It's been long. Everything seems to have changed since then. The bus that used to stop at my bus stop has now been terminated. My usual hang outs, like town, have now new glitzing shopping malls that extend till miles apart. The people I loved, are now having wonderful relationships once again. Even the coffee shop in my neighbourhood has replaced their old sign with a brighter one.

Everything has changed. And my comfort zone, brings no familiarity any more.

I once told Tim that I'm afraid of growing up because I would lose the very things that define who I am. My innocence, and my idealism will erode away with time. And I don't want that. I want to believe that true love exists. I want to believe that love will come to those who wait. But it doesn't. It won't. Tim replied that cynicism is part and parcel of growing old. And having an extended stay in London, only exacerbates this problem.

Even I have changed.

The first few months in London was fraught with overwhelming loneliness. I tried to adapt by becoming reliant on a few friends of mine. But circumstances change. Relationships, which I once thought were my pillars of support, soured. And my facade, together with my life, crumbled before me. I cried, like I never did before.

I guess we grow up with time. We have to. It's not a choice, but an obvious part of life. You won't like the things you'd once did. You have completely different values as before. You look back and are horrified of the idiosyncrasies that you once thought of as cute. You learn and you become, hopefully, wiser with time.

So fuck fairy tales that I had once hoped for. And fuck the various foolish ideals that I had once held strongly. True love comes only in romance novels, in children storybooks, in Disney's happily-ever-afters, but definitely not in reality, especially amongst my circle of friends. Affairs are heard of by the dozen, and sleepovers are nothing more than a night of sex, over and over again.

Have I really become wiser? Or have I just become more jaded with life?

Tim says growing up entails all these negativity. It's about becoming practical and losing the childish morals people imagined whilst growing up. I didn't want to believe him. I chose not to. But when I visited my Dad's tombstone crying for forgiveness, and when I heard of my close friend, Mel, dying of lukemia, I cannot help but believe what he said. And I cried again, worse than what I did in London.

We learn, no matter how much we don't want to.

I always argue that love is all about work and sacrifices. And I always proudly proclaim that even if I'm single, I'm still very much happy. 4 years down this dreadful road, I've learnt to make do with what I have - friends, accomplishments, academic success. And I put up a front, lying to myself that I am, indeed, very happy. I smile ridiculously everytime my friends get chummy with their loved ones. And once back home, I try to shake off this emptiness I feel, time and time again. I choose not to be in a relationship because I don't want to be in a half-fucked one. And I'm picky - elitist, superfical, the likes. So I rather wait, for the 'right one', as I've once put it.

But growing old alone makes you question your self-worth. Why would anyone like me for my habits? Why would anyone like a messy, selfish person that never says what he really means? I guess this is the reason people make do with bad relationships. We doubt we could find anyone special. And even if we do, we doubt the relationship would last beyond time, distance, or age. We doubt, we fear, we grow old.

Mel's girlfriend screwed up her first-class honours, getting a 4.47 GPA, because of him. She tells me she's not going to find a job as of yet. She painstakingly travels around Singapore to get his favourite food. She spends every passing minute with him. And she tries to catch up with her sleep when his mom takes over twice a day. Everytime I meet her, I see the signs of fatigue written all over her face. But she smiles, every single time. She talks about her new online shop, and things that are happy. She sends me messages like "shorty, apple bottom jeans (:" that makes me laugh on the train. And she still very much love him.

I don't want to believe in true love. I don't, not anymore. But I do believe that love and the magic of it, still exist. And that people can cheat, can lie, can fade away slowly into oblivion, but love still can exist. Although love might not last forever, it lasts for the time the magic is still alive.

We learn, because sometimes, you want to.

So I'm not looking for true love anymore. I'm not looking for romantic escapades, everlasting relationships or once-upon-a-times. I'm looking for someone who I could share small bouts of happiness with. I'm looking for someone who I can love, until one cheats, one lies, one fades slowly into oblivion. I don't want to lie about my beliefs anymore. And I surely don't want to lie to myself.

