i've never known remorse

destroy yourself... see who gives a fuck =D

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 22:40:05 GMT

you know, i don't check my old email inbox often. usually once every two or three weeks, if that. i checked it today... unfortunately, that's where all my livejournal notices go. as i was scrolling through looking for anything of importance, i came across the most ridiculous series of comments i've ever recieved. (and that's saying something, if you think about all the retards i've argued with over the years) anyway. i thought that these were some very amusing replies. and i found it even more telling that the person *cough*jamey*cough* couldn't even leave them up. apparently, he was so embarassed by the whiny asshole tendencies he displayed, he chose to delete them. well, i don't think that's fair. if i had to sit and read these ridiculous attacks on myself, then everyone else should have the chance to see the incredible eloquence contained within, if they so choose. i'm good at ignoring things. i really am. but when i open my email to find 5 or 6 emails talking shit about me, i feel that i have every right to respond to them.

: Number 1
This is my first public post in quite a long time, and feel as though i need to address some things written about me in somebodys journal...though i have told everybody i know who has her Brittany listed as a friend, that i don't want to know anything that goes on in her life or the things that shes posted, this ended up in my inbox anyway...but she didnt know, so i wasnt angry. I'm going to repost the whole slanderous entry, because i can, and then offer my retort and thoughts on the whole sordid affair. My comments will be unbolded. For the record, i hate drama, and i very rarely get angry, but i'm so incredibly pissed off right now.

blah blah blah. yep. i'm terrible for defending myself publicly. bad, bad me. i'm suitably chastised now.

: Number 2
Firstly, you've called a fuck of a lot more than three times..so much so, that i'm contemplating changing my phone number. How many times have i called you? That would be 0..i'm sure that you'll think in your empty little head that its because you never gave me the number, but thats not the case at all, as i do get an itemized phone bill with all numbers called.

Nowhere in my journal posts over the last month have i ever said that i wasnt over you...sweetpea, i was over you a week after you left. Just because i worry about the decisions that you make and sometimes get sad because of the things that you tell me doesnt mean i want you back. Thats just the way that i am..you know, because i'm actually not a spiteful, empty, emotionally retarded pair of clownshoes.

What the fuck is to want back anyway? An angry, abusive, alcoholic whore with daddy issues. Aww, i didnt know my real father so i'm going to be a screw up for the rest of my life. Boo hoo.

ha ha. should we really get into daddy issues? i've never blamed any of my problems on not knowing my father. sure, i've said that i'd like to meet him, but that's really about as far as that goes. because even though i don't know my biological father, i do have an amazing stepfather who's done nothing but raise me and treat me as though i was his own. at least he hasn't spent years telling me what a useless faggot i am.

: Number 3
Uhh, i'm honestly stumped by that statement..warn charles about you? I'll unlock all of my posts to you..nothing even sounding like that even remotely crossed my mind. I hate him, and have hated him for going on five years because i think that hes a moron who never grew out of his angsty 15 year old "hail satan" stage. Why the hell would i want to protect somebody that i've always loathed. I don't know what lies about that are being fed into your head princess (then again, you always were very impressionable and easy to influence), i've never had any contact with him to speak to him about you at all..nor have i ever written about it..so recheck your sources dearie. I'll freely admit to anybody that i think hes a joke...I honestly think that you're both actually good for eachother..you're both walking cliches. God bad!!! Satan and anarchy good!!! Fuck religion!! You people are all sheep..i shall now go and listen to marilyn manson!

What do you guys talk about anyway? "so, i really hate that jesus guy. "Yea me too." "Hey, lets go and burn down a church.." "yes, lets go" "you are my dark gothic princess" "and you are my prince of the 666!"

i think it's cute how you'll lie to anyone to try and make yourself look better. i never said that this was something in an lj post, i personally don't care what you choose to post about. but this is information from someone who really doesn't have any excuse for lying, so you can see why i choose to believe them.

oh, and yes, you're right. i'm a walking cliche. so's charles. that's why we mope around listening to sarah mclaughlan and the smiths, watching buffy, swallowing pills and wearing bad makeup. oh. wait. sorry. that's not us. as for charles and i, well. we discuss everything from music to movies to art and religion. i'm sorry that you can't comprehend religious dissent, and you have to boil it down to some terrible black metal cliche, but hey, i don't expect much more from you. if i wanted to know 27 different names for tears, i'd ask you... but i don't think you have much to contribute on any other subjects. well, you know, unless i wanted to know all about how to be a loser in a rocky horror cast. that, you could instruct me in. i'm glad i'm so much more of a cliche than you, whew. *breathes easier* maybe i should learn to be weak and mopey, just so i can be an individual.

