we begin to perceive that Holden’s alienation is his way of protecting himself. He uses his isolation as proof that he is better than everyone else around him and therefore above interacting with them. The truth is that interactions with other people usually confuse and overwhelm him, and his cynical sense of superiority serves as a type of self-protection. Thus, Holden’s alienation is the source of what little stability he has in his life. As readers, we can see that Holden’s alienation is the cause of most of his pain. He never addresses his own emotions directly, nor does he attempt to discover the source of his troubles. He desperately needs human contact and love, but his protective wall of bitterness prevents him from looking for such interaction. Alienation is both the source of Holden’s strength and the source of his problems. For example, his loneliness propels him into his date with sally hayes, but his need for isolation causes him to insult her and drive her away. Similarly, he longs for the meaningful connection he once had with jane gallagher, but he is too frightened to make any real effort to contact her. He depends upon his alienation, but it destroys him.

</I>

jesus christ that sounds so familiar :( stupid catcher in the rye book. now im in a terrible mood. but eminems angryness makes me incredibly happy. i know this might not make sense to anyone... but being angry puts me at ease. it makes things so much easier to deal with.

its so true... its sick.

Try to pull each other's legs,
Until the other begs, We're liein' to ourselves,
That's the beauty of it yeah,
Cuz we truly love each other,
That's why we always fight,
And all we do is shove each other,
Every other fuckin' night,
And it's clear it ain't gonna change,
It's pent up rage,
We both have,
We both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else,
We've both been,
Someone else's someone else,
Problem is neither one wants help,
It's an addiction and it can't be fixed,
Our family's mixed up,
There's a baby sister in the mix,
And it hurts cuz the pieces to the puzzle don't fit,
And anybody who thinks they know us doesn't know shit,
And they're probably just tired of hearin' it all the time,
On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,
All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,
What you put me through, fuckin' whoopdy doo,
But I won't be made a fool of,
If this is true love,
You wouldn't do what,
You did last time,
You wouldn't screw up,
This time,
Cuz this time girl,
I'm tellin you what,
You do it again I'm fuckin you up,
No matter what...

i love mr. eminem.

-stiner face.

thank you for making me smile.

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 20:43:05 GMT

TEARSisworeiLOST: she shoulda faced paris hilton in the whore off
TEARSisworeiLOST: she woulda won
thatcristinagirL: lmfao

TEARSisworeiLOST: sick...its like u kno those black people from africa that make there lips bigger by putting disks in it
TEARSisworeiLOST: well she puts dicks in her cooch
thatcristinagirL: LMAO!
TEARSisworeiLOST: sick!

i love you brittney kelm with every fiber of my being. thank you i needed to laugh.

<3

when i think of you, it makes me wanna fucking gag.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 21:58:17 GMT

keep thinking so low of me, its just more fuel to my fire baby.

you know, you're supposed to be able to count on your family, and man i sure can. -sarcasm :D- that shit is over now. you guys will no longer bring me down. i know better. its 2005, which brings me one year closer to life on my own. keep it up. throw more nasty and hurtful words my way :)

but on a happy note things are looking up for me. im content, for the first time in nearly two months. i have a lot of things going for me, so im going to do my best to focus on the positive and keep my head straight. things happen, the strong always recover, ending up stronger than they were before. no longer will i be looking back, because it hurts way too much to, even though every so often i get in that mood like "why god, why???" lol i know better now. no more depression. hurt makes you do crazy things, and it makes you feel emotions you know arent true (well okay maybe they are a little true). it drives you to over-analyze, and just feel so much hatred towards everyone, especially yourself and... just yeah im going to stop now. positiveness :) i know now that i have to accpet things for what they are, because i cant change whats already happened because if i could, believe me i would, in a million and one ways. all i can do is just focus on the future, its looking really bright, nothing like the blackhole ive been in for quite sometime. my grades have been phenomenal, (minus yucky midterms but it didnt affect my final grade so :p) im in love (yes sickening i know, it makes me gag every now and then but its nice sometimes) i have my best friend back (well sorta... shes so far away!) and i have amazing friends who are there for me in each and every way possible. yeah i bet you're jealous. :)

so now that im all cheery im going to go work on my tons of AP english work :( booo!

-stiner alexis.

i couldnt do it sorry.

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 22:15:18 GMT

"i dunno, people are too dumb at this age... too arrogant. all they do is make all the wrong choices and they just hurt each other"

i came... i saw... i hit him right dead in the jaw.

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 22:24:52 GMT

My 2004 consisted of…

Jenna chasing duckies.

modeling.

love. ew thats sick

my cool pop top bracelet that broke :(

well this is self explanatory

the creation of BUC NASTY

my party with my closest buddies

my baby.

dressing up

being dumb.

sleeping.

cooking with Lysol.

