| when is it time to stop blaming yourself? |
[09 Jun 2008|02:27pm] |
Once again, years later.
What do you do?
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of him being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
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[25 Feb 2007|08:28pm] |
Fight or Flight.
Apparently I'm a Flight kind of person.
Not too proud about that, but at least I'm admitting it to myself.
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[19 Sep 2006|04:25am] |
apparently I ate the rest of the live band.
Tom wouldn't get a picture with me, Nate had to suffice.
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| i'm absolutely, terribly crazy. |
[09 Sep 2006|11:14am] |
The other night X & i made out.
Now, hopefully no one reads this because i'm totally blasting this across cyberspace.
I've been so confused since then.
Before, i was perfectly content with Dan. Dan wont commit. I love all the little things about him, the stupid things we do together, pretty much everything besides that one little commitment thing. Which, obviously really fucking irks me. I love his stockpiles of ambition & his sarcastic smart ass little comments. I like that we can be complete assholes to each other joking around & not have to worry about offending one another. I don't spend enough time with him anymore though, and anytime we do i feel like it's just a ploy to get me to bang him.
He's really good boyfriend material, but alas...
Anyway, so i was talking to X the other day, which by the way is completely unexpected. [Self Note: Learn to expect the unexpected, therefore not freaking out as much when things such as this occur.] Anyway, conversation/mini hang out with X prompted me ending the day with BEGGING, [actually begging like a full-on crazy ass] for him to hang out with me later on.
Hind sight being 20/20, i'm thinking "What the fuck was i thinking?!" on more aspects than you could possibly imagine.
I should have expected it to be weird & awkward, which for the first bit was nothing short of "Why am i here? Maybe I should leave. Yeah, i think i will. Okay, what will my reason be for coming over for 30 minutes then leaving?" I decided to tell the conscience to STFU, obviously.
After i was more comfortable, it was just like how i remembered, only a few new surroundings. Then of course, human emotions come into play where my entire mind was racing. For some reason our minds take the good over the bad. Even if you are the most awful pessimist in the world, your good memories of anything will always outweigh the bad. Quite frankly, this quality, or lack thereof really sucks a fat, floppy disgusting cock.
Anything in my life that i value most are always the simple things. Those things are what my attention is usually directed at, when most people fail to even notice they exist.
People knowing stupid things about me & remembering them releases crazy endorphins in my brain which make me all nuts. EX: He grabbed my knee. Since i was way young, that is my 'tickle spot'. The one spot that i will completely freak out & laugh forever if you grab it just right. He did. I died, retaliated by doing something he finds completely the most annoying in the world. That one gesture, and suddenly after everything, pent-up hate & shit talking all comes crumbling down in my face. Weird thing is I couldn't have really been more happy within that moment.
----------------
Comes time to leave. [obviously, i'm somewhat paranoid like a freshman on a first date, wondering what the fuck is going to happen next]
Small talk. I hate small talk. [blah blah, this gum sucks. blah blah]
"okay, well it's late i gotta get home, it was nice seeing you. Hug?"
[longest hug in history of hugs, ever]
BIG talk. [almost positive he could feel my heart beating out of my cheat]
He just goes for it, dude. [It pisses me off that i can even admit to myself that it was the genuinely most happy moment i've had in a while.]
I was in it. I couldn't think of anything else if I wanted to. I didn't want to stop because I knew that it was never going to happen again. If it did, it was going to be like drugs. It's only amazing the first time.
My heart loves familiarity. I think everyone's does.
"Should we even be doing this?"
"I don't know, I'm just going with it, it doesn't necessarily feel bad"
Continue on...
Amazing hugs, kisses, words, smells, forehead kisses, EVERYTHING.
LEFT.
Call: "That really shouldn't have happened, it opened up a bunch of shit that shouldn't have been opened & now i'm really confused."
"Anything can happen"
Now i am left with such a mess.
There is a hurricane in my head with thoughts i shouldn't have & things flying everywhere.
If hind sight really is 20/20, why do we always do the same things over & over?
I'm at a complete loss.
I want it so bad, but why?
Trying thinking at a logical stand point, what is my reasoning for wanting this?
I remember how shitty everything was, why everything happened, shit talking, lack of anything & everything. The good outweighed the bad, and that's not just the memory speaking.