: Number 4
You're just an immature little girl, who is never going to grow up and take responsibility for her life and actions. You fucked things up completely..have fun with your new (everything old is new again i guess) career of selling yourself to skeezy guys with a 20 thats burning a hole in their pocket, and making people come on the phone while listening to you.

What did i ever see in you, you fucking monster. The first time that you ever hit me was on my fucking birthday! What the hell kind of person does that? I'm sorry that you were jealous because every day of the year can't be about you, but that was awful. And don't get me started on christmas..how could you not get your fiance a single present? I didnt care though at the time, because i was happy enough watching you open up your presents.

You repulse me, and you're dead to me. You're going to back in town mid april...if you want the rest of your stuff, it will be boxed up in the basement here. My locks have been changed, and your name removed from the lease, so feel free in that time to grab your belongings if you wish. Bear in mind, i could have just as easily thrown them away, after a month its considered abandonment, but i'm not a heartless, inconsiderate classless prick like you are.

Ok, thats it..your name will never dirty up my writings or come out of my mouth again. From my end, this is now over.

Oh and for the record, its SUPPOSEDLY..not suppobly you alcoholic headcase fucking twit. You always sounded like such a mongoloid moron when you'd use that word wrong.

And one last thing..thank you. Thank you so much. I loved you so much, and though you made me sad and miserable so often, i never would have stopped loving you or left you. By you being a total and complete waste of flesh fuck up and leaving gives me the opportunity to be with an actual human being who knows how to treat others longer than three month spurts.

I don't even know why i felt the need to waste my time (which i never seem to have enough of lately) to post that..anybody who knows me, knows that you're full of shit and have lost any kind of respect for you that they may have had. I'm a wonderful person..i shouldnt have even need to defend myself.

Also..if you didnt get your taxes...i couldnt fucking care less..its not my responsibilty to hunt them down for you. Go to the IRS website you tacky ho.

Ugh, i'm sleepy.

"This woman is yours now. I've paid my whore. I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me."

wow, that's all so profound and deep. because, as i'm sure everyone knows, i am immature. i'm a complete 12 year old. that's why i have the backbone to actually stand up for myself, and why i choose to end things when they no longer work for me, rather than drag them out indefinitely. i'm the immature one for being honest. why is it that people like you claim to love honesty, but when you get it, you become angry? i guess honesty is only the best policy when it's something that you'd like to hear.

and i can tell you what you saw in me- you saw an opportunity to play the martyr... again. i realize now why you put up with tiffany for 4 years. you love being sad. you love having something to whine about. it makes you feel important to be sad and more downtrodden than anyone else. i'm sure that you love your crown of thorns, and you think it looks real good on you. but trust me, it's just fucking pathetic.

and let me tell you how absolutely sad and miserable it makes me that some jerkoffs have lost respect for me. boo hoo. anyone whos respect i care to have, i already have. i'm sure that everyone respects you a lot more than me for calling me hurtful names and slinging mud in my direction. because, you know, that's the most mature and respect-earning behavior in the world.

oh, and i love how even after you say that you're done with me, there's still yet another email in my inbox. that sure showed me how serious you were! *smirks*

ok. i'm not even going to apologize for this, because i'm a firm believer in a person's right to defend themselves. in fact, it would be sad to me if someone recieved something like this and did nothing. the actual comments these came from have been removed, however, i like to keep them up here as a reminder of the ridiculousness i've gotten away from.

thanks for making this all so much sweeter.

FIN.