Chelsea looking pretty

being gangster

brittney kelm and I becoming close friends. Bucked it from your fotki mama :)

straightening my hair.

cleaning up our acts ;)

adilene and I becoming friends again.

the loss of some friendships :-/

Jose & Ray

sisterly love

big headed cousins.

family coming to visit.

new love for yaritza.

long lasting love for Adrienne and Ozzy.

marco island.

playing video games… and me always winning.

holden love.

making ben uglier than usual :)

dates with sharmin.

penguins :)

then finally came new years :)

my mommy and chelo

my cousin nelson and my insane aunt. Shes a great dancer… ;)

bunny and i

my mom Chelsea and me.

nelson

gangstAs

looking back at pictures… 2004 wasn’t too bad.

<3stiner

nigga please.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 19:54:24 GMT

i dont know, some people are just seriously sick, and i want nothing more to do with it. keep doing what you're doing, ill hand you the shovel while you bury yourself deeper.

- lost a few great friendships. i regret that a great deal. melissa, danielle, adrienne, christie, colleen, man i miss you all so much. my resolution for this year is to rekindle those old friendships, because when i think back, i had such great times with those girls.

-stupid baby lysol. my brittany dollinger. my best friend. theres so much to say that theres nothing. its all out there. i love her and im thankful to have met her.

-had a "stalker"... lol such great memories.

- fell in love. theres nothing to say about this either. its a crazy emotional rollercoaster that i wish i could throw myself from sometimes. it was so nice in the beginning, after that it became so fucking complicated.

- got my heartbroken, still in the process of rebuilding. its so hard to trust people. glad i got that out of the way though.

- went to the greatest concert ever. slipknot

- relationship with my family grew a lot stronger. even with my dad. we sorta fixed things?

-valentines day with my girls. a day i'll always remember <3

-marco island. wow what a great time. got blasted over that weekend lol.

- got my dodge neon :D

- benjamin. that dumb fuck. again, theres so much to say that theres nothing at all. he has the honor of being my boyfriend. jesus christ its been like 8 months? i have no clue :-/

- grew up in a big way. realized that not everyone out there has such good intentions. they will get theres. (fuck you)

- got into some verbal disputes. (yes i know thats hard to believe... :D)

- "lost part of myself"... haha brittney will get this. that slut. ;)

-chappelle love.

- met some nice people.

and im sure theres a ton of shit that i forgot. but yeah on a scale of 1-10, 04 was a 5. not to good, not to bad. it had some major events both negative and positive. all im hoping is that 05 is a hell of a lot better. so far so good.

blah blah bloop

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 18:40:14 GMT

im here at jennas house. this is the first time ive touched a computer since christmas eve. this break has been interesting to say the very least. my cousin nelson is in town which is the bestest :) :) :) christmas was good. everythings been peachy despite peoples attempts to bring me down. (dumb bitches) but yeah whatever pointless entry. im on my way to the mall now because my little sister wants to go waste her christmas money. ive been spending some quality time with jennita and the family. i missed them. ddr is the best game ever. i love hopping around and shiz :) well now i must change. peace and love hoes.

<3

:)

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 00:26:57 GMT

people are so dumb... but that doesnt matter because tomorrow is christmas :)

madd love to most of you people. and to the rest :x ill keep my mouth shut.

<3stiner

why does hello feel like goodbye?

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 19:57:45 GMT

i dont have to wake up at 6:00 a.m. for about two whole weeks. yay. im so happy, despite the fact that i probably did horrible on most of my midterms :( christmas is very close which is always great. i gotta finish shopping... waiting until the very last minute as always. tonight i believe im going to the culture room. i havent been to a show in ages, its about damn time, i need to get out of the house. i love my hair color so much! it faded so nicely and man for the first time in ages my hair has been behaving and its been looking so pretty. everyones like you looks so pretty blah blah bloop. wow that was random. im going to miss mrs. philips over break as weird as that sounds. i dont know, she motivates me and makes me want to become a better writer. thank god for her class <3 also thank god for my grandmother. she annoys me sometimes, but the talk she gave me not to long ago made it seem like im actually capable of making it through all of this. im quite grateful for that, i needed it.

boredom leads to crazy things. i hadnt been on microsoft paint in ages so i took random atmosphere lyrics and drew out the scene. so here they are, because i enjoy displaying my artwork ;) there are also some random ones up in thurr.

as the rain falls.

bleed slow.

emo.

man i have no flipping clue :/

summer song.

i like candy, but not the kind im reffering to. sick =X

breathing.

cute when you scream.

tyrone <3

robot love.

man i was getting so tired of those serious/emo entries. :o) its time to just enjoy life. i mean theres no more school, ive got no reason to be down.

