| Chi - ~Philosopheroftheupsidedownmuffintheory~'s Journal |
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Chi - ~Philosopheroftheupsidedownmuffintheory~
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[05 Aug 2004|04:00pm] |
| How to make a _chi-chi_ |
Ingredients:
5 parts pride
1 part crazyiness
5 parts leadership |
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add curiosity to taste! Do not overindulge! |
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(9 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| random ranting |
[29 Jun 2004|11:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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random computer humming and phones |
] |
some people make me laugh.
i was reading a random journal entry that stated the user was proud of their "ability to go cold." wow. i wish i could do that! oh no, this hurts! better shut off all my feelings, act like a complete selfish idiot and it will make it go away! oh no! i still feel like shit! the shutting off didnt make me better! oh well, better shut off more people now!!" haha. what a fool.
god, people call me deluded.
people say that you define your own space. i believe you can. with your emotions and opinions of people, places and events. this person also commented in their lj about how its stupid people rely on their emotions. listening to yoru emotions is pretty fucking vital. it lets you know how you feel about things, how to act about things, whats important to you, its very important you complete fool! theres a very fine line however between being over dramatic and emotional, and firmly listening to your logic without empathy.
but, if you define your area, you have to TRUST your emotions and logic. both are just as important as eachother. being completly logical with no empathy suits some people, but that is definately not me. i like to try and relate, put myself in the situation, try to see their logic, and therefore how my logic and emotion fits with theirs. i dont just look and judge based on logic. "Oh shes hurt because her boyfriend was a dick. waht a loser. hes not worth it. shes stupid for still pining over him. she must have issues because she should just get over it in about a day."
i dont get how people can do that. they must be pretty fucking lonely.
through everything i try my fucking hardest to see the best in people. i give them chances to redeem themselves. the only times i get hurt about people treating me badly is when they cant admit it. so many people now, decide to not care, turn away, run further away and then are way too scared and have such low confidence they cant turn back and apologise or even take responsibility. with all these people, ive tried so hard to put things right. admitting what id done, yet trying to make them see how they were acting. yet they are so deluded, scared and insecure they see it as an attack, abuse or me over exaggerating. you know, sometiems they are so caught up in their own little negative thoughts, dramatics and bad words that i HAVE to say some sharp words to jolt them back into existence, to slap their face to realise what a dick they are being. doesnt mean i like it. its for their own good really. they are too fucked up for me to help them because they are too afraid to look at themselves on face value. personally i am sick of people like this. i am sick of people being weak. ive been through a lot of stuff due to people acting like this. i get too attached so them changing hurts me. i dont blame them though. i just see them as needing help so badly, too afraid to even step out of their comfort mind-zone thats telling them they are acting ok. i know about this because ive felt it, ive known the comfort of that reassurance. but i got out of it. i looked for help from my friends. the people who were there for me, kept trying to get through to me even though i was too deluded to realise at that time. i didnt attack them though. i didnt turn my bad feelings about myself into negative comments and hurtful words to them. i still had enough self worth to realise i didnt wnat to bite the hand that was trying to care for my wound. i appreciated their sentiments, i couldnt feel them, but i let them know i was grateful for their help. i didnt run for long, but i stopped and took responsibility. and now? my self confidence is coming back, i dont care as much what people think of me. however, i get very hurt when the people who helped me through those tough times turn their back on me when they are in trouble, after helping me they dont care for my help.
these people are so sad and pathetic. we all go through it, but that doesnt mean you have to attack people because of how low your self esteem is. its a form of bullying really. they need help. they are too afraid to get help. they wont trust their friends trying to help them. and therefore, i feel sorry for them, but no more. im sick of them, but that doesnt mean i dont feel for what they are going through. i just wish, for once, they could step back and have a good hard look at themselves. i wish they could look at how they have changed, what they are doing now, how they are treating others. do they like doing that? im sure they dont like hurting people. then why dont they stop? is it that hard to stop and take responsibility for the hurt you have caused? maybe it would make you feel a little better about yourself. im also sick of people shutting hurtful relations, arguements or words out of their minds and their emotions. its such a poor way of dealing with your feelings. feelings do hurt sometimes ok, but if you also followed your logic or conscience it would remind you that jsut bottling those greatest hurts up will make your guts explode because of how much burden you are carrying, sealed up, stored away. its so terrible, i cant help but want to help people like that. the hiding of feeligns and pushing people away is such a cry for help. its just so sad, i find it terrible that the person that they believe its the only way to deal. it makes me want to move closer, encourage them, try and support them. usually this ends in me being abused or told im not wanted. i suppose i can usually deal with these things if its fair to them and me. if they consider my feelings, put us on an even ground, and then ask me nicely to leave them for a bit. the bad mouthing and insults i cannot take however. i cannot stand petty insults and my words being twisted around by some pathetic scum who are so low they have to drag others down. i apologise where i have been in the wrong, but i will not apologise for implied meanings. my words are waht they are, if they wish to interpret them like that, they can go ahead.
