Dancing Through Life

WHY do i still think of you?

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 20:30:42 GMT

i can't beleive this feeling. i don't get it. it makes no sense. i have someone. he loves me. i'm so happy. so, why, WHY do i still think about you? why once every blue moon do u pop into my head? why do i even care at all? why did my heart drop into my stomache when i realized you had someone too? why does it matter? why does it affect me? it makes no sense...no sense at all. why, when after months of not thinking about u, do i all the sudden care again? it's not fair. and i want u to be happy...but then why am i jealous? it makes no since...i'm doing the same thing...and i'm HAPPY. god, finally i'm happy. trully happy...without you. but then, why do i still care?

they say your life flashes before you...

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 04:40:55 GMT

oh my god. i have never valued my life so much as i do right now. people say they have near dealth experiences and i used to laugh at them...it just seemed so silly. but seriously, it is the most frightening thing in the world. EVERYTHING changes so fast. literally in the blink of an eye...fractions of a second, and everything is different. fate and god were on my side tonight. in one of those fractions of a second, things could have been so much worse. i came so close to...v;aovn;avnlo...it freaks me out.

here's what happened. i was headed home from ucf on the turnpike when all of the sudden this thing, this huge peice of something, metal i think, i don't know, comes hurling at my car. it hit me face on and smacked into my windsheild right in front of my face. it came at me so fast i didn't even comprehend that something was comming at my car until it had already hit and smashed my window. they say ur body just kind of takes over in a state of emergency...it totally does. i don't know how, but i somehow safely made it from the far left lane over to the right shoulder. after i pulled over and gained my composure, i realized that it must've been the hood of the car in front of me that came flying off, up and over it and straight at me. it was the single most shocking and horrifying moment of my life. and it happened SO fast. my mind didn't even have time to think...it just DID. to hear that smack...at 85 miles an hour...just come hurling at your face and bust your windsheild in the middle of the highway. god. i am so fortunate.

i just hope that i never have an experience like this again. it could have been SO much worse. its so scary to think about. i appreciate everything so much more now. i can't beleive how true ALL of those cheesy cliches are. i didn't even have TIME for my "life to flash before me"...it just would have ended. thank god. it all can change so fast. god.

love

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 04:36:58 GMT

you never truly appreciate something until its gone...really gone. i have so much to say. i didnt know i was capable of feeling so many different emotions at once. regret...disbeleif...yearning...confusion...heartbreak...reminisence...warmth...despair

i can not even begin to describe what he meant to me. he taught me so much. god, i am simply amazed. he taught me so much about how and what it means to care for another person, and about appreciating every moment. about finding balance in everything you do or think and about trust and communication and compromise. about staying grounded and staying true to yourself. about making the RIGHT choice although it may be the hard one. about what it really means to love.

regret is a miserable word. and some how i managed to cause more regret this week then i EVER have in my life. but im trying so hard to learn. its hard to learn when your hurting from it, and when youve hurt someone else. but i hope that some day both he and i will look back at everything...not just this week but all of the bad through our whole relationship that ever caused even the slightest glimpse of regret and bitterness...and learn from it.

i can't imagine that anyone will ever love me like he did or make me feel as beautiful, comfortable, blissful, appreciated, cared for, and respected as he did. i've never trusted someone's absolute care for me like i did his. and for that, i am eternally greatful. if i ever took advantage of that, or hurt that i am emensely sorry. because i am so honored and amazed and appreciative of the unwavering care you had for me. i would have and still would do anything for you.

i dont know if it hurts more to think about the good memories or the bad. both seem so close, but so far away. i want all that we had again. so many speicific memories flash through my mind but i can't capture even one of them becuase i know i can never relive them. and that hurts. knowing its over. i miss you already.

but even though it hurts and its difficult, i still know that it was the most amazing experience of my life. we were so perfect for each other, yet so opposite. it was beautiful. i will never forget you, and you truly will always remain a part of my heart. i wish you all the best in the world. you are an amazingly compassionate, promising and all aroung beautiful person. and i hope to be with you again someday. i love you, steven bookbinder.

shhhh! this is private!!!

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 03:00:27 GMT

Here's a riddle for you....

what smells like poop
tastes like poop
and is brown, yucky and poopy?

...POOP!

you're digusting.

BUT THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's monkey wrestle again soon...i liked it...it gives me lady gravy...

senior skip day

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 21:37:08 GMT

life is so good.

it just is. everything is great.

:)

wow

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 04:27:33 GMT

well, its over. my college audition is over. ture, i still have my audition at fsu next weekend. but i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. i'm happy with my performance today. *knock on wood* now its just a waiting game.

life is good. i dont know what im going to do once i dont have auditions anymore. its been my life, preparing for them. this is crazy.

i miss steven. i've been so preoccupied recently, i can't wait to get back to normal. god, i love him.

January 28, 2006

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 00:53:14 GMT

- five month anniversary.

- 6 days until UCF auditions.

- 13 days until FSU auditions.

- 5 days until i see Andrew again.

- 1 day after districts (i LOVE troupe 4259!)

- wow.

4259!!

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:36:06 GMT

well...we made it to states with our one act!! out of thirteen schools, we came out as one of the top three. i'm so excited! and the best part....WE'RE ALL GOING TO STATES! that has never meant so much to me in all my four years of high school. i LOVE our troupe this year. we're really like a family. states is going to be AMAZING. i forgot how much i like thespians. i've been so caught up in my boyfreind and in prepping for college that i forgot how great it is, and what a big part of my high school career it has been. there's just nothing like it. i love it. LIFE IS GOOD.

lovers

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 20:09:50 GMT

life is amazing...but stressful.

school is good. boyfreind is perfect....

but, one acts tomorrow (yikes!). college auditions in two 1/2 weeks (big YIKES!).