-stiner

"Do you see me when we pass?"... but i continue on my way.

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 22:01:42 GMT

i went to the mall today with my britts. i love them oh so much. i truly enjoy every moment i get to spend with my friends, because they are so much cooler than yours. my weekend was crazy, on a million different levels. some good, some bad, some hilarious, others morose. all in all it was just a weekend. nothing more nothing less.

im working on things for right now. "growing up in a matter of weeks" its hard though, when it just feels like its not worth it. "cristina stop putting in 150% when you're only recieving 60" words of wisdom i choose to ignore. for the sake of my sanity, i have to ignore them. if i actually took the time to sit and reflect on everything thats happened to me, and the decisions ive made in the past month id be at my lowest. i mean ive experienced things i just shouldnt have had to. everything from all sides of the spectrum from losing my best friend, to losing all self respect/dignity. whats done is done, now lets just try and salvage the remains, the remains of the former me. just let me be stupid and happy, even if i know deep down its completely wrong, even if deep down im dieing. let me pretend that im completely in ecstasy and things couldnt be more grand. let me have something to keep this cracking smile on my face, the last thing i need is for it to fade.

what a merry christmas it will be for me. thank god nelson is coming to spend some time with the family tomorrow. after seeing him this summer i find myself missing him a lot when im in my upset state. it was weird seeing him, i was happy to stay home and be with my family when he was around, something that hardly ever happens. i need some of his good heart right now. someone to make me feel like im one in a million and that im simply amazing. hes so genuine, i enjoy his company. and ladies hes sexy ;) lol (yes im pimpin him out) who knew someone like that existed in my family? i sure as hell didnt.

brittany and jillian have got me hooked to this song. damn you guys! :( its really pretty though, i like it. <3

:]

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 15:05:20 GMT

thank you sharmin for making me cookies. that was by far the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. i love you so much, thanks for caring and being there.

im such an amazing writer.

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 04:38:32 GMT

this is my paper for AP english. it was obviously written before todays recent events but i dont care. im very very proud of it, but i could use some feedback so help a nigga out. mrs philips loved it :) which makes me even more proud that i was able to convey my feelings onto paper. thank you for being the inspiration to what i know will be a high scoring essay.

“Memoirs of a young Cristina Melendez

I could hear our wall of trust crumble as that final word rolled gracefully off of my tongue. Jagged pieces of our hopes and dreams plummeted towards the ground. His body and mind shut down. There was no point in trying to redeem myself. We said our goodbyes and ended our relationship very different than we began. I stared at the cell phone for what felt like an eternity. What had I done? I let the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my short existence slip from my grasp, leaving my fingertips exposed to harsh winter winds.

We had something so beautiful, so pure and genuine. It was the most amazing feeling to say that I was his, and he was mine. I still remember the first day he called me. I replay it every once in a while to keep myself somewhat sane. When I flipped open my cell phone and saw the name Ben flash across the screen, my heart fell to my toes and almost came back out of my mouth. Just hearing his voice gave me hope for the male species. He was someone of substance. Someone who spoke with intelligence equal to mine. It wasn’t long before we were both head over heels for each other. We began dating shortly after that first encounter.

As the months went by, what started out as infatuation soon developed into something much more. Neither of us saw it coming, but when it hit, it hit hard. I was quite overwhelming. I wasn’t used to sharing my heart with another. With each day that I spent with him it was a learning experience in the field of love. In the beginning things were blissful, but as reality proves time and time again, it could only last for so long.

We had our share of disputes. An alarming case of the infamous Ex nearly ended our relationship, but for whatever reason we stuck through it together. That doesn’t mean it ever fully went away. The Ex factor played a crucial role in our demise. We had different perspectives on life, which constantly caused us to bump heads. I liked it though. He thought like no one I had ever met in my entire life. Lack of communication and misinterpreting information caused much insecurity to develop on my part. The “I love yous” became less frequent, the amount of affection we shared was at its lowest, we could hardly even speak to each other without one of us either getting upset or offended. It lead me to believe that there was no chance for us, no matter how bad we wanted it to work. I started questioning something, which at one point was the epitome of perfection. “What if we went on break, What if he leaves me for her, what if we fall out of love?” A million and one thoughts running frantically through my head on a daily basis. It never once occurred to me that I’d ever be having these feelings. It began to consume me. I was up until 4 am. nearly every night crying myself to sleep. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. It leads you to make stupid decisions, which was when it happened.