i had a dream about tom last night. he apologised to me for all the hurt he'd caused me. i havent had a dream about that since we broke up. it made some of these thoughts come back about the past, and maybe some are fuelled by the present too.
if you dont like what ive written, thats ok. these days i will take responsibility for my thoughts. if you must reply, remember this is VAGUE, not directly targeting people, and so therefore i would appreciate it if you do not see it as an attack on anyone. this is really venting about 3 particulars, some old, some not so old, and they have all done very similar things. if you think they are one of them, ok. dont take my words as insult to you, as no one has been mentioned, no "specific" event that could be linked to you, this is vague so i can get it off my chest in my venting device. but really im targeting everyone who acts like that because its how i feel, and you cant change that. i do not like my thoughts and honest confessions being turned into arguments because im expressing my opinions. if you dont like it, write it in your own damned journal or talk to me directly.
well thats about all i had to vent about. i hope you can see this for what it is, ranting. not bitching, not fighting. a good old "get this off my chest" vent.
love you all xoxoxoxoxo
My special hugs today go to: marina and katie, the *lovebirds* and sarah, the *oblong* and also miss *manda b* as they are going through hard times, my love and snuggles to you. i hope you are feeling ok, i am here for thee if thou shalt need it.
A special glomp: for shawn, love you my beauty. :throws glitter in the air:
and very special love and kisses *and an odd grope* to : miss adam, my precious. thank you for another wonderful weekend . and i love you too my little whore ^^
goodbye everyone!! be good! ^^
- chi xoxoxoxooxoxox
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(14 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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[18 Jun 2004|04:10pm] |
| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | | Category | Your Score | Average | | Self-Lovin' | 38.3%
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself | 65.1% | | Shamelessness | 61.9%
It takes a couple of drinks | 79.4% | | Sex Drive | 73.7%
A fool for love, but not always | 77.7% | | Straightness | 5.4%
Knows the other body type like a map | 44.9% | | Gayness | 32.1%
At least one weekend of ecstacy | 83.6% |
| Fucking Sick | 69%
Dipped into depravity | 90% |
You are 46.04% pure
Average Score: 72.7%
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(4 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| Behold, the official shit stirrer |
[17 Jun 2004|01:47pm] |
for those of you that cannot read, let us take a humorous interlude. lets look deep into the minds of those who misinterpret. many of us do this, especially me. but i would like to CLEAR UP some misconceived thoughts about some previous entries.
First of all: refer to this quote:
"...its nothing to do with sidetaking, but could you at least step back and think about how it would feel for you?"
This CLEARLY shows that this is not about sidetakeing, hence my statement saying it isnt. all i was asking for was an EMPHATIC VIEW on how it felt for me. i was not asking for you to go "MY dylan is terrible i shall talk to him no longer" just so you could see why i was SO UPSET AT HIM. i never said i was UPSET AT YOU FOR SEEING HIM. i did mention jealousy, but thats my vice and nothing to do with you.
and secondly this for you people was indeed the CLIMAX or CRUX if you will of my arguement:
"...so therefore i never really know how they feel about it so that makes me uneasy and makes me feel like ive brought dylan hating me on myself."
"...is an incredibly hurt girl who is upset at dylan, and hurt that her friends seem to think this is her fault."
see ladies and gents, im saying I DONT KNOW HOW THESE TWO PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT DYLAN HATING ME. i didnt know if they thought it was my fault, if it was both our faults or he was being unreasonable. thats WHAT I WAS ASKING.
AN OPINION NOT A CHOICE
ill say it again:
AN OPINION NOT A CHOICE
is that clear? now please dont try and make it sound like im being a bitch asking for sides to be taken, i was asking for opinions ideas or comfort. any really. just so i KNEW WHERE EVERYONE STOOD ON IT. NOT WHAT SIDE OF THE FENCE, WHAT OPINION.
now thats clear, i bid you adeiu.