Char, you're my hero.

Have you ever felt someone's emotions pouring through you, engulfing you in a giant flame of hurt and despair. Just like the effects of a drug, the palpable waves of helplessness flow through your veins, making you giddy with fear. And no matter how much you try to shake the feelings away, you can't. You're utterly overwhelmed.

As the gravity of all the incidents start to sink in, I feel a need to help my friends do something tangible. But yet, here I sit, doing absolutely nothing. A strong sense of pain envelops me. I don't know why. But I feel as though their pain is so enourmous, I feel a part of it, even if I'm billions of miles away. There's so many things I could say, but I didn't. And all I did was to watch them slowly crumble into peices.

I'm sorry.

I hear the sobs over the phone. I feel the struggles you handle with life. I see the frustration in your messages. I understood the arch of your back as you slowly fade into the crowd, meant despair. I want to reach out, and I can't. The only things I do know, is to say good luck. And for whatever comes your way, remember to be strong. And try, somehow to know what happiness is again.

I feel the pain too. Take care, my friends.

It's been so very long. But I've thought of you again, and I feel like crying. Among the people milling in the room, everything gradually began to blur. And the only thought, is you. Just you.

Come back, Dad, come back.

I've written the entire epilougue of the play I'm acting in to remind myself that I miss you. And to somehow encapsulate you in something tangible, so that perhaps, whenever I act that scene, you'll come alive, for that very few minutes.

Recently, I've been hit by the emo bug. I miss home, loads. I've miss Singapore food, loads. And I miss my friends, loads.

But most of all, I miss loving you.

..loads.

But I've came London with the intention of gaining an experience. I've came London knowing that it's going to be tough, and that I'll grow to be a better person. Even if the weather might be cold and dreadful; even if I can never salvage what little love we have had, I'll grow. I'll grow.

And that's all I could look forward to.

I've learnt to take a deep breathe, and realised that what we do have is already good enough. We get depressed when we can't get what we want. What for? In this never ending pursuit of searching for that ultimate satisfaction, we drift further away from the happiness that we seek.

Love, money or whatever you've been looking for, has that really make you happy?

I've learnt to let go. (:

"I don't think liking him is the crux of the problem, but rather, the waning of my present relationship that is.", a close friend in London confided in me. "What am I supposed to do?"

My friend has been in a stable relationship for a few years now. And although I always tell others that I would prefer a love packed with excitement and passion, I envy the consistency present in her relationship. Her love is like a tree rooted deep into the ground - it stands tall and steady against all the elements it's faced with. Nothing ever changes, and so does their love.

When my friend revealed that she started having a crush on her school mate a few months before, I was struck dumbfounded. The person who I looked up to, for her strongly-held morals, has wavered and now prone to temptations. What happened to the faith she once had in their relationship? She couldn't give me an answer.

For her, it was like falling in love all over again. She logs on to msn and instinctively types the first few letters of his name out to check whether he's online. She waits almost unbearably for him to talk to her, and they chat late into the night, oblivious to what's going on around them. Time stops at the instance when these two people make a connection, however slight. But yet, at the other end of the country, her boyfriend might be sitting there alone, thinking of her, and wondering how she has been.

Is fidelity, gone?

I am an advocate of trust. Open relationships truly baffle me. If I love someone dearly, I wouldn't tolerate her sleeping around with other men. I acknowledge that some people could well draw the line between love and lust. And I cannot deny the fact that you could find someone attractive even if you are in a relationship. But fulfilling physical canine desires with someone else other than your partner is just crossing the boundaries. Love, to me, is about commitment. If I couldn't even be true to my partner in a relationship, then why bother being in a relationship in the first place? What you're looking for is not love, but rather companionship. And frankly, anyone could do just that.