WOOOOOWWWW!

if you know what i'm sayin...

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:25:25 GMT

wow. you know how when you can't imagine something could possibily get any better, but it just does? and you don't know what to do with yourself because everything is just so warm and fuzzy inside and you think you might explode from all the happiness? and even though there may be some bad things or some hurdles in your way they become so small compared to that wonderful thing called love?

...yeah, i do.

i love steven bookbinder. and not a day goes by that i am not reminded of it.

p.s.- i got in to fsu! winter break starts in four days! woot!

woo whoo

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 02:51:11 GMT

wow! guess who is typing on a brand new lap top!?

waaaah!!!!!!!!

18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the most amazing few weeks...

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 02:38:28 GMT

-i will be legal in less than 24 hours. (!!!)

-i got into UCF.

-i was thrown a suprise party.

-i'm enjoying school more than i ever have in the past 12 years.

-i'm singing again.

-andrew's coming home.

-i realized what it means to fall in love.

it's a beautiful life

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:16:06 GMT

well, i havent posted in a while but, fortunately, its because things just keep getting better and better, and i really have nothing new to write about.

crimes of the heart has been an AMAZING experience, both on stage and off. god, between that and steven i really can not even beleive how this year has turned out to be the absolute oposite of what i anticipated. i was expecting the WORST year i've ever had in high school, and it's become the best (the only thing missing being the presence of andrew, and all the other amazing c/o 06 kids, ofcourse).

i love my friends!!

good vibrations

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 02:15:25 GMT

its true- good things do come to those who wait.

...i missed andrew a lot today...

1 month

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 01:48:14 GMT

that was the best feeling in the world. this is the best year. my freinds and family are amazing. they just care so much, and i am so greatful. they applauded for me and made me feel so loved, even when i did so little. god, the people in my life rock.

oh, and steven is still the best boyfreind EVER!! it was only our "one month anniversary", and he still showed how much he cared. even though it was a tiny milestone in what will hopefully be many to come, he still made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. i really cant even decribe how ecstaticly greatful i am to have him in my life.

what could be better?

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 02:36:42 GMT

"you're perfect."

"you're perfect."

"so we're perfect together."

cheesewiz

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 02:00:40 GMT

so, i can't seem to shut up about my amazing boyfreind. but i figure, i coudln't stop bitching about my unhappiness when i was single, so i might as well gloat now that i've found someone who makes me complete.

i've never been so compatable with someone. it's the best feeling in the world. sometimes i have to reassure myself that it's real, because i feel like i'm in a dream; its just too good to be true.

all of my recent journal enrties have been about him...but i simply don't care. nothing else in this point of my life is beter then this feeling.

love potion #9

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 02:25:54 GMT

this is the happiest i've been in a LONG time.

and its just so...right.

we go together

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 01:14:22 GMT

my weekend was fantastic...

-steven

-american eagle

-AMANDREW

-no SAT prep

-SLEEP

-shopping

-more steven

-japanese food

-laughing

-swimming

-bowling

-improv

-a little more steven

...who is the best boyfriend in the world.

i want you

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 18:10:47 GMT

wow. i can't beleive how amazing this year has been so far.

he said he wanted to wait for the perfect moment...and he did. and it was well worth the wait.

cluck cluck

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 02:40:56 GMT

well, none of us saw that comming...yay "lovers"!

this year has been so much better then i was anticipating. true, i miss andrew...but life goes on. i'm really having a suprisingly good time. being a senior rocks.

i like boys...well, one in particlar, but i dont wanna jinx it. :)

run away with me

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:13:25 GMT

today we packed up andrew's car and said goodbye.

it was hard not to get emotional, so we did.

andrew- i know you're scared and i know you're stressed. but i have the utmost faith in you. i know you can do this. you know you can do this. have fun. we'll be together again soon. i love you.

measure your life in love

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 21:15:16 GMT

so, i saw world trade center last night. that is a hard movie to sit through. i felt nauseus for the whole first 30 minutes. i, personally thought it was too soon for a movie like that. it was really hard to handle. i have so many opinions on it, but i just dont even want to talk about it because i'll just get upset again.

on a slighty lighter, but not much more up-lifting note- andrew leaves in two days. the reality is starting to sink in. i dont think i'm going to handle it too well. ugh. my mind wont even let me think about it for more then a couple seconds. oy.

all in all, summer has been trully amazing. it was everything i hoped it would be, and more. i am trying my best to be optomistic about this school year. i think once i get used to the differences, it'll be fine. it's just a lot of new things to get used to. i'm already freaking out about college auditions. what a summer it's been; what a year i have ahead of me.

open hell

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 02:10:17 GMT

so, i adore my teachers and i love my classes...but i HATE high school.

no place has ever made me so depressed.

i felt so old walking into that building. i dont mean to sound snooty, but i just feel so above it all. i'm so over high school.

it finally hit me...when i walked into the lobby of the auditiorium and saw all the pictures on display of drama over the last few years. troupe 4259 will never be the same.

senior year- here goes nothing.

the teaches of peaches

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 22:51:24 GMT

again, summer is amazing.

i had the best weekend. bewteen rocky horror and the beach, the sun burn and lack of sleep were most deffinitly worth it.

class act starts tomorrow. rehearsal intensive from 9am to 5pm for a whole week. i'm both excited for and dreading all of the hard work we have ahead of us. hopeful my nods wont act up. *cross fingers* oh, how i love what i do.

i can't wait for gypsy.

i need to figure out what i'm going to do about making money this year. i dont want to go back to flanigans.

everyone is already freaking out about college. senior year, here we come.

andrew leaves in two weeks...fuck...