_bloody_dicks_

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-09-22T22:22:00

2004-09-23T05:32:26Z

question which has recently and periodically come into thought: whats the difference between good and evil? is there an innate difference given by god, or is it created through mans judgement of action? im leaning toward the latter.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-09-10T17:15:00

2004-09-11T00:16:58Z

i just got in a political conversation with my roommate. gah, fuck politics. im glad someone else studies this shit because if i cared any less id be in a coma. i miss good ol' coors, where bush is the president and iraqis are bad.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-09-08T21:50:00

2004-09-09T04:53:03Z

i live in seattle now. mostly studying. i remember liking math alot more than i do right now, but these books slowly remind me of what ive forgotten.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-07-22T03:22:00

2004-07-22T08:57:09Z

travis told me hed go swimming with me this week. i went over there last night, with the intent of swimming at broomfield rec in the morning. well, in the morning im eating and getting all ready and hes avoiding mention that hes going to go with me. he says stomach hurts and mumbling something else and im starting to feel in the back of my head...i knew this was gunna happen, i knew he wasnt gunna come. he walks outside withme and talks to me through my car window, "i think im gunna go buy a cd". i drove away without saying much, especially not goodbye.
so im upset for a few mintues driving down lowell. i knew it, and why is it such a big deal? swimming is my thing, it doesnt mean its travis' thing or anyone elses thing and this is a good lesson that you shouldnt be trying to force yourself on this person. a reminder of what the relationship is...what a relationship can be and what i want right now. a friend, a partner, not a love buddy to follow me around and pretned he likes what i like. then im in the pool swimming and im mad occasionally and wondering if itll be wierd seeing him at work for once. then im enjoying myself swimming. see? its my thing, i love to swim and whatever, he doesnt need to be a part of that to be my friend. only still a bit mad because he did lead me to believe he would come. not sure if he said it, but i really thought he would and even dreamed we were swimming last night and it was sneaky and dissapointing the way he watched me leave alone. ive got the kickboard out and doing dolphin kicks and i look up and some skiiny guy in a red phat farm shirt and white hat is walking down the side of the pool toward my lane. what the fuck? wow...
travis showed up at that place, to say sorry and to watch me swim. im telling him about my exercise routine and hes teasing me about 5 laps to go. he says im good at breast stroke and i swim 4 laps in a row. he tells me they were pretty consistent, 1:00, 1:03, 1:04, 1:05. hes checking out one of the lifeguards and im swimming away with a big grin on my face. im swimming however, ive lost count past 20 laps. i get out and he asks me for one more. he wants to see if i can swim a lap under a minute. alright. i dont want to get out, as usual, but knowing ill wear myself out before work tells me ok just one more. i swim hard and flip around and come back without choking. phew. 45 seconds. ive never really tried to go fast, i go for endurance. ive never really tiemd myself. now i might try once each time, see if i can beat it.
he waits for me to shower and dress and gets me a sandwhich and some dairy products. the whole time were holding each other, hes making fun of the deli lady while hugging me from behind. he said he wouldnt have come if he didnt feel bad. he said he knows it was wrong like he told me hed do something then he totally didnt, and hes sorry. even for the right reason. im impressed and eleated and trying to think or remember or whatever that i was supposed to be mad at him. i told him i would have probably gotten over it by work, but id have lowered my opinion of him, which was the truth. he said he wouldnt have that. now its even higher, i said. he said it shouldnt be, remember, he did wrong.
wow.
so were back in the parking lot and we hug and kiss in front of god and everybody, and were on our way to work. i can see the town of golden driving west on 128. its cloudy up here, raiing on my windsheild a bit, but the sun peeks out onto south table mountain and i can see practically exactly our destination from 20 miles north east of it. this place is pretty cool for that. yep, thats it down there, i can almost see the M carved into the side of lookout mountain. the little srawl of downtown hugging the side of the hill. thats where were headed.
were in the monthly team meeting watching a saftey video on the dangers of power punch presses.
"has anyone told you you look beautiful today?"

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-07-20T00:08:00

2004-07-20T05:46:04Z

now this looks like a job for me, so everybody, just follow me

im dating an eminem impersonator

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-07-13T10:18:00

2004-07-13T16:00:00Z

too busy acting like a baby to raise one?
you only live once, better make it quick
90% knife, 10% fork

a new recipe i havent tried yet, from my good friend nathantial over at camp jesus. a dvd box set of studio ghibli movies, including all of miyazakis feature films. a few non fiction technical books and a cup of starbucks at the opposite temperature of the air.