Isn't love about having someone, and realizing that even if the world should collapse on you one day, he's still around to hold on to? Shouldn't it be about support, intimacy and an overwhelming sense of togetherness? Yes, you might claim that having a open relationship does not erode all these feelings that bind two people together. But the purity of it is lost, and love - true love - cannot be found.

At first, I was disapproving of her action. "Let it die down", I said. But it never did. And she got caught in a web of guilt and helplessness. I've tried putting myself in her shoes, and I realized that I might fall into the same predicament. Surely, when love reaches a point of stagnancy, one would tend to be led astray. I once argued that love is about sacrifices and responsibilities. To build a lasting relationship, you would need to spice up the moments with each other. Yes, romance might die down to simple contentment once it reaches a certain period of time. Holding of your hand might not send electric signals to your body, but a sheer warmth that delights your heart. Waking up to a breakfast of pancakes and tea might not be novel anymore, but the familiarity assures you of her adoration she has. But certainly, there would come a time when contentment becomes a bore; when holding of your hand becomes irksome; when morning breakfast become sickening. If love has gradually disappeared, why then, should we stay in love? Doesn't it defeat the purpose of being together, when love is not there anymore? And why bother with all the hardwork?

I sincerely do not know. Once, I had a discussion with a friend who believed that her parents divorce was a right choice. Trying to stay together for their children when no love is present is just sad and ridiculous. Love should be happy. And if you aren't, then you shouldn't be in love. I agree with that. And reflecting on it right now, it does make me sound a tad ironic.

Love is a choice. You might meet a wall on the journey to eternity, but you could just take a step back and walk around it. I might not have been in a relationship long enough to comment on this, but I would definitely try and make my relationship work before giving it up altogether. You started liking her for the qualities that had mesmerized you. Be it her beauty, her personality or her smile that had left you momentarily breathless. What has changed then? Well, circumstances might have changed. But the most important reason I guess, is you. You changed.

The farmer needs to tend to the field before the crops might harvest. So instead of looking for greener pastures, I guess staying in your meadow, and spending your time and effort there, might just bear you the fruits of happiness. So stay under the tree that weathers you from the storm, because it is rooted deep into the ground, and protects you from the elements. And most of all, it is your tree - the tree that have grown with you.

Just as how some people leave a relationship easily, some hold on to theirs stubbornly. When love has cause you hurt and tears; when love has reached its dire end, we must learn how to let go. When a thunderstorm arrive, a tree, no matter how strong will fall when struck. And when sacrifices has caused you more pain than gain, then it's time to move on.

So my dear friend, I don't know what I could advise you. Love is like a train ride. You pass by brilliant sights along the way, and at each stop, you decide whether you want to alight and enjoy the scenery. Perhaps, we get distracted along the way and forget our destination. But for me, my destination is the reason why I'm in the train ride for. And I shall make it a point to reach there, because it's the one that gives my train ride a purpose. (:

So do what you think is right. Do what you think is happy. And I won't judge you for what you do. Because I know that decisions in love is hard. And no matter what you choose, it would all just gonna break your heart.

Take care.

Women are the strangest creatures on Earth. Just because they bear two humongous fishballs, doesn't mean they could move men around like chess pieces. I was having breakfast at the common area today when my neighbour appeared and started talking to me in my half-conscious state. I know all women like to converse, but don't they realise that when a man just wakes up, he NEEDS TO HAVE HIS ALONE TIME, LET ALONE THE PRINCE OF HANDSOME LAND. Bloody hell, I can't even eat my cornflakes in peace, with her talking non-stop on how she got so pissed drunk yesterday and yet, she still managed to give a presentation during her tutorial. HELLO!! DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE?! Even if you had an orgy with 100 GORILLAS, I WILL STILL BE EATING MY CORNFLAKES! My god, doesn't she realized that a conversation needs 2 people to start. ERM, I AM NOT TALKING HERE. NO CONVERSATION GOING ON, SO SHUDDUP! I feel like making a sign that says 'Speak to me. I will try and look interested.' and place it on the kitchen wall. Apparently, she didn't quite take the OBVIOUS HINT in my half smiles and the continuous nodding of my head. She probably thought my cornflakes were delicious. Oh god..