After a night of wasted tears, I finally decided I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted to regain control of myself before things got too bad. I wanted so desperately to just have a peaceful nights rest that I would’ve done anything. Even if that meant hurting the person I loved most. Being in the condition I was in, bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation, cheeks tainted with worthless tears and mind racing uncontrollably. I shouldn’t have made the decision I did. Before I knew it cell phone was in hand and his voice was on the opposite end. I was startled that he answered. I expected to hear his voicemail, but there he was, voice cracking due to the strains of daily life and lack of sleep. I got silent; there was no turning back now. I inhaled deeply and let my heart pour out. There was silence on the other end. Then he managed to utter something about having to go, and we ended our conversation. I had trouble going to sleep that night and I am beyond positive that he did as well. I wasn’t given the chance to explain how I felt our relationship would crumble if I stayed as miserable as I was. I wasn’t given the opportunity to explain that there would be no way that I’d be able to pick up all the pieces and rebuild our very foundation, the basis of our relationship. I felt if we completely demolished it and started over fresh and new, things would have been perfect, but apparently he didn’t feel the same way. He did things I never thought capable of the person I once loved. A love that had started out so selfless and beautiful had turned into something so hideous and selfish

A few days have passed. I am slowly able to begin looking at myself in the mirror again. The shame has been lifted from my face now leaving behind a trail of sadness and regret. You learn to cope. You can’t let people see you cry. The way we were when we were together was something that will never be matched again in my life. It's something i wont ever forget. I found my one in a million. The timing at the moment just wasn’t right. We had something so beautiful, it was just a matter of time until reality had to hit and destroy everything.

xoxoxo

so sick of it all.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 02:21:59 GMT

having pride gets you nowhere when it comes to happiness. always be true to yourself or else you will end up miserable. i had an okay weekend. im so thankful for my friends and even more thankful for strangers. they can be so helpful. it made me have some hope for our society. someone i didnt even know comforting me and giving me actual sincere advice just wow. people amaze me every single day. he let me cry on his shoulder, he let me tell him everything and he sat there and listened. it was seriously the most amazing thing. and then oh man charles, hes always so helpful. i love that kid. hes always looking out for me and is seriously just an amazing person. i can talk to him so easily and he makes it seem as though he cares about how im doing. he offers good advice and makes me feel as though im not just wasting my breath. he really went out of his way for me last night and i never forget things like that. i hope all is well with him. he seriously has a good heart and is a genuine fellow. and if he does move ill miss him terribly. saturday night was the best night ive had in a while. im just so thankful for what little happiness i have left and im so glad i have friends who are supportive and dont shut me out when i need someone to talk to. they all love me so freaking much i dont know how i thought ben was the only one who cared, because thats not true at all. guys like him come and go, my homies have been there for me for nearly 5 years. those niggas aint ever going away :)

things all just seem so surreal. i thought it was going to be a real lonely weekend and in retrospect it was, but not nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be. my heart just aches. you try to be strong, to not let them see your tears but its so hard. i just break down sometimes and am just like "damn i totally made the biggest mistake of my life" and then i just lay there in my room replaying everything seeing if there was something i could have done differently to make it all work out, but i always come up empty. things just started to crumble so fast there was no way i could pick up the pieces and put it all together before the structure fully collapsed. the only way was to start over and rebuild. but that didnt work at all. so now im alone. i feel like a huge chunk of me is gone. the little things just get you so bad. i look everywhere and im like "aw man ben used to like that song" or "oh man me and ben did that" or "wow thats something he would do". it just sucks. like not getting the phone calls im used to. no more i love yous. no more talks of the future. no more lazy days on my couch. no more being mine. no more miami winter. no more bunny. no more stupid adventures and crazyness. no more being his. no more heart errupting feelings. no more chills. no more punching. no more penguins. no more hubert. no more of that stupid song of joses penis lol. no more hairyness. ick. no more heart :(. no more fatty. no more. no more. no more. no more anything except for tears and fighting. it makes no difference that its probably for the best. that doesnt make things any easier to cope with. i just want to go to new york for the weekend and be with my family. my little baby madison, my dad, my cousins, my grandma, all those people who i miss dearly. i cant wait till i go in january. ill be the happiest girl ever. but for now im stuck here in pines counting down the days till my departure. i just still cant believe it came down to this. now we're both miserable.

jennas dog is having like a seizure on the floor so ima go check on the poor thing.

- stiner.

tis the end old friend.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 00:38:01 GMT

okay im tired of this journal. i wanted something friends only so instead of going back and locking all the entries (since im effin lazy) i made a new journal

_allthatsnasty add it.

hey britt do you remember that? lol i finally made it a username because im gay :/

im not going to use this journal anymore. so to this farewell and hello to a new beginning.

<333