3 days at travis' house, mostly alone. sitting under a tree until 5 am for mental exercise and a quick surprise. healthy eating and swimming in kilometers.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-06-18T11:06:00

2004-06-18T17:06:43Z

every day my life is amazingly good. even on the bad days. when i get to seattle, and its raining and cold as balls and ive got a 2 homeworks to do and 100 to correct, someone will say "you dont know how good you had it over there" and ill say "ya i do, i said it every day".

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-06-13T16:34:00

2004-06-13T22:32:49Z

the beauty inherent in the system!

i met some people that i actually like here. a whole group of them and its been tons for fun, weekends in a row. sadly, it does cut into the family time, only coming home for clothes and food (and athf). and so waves go out to travis and bean, who dont own computers and will probably never see this.

i had a dream last night. i was working at rmmc, break time, when a tear in space-time appeared next to my press. it looked like a sideways eye with an outline of lightning and a swirling blue and purple filling. i walked right into it and got sucked through to the other side, the second floor hallway of 40 munsey dr, hamton nh. i walked down to meet the laskeys, who were all there but him, wearing the most seemingly happy faces. we chatted for a while, but through the niceities came a topic of deep concern. he had been upstairs, in his room for days, smoking pot, not eating, not talking to anyone. i should go see him.
i back upstairs and saw his door cracked open with an unshaven, rectangular face spying through. as soon as i opened the door, i embraced him, and hugged as hard as i could. i wouldnt let go, started crying, and crashed both of us to the floor like a wall falling down. he didnt say a word. he looked drugged, and on his left calf was a good sized gash, festering and filled with dirt and mold. he didnt notice or care. i sat there for a wile with him, telling him to come out, to talk, that he needed to get out of this rut. i felt like i was telling myself 5 years in the past, the urgency and futility combining into melodrama. eventually time was up. i looked at my watch, it had been about 30 min and i had to get back to work. i walked away without looking back, hopped into the glowing ellipse, and tried to keep my body upright so as to land properly. when i got back, i was unsure if this was the correct universe; things looking in the right place, but the people walking around without life in their eyes. i figured, probably, and if not, it seems good enough to roll with, and put my gloves back on.

so, wave to rml3, and i hope youre ok, although youll probably never see this.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-06-06T00:18:00

2004-06-06T05:57:24Z

harry potter 3: we're in some crazy magic world where anything can happen!

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-06-04T00:30:00

2004-06-04T06:34:15Z

sure i never write when everything is going that way.

last weekend was too much fun. camping in wyoming with travis and roomates and a rent-a-girlfriend that we left behind when she malfunctioned and took off with a bunch of morons across the beach instead of performing her primary operation (fuck beaner).
so alright, we had fun. got there are 5 am saturday, set up camp. in the morning we pissed off a bunch of thight ass family types riding circles around their two yr old on dritbikes ("if you hurt my nephew i swear i will kill you") then moved camp again. beach party usa and we had the loudest truck out there ("you got any tupac?"). i cooked, of course. travis took me for my first dirt bike ride. those things go alot faster than i thought (90+mph) and you can go anywhere! we flew through a nest of gnats and i was picking them out of my eye the rest of the night. the ranger nazis ticketed us for not being by the book and stole everyones fires and kegs. we went to sleep cold and exhausted, inside a tent huddled around a blue neon light. the sound of a nearby generator made it feel like we had survived a national disaster.

sunday morning gusts of wind woke us up and kindly asked us to leave. 10 minutes later everything was strapped down and i was tying my shoes. back down in colorado, we replaced the rest of the camping trip with a cookout: spinich/artichoke dip, grilled corn, steaks, potatoes, much better than trying to heat a hot dog before it gets blown off the stick.

went to boulder that night and picked up some hot chicks at a bar. no, really. one hot fucking blonde and one hot fucking asian with apparently nothing better to do than talk to me, travis and bean. we drank, danced, etc (they were watching themselves dance in the mirror, we were watching them dance next to us) and drove them to a party they knew about. it was crap, usual college this and that, but i did score a copy of snes ffiii (thats terrible, yes, i am that guy). and i did participate in some make out frenzy in the back seat with bean and the asian. she told me i was a good kisser. she had a lip ring. her friend kept bringing up the fact that she was just like everyone else (come on, dont be stuck up) but was in reality far less entertaining than everyone else.

all in all an exhausting weekend only made worse by another lovely night of talking, laughing, moon watching, cartoons and fucking like theres no tomorrow. theres your journal entry.

d'oh

2004-05-27T14:36:32Z

im sick as fuck

might not see you guys this wkend. and anyway, where the hell is everybody?

m

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-05-23T20:40:00

2004-05-24T02:22:37Z

the seventh sunday of easter. christ ascends to heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Lord.