Right now, my romantic life is as follows, using female metaphors:
I can't be happy with a Prada handbag. I will return it to buy a reasonably priced bag that's not as awesome but I will have much more fun with & love, especially since it's full of money that i saved by returning the awesome one.
I don't want to get rid of the prada handbag until after i know that i can have the reasonably priced one though. I'm pretty sure someone's looking at it for keeps.
SUCK.
Perhaps i should just say fuck it altogether & look somewhere else?
ungh.
i still love him.
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| TOUR! |
[22 Jun 2006|08:03am] |
SUNDAY June 19th, 2006 - State Theatre, St Petersburg, FL
Drove to St Pete, met up with Nevin <3, drove to BFE to find a room, finally found a fancy ass room with FREE happy hour! watch tv & fun things til happy hour, drank some vino, went to show, talked to Matthew Embree, beard? trimmed, eyes? squinty as shit, mood? happy as shit, nicest guy ever, make-up doesn't piss him off, perscription drugs do a lot, Morningwood=very unmarketable name, Adam's shirt was clean, SEX IS EVERY-THING, corona, CRAZY time, got Adam to change channel for me, chainsmoked, new cd is amazing, new shirt makes tits look huge[er], HEATHER! YAY!, got kicked out for things i'd rather not mention, sat behind the venue pissed off, all the sudden sick, puked, felt like shit, more amazing things, passed out, snored a lot, woke up, had a gronola bar, got lost, drove home.
MONDAY June 20, 2006 - The Culture Room, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
decided it was a great idea with wendy, rest stop is a good place to buy extacy?, drove to ft lauderdale, Nevin skipped out & then blamed me for getting us kicked out night before [douche], scene sucked, dad should never bring you to a show, i need a cig, go in, scene still sucks, OMG i love joe, no poster for wendy, RX buttons for my belt, I'm a freak, Adam's shirt is inside-out, stage is too tall, hot as fuck, bubbles= good stage prop rainjackets no good, RX Bandits= amazing as shit forever, GREAT weed smoked at show, show ends, Expensive Citgo, weird Funyun guy, cigs!, RX Energy, venue again, Chris is amazing & 'gettin there' drunk, love Joe even more, Joe wears my boa, Steve- Satori is amazing new cd out soon, "Weren't you hanging out last night? I wasn't...", CHoi= "Where's Nevin?", Chris [brass] is SEXY because drummer Chris said so, Matt doesn't owe ANYONE SHIT!, Frisbee is game of choice, drove home, myspace desa, sleep.
TUESDAY June 21, 2006 - The Social, Orlando, FL
"Beach day", change clothes at Wendy's, Pik N Run for cigs with Weed Drawer, Taco Bell- OMG SICK, drove, Rach wears Raisins, got lost in Orlando, Steve Borth on phone spotted from at least 75 feet, parkins garage, OMG i dented a 4-runner, moved parking spots HAHA, waited in no line, Matt Embree gives good fives & has lovely teeth BTW, line forms, scene rules, go in, scene rules even more, HEATHER [again] YAY!, Adam is still tall & has a new shirt [OMG!], Myspace?, we're very monkey men, AMAZING SHOW, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCH?!", sweaty & gross, Chris= fantastic, Joe has really wet shorts, I flirt with my eyeballs & hands, picture booth, left, TOUR MANAGERS= TEH MAN, hussled into buying cd for pirating earlier, back door stalkers, "you have like 70,000 pictures with us, we're gonna start chargin, fucking amazing pictures, matt embree rocks my world in ways i never knew possible [still doesn't owe anyone shit], aren't i nevin's GF? he wishes, pizza with a very 'viscous' texture BLAH, I <3 steve borth & his sax, walked off with some peeps, loose joints= not cute, smoke well, way high, very awesome high conversation wtih Chris+Joe, Boa is in van on dashboard, "marijuana makes me violent", Adam is so cute & straight edge with a cute girlfriend [yes i stalked his myspace], Steven Heet is amazing & missing out, almost ran over by van, "did you smoke? you're acting like an ass", I'm now a hippy, poked Adam 'bye', fell asleep on ride home.
Words will never be able to sum up this adventure. Nothing short of amazing, those who were there know what all of these random run-on sentences mean & the memories are fucking amazing.
Until next year.
Warped on Friday!