The torture didn't end there! When she turned around and started cooking, she showed me her huge rift of a butt-crack. Does she want me to feed her butt-crack with my delicious cornflakes har?! WEAR SOME UNDERPANTS! Delirious from my lack of sleep, disturbed from her blabbering and doomed by her pretty ass-crack, I still tried to be nice and replied, " Didn't your tutor realize that you were drunk?"

"What are you saying again?"

*Repeats*

"Errrrr...pardon?

*Repeats slowly, with my fake british accent*

"Huh?"

............

DID SHE DRINK 10 BARRELS OF BEER YESTERDAY? FUCKING STILL DRUNK! So I returned to my cornflakes quietly, disgusted by the whole incident.

I tell you, the bigger the goods, the weirder they get.

My misery continued with this chinese girl that frustrates the hell out of me with her demands. After Sunday's hiphop class, she came to me and ordered me to carry for her 2 textbooks she had borrowed. And all she was carrying was this small little handbag the size of a pea, which is about roughly the same size as HER SHAME. Most girls I know at least puts up an act by carrying the books for a while. THIS GIRL SHOVED HER BOOKS INTO MY FACE! If this happens again, it would be up her SMELLY VAGINA I TELL YOU. On the way back to hall, she asked me whether I would be free this Tuesday. I wasn't sure at the time, so I didn't give her a comfirmation. She then BO HUI ME and demanded me to go to some activity, which she refused to tell me what it is about. She told me that she would give me a call on that day and I would have to come down immediately. WHAT RUBBISH IS THIS!? AM I HER CHAMBERMAID?!!! COULDN'T SHE AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING ON TUESDAY!? Thankfully, we went off in different directions before I could stuff the textbooks into her nostrils.

It was pouring heavily the next day. Having left our house late, I was hurrying to school with my friends. Halfway through our journey, She popped out of nowhere, oh lord, and started yaking into my face again. I then told her I have an umbrella hidden deep in my bag and she stared at me ludicrously. "I WANT TO USE IT", she bellowed. And I have to slowly dig out my umbrella and cover her for all the 10 meters we were away from our school . I was about to head to my building when she asked for my umbrella as she was going to another building. W. T. F. I see her once every 4730295709589043 years and she still wants to borrow my umbrella?! Where she's going to return me? IN HELL?! AND WE ARE FUCKING ALREADY IN SCHOOL! COVER WHAT RAIN?! She's what, WORRIED FOR LIGHTNING? Of course, with an attitude like her's, she's going to be striked 10 times in one day. So I have to walk her all the way to her class and run all the way into my lecture theater looking like a complete idiot.

Excellent.

I'm really sorry that I haven't been blogging for ages. If you haven't commited sucide by now, I'm pretty sure your computer must be covered in cobwebs. I mean, what's the use of it without updates on MY SUPERSTAR LIFE RIGHT? Hohoho. My blog title should be changed to Hot Doctor Series 234345678954 (As you can see, I am in hot demand). Yes, I am as orgasmic as porn. *bows*

Well, I'm in London now. And I've settled down since 4 weeks ago. Imperial has a cosmopolitan student population and though most of the people might not be excatly head-turners, I'm sure with my arrival, their heads would now look like twister fries....

...

For the past month, acclimatising into the country has been tough. The temperature alone can shrink my dingdongs until I wanna cry, let alone the dryness and the horrid weather. It's even more fustrating to be put down by your own skin colour. Some angmohs I've tried talking to just patronise you for 1 or 2 sentences before talking with another angmoh sitting 300 km away. They would rather talk to OSAMA BIN LADEN then this poor cute Asian here with presumed language and cultural barriers. Inasmuch as the apparent double standards might be dissapointing, I think I'll learn from this expereince.

