Stefanie (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _cornflakez) wrote,@ 2005-12-31 18:52:00 |
|
| Current mood: |  horny |
| Current music: | The vines - winning Days |
| Entry tags: | kiefer sutherland |
..and now a random fact about Jack Bauer:
LOL.
- The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
- Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
- A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.
- Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
- Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.
A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
- The universe revolves around Jack Bauer's giant fucking balls.
- Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
- The sound of a terrorist being tortured by Jack Bauer will make any baby gurgle with delight.
- Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
- Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
- Many find it hypocritical that the United States is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in other countries while we ourselves have a Weapons of Mass Destruction named Jack Bauer.
- In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer. He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half. One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer. The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang" that created our universe.
Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
- In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
- Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
- You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
- Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
- In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests.
- If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
- Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
- When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
- Jack Bauer can eat his own head and regurgitate it back into place.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the resturaunt. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp post so horribly disfigured that the only thing that characterized him as a human was his McDonalds shirt as a warning to all McDonalds employees. The moral of this story is: Jack Bauer fucking hates pickles.
- Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
- The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode.
- Jack Bauer loves midgets. He believes their juices keep him alive. Jack Bauer is weird.
- The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it.
- Jack Bauer doesn't watch TV. TVs watch Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.
- Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
- Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer pops out.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
- Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was. The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
- Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
- Saddam wasn't found by the military. He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
- Jack Bauer has the power to resurrect the dead.
He just always chooses to kill them again for satisfaction of saying he killed them.
- Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
- Jack Bauer can eat his own head and regurgitate it back into place.
- Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
- The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.
- Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists. While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist. Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.
- Jack Bauer's son was born way before Jack Bauer. How? The reason is unknown. The only details CTU have uncovered is that he once sacrificed his life to save a tribe of Christians. His name was Jesus Christ.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
- Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
- Everytime Jack Bauer cries, a puppy dies and a women hangs herself.
I know there are more, but I've been at this for over and hour. So please feel free to look through the site yourself and reply to this with more. Much appreciation and love. xx
http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/