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(14 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| lonely little friends |
[08 Jun 2004|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.
You represent... insanity.
You're quite a quirky little creature. You're
emotions are varying. You may appear childish
and innocent, but you have a tendency to freak
out. You're incredibly random, but it's good
to be unique. People know you're an odd one,
but you certainly don't mind.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla’
you know its so incredibly sad when a friend doesn’t care. A friend who is way too scared to trust, to love or even forgive. A friend who will eventually loose all friends and will be so sad. They don’t need people, nobody needs people, but they don’t even have enough confidence to talk to people, to begin to trust gain. They are so scared they hurt to make themselves feel better. Such a shame Dylan, such a shame your acting like a spoilt brat. And id like to comment that we are not stupid and did not make you stupid. If you think your too good to enjoy people for what they are, regardless of age etc well you’re the one with the issue. I have lots of friends your age, majority of my friends are 19. and don’t talk about how you had opinions and broad ideas with older people. We’ve always allowed that, you know what im like, I love to talk about things like that. Im so sad you just don’t care about me or really anyone I thought you would. My apologies for scaring you, but god, you got issues if you cant forgive. Especially considering I warned you I would kill you if you hurt Katie. You hurt her and you were rude to everyone else. The person who confronted you the most about how you were acting for you to realise was me. And funnily enough you hate me the most. For what?? Reminding you what you had become? A incredibly scared, fragile human, too afraid to forgive and forget, too stubborn and self obsessed to realise that friends are important. I accepted how you had been acting, wasn’t going to comment further and wanted to hopefully help you if you let me. I wasn’t asking to see you every weekend, just to maybe chat a bit about random things. Why wouldn’t I be mad at you for how much you hurt me?? Even my apology isn’t good enough for you, what have you become Dylan? You say im a bitch and im scary, no Dylan im incredibly loyal. You hurt Katie and you hurt me. Of course im going to tell you how I feel about it cuz its just how I am. I prefer to bring things out in the open instead of ignoring the issue like you. And why am I putting this in? because I am honestly incredibly hurt. For everything you’ve done for me, I really cherished it. I was never even mad at you! Just frustrated and upset at how you were acting towards some people. Just this time, when your in trouble, you were hurt and I could tell, I wanted to patch stuff up with you, so I could help you. That’s the honest truth. No favoritism, no pride. Im really upset the Dylan I loved as a good friend has left, and how this cold mopey fool has taken his place. Maybe you belong with just internet friends. You can be whoever you want, you can talk to them when you wish, you can leave without questions. I suppose I just miss you, and im really over now being so upset about this. Its not that you just don’t care, the ignorance, the bitching behind my back, that hurts. The only things ive said about you is how you’ve been cold and rude to everyone and its not fair. Cuz it isn’t.
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(8 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| i wrote this on the 12/02/04 |
[24 Feb 2004|10:19pm] |
the love is suffocating
my feelings are so strong
that i cannot tie them down
they are free and nothing i
can do will drown them
the blood comes up and greets me
and i smile like a treasured friend
everything, everything bites and growls
but this comforting hug, lets me know im still here
as much as a disappointment that is
when i cry tears
they are like memories
of times i hated myself
loved others, hated others
felt jealous. they are personalities
coming up, shaking my hand
this is your life.
my friends, my pain
merged as one
my life, my hurt
purged in hell
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(2 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| nothing for you |
[17 Feb 2004|12:10am] |
it burns a hole in me
and im small and defenseless again.
im pathetic and weak
and you can see right through me.
you knew all of my insecurties
now your taunting them,
hurting them. laughing at them.
i wish i hadnt given you everyting,
and i wish you would stop running away
we are both hurt from this. me now,
you later. how can i not care?
its punched a hole in me so big
now i could jsut topple over;
float away in the wind any second.
or maybe, ill jsut decay, and rot
into the silent earth, who will
ignore my constant weeping
for the part of me that died
when the love stopped,
and my heart went silent.