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[21 Jun 2006|10:44pm] |
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| i stole this from Chris JR. |
[29 May 2006|07:28am] |
LJ Interests meme results
- bleeding through:
a band, that i liked apparently when i started this LJ thing a few years ago. Not so much anymore. They're okay. I'd listen to them in the car & all that jazz but not the first band that comes to mind when someone's like "What do you listen to?" - computers:
OMGWTFBBQ 1337 S741x0rz 4e.
<3
internet g33k 4 lyf.
ROFFELZ - football:
Ask yourself:
what self respecting American citizen hates football?
Then you will have the answer to:
What American citizens should shoot themselvesin the face for sucking so hard?
Because football, in all forms, High School, College, Pro may have different rules but all the same concept & can get a crowd of thousands to their feet in 5 seconds & acting a damn fool while they're doing it. All with a piece of leather.
Who else can do that & when has that ever been acceptbale unless at a sporting event? LOVE LOVE LOVE, even in my [or your] living room. - iron on letters:
Not so much any more. It was a good idea but they're all rubbery & shitty & once the shirt is washed they have a tendency to end up as a nasty black ball of god-knows-what in your washer unless you burned them on & ruined your iron.
Really bad for home appliances & my life altogether. - moisture:
pools, oceans, lotion, vagina juice... etc.
is there such a thing as BAD moisture? unless it's humidity, which poofs my hair into disgusting shapes or condensation which screws me up driving at 5 am. - open signs:
the neon ones?
& who doesn't hate ANY store having a CLOSED sign up when you're ready to go shop? I prefer OPEN & of the neon variety. - razor blades:
very needed in everyday life. [Especially for cokeheads/carpet layer-downers/my armpits!]
yes, the only time they're bad is when people are attempting suicide, usually in the wrong direction.
- sporks:
OMG! Taco bell has the most awesome plastic ones. I stil have soooo many individually wrapped ones.
America is obsessed with multi-tasking. Any utensil you could eat Soup & then immediately Chicken is amazing. - the muppet babies:
Muppets are kinda lame. Muppet babies however were AWESOME. It was before Miss Piggy was completely disgustingly obsessed with Kermit. Gonzo's nose wasn't HUUUGE & everything was just peachy.
You never saw their Nanny's upper body, which still bothers me now. - wal-mart @ 3am. rubberbands:
I totally forgot to add a comma i guess. I love rubberbands, they're very handy in every way possible. I'm somewhat of an Afro-engineer so the things i can make out of several common household items [including rubberbands] are spectacular.
& wal mart at 3 am is totally less whitetrash & it's open 24/7. & it's so fun sifting waist-high in random boxes everywhere to get to the listerine.
Enter your LJ user name, and 10 random interests will be selected from your interest list.[or calie will murder you in a terrible, terrible way]
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| By the way vanessa, i love you |
[29 May 2006|06:54am] |
| [ |
music |
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all these love songs |
] |
WE WENT TO THE BEACH!
Then i went & tried on bathing suits for like an hour, which... i cannot do. I need M size bottom & a size Quadrillion top. I'm pretty sure they don't make size quadrillion; therefore despite their lack of mix & match bathing suits, i did it myself when no one was looking & STILL. If i got one that fit my boobs, the ass would sag down & be DYING to show the world my vagina.
i<3 the way i look with a sunburn. it's so cute even though it always makes me look like i have a mustache. [which they're apparently in so i really have nothing to say about that]
Um, I'm totally looking forward to tonight. I don't know what's going to happen but holy shit it's going to be CUH-RAZY fun. We haven't erally hung out besides yesterday in a while.
If we both felt like driving to Orlando in the middle of the night I'm sure crazy funnest would ensue.
On my day off i spent it watching babies. It wasn't bad though, bubby just cuddled with me all night & made everything wonderful.
Granted i work my ass off at retarded hours & for shit pay, i'm having fun. I'm actually enjoying having a negative social life. i bitch about it but it's a good excuse to keep me away from asshole fuck offs that i wouldn't want to hang out with anyway. I like new friends; i like NEW everything. Who'd want an old something when you could have a BRAND NEW better something? that's exactly why people are always upgrading computers & cell phones. DUH. Fix all the glitches in the old shit.
Just consider myself fixing the glitches; and doing it oh so greatly.
yet i've been talking to a lot of people from high school i haven't seen in forever.
OMG - this makes me smile like CRAZY.
