It's such a beautiful day

Oh. Ok. So. Things WERE looking up.
They are like this now:

+ I am doing a great job at the Limited; they love me
- They cannot give me a ton of hours
+ They can give me MORE hours than they could before, and want to, because they think I'm doing such a great job.
+ I spent most of my day helping this woman find a new wardrobe. She is so sweet. Please watch her on CBS in Phoenix for the 10 o'clock news!
- Natalie (the woman I nanny for) laid me off because her husband's hours got cut to part time and the house they're renting is all of a sudden on the market to be sold. They are most likely moving back down to Tucson. There goes my main source of income.
+ I'm trying to keep positive; I'm applying at Half Price Books tomorrow, as well as Charlotte Russe, Changing Hands, and probably some other stores as well.
+ A family friend of ours works in corporate at Nordstrom; she's calling me tomorrow and is going to try to get me a job there.
- I cried really, really hard when I found out I was losing my job.
+ I have an amazing boyfriend who is seriously so supportive and wonderful. Even with all of this mess, I am still one of the luckiest girls ever, because I have him.
- I have over $500 in credit card bills that cannot be paid right now.
- Rent is due in two days.
- TMI but I have a YI. And it is making me sad.
- I am still coughing. I feel like the only thing the antibiotics did was give me a YI. And that's even with my taking probiotics. Fuuuu.
- I have a ton of homework to do before Tuesday.

I basically feel like I can't catch a break. I just want something permanent. Half Price Books is opening a new location on 21st and Camelback. I am hoping/praying/wishing I get hired; they want full time. If I can only find another part time job, I'll stay at the Limited until I can find something else. I am 99% sure they are going to keep me after holiday, if I need to stay.

If anyone knows of any places that are hiring, please let me know.

I have to have my tonsils removed and I have to stay at my parents' house for my recovery. I love my parents, but I don't want to be so far from my friends and my Aaron. I want to bawl just thinking about it. I fucking hate being sick, I hate that I have to have surgery. I am so fucking scared.

Hey, remember that time my car got totaled and I cried and had panic attacks and was fucking miserable?

( Well, my car got hit - again! )

the streetlights flickered on, one by one, as we drove past them, greeting us as we drove the long way home. you said something about how it resembled stars assembling. instead of listening, i paid attention to the hum of the tires on the road. i reached out to coil my fingers between yours. instead of caring, you told another story. my fingers drummed awkwardly on yours, debating whether or not to grip again, just to see - maybe you just didn't realize what they were doing.

instead of gripping, i let go completely, and try to focus on the tires humming on the pavement.

it
is
all
good
in
the
hood



of fort tits n bits

After nearly three months of not crying, I can't fucking stop leaking tears.

Yep, pretty much.

I was supposed to bring Jercita to the groomer today but I slept in too late. Oh well. I'll call them today and let 'em know. But now I'm awake with hours and hours of free time before I was supposed to go into work (if I go at all). Brian Kelly is still asleep so I don't want to be banging pots and pans while I'm cleaning, so instead, I'll wait until he wakes up. Then we can clean together. Awh.

Survey time:

A - Age: Twenty
B - Bed size: Queen!
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning my room
D - Dinner Favorite: Sushi
E - Essential start your day item: MacBook. Hahaha.
F - Favorite color(s): Turquoise and black
G - Gold or Silver: Silver, by far
H - Height: Five two and a half.
I - Instruments you play(ed): None.
J - Job title: Skip Tracer.
K- Kids: A million. Gross. None.
L - Living arrangements: In a fabulous 2br/2ba with Brian Kelly and Jercita in Tempe.
M - Mom's name: Adrian Ann
N - Nicknames: Fran, Franny, Frankie.
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None!
P - Pet Peeve: The way my dad eats. OMG. Watch that and you just will know all of my pet peeves.
Q - Quote from a movie: "Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because I listen to pop music?" - High Fidelity
R - Right or left handed: Righty
S - Siblings: Older sister
T - Time you wake up: 8:45AM. Hate my life.
U - Underwear: Not wearing any. Woooo.
V - Vegetable you dislike: Brussel Sprouts. Fuck that shit.
W - Workout style: Ha.
X - X-rays you've had: None.
Y - Yesterday's best moment: Getting an unexpected phone call from a very handsome boy.
Z - Zoo favorite: PANDAS.

First photo of me in my new room. Liz bought me the flamingo wall cling. I love it. People outside of my apartment are very loud. I bought drug store cosmetics for the first time in over a year yesterday - ouch. But it's good. Life is very good.

It is summer! It's already too hot out for my liking. I've had horrible stomachaches for the past two days. I need the weekend. I have a very bad headache. But things are good. Promise.

I miss Brian Kelly. He is at work and I am bored. Brian Kelly is the best roommate I could've asked for, by the way.

I have two dates this week! One tomorrow and one on Thursday. Fabulous.

I am working full time now and will be for the rest of my natural born life, most likely. Oh well. That's how it works, right? Life is still good.

I am on my patio smoking a cigarette, on the ground, with Jer-Z, playing on my laptop. Life could not be any better.

