When my father shot himself, the news team outside muted their cameras.
Why do I have to type that sentence? I never asked for any of this; not the shaking as I type, the tears I'm about to shed, the horrible empty feeling I have in the pit my stomach that tells me I will NEVER see my father, hear his voice, even touch him ever again.
I want my daddy back.
That's all I ask; just let me wake up tomorrow and none of the last nine years have happened.
This is why I don't believe in you anymore; this is why I refuse to go to church, why I cannot believe the stories abot your love and your grace. You were supposed to protect your flock-- I prayed, I went to church, I believed-- and you fucked me over June 6, 1996. You took away my father-- my best friend, the man who taught me Russian, how to play chess, watched the Simpsons with me-- and then, after that, I had to accept the fact that my father would burn in hell for all eternity-- not because he murdered, or raped, or stole-- but becuase he simply believed in something besides you.
Do you know how I cried that day? I couldn't breathe becuase of my tears; I sobbed for hours, while my mother and stepfather tried to lie to me again and tell me, in the end, this was part of your plan, and I would be happy one day.
What about my plan? It never included this.
I have no father anymore.
My belief in you died the second my father pulled that trigger, the second those newsanchors outside my childhood home signaled their cameramen to mute the sound.
2005-08-04 04:21 am (UTC)
Did you ever think that, perhaps, God- whoever he might be and if he does, indeed, exist- had no real control over this? I mean, all you know of him is what the Bible has told you; I'm sure. But, when you think about it, is the Bible really all that credible? Would you, say, go to school, read a textbook written by a bunch of largely anonymous men two thousand years ago, and honestly expect it to help you with your homework?
What I'm saying is that God, as the big creator and all that, is probably just as upset over your father's suicide as you are. I mean, how much fun is it to lose one of your children? It's very likely that, if he's up there at all, he's a person entirely separate from what those blokes who wrote the Bible make him out to be. I mean, would you throw one of your babies into a sea of boiling blood for all of eternity because he was upset and frightened enough to take his own life? Of course you wouldn't. Neither, in my estimation, would any God worth his title. (That said, would you give him a hug and make an attempt at comforting him? It's likely.)
Even when I did make attempts at believing in various higher powers, I never simply assumed that they were all-knowing or that they could control everything. We're not the chess-pieces of any supreme being. If he exists, he can't control us, no matter how much those aforementioned Bible-writers want us to believe it.
I suppose what I'm saying is that you ought not to cut off all of your faith until you get past the Biblical junk and reject God himself. If you can't do that, then there's a solid belief with you and you won't truly be able to shake it. But if it's just the Bible as opposed to God in which you have faith, then try to look past that and see what's beyond the paper and leather.
I'm so sorry about your father. I can imagine how he must have felt, but I haven't a clue as to how devastated you, yourself, much have been (and, for that matter, must be right now). But God didn't do this. If your dad had it in his mind that he wanted to die; if his depression had overwhelmed him so much that his survival instinct just fizzled out; if, on top of all of that, he had a gun... well; nothing could have saved his life. Not even the creator of the universe.
I hope this all comes to pass someday. You don't, don't, don't deserve to feel like this right now. Just know that you're father isn't in hell, know that he likely didn't do this with you in mind, and know that the Bible is just a bunch of mean rumors spread about an innocent guy for the sole purpose of making other people feel as you do now.
I should, by the way, add that the news media is disgusting for filming such a thing and that people are disgusting for providing the demand for it.
2005-08-04 09:08 am (UTC)
In regards to the media thing-- I just do not, and never will, understand why they felt the need to videotape that. I guess I should just accept that it happened and get over it.
Thanks for the kind words. Oh, and I don't think your comment sounds mean-- it makes sense to me, and I just wanted you to know I'm not all wound up about it.
2005-08-04 11:35 am (UTC)
I'm not particularly religious, but there are some things that I believe very strongly, and this is one of them. I don't think there's anything a person can do to deserve hell after they die.
Anyway. I'm sorry about your dad.
2005-08-04 03:35 pm (UTC)
That probably doesn't make sense; sorry about that...
Thanks for the kind words, though.