Jerry (_countdown) wrote,
Dying is far more complicated than I thought it would be. Ironic that these complications are part of the reason I want to die in the first place.

In my first entry I said I would be updating every day. I have been trying to get my affairs in order (my will, burying old hatchets, ect), so I haven't been able to write as much as I'd like. I've sat down a couple times and no words worth writing came to me.

I know that for someone to care they have to get to know me first. Not just about me, they have to actually feel a connection with me. I don't know how to make that connection. That's another reason I want to die. I can't connect with people...I'm always alone in a crowd. More alone than when I'm by myself.

Edit: I do not believe in the afterlife, and that may not make sense considering my last entry. I do not believe, but sometimes I hope for the existence of a higher power. I am bipolar, and sometimes my hope is greater than other times. It depends on whether I'm on a high or low.
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