I want to be a kid again, when my biggest problem was whether I wanted apple juice or milk. Growing up has no advantages. Who wants constant responsibility? Every little thing I do, it goes on my name. I used to never care about my reputation. But I don't want to be known as the failure. The one who fails at everything. Can't get into college. Can't do anything with her life. I am constantly reminding me that I used to be a 4.1 student, that school was everything to me. Then I dropped out of honors. I did drugs. Even bigger, I turned to theater as my safe haven. I buried myself. I am constantly reminded that I hide in my work. That I hide behind a person, a face that is not my own. I live a life that is not my own and will never be my own. What will you do if you don't go to college? Are you going to screw up like your sisters? Or better yet, be so drugged up for the rest of your life that nothing you do will ever make it better? That what happens. If you don't go. That is exactly what is going to happen to you. You will be just like the rest of them. You'll let your father down. Show him that he is a complete failure as father. Why do you continue to hide?! Nothing will come out of it!
I don't hide. I am my work. I put it above anything else. So when that fails I fail. And I will be just like the rest of them, except one thing. I tried. I made my effort. And it takes a colossal failure to bring me down. And I will struggle. I will risk everything to get myself back up. I won't and don't need anyone to depend on. I refuse to be like my sisters and depend on a husband for what I am perfectly capable of doing on my own. Without failure, man learns nothing. I am waiting for it. I want it. I want it to be done with so I may start again. A fresh new beginning.
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Sneezy
determined
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excited
giggly
awake