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| i'll be a mother fuckin son of a bitch |
[30 Apr 2006|07:14am] |
i'm so fucking excited because THE FUCKING FORMAT is tonight in St. Pete. Which means I will get to see Tom!!!
aw, he makes me so happy. i miss him.
I will be leaving mad early, arriving mad early & leaving mad late.
Derek, i so hope you're there because i have a feeling these people are going to be shitheads. We need to defend your shit, bro.
<333
so excited!
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[22 Mar 2006|06:12am] |
Saturday I will start my Low calorie semi-liquid diet all over again for one month. but to ensure my fat ass doesn't gain it all back, i'm doing it healthy with a 700 calorie a day limit [designed by me to ensure all proper food groups are covered] which will consist of:
220 calories - 1 bowl of cambell's tomato soup
19 calories - 3 stocks of celery
137 calories - 8 oz glass of milk
120 calories - 8 oz glass of orange juice
200 calories- 2 cups oatmeal
1 ONE A DAY WEIGHT SMART tablet
-all the water in the effing world-
oh man, i'm starving thinking about it but that shit's gonna drop like crazy, i plan on working out too. i should be mad skinny by april 25th & i'm only weighing myself every Saturday to ensure that i don't start an eating disorder.
i'm going to stick to this shit too & i expect you all to helpme out with this. k? good.
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| goodbye four-leaf clovers... |
[22 Mar 2006|04:56am] |
I haven't written in this in a long time.
I stopped because no one ever read it but that's exactly the reason i am writing in it now.
I'm having mixed feelings. In that, it's not the way it sounds.
I am actually happy with someone; they just happen to be a bajillion miles away from me. which sucks, but i came up with this elaborate plan to move & blah blah happily ever after [or at least that's what i'm thinking in my still naive mind]
I've always been a good risk taker, but in this case it's not just a risk. It's a life altering decision that i feel i'm not giving enough thought, but that the same time that's why i'm doing it & if i went about it any other way it'd turn to shit. I'm spontaneous & anything i've ever done like that has always turned out amazing. Looking in my old comments Wendy saying '2006 will be groundbreaking for you' is really an understatement.
I'm scared. I'm really really scared about this. I feel like if i don't get out of this comfort zone now, i will end up nothing. Yet by justifying that, i'm moving to a shithole twilight zone?
My mom says it's stupid because once i go, i will be sucked in & ruin my life. I say i am a huge pile of potential & ambition & even if i were coming from Asshole, Texas i can make amazing things out of myself. I just need to do something, ya know?
I want everything to just be right. Unfortunately you have to work your ass off for that to happen, or by some grace of God win the lottery. [i'll take option B for 43 million, please]
i'm going to end up going without my mother's blessing, which hurts a lot but i feel like i'm doing nothing here, i'm at a stand-still. If i get up there & decide that i am just digging a hole, i'll stop before it gets too deep & relocate once again in hopes for better things. I'm going to think of it as a vacation.
i'm just pissed that i was so gung ho on this & now because of what everyone else thinks, my feelings are a big mess. I'm not going to let anyone fuck this one up for me, even if i'm just fucking myself in the long run. I have to fuck up myself to realize that it was a shit choice; which i don't think it is.
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[15 Mar 2006|03:06pm] |
today is the anniversary of my virginity being lost at approximately 10 this evening.
hahaha
woot
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| i chime in with why haven't you people ever heard of... |
[08 Mar 2006|12:13am] |
In my life there hardly ever comes a time that i'm embarrassed to mention a band that i love. One of those rare times are now, & that is Panic! at the Disco.
BUT if i were to ever start a band i'd totally come up with an awesome place to put an exclamation point or any other cool punctuation [such as the semi-colon] & if nothing else, i think they're cool for that.
I will quote myself in saying that i think they are totally the Hepatitis C of music right now.
( lj cut of shit )
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| 'cause every inch of me is bruised. |
[24 Feb 2006|10:53pm] |
i miss home.
i don't feel as if i'm welcomed here anymore by anyone.
i feel bad going inside my OWN fridge & want nothing to do with anyone but to sleep all day & cry when i realize i'm awake.
i'm so fuckin depressed & my entire life revolves around 10 o Clock PM because that's when the nighttime minutes start in kentucky. He calls everynight at exactly 10 on the dot. At least that makes me smile.
when i got on the plane home i was hysterical. I decided i'd put some music on & of course of all the songs to be playing when i turn the mp3 player on was 'Bruised'.
