Jerry (_countdown ) wrote,
Okay, I'm going to try to consolidate this so that everyone's questions are answered. I feel I owe it to all of you.

1. Why are you going to kill yourself?
I have said before that I'm bipolar, but obviously this isn't enough to warrant suicide. I have other reasons, but many of them are too painful to remember, let alone put up for public ridicule. I also don't want to start a war of "one-ups" with people who think their problems are much more real and scarring than mine. Your pain is legitimate, I'm sure, and if you choose to think that mine is not because you think this is a lot of post-teen, angsty bullshit, then I guess I can't convince you otherwise. I have wrestled with the events in my life, and some of these events I can hardly think about without cringing. I just can't put them up for people to use as cannon fodder. I'm sorry.

2. Why are you making this journal?
I have tried to explain this in individual comments, but understandably, those comments are lost in the sheer volume of other people's "2 cents". I hope I can satisfy some of you with my answer. My original intent was to find one person who would stumble on this by accident. Someone submitted me to somethingawful, and I got more than I bargained for. So, dash that first intention. Of course, somethingawful is not the only reason I decided to go through with this despite the people who really do care. I can't lay out all my thoughts and reasons here; my brain is not a set of railroad tracks, moving purposefully in one direction. All I can tell you is that I reached the conclusion, and try to explain why this journal is still here. I want to record my thoughts. I want others to see these thoughts. I want to finally be heard. Dammit, I need to be heard. I'm sorry if this seems selfish to you, I'm sorry if I seem like nothing more than a bloodsucking attention whore. Whatever you think of me, know that all I want is the voice I have never had the courage to manifest before. The freedom of knowing this will not matter soon is what allows me to keep posting.

3. Is this an experiment?
A lot of people are under the impression that I am doing this for some sort of term paper or something. I can tell you one thing; I have never been to college, but I know that a bunch of comments from random people on the internet would make a shitty bibliography.

4. Why are you so fat?
Saying you're not fat on the internet is pretty futile. It is assumed that all people on the WWW are fat, if only because of their presence here. The picture is not me. Believe this if you want, or don't. It's the least of my concerns.

5. Why do you seem so happy if you are going to kill yourself?
I suggest you take a high-school health class if you don't know the answer to this.

6. Will you broadcast this on a webcam?
I'm a little crazy, but I'm not fucking depraved. Go to,, or go rent Faces of Death.

7. How are you going to do it?
I don't think that is important to anyone except those who get aroused by death. I also don't want people googling my method and finding enough info to make a connection, then sending this to the people that know me.

8. Why January 13th?
Yeah, as you probably guessed, this was an important day for me. It's the day I lost someone very dear to me, my brother Alex.

If I've missed anything, post your question and I will make an amendment.
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