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(4 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| fuck off |
[16 Feb 2004|07:54pm] |
ive fucked everythign up again
i cant ever speak to him
he only yells at me. im bieng selfish.
apparently again. this is all my fault
and hes saying he doesnt wnat us to be togehther
cuz im fuckign it up i fucked eveyrhting uyp
i know im weeping about hwo i feel to you
but i dont even know how you fuckign feel
let alone if yo uwant tobe friends
why do i fucke everythign up thats dear to me
fuck yuou for everythign i hope you die
i jsut want to leave everything and collapse
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(21 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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[12 Feb 2004|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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afi - leaving song part 2 |
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if i could identify my feelings
identify my tortured fate
get rid of the buring hate
eating into my acidic death
maybe, possibly, i would be here
breathing, living, hating
dying. the pattern never ceases
nothing can be done for the deceased.
fuck me. im dead, we're all dead go away
im alone and its how i want it.
the love i have is not wanted by me
i just want silence i wnat to be free
we all want death. OH! it stings so hard
it feels like rabid death by dogs
biting and scatching, killing my soul
fucking my brains. I AM DEAD.
so alone. you dont care? right? am i correct?
so die. with me. sink with me.
fuck, i wish you still loved me.
but you wnat silence and to be freed
so stab that knife into me
i hope you feel no sympathy
by my slow and gasping plea
please, come back to me
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(Hall of Mirrors)
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| death to the world |
[12 Feb 2004|11:12pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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afi - the devil loves you |
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once again ive fucked up
and theres nothig here for me
and im hurt and fucking nothing
nothing here for me and i feel like dying
i ruined my life again and its all blank
i love too much and i end up dry
and they hate me for loving them
i hate me for loving them
i hate me for being me
fuck
all
of
you
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(Hall of Mirrors)
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[01 Feb 2004|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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datsuns - MF from Hell |
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(Hall of Mirrors)
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[23 Jan 2004|11:52pm] |
someone fucking kill me
fucking give me a knife i want to kill myself i shouldnt be here i hate everything im just so fucking over it. i ruin everything i am a fucking waste and its all gone, everything gone someone please just let me die so i can tyr and have some peace. why do i just kill everything so close to me. fucking. hell. just. kill. me.
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(2 Voyeurs | Hall of Mirrors)
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| if i was a sg girl, this is it. |
[23 Jan 2004|10:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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me first and the gimme gimmes - cabaret |
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AGE: 17 (March 18, 1986)
GENDER: Girl
LOCATION: Brisbane, Australia
SIGN: Pisces.
OCCUPATION: Student
WHY I DID SG: Everyone wants to be cheeky. i have to try everything.
STATS: 5'6. 55 kgs.
BODY MODS: Ears.
FAVORITE BANDS: too many. AFI, bad religion, distillers, queens of the stone age, tool, dandy warhols, yeah yeah yeahs, bodyjar, datsuns, dead kennedys, eighties matchbox b-line disaster, foo fighthers, frenzal rhomb, rocket science, living end, machine gun fellatio, murderdolls, razel, sex pistols, refused, regurgitator, strokes, suicidal tendencies, dropkick murphys, beatles, system of a down, jack off jill, turbonegro, white stripes, peaches, smashing pumpkins, vandals, international noise conspiracy,
FAVORITE FILMS: clockwork orange, vampire hunter d, akira, ghost in the shell, ninja scroll, ace ventura pet dectective, run lola run, lady ninja, requim for a dream, fight club,
FAVORITE BOOKS: harry potter, high society, talon of the silver hawk,
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: hellsing, invader zim, monty python, absolutely fabulous, sponge bob square pants, grim and evil, young ones, black adder, love hina, cool devices, flcl, cowboy bebop, trigun, dragon ball z, friends, third rock from the sun,
FAVORITE ARTISTS: freida kahlo, salvador dali, ben elton, johen vasquez, eugine ionesco, bertolt brect, oscar wilde, william shakespeare, edgar allan poe, socrates, nietzche,
VICES: impatience, my cute little girl alter ego, biting my nails, being obsessed with music,
CURRENT CRUSH: cute little goth/punk girls/boi's
INTO: . cute little goth/punk/japanese/pierced girls/boi's, makeup, bisexuality, chocolate, anime, drawing, photography, body art, tinned asparagus, art galleries, museums, documentaries, philosophy, drama, plays, penny-arcade, fire poi twirling, fantasy writing, diablo II, geeks, SCAMPI, japan, japanese food especially qoo, mountain dew, dr pepper, dragons, vampires, crying, johnny the homocidal maniac, blood, biting, suicide, scratching, screaming, whispering dirty thoughts, black nail polish, music, live music, guitar, ninja's, livejournal, loosing control, being naughty and liking it, mohawks, liberty spikes, bondage, fairies, bondage fairies, roses, candles, incense, brody armstrong, josh homme, davey havok,
MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: when i realised that my life is insignificant when you compare it to the worlds existence.