"I've got my things i'm good to go, you met me at the terminal just one more plane ride & it's done"
i totally felt that. i completely understood 'Now every word of every song i ever heard that made me wanna stay, is what's playing through the in-flight radio'.
every word of this song was exactly what i was feeling & made me regretful that i had left at all. I've decided upon my nothing short of amazing trip that i'm moving home. I know it wont be the same once i live there, & the jobs aren't awesome but at least i'll have him. I know i'll miss my family & everything but i feel this is right.
i've honestly never been so happy in my entire life than i was those 2 weeks. My life is a puzzle, with one piece missing & i feel like i found that one piece. it was just RIGHT.
i want nothing to do with any males that are not my Trenton & even if it's 8 months before i can see my baby again he can rest assured knowing that he is the last person i have been with.
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| my thoughts |
[19 Feb 2006|02:08pm] |
i miss unsnowy weather.
winter used to be my favorite season because it's so cold & you can cuddle up in a warm bed & just snuggle under the blankets all day.
NOW, after living in florida for 6 years i definitely think that snow & cold is extremely overrated & i hate it.
k thx
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| Kay Why. |
[11 Feb 2006|10:26am] |
i loooove flying fo rizzle.
My mom said 'don't do anything crazy like go up there & fall in love' but i think i did. I'm completely head over heels fallin for this kid, even though that had already been done before i even thought to get on the damn plane.
I had this really huge fight with my grandmother that ended in a bunch of N words. If i called you, i'm sorry i just really needed someone to talk to & no one would answer their damn phone. i thought it was gonna be a lot different when i got up here. Trent has made this trip nothing short of amazing so far & every damn time i look at him I'm crazy smiles, which who ever made me feel that way?
But back on this Grandmother fight thing. Incase any of you didn't know Trent is a molado boy, which nothing like that ever bothered me. i live in a place that everything is socially acceptable but shitting on windshields, & even sometimes that's okay with a reasonable excuse. My dad is black, my mom is white, my best friend is pretty much my brother & he's black. I guess i could blame in on kentucky but i don't like to blame a place for people's ignorant ass ways. My grandmother called & said: 'Have you been talking to him before?' I said 'yes, for a while now' Then she tries to play the 'i thought you came up here to see me' and i said 'no, i came to see everyone, i haven't been home in 6 years.' She says 'you've been spending all your time with him' Keep in mind this conversation took place the SECOND day i was here. Then she started talking about how [explicit word i hate using when people are actually serious] are so stupid & blah Blah blah. He was sitting right next to me & two of his friends were sitting beside us. I tried to keep the conversation quiet, but then after that i just went off & stated that i knew a HELL of a lot more dumbass white people that the entire population of black people i've ever met in my entire life & that maybe she should go have some water & learn a few things then call me back when she wants to speak to me like a human being. She brought up my dad, which i told her i have no problem with him but considering i was up her for 14 years & he never said a goddamn word to me, i don't feel it should be a necessity that i see him while i'm here & paying for it. So she told me to go have fun with my [again, that word] & i haven't been back there despite my entire wardrobe is at her house. I don't really want to go back & when i go get it today i'm not gonna have much to say.
My feelings are so hurt & even more hurt that he had to hear it & know what it was about. I'm colorblind, none of this ever matters in florida & i really don't know what to think of everyone here. It wasn't just nana, we went to the mall & there were rednecks staring us down. Learning from my mom in the past 5? years Gerald has been apart of my family, I grabbed his hand, Smiled & kissed his arm as many times as i could get out while they were still staring.
i'm so attached so i'm trying not to think of what's gonna happen when i have to leave in 2 weeks. I'm just not going to think about it & have fun while i'm here with him.
All of you expect calls sometime today after i go get my shit from my Nana's house because i'm sure i'll most likely be on the verge of tears. I have no words to say to her besides fuck you until i cool off so i'm just gonna get my shit & be gone. I MAY visit her before i leave but that's a big fat MAY. wish me luck!
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[23 Jan 2006|07:58pm] |
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fuck that noise.
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[17 Jan 2006|12:09am] |
dude no one responded to my directed at no one fat lesbian comment.
thanks for notbeing offended, fags.
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