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 06:51:48 GMT

so, anyway. some things have come to my attention recently that are actually so fucking retarded i feel that i have to make some sort of public statement against them. i'm still wiping tears of laughter away over this one...

first of all, let me say... get the fuck off your cross. you're not a martyr, no matter how much you wish it was so. things didn't work out between us... get the fuck over it. stop lying- i've called you maybe three times in the last month. don't try to tell people that i'm the one keeping you from moving on by calling you all the time. the only reason i called you last night was because you seem to be incapable of actually sending my tax documents. i've obviously moved on, and the last thing i need to do is waste my time calling you.

and, as for moving on... stop it with the "i need to warn charles about brittany" crap. i think it's funny that you've always hated him, but now you want to tell him what a terrible person i am? you were the one who always talked shit about him in the past. you tried your hardest to make me think that he was a bad person. and now that that has failed, you're trying to turn him against me. the thing is, even you should be able to realize that he's a very intelligent person. if i was such a horrible person, i'm sure that he would have recognized it by now. the thing is... i'm not a bad person. you're just pissy because someone loves me for who i am. there was someone out there who could accept me without needing to make adjustments to my personality. nothing is going to come between the two of us, so you can knock it off. talking shit to mutual friends is going to get you nowhere. we're happy together, and that's all that really matters. there's nothing you can tell him that he doesn't already know. so if you're so concerned about his wellbeing, feel free to drop an email... i'm sure it will be amusing.

anyway. i'm going to go finish laughing now.

p.s. life is fucking amazing right now. dark eden heads into the studio in may, alexis and i are going down to miami that month, as well. charles, alexis and i are going to tampa to stay with mykill from sister kill cycle for the fetishcon in august, and i'm demanding to go to europe this christmas.

oh, yeah... in case you're all wondering what's become of me, add my new journal... thedevilsrobot.

ciao, bitches.
<3

Tue, 04 May 2004 00:53:19 GMT

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song lyrics by that band: KMFDM

Are you female or male:
"juke joint jezebel"

Describe yourself:
"There's no feeling inside of me
You'll see nothing can hide in me
You'll find nothing can feed on me
Don't look, listen or believe in me"

"I went through too many people
I went through heaven and hell
I went from rome to bagdad
Too many stories to tell

I lived through too many aeons
I've risen up and I fell the fall
I have been there and I have done that
I've seen it all and all"

How do some people feel about you:
"Nihilistic mystics
Apostolic alcoholics
Messianic manics
Cataclysmic and prolific

Mesmerizing festering
Intended for the faint of heart
Cultish and anthemic
Untill death do us part

Like a fiendish tropic virus
Spitting bile at all you whores
Razor-sharp tongue-in-cheek
Poking in your open sores

A wolf in sheep's clothing
The ultimate disgrace
Wrapped up as a gift of god
Exploding in your face"

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:
"if i could leave my burning skin
that has been used up in your sin
is there a tiny part of me
untouched, unsoiled by misery?"

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:
"it's the end of this world
something's gone wrong
give me one last kiss
revolution has begun"

Describe how you want to be:
"You break my back
You won't break me
All is black
But I still see
Shut me down
Knock me to the floor
Shoot me up
Fuck me like a whore

Trapped under ice
Comfortably cold
I've gone as low as you can go
Feel no remorse
No sense of shame
Time's gonna wash away all pain

I made a god out of blood
Not superiority
I killed the king of deceit
Now I sleep in anarchy"

Describe how you live:
"We enjoy ourselves
Should we get some help?
We have always failed yet there is no doubt
Can't go wrong from here
We are down and out
All of us are going down"

Describe how you love:
"Into this void I will give my Self-Control.
Inside this noise is a weak and godless soul.

Give me what I know.
Feel this ego.
There's a rusty halo on my head.
It must have been something that I said.
This is the dome of my betrayal.
This is the final broken nail.
Fill this hole,
suck this soul.
I'm the thing that I can't control.
Press My Flesh!

These eyes are twitching like a cup of squirming flies.
When i'm on my knees you can do just what you please."

Share a few words of wisdom:
"Innocence dies trust betrays
Hope remains i'm a fan of the flames
Hey there baby girl
I got a weakness for lies
And i'm speechless for highs
Your hurt's my hope i'm your holy ghost
Your angel of mercy
I'll keep you dirty
Be kind to be cruel
So break every rule
Be cruel to the kind and you'll take every fool"

chemicals keep me under control

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 01:12:43 GMT

.fuck.off.

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 06:21:02 GMT

Post and I'll think about it.