For example, I was to dressed up as a monster for halloween a week ago. Since everyone tells me I can't come as an Asian, I decided to paint myself black.

"Why? ARE YOU CHARCOAL MAN?"

"No. I am.........BLANGAMAN!"

Yes, you can tell that I've seriously matured. *claps claps*

Before I flew here, I've told others countless number of times that I'll do fine. It's not as though I'm not coming back, and I assured everybody that exploring and discovering new sights and sounds will keep me too busy to feel lonely. At the airport, with friends and family crying around me, I crumbled to the weight of emotions I was forcing myself to handle. And before I could say my last goodbyes, I was gone.

Tertiary education in itself is a lonely process. You don't have classes like you do when you're young, and you feel like a lone stranger milling among the crowds. I guess it should be more pronounced when you are in another country altogether. And you try hard to look for familiar faces you could stay with for the day. Never have I felt so desperate and recluse in my life, and the feeling really just numbs you day by day. It hurts.

I'm a person that believe in changes. Nothing is constant, of course. But the enormity of it is too much for me to take. I try, almost too hard, to stay within my comfort zone. Kitkat, diet coke, anything that could calm my soul. Regret started to sink in days later, and I became depressed with what I've left behind in Singapore. Where's friendship, family and love when I needed it the most? It was a hell of a 2 weeks.

Autumn arrived not long after. And the maple leaves were gradually falling onto the pavements. I started to realize how beautiful the leaves were when they lined up along the streets, in bright yellow and green. The weather, though cold, was comfortable to walk in and sipping a cup of hot chocolate gives this warm feeling that goes beyond your taste buds. I've made friends that are jovial and fun to hang out with. Acting tourisy and camwhoring at ridiculous places just for the sake of it. Everything seems to change at that moment, though realistically, nothing really has. What has changed, is me.

You might leave your closed ones behind some point in your life. These are the people you never want to grow away from. But would all relationships be strained by distance? Or thinking that nothing would have changed once you get back a naive point of view? I don't know. But I've experienced how absence really make the heart grow founder. And if I could fly back now, I would. And I'll give each and everyone a big hug for what they mean to me. Of course, that's before I get back my tan, cut my hair at a decent salon and go to the gym for about a month before. Haha.

Yes, circumstances might place you in situations you've never wanted to be in. But we just have to make the best out of it. Wallowing in your own self-pity would not help the problem, would it? If you think that you're going to have a bad time, be it in first dates or otherwise, you have already set yourself for it. Then, there's nothing more else to expect. Indeed, things might not be as fantastic and predictable as before. But who says it's not only going to get better?

No matter how bad the week gets, I know that at least I have my weekends to look forward to. Not just because school has ended for the week, but I can finally get to have a decent meal, packed with ikan bilis.

It's my solace. (:


I'll be back...

I never wanted to lock my journal. Admittedly, I gain a slight satisfaction knowing that my readers would learn something from my entries, no matter how insignificant it might be. I enjoy blogging hilarious and interesting incidents that have happened in my life because laughter should always be shared, or else it won't be fun anymore.

My blog amassed a steady rise in readership and before long, almost everyone knows about me, the hot stud, and my superstar lifestyle *waves*. And sadly, the nitty gritty details of my life cannot fall under the scrutiny of the public eye. I, undoubtedly, have nothing to be ashamed about. But as law abiding Singaporeans, we have social norms to follow and our reputation would be at stake if we air our dirty laundry in the open.

I won't have made such a draconian choice if not for my classmate's friend, who yaked to the whole world about my circumstances. As I'm awfully magnanimous, I won't blame him, but I would only hope that a lorry run him down 5 times continously. Thank you.

I greatly regret making such a choice. My close friends, who are not livejournal mates, would not get to read my heartfelt entries filled with love and sincerity, as they puke their lungs out in disgust. And of course, I wouldn't be able to inspire any of the blog hoppers that might have randomly came across my blog. Nonetheless, it's essential that I lock my journal as my future hinges on this very decision.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

So for anyone who still has the patience to get to know me, just leave a comment and I'll add you to this little part of my life. (:

Well, I haven't blogged in the longest time but here I am, raging with energy to post this entry with the recent youtube movies that I have came across.