5 ITEMS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT: masturbation, my computer, my cute little girl alter ego, black eyeliner, music.
MAKES ME HAPPY: happy sadistic bunnies, children who swear, making people laugh, scaring people with insane/dirty/blunt comments, nipples, gummy lollies, QOO!!, really good sex, 69's, fulfilling cravings, sleeping, sg porn,
MAKES ME SAD: when friends/boyfriends just dont care about you anymore, when my friends are hurt, when animals die/get hurt- especially when a human is at fault, drunk drivers, completely drunk fuckheads trying to pick fights, people that are so ignorant and egotistical, people who tell "party stories" over and over again just to impress others of how cool/insane they are.
GETS ME HOT: cute little goth/punk girls/boi's, really intelligent, meaningful people, nipple sucking, biting and scratching, heavy breathing, a suggestive glance/comment, being tied up, knowing they want me really, really bad right now,
I LOST MY VIRGINITY: on the banks of the brisbane river, at an abandoned jetty, when i was 15
FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION: sitting on your face, or my legs over your shoulders or good ol 69
FANTASY: that ruins the fun.
CURRENT THOUGHTS ON SG: its awesome =)
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(Hall of Mirrors)
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| sarah im too lazy to forward surveys. |
[23 Jan 2004|10:46pm] |
[Spell your first name backwards]: araich
[How old?]: 17
[Where do you live?]: brisbane as if you dont know that.
DESCRIBE YOUR:
[Wallet]: its a white paul frank wallet and its got a red and blue bullseye on it
[Jewellry worn daily]: right hand : five silver rings, my black, pink and purple fuck me bands, left hand: my purple baby g watch and my matching skull bracelet i have with tom. earrings. sometimes sleepers sometimes my skull earring
[Shoes]: my blue docs. you should all know that. do i ever wear nething else?
[bag]: my black backback that i take with me everywhere and will until it falls apart.
[Favorite top]: i like lots of tops. probly my band shirts: distillers, qotsa and afi
[Perfume/Cologne]: green tea. and one called summer fragrence by gaultier
[Piercings]: ears. soon nipples and labret.
[What you are u wearing now]: lol now? blue under wear and my black triangle top. : its hot!! :
[Hair]:. its black. and near my shoulders. and wavey
[Makeup]: black eyeliner. black mascara. crazy eyeshadow. lipgloss and purple lipstick
[In my mouth]: in? um, all sorts of things. food. drinks. lollypops, tongues, penis's, nipples, smoke
[In my head]: those voices that just wont go away.
[Wishing]: i had motivation to do things
[Talking to]: tom and marina. hi guys!
[Eating]: nothing right now.
[Listenign to]: dropkick murphys. go the irish pub brawls
[Some of your favorite movies]: um. akira, ghost in the shell, fight club, clockwork orange, moulin rouge, ace ventura pet detective, run lola run, lady ninja hah,
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: my 18th, my piercings and tattoo's, my freedom, my money, my guitar
[The last thing you ate?]: for dinner we had these nice greek souvlaki wrap thingsy and fetta cheese. yummy
Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: toads, praying mantis's. axe murderers in horror movies.
[Do you believe in love]: yes.
[Do you believe in soul mates]: yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: no only "god they are hot" or "gee, i wish i could fuck them right now"
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: an olive python, or a seal.
[Favorite pig out foods?]: reese's pieces chocolate, that cottee's chocolate syrup, sundried tomatoes, canned asparagus. peanut butter and nutella on bread.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: why people hurt so much but they cover it up with so much shit, so deep they dont even realise what they are doing to themselves.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: um, my friend megan, katie rose. and adam.
In the last 24 hours, have you:
[Cried?]: think so
[Bought something?]: yes i went op shopping today. and i had subway
[Gotten sick]: ive got a small cold
[Sang?]: yes
[Eaten?]: yes subway and dinner
[Been kissed?]: yes i've been at toms
[Felt stupid?]: heh yes.