Everyone, pretty much, is back for the summer, and I cannot wait to see some familiar faces from my far-back past.

Ashley is on her way over. She lives 5 miles away. Same with Liz. I love you, Tempe.

Summer will be fabulous.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAAAAY

Meh, why not:

Ask me one question for each of the following:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. Livejournal

My new goal in life is to truly not over-think things and let everything happen "organically." I'm ready for things to just fall into place where they need to.

My mother is actually trying to help me find an apartment to live in with Brian Kelly.
My baby cousin is here. She is nearly three and is the smartest child I've ever met, not to mention the most beautiful (ok, so I'm slightly biased). I am laying in bed with my snoring Jersey. My nail polish has hardly chipped since I put in on seven hours ago. This is a record for me.

I'm just going to stop putting so much stress into my life. I took an online stress evaluator which says, no surprise here - that I am living at a high stress level. Here's to hoping I can alleviate some of it. I know summer will help with that.

Taking every day as it comes seems like a good plan.

Here's a thing: I will either hurt you or you will hurt me. Probably a little bit of both.

A few things:

1. I got my new digital camera today. It's a Sony Cybershot, 9.1 megapixels, 15x optical zoom, etc, etc. It's a great camera and I got it for a great price (I brought it a competitor's price and it was nearly matched at Best Buy, plus I had a gift card and got a great deal on a memory card).

2. At about 11PM tonight, 20some minutes after I left hospice, my grandmother, Virginia, passed on. She was nearly 90 years old (either 87 or 88 - I'm a bad granddaughter, I know). She passed peacefully, in a dreamy sleep.

3. I'll be in Chicago the weekend of March 5th (the weekend before I go to NYC - I will be a tired little girl after these trips, sigh) for my grandmother's memorial service.

4. I still like my job a lot, even though there's a guy who works there who uses phrases like "towel heads" and the "n" word, neither of which I consider to be necessary in the professional setting. For other reasons, not including my argument with him about his ignorance, he is being phased out of our office and will be gone by the summer, which is when I'll start working full time.

5. My mother and I got into a bad fight when I told her I was moving out. She has since apologized for being so rude and hurtful, which I am really thankful for.

6. Only 18 days until NYC!

I am exhausted.

Save for the first line, this is so, so, so true, it's insane:

Name: Francesca
Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 51730426

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

Although you are, deep down, a very caring person, you are very particular in the choice of friends and indeed very demanding at times. You can be most quarrelsome and controversial and it is because of this argumentative trait you can at times explode into open conflict - conflict with even those you may care for and love. It is because of this inherent argumentative streak in you that may have resulted in broken hopes and dreams.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

My grandmother is dying in the hospital. Today, my mom makes "the decision" of either putting her on a permanent feeding tube (delaying the inevitable) or taking her off all of her medication, nutrient tube, and just giving her "comfort care." The way they described how she would pass seems really dignified, actually. The toxins in her body will just build up, and she'll just go to sleep.

Back track: my grandmother has always been sick, she's been living in assisted living since February 08. A week ago, the people at the group home told my mother that my grandmother's blood pressure was really high. On the 13th, they put her in the hospital. She's been there ever since. She had a stroke, and, by looking at her brain, saw that she had numerous strokes over the past few years. She is now completely blind, cannot swallow, all cognitive brain functions (her right arm is paralyzed and they believe that the left side of her brain has pretty much stopped working). All she is making is the occasional moans, groans, yawns, sneezes, coughs, and basically things that are the most "primitive" of functions.

The doctor who talked to us last night told us to put ourselves in her shoes - would we want to live like this? It isn't even living, really. It's as though we're keeping her alive for ourselves. Really, for my mom.

My grandma and my sister/I have always had a very complicated relationship. We never really got along with her. But to see my mom in this pain is what is truly getting to me.

On top of this, my arm has been in so much pain that I can't lift it above shoulder height. I am in so much pain.

Good news: my boyfriend and I had a very nice pre-Valentines' Day dinner and a movie (Friday the 13th!) and Valentines' Day breakfast. I spent a lot of time with my dad's side of the family this weekend, too. I also got my tax return, so I'm able to buy my new camera.

Basically, my job right now is to keep my mom from dehydrating herself from tear loss. We've been making her laugh, telling stories, trying to make her feel better. It has completely solidified that I'm getting my tattoo for her. I think that she'll actually really appreciate it. She may drive me nuts, but I really do love her so, so much.

My actual job is going great. I make my own hours, I work as much as I want, I get paid pretty well. I really like it.

There's a good chance I'll be in Chicago this weekend. I wish it were for something fun.

Apparently, the Phelps Family will be picketing outside of Desert Mountain High School on January 30th at 2:30PM. In case you don't know who they are, the Phelps family are pretty much the ONLY members of the Westboro Baptist Church, who advocate extreme hatred. Basically, I'd love to knock these fuckers out, but instead, I would love to join in the peaceful protest.

Please, please let me know if you want to be there, too.

As an aside, I updated http://absolutelyfrantastic.wordpress.com, so go read and comment.

I can't stop feeling like I'm going to break down and cry for so many reasons. It's terrible.