Firstly, we have with us KEN LEE. Oh no,not the judge we have on Singapore Idol. This is a very different Ken Lee, and it's SOOOO special, that we have a song for him, by an upcoming Bulgarian Idol contestant.

-----------------------------------------------------------

This very touching version of Ken Lee has spun many different remixes if you search for it online. I seriously believe that it's so famous because it has the same magnificant surname as the great and wonderful Strider Lee...

...

-----------------------------------------------------------

AND, NEXT UP!

Hip hop is all the rage right now. We have Step Up and Step Up 2 hitting the screens with a bang,and millions are catching them in the theaters.

Break-dancing, Locking, Poping and the likes. But little do these viewers know, that while they are watching professional dancers strutting their stuff, a secret new star is born in the UK.

Presenting to you, the freedancing K-9 in Britain's Got Talent 2.

-----------------------------------------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------

Now the reason why I'm posting this entry is not because of the previous 2 videos. But rather,it's the next one that I'm going to introduce.

I'm not going to say much about it, but I think it affected me a lot because, well, I can relate to the boy. Here's Andrew Johnston...

----------------------------------------------------

WATCH THIS!

And you just carry on singing...

Words by a 13-year old.

Recently, I have been going out with dates that are overly obsessed with their past loves or crushes. And it got me wondering, is it because they still can't find the courage to move on, or whether I can't be compared to someone they have tried very hard to love before? I don't know. But what I do know is that it turns me off completely, especially if I pry further on, only to hear that my dates might still go out with their exes, given the chance.

We always have this little shimmer of hope when we're in love with someone or when we just break up with our partners. 'She might like me!' or 'He might still come back to me!', you might wonder even when reality proves you otherwise. I guess we tend to self-deceive ourselves, because we somewhat believe that love, no matter how impossible, might be miraculous. And as pessimistic as I sound now, it's not. Love's not going to get better if you hope for it. I've once read this quote - 'if someone could live without you, why then, can't you live without that particular someone?' And if you spent your days and nights hanging on to the past, how then, can you move on and see your future, and what is yet to be?

Even if there's a chance for me and my ex to get together, I wouldn't. Perhaps, you might argue that circumstances weren't right at that time, and you two are meant to be together. But isn't it odd? Both of you are 'meant to be', and yet, put in a difficult situation, you two broke up. The world changes every single moment, and circumstances aren't always the same. So even if you guys could be the happiest couple now, doesn't necessary equate to a happy future weeks later. What should keep two people together, come what may, is LOVE, not a particular person. So find that love, instead of hoping for that someone, again.

You might be happier that way.

I am no rebound. I don't believe in settling for 2nd best. It's either I get what I deserve, or I just drop it completely. If my dates couldn't move on, then I shouldn't stay put with them. I have ever come across a friend's friend, who got himself entangled into a love triangle. And what baffled me was that he didn't mind being the '2nd' boyfriend - the toy that once used, can be chucked into the storeroom until the owner is bored again. Why is it that people sacrifice so many things for love but only to realize that instead of getting love back, they only get hurt in the process?

As much as we want things to be kept simple, love just toys with our emotions. Should you call if he doesn't? What should you text her about? Why isn't she calling me?! Throughout the day, we get boggled down by these little gritty things, instead of living a honest relationship, filled with love and bliss. We try to play hard to get and ended up not getting anything at all in return. Love is not a game. There's no definite set of buttons for you to push to get the correct moves. And you definitely can't put in extra credits to continue after a 'game over' screen. Why not just be yourself? And if you lose, it just mean that the game wasn't your type to begin with.

Instead of thinking what could have been, why not move on, and start thinking about what will be.

And that's what I'm doing. (: