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[13 Oct 2004|11:48am] |
let's just say i don't really have a computer anymore, but i don't really need one so it all works out. the new mewithoutYou is in my CD player thanks to David, and i'm pretty sure it's safe to call it a work of genius.
yesterday was spent jumping train tracks in my minivan, cookies, and homegroup that i could really understand and appreciate. after that we went by the Black Dahlia show until i couldn't stand it anymore and we left.
the day before that i trusted a girl that goes to continuation school. she gave me a big pill for cramps and it was basically just a giant tranquilizer. learned my lesson. the end.
i'll probably get a new livejournal soon. it tends to be the thing i do after every september. i hope you're all doing well and refraining from killing yourselves.
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[06 Oct 2004|11:25am] |
happy birthday, Brandi. you're the best boyfriend/homegirl i've ever had. and no, i didn't forget, i just got really nervous when i was on my phone and stuff. i hope you're ready for partying this weekend, and i hope my flowers are still a little alive.
myself and so many others are thankful that He chose to bless us with your friendship, beauty, and amazing hip-hop abilities.
dear God,
i know that this is not how you intended for us to be. i know that you intended for us to heal, and i know now that you've bound my wounds over and over. i just get antsy to see the marks that make me who i am. i will not do that anymore. i am ready to make a long journey into renewal through you. i will let all of my scars thin and fade.
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[05 Oct 2004|01:43pm] |
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Holding Onto Hope. |
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"she was beautiful.
beautiful.
she was worth more and you are worth more.
everyone is so scared to offend.
i'm offended by what we could have said,
what was left unsaid.
there is a plan, my friend.
there's a place for this city in in,
and i don't care who says any different.
all our friends are falling down.
there's no one there to hold them up.
how long until we're fed up?
you're worth more than you've been given."
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[03 Oct 2004|02:44am] |
"He who gets wisdom loves his own soul;
He who keeps understanding will find good.
A false witness will not go unpunished,
And he who tells lies will perish."
-Proverbs 19
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[30 Sep 2004|10:55pm] |
it was really nice to see some people i havent seen at all in the past two weeks and remember that i do indeed have friends that want to spend time with me and let me hug them. it was really nice when Chelsea hugged me and flattered me about Bobbie and Dillon. it was really nice to have money for just a few minutes and be capable of buying my boyfriend something (even if he wouldn't let me), and it was super nice to hold his hand and know that it's the way things are supposed to be- because i'm letting Him lead me. i left my beautiful flowers in Brandi's car, but that's okay because she's my homegirl.
i said, "uh!... i like it like that!"
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[29 Sep 2004|08:32am] |
"the butterfly pinned to the page-
the nightingale locked in the cage."
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[28 Sep 2004|12:24am] |
"She was into S&M and bible studies.
Not everyone's cup of tea, she would admit to me."
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[27 Sep 2004|11:36am] |
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Mozart. |
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"cast down by an angel, she used to kiss his weeping eyes.
depressed in her bosom, tears roll off her nipple.
sweet baby, don't cry! (your tears are only alibis.)
to prove you still feel! (you only feel sorry for yourself.)
and that's how you thrive.
your sorrow's your goldmine."
after Chase, i made prayers out of desperation. in response the lord has led me back to amazing people, someone to help guide me back to him, and praying in faith. i have found a wonderful Church to share with amazing people i am starting to believe actually care about me, and i can consider friends. he has assured me that all i need is him to be satisfied and complete, but i struggle with trusting that.
Brandi reminded me of all of my nonbeliever friends. it's so easy to just forget and look past it, but it shouldn't be. it breaks my heart. if there is anyone that wants to talk with me about what i've written or just go to church sometime, i want you to know you're always welcome. what i have found with God and my Lord is beautiful, and i would be ecstatic to share it with anyone willing to have an open mind and heart.
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[20 Sep 2004|10:41pm] |
on a lighter note.
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[19 Sep 2004|11:06pm] |
i am incredibly somber company, and even worse at playing "hard to get". that's all you really need to know. or have found by now. in addition; going from being with 5 or 6 people, and getting lots of leg squeezes from a certain person- has suddenly made me very lonely now that i'm at home. maybe i'll just give Monday a nice back rub.
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[16 Sep 2004|11:54pm] |
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someone, please give me purpose.
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[16 Sep 2004|10:45pm] |
i hate myself for pulling out all my hair and then having to cut it all off to even it out. oh wait, just kidding, i just hate myself. ha.
"you make me hate myself and everyone that's not you."
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[15 Sep 2004|10:33pm] |
forgive me if you remember the last time i posted this:
"You are the only one that can destroy me like this.
You are the only one that keeps me going everyday.
You make me hate myself and everyone that's not you.
You make me adore life every second you're near me.
You will probably leave me helpless and barely alive.
You will probably love what everyone else hates in me.
You are the only truly good person I have ever met.
You are the epitome of everything I despise.
You could not possibly know any of this.
I could not possibly let my pathetic truths leak out."
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[15 Sep 2004|02:58pm] |
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i went in for an interview today and i got a receptionist job! thank you, Jesus! i'm really excited about the doors this one job is going to open for me. now i can see if i want to focus my energy on school or if i want to try to do apprentice work with Aveda in the future. i'm really excited, and i start in a couple weeks.
in other news; i might go see Mewithoutyou with David and others on Friday, so that would be something really nice to look forward to. i've been praying a lot more, because i definately need a spiritual makeover. i decided that i'm not as horrible as i think, and it's just going to take awhile of me being single and having fun while being single for me to get over Chase completely. i went to lunch at Thai Classic and sat across from Skylana, but we both were way too scared to say hi to eachother and ended up sending myspace messages to eachother later instead. we're cool like that.
the end.
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[14 Sep 2004|07:24pm] |
When you laugh you'll feel my breath there
filling up your lungs. And when you cry,
those aren't your tears but I'm there
falling down your cheek.
and when you say you love him, taste me-
I'm like poison on your tongue.
But when you're tired, if you're quiet,
you'll hear me singing you to sleep.
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[13 Sep 2004|06:52pm] |
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And thusly it ends,
depression seeps in on a lonely messiah.
Now he drinks with the lepers.
Losing a limb, his better half.
A glass once half full,
a head hung half-mast.
He claims he's the victim,
strangled by the nine-to-five.
And a pattern of stillness,
that haunted this still life.
Your tears are only alibis;
to prove you still feel.
[you only feel sorry for yourself]
and that's how you thrive.
Your sorrow's your goldmine!
So write some sad song about me,
screaming your agonies, playing the saint.
[the martyr.]
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