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't?]: i did tell them
[Met someone new?]: no
[Moved on?]: i havent moved on from diablo two yet.... sorry tom
[Talked to someone you have a crush on?]: no
[Had a serious talk?]: yes
[Hugged someone?]: yes
[Fought with your parents?]: i havent been there for a few days so no
SOCIAL LIFE:
[Best girl friend?]: sarah. shannon. best guy friend is adam
[Boyfriend/Girlfriend?]: tom.
[What type automobile do you drive?]: none cuz cars suck
[What type automobile do you wish you drove?]: a datsun
[Would you rather be with friends or on a date?]: depends. a good time with friends and boyfriend is fun.
[Where is the best hangout?]: my group of friends getting pissed, listening to good music with james air guitaring and singing.
[Do you have a job?]: yes. at the bookstore. and now full time...
[Do you like being around people?]: if i like them yes.
[Who have you known the longest?]: um, felicite, then sarah.
[Do you argue the most with?]: my parents and catherine about stupid things
[Do you always get along with?]: shannon i get along with her pretty well. and sarah too. soemtiems we have silly fights though but usually on purpose.
[Is the most trustworthy?]: in no order. sarah, shannon, tom, marina
[Makes you laugh the most?]: lol. um, marina, james being witty, sarah, lots of people
[Has been there through all the hard times]: sarah, marina, shannon, tom of course
[Has the coolest parents?]: tom.
[Has the coolest siblings?]: tom ned is pretty cool. and did i say jonah is good at diablo?
[Is the most blunt?]: shannon.
[Is the smartest?]: shannon. bee
PERSONAL:
[Who is your role model?]: brody of course. josh homme
[Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with?]: brody : sob :
[Have you ever cried over the opposite sex?]: yes.
[Do you have a "type" of person you always go after?]: yes. they must look feminine.
[Rather be dumper or dumped?]: been both. but i dunno it depends on the situation
[Rather have a relationship or a "hookup"?]: people who hook up for the sake of it do it becuase they need some justification. and they suck. if your really horny, buy a dildo for fucks sake.
[Want someone you don't have right now?]: no
[Ever liked your best guy/girl friend?]: maybe
[Do you want to get married?]: depends. but if i do it will not be nething like a conventional wedding
[Do you want kids?]: maybe.
[Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time?]: probably not
[What is your favorite part of your physical appearance?]: my breasts. my eyes.
[What is your favorite part of your emotional being?]: my random moments. hopefully saying the stuff people need to hear at a certain time.
[Are you happy with you?]: its getting there
[Are you happy with your life?]: its getting there
[If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be?]: . my lack of motivation.
bye people.
xoxo chii
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(Hall of Mirrors)
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| hi |
[23 Jan 2004|10:24pm] |
i know its been ages. shoot me. ive been spending heaps of time at toms. and yeah ive been a bit uninspired. but at the same time liberated in, in something.
everyone has their monsters.
its like everyday, i learn more about myself and go, man i didnt know taht? why didnt i know that about myself? waht is going on here? whats happend to uninspired rambling, it sits and constantly stews in my mind, but how often does it get here on paper? or internet, whatever. i mean its not documented. and thats annoying for me. i sit here and its like , nothing. its evaporates and im left with a blank lj entry and nothing interesting to fill it with. sure, documenting of my day, boring, nothing, i dunno, from me. everyone can relay what they did that day, reading something that is, thought provoking or something talented, is much harder. but ive decided, hardly neone reads this, so i can write whatever nonsense i desire. but i mean how do i start? theres the fragments, the desire, the inspiration, but fuck, no motivation? i want so much out of my life, and its just hard to get started. i decided taht yeah, this is the best time of my life, im only beautiful once, i may as well make use of it. i am a sexual person, so, why not at least try the suicide girls thing. i am slowly beginning to accept my body, even like parts of it. and it still dumbfounds me how much elliot controlled how i thought and felt about myself. you know? we really were nothing. but still, he held me so close and almost brainwahsed me into whatever he felt like. and when he ignored me, and treated me like i was not there, it ripped me apart deep inside, and one year later im still dealing with it. i dont think he can ever understand what he did, i wish he could. but he cant fix it, nothing could fix it. only me. i mean tom has helped so much and i am so grateful for him. but he reminds me often, he cant do much, he tries,and as much as he wished he could, he cant heal me.
im working full time im starting on thursday. monday-friday until june when i start tafe. woo. when i turn 18 im gettin one tattoo, one nipple pierced. when i go to tafe ill get my lip done. ill see how it goes to see if i want to add.
bye
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_chi_chi_'s journal
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