thoughts of richard most often cross my mind at this point of the week. the good ones, not the previous post.

attention yous who use this thing

2004-05-19T15:58:10Z

i finally found out i get may 31 off. so im planning on meeting you down there for the camp camp but the earliest i can arrive would be saturday am-ish (assuming i start driving right from leaving work friday at 11pm). someone who lives up here (surge, adam, ty...um..tyler..er..t-bone) please join me for the trip, as me alone in a moving vehicle for 6+hrs is a certain death trap.

should i meet you at home or at camp site?

love,
melissa

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-05-06T02:09:00

2004-05-06T09:50:12Z

i keep it around my neck in a tiny bottle. i got it as a souvenier on hampton beach, one of those booths where they write your name on a grain of rice that you can wear on a necklace. it looks like a tiny grain of rice, too. but old and shirveled with the name no longer visible. i suppose if you were clever, youd realize dry rice doesnt shrivel. but it hangs there and noone gives it a second thought.

that last weekend we had together, ill never forget it. it was tough knowing i couldnt take pictures because of the severely illegal nature of the event. but i took it in with all my senses, and i keep it in my head, and around my neck. it started actually, months before. months of searching, tracking, secretly watching the man i loved. who had stopped speaking to me so long ago, it felt like. actually itd only been months, but each day crept along like a railway through the siberian plains. so cold, so bleak, continuously glancing out the window for a sign of something, a starved hope kept alive only on itself.
waiting is a pain in the ass and my grief turned to pain turned to anger turned to this. i started searching the web. one link turned into another and suddenly i was tracking him up the east coast through a blog. names dotted his posts, fractured details here and there. i pieced them together and found him staying in a university dorm near a town i used to live in. the wheel set in motion.
i drove down there as soon as i could. two days of sleepless highway, truck stop coffee, upbeat cds. my front brain focused on interstate maps while the back of my mind was busy calculating plans for interception and conquest. ill probably have to stop at home depot...

college towns are an easy place to blend in. i sat outside the building smoknig a cigarrette on the sidewalk. i saw the light flicker from the tv set, heard young voices quietly talking. there was only one i cared about. i couldnt make out words through the glass, but the tone was unmistakable. i spent the night between walls of brick and concrete. thoughts, ideas, imagination soared with the possibilities available to me. i controlled the adreniline with deep breathing. as spectacular as my horizons were, this would only go one way, and it had to be done right.
morning came. afternoon followed and finally she left for a class. i let myself in behind a student entering and made my way up the stairs. i gripped two cords of rope in my left hand and passed my right along my thigh, checking on the knife in the side pocket. i knocked in a calm but audible fashion. twice.
i heard something move inside, my heart rate quickened. i felt a presence in front of me, separated momentarily by wood. my blood tingled. i tooka deep breath as the knob turned and a face showed itself. my right hand covered it and pushed it onto the floor. its body was wearing familiar attire, possibly something i thrown on casually after sex. some mumbled confusion filled the room but my mind only heard anger and instructions to restrain richard.
its easy to persuade someone with a knife to their back, and we walked casually with our arms around each other down to the car.

the car ride was something out of an independant film. i felt so upperhanded, driving westbound in the slow lane, listening to kid pant beside me struggling to get free. i remember my face scruncing up at the thought of how cute it was how his left arm tried to help. aw, look at it flail. not gunna get anywhere that way. no, youll go where i tell you. youll sit and enjoy the ride. the silence didnt bother me this time, as it had so many other times in the car. despite the quiet, the air had always been fogged with complicated, unanswerable worries. what was he thinking? was it something i did? questions and answers fabricated through rickety feelings-logic bouncing back and forth. my mind straining to pick up acutely subtle clues through facial twicthes and breathing patterns. oh, it had been awful.
"but im glad we're past all that now, right laskey?"

i didnt stop until we reached the other end. the far shores of washington state, cold and unforgiving, waves crashing on black rock around a sleeping forest. sleeping to us anyway. i knew they saw everything. in contrasting time scales though, i was a mearly a fruit fly passing through. we got out exactly in the middle of nowhere. right next to and old wharehouse made of corrogated steel, used fifty summers ago when the waters could be reasonably fished. now it was all acid water and constrictive law. noone cared to lock it when they left.
i stopped the car and walked down to the waters edge. my prey still tucked inside, sick from clawing the back of the seat, arm worn out from stretching in vain. i smiled and took in the ocean mist. i sat amoung the fern and rock, pants and skin soaking in the rainwater. i felt at one with nature. the ocean was my mother, and she guided me with her enormous arms, reaching out in every direction, flled with power and wisdom. she calmed me. she coached me through recovery from the overexcited wreck the journey had made me. i was home at last and would soon complete the play she had so beautifully sung out to me. but now we were in intermission and i stood and streched life back into my limbs.
in such a touching moment, i thought to share it with the one i loved. my human connection waiting in the car. i dragged him out to the shore with me, holding his weakness up before the ocean. she smiled back, proud and happy for me. i blushed. the arms flaided again as if lifted by a second wind, and the boy i was trying to share this moment with stumbled to his feet and dashed away. a small knife flicked open in my hand and found its way into the back of his thigh. i ran over to assess the damage.
"this is not how i wanted to draw the first blood. this must be embarrassing for you."

so before we could even start, i had to repremand that incident. disrespect is a tough fault to correct. i knew he hadnt any manners from the get go, but i also knew it was out of ignorance and forgave him. not this time. you bow before your elders and you dont leave without excusing yourself. fine then, ill have your knees for this.
i had brought with me only knives. i remember moss had a fear of all things medical, and squirmed when i licked dessert off a knife.
"well, i had to! its my religion!"
i chose a thin, sturdy number close to an ice pick. motherfucker. i tied the neck around a tree, branching out at a height just taller than he stood. i secrued the torso with him facing away from me. i stood back until he stopped fucking moving, shithead. careful aim landed the needle into the back of his left knee. some noise came out of it, and he fell for a second, standing back up on the right to sustain breathing. i pierced him again symmetrically. sounds of choking then came out, this tiem having nothing to stand on. i pulled the hunting knife from my side and cut him down. hell know better now than to raise himself higher than the ocean.
"shes in a totally different class, man. you cant fuck with her."

it was friday night then. that last weekend we had together, ill never forget. from the very beginning, a cloud had formed over our heads. we kissed for the first time under a lampost on the corner of city streets. we fell into each other in an unrehearsed scene, with everything contributing to the moment. the light from above, the cars and people passing on the street, the taste of virgin lips, the body i knew was my match.
time passed by and our connected existence grew dim under a cloud of human emotion. things were said, things left unsaid, and the gem we created in love that night slowly buried under dirt and dead roots. by the time he walked away from me, touching my knee in a last stitch effort of something, it was so dirty i could barely remember what lay at the bottom.
"it made me fuckin sick is what it did."
anyway, that weekend washed it all away. i took him apart and found what i was looking for, and with his last breath he agreed.
his heart warmed my hand in passing, but i had to fling it into the ocean with the rest of them. the only thing i kept from there was the tip of his left arm. what should have completed an otherwise perfect form, it slowly lost its color and shriveled up.

thats whats in the bottle.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-05-04T04:19:00

2004-05-04T11:00:34Z

i hear voices in my head. no, they dont just tell me to do things, but they do argue. and sometimes they make a pretty convincing argument, yes, in that direction. theyll argue about anything. it happens often when im presented witha choice, or split path, where either and all ways are correct but one still has to be picked. then theyll bicker about it. most of the time i dont care which way we go. but each one has its preferences, and sometimes theyll care. one will want this way, the other that, depending on how well it suites them. so they fight and try to convince each other why the other should take one for the team, or why benefit is greatest in the direction of the arguer. imagine a tree. at first, theres a few large branches and many spitting off from each of those. imagine the orginal decision involves choosing a large branch. theyre bascially equivalent, but unique in specific ways. this is the shit they bicker over. anyway, from those large branches come smaller and smaller ones. think of these are offshoots of the original, typically unimportant decision. but the differences in each branch is exaggerated in the second, third, fourth generation. with each new twig, an aspect of that choice is mutated and amplified. each leaf is a very specific and complicated scenario, derived from mulling over and over the minisucle details of whatever we were agruing about. which, if you can remember, was really not that important.

example. what do you want to do tonight? quiet night at home, out with a few friends, find a party? whichever way you go, its friday, time for relaxing extra curricular activity. i dont know. lets just go home, im tired and dont feel like going out. you never feel like going out, thats just an excuse because youre lame. wed have to call everyone anyway, so lets go home first. i dont want to call anyone. oh shut up you always say that. hopefully this sounds familiar. you may have experianced it one or two times or every weekend.

say you go home. noones there, theve all gone out to a baseball game or friend-of-the-family type function. theres no outside party to talk to and im left to my own excursions. fine, you want to stay home? well im not going to sit ehre all night with no excitement. lets have a drink? i dont like alcohol. fucking... lets go get some cigarettes. no, i dont want to. ill end up smoking the whole things, and, i dont want them around. anyway they make me feel nauseous. well im not sitting around doing movies or books without something. lets do the free adrenile rush and cut the left wrist. theyll see it when they come home. oh theyll see nothing. noone pays attention to that anyway, and its going to be cold this weekend. long sleeves. lets go. ive got the knife jac gave me right here. do it for me. i need to feel something. lets go hunt a rabbit. you can find one, theyre all over the place. lets go outside and grab one up, and gut it and eat the insides. dogs do it all the time. i want to see what it looks like. i want to see how the skin parts and what the inside feels like fresh. we'll put on some old clothes and go up the hill and get real dirty. we'll get bit by a snake and lay there till morning, helpless and hurting like ive never felt before. we'll eat old stalks of wheat and snow. ugh, thats ridiculous. fine, gimmie the knife.

say you stop on the side of the road, not wanting to go home and start a fight about probably that. the cars pulled over at the entrance to a closed dirt road. the streets are slightly busier than usual but still quiet with only the occasional passing. the coors brewery is lit by strings of yellow light and a full moon, silhouetting south table mountain behind it. ok now what do we do. ya, its lovely. are we gunna go anywhere tonight? lets go back there and walk around the brewery. and get caught tresspassing and get yelled at by a coors cop? ya sounds great. lets go to someones house. im bored. lets get drunk. no really, thats too much effort. whats up here? lets go check out those old railroad cars. maybe well find someone sleeping inside. maybe hell try to rape us and i can cut off his balls, and gauge out his eyes and stick his balls in the sockets. ya thats right, fuck you. now whos getting fucked, asshole? ugh, lets just go home. ill call someone and we can go out, ok? perhaps this still sounds familiar to you.

another situation. say youre over someones house, a suitor or interested party of the opposite sex. on the couch or bed and in that anticipatory moment of whats going to happen? the movie credits are rolling. its pretty late. time or go home? go downstairs? either way its late and something has to happen. i want to leave, this doesnt feel right. when does it ever? and how would you know? im not sure, but. i dont know, i dont feel good. im nauseous. oh shut up, you always say that. youre just trying to get out of it again. you always do this, you pussy, and its why we always fuck these things up. well, maybe if i try to calm down its going to work itself out. nope, still feeling pretty bad. of course you are. we all are. and thats what you want, spineless. even if it feels bad, we must keep moving. just act like whatever it is people do here. dont know what to do. cant. kinda dizzy actually, cant find oreientation. wake up! youre blocking yourself out. this is a simple choice, and youre avoiding the issue by making a big fucking deal of it. i dont know where i am. what was that noise? theres someone behind me. someone next to me. thats the kid, dumbass. remember? we were just watching a movie with him. no, i dont remember. i cant remember anything. where am i? whats going on? i want to go home. you dont even like your home. pull yourself together. if i can remember this shit, then you can. no, im not here. i cant move, i dont know. no, i dont know. and my body falls off the bed, hits the floor and bawls incoherently in a fetal position. you fuck. i hate it when you do this! do you like it?! is this what you wanted, huh? you want me to scream at you? you want to be scared? you want pain! huh! go ahead, feel it now and take this! you deserve it! you like it! its feels like nothing else, because im feeling it with only the sixth sense. a feeling of terror and pain, but only in the feelings department. i cry for real pain, i beg for some physically malady to pull me away from my own brain repremanding me for something i dont know. it hurts. its hurts like a mother screaming at a child who doesnt know peeing in his pants is wrong. also, i cant get away. i lay cruled up, cluching whatever i can find as hard as i can taking it, deserving it (i guess) and waiting for it to be over. it takes about five minutes. after the fact, my mind feels clearer than in any other state, like all the toxins have just been flushed out. im uplifted to bliss and everything i do is animated to be perfect. im naturally and gracefully poltie, considerate to every object around me and being granted the same courtesy back. everything is fine. someone is looking at me from above, puzzled and upset. now do you know what im talking about?

it doesnt happen too often, and im pretty sure i have control over it. not control to make it stop, totally, and definately not control after body hits the floor. but i feel it come on often, over little this-and-thats. its like tiny zaps in my brain, like someone has sprinkled glitter up there and its floating around. in this stage, i have a choice, for myself. do i have time for this shit? i like it, letting it go all the way, occasionally. its like an enema for my head, although painful, very cleansing and effective. but usually im at work, or in a grocery store, or driving, and i know the answer is no. hold it in and wait until were somewhere safe. i cant let it out all the time. this is the contribution from the concious mind. a rational decision to keep on trucking, uncomfortable as it may be, or to pull over and let someone else take the wheel for a while.

so, as an exercise, i signed up for double shift tomorrow. working 3pm till 7am.

dreams

2004-05-04T08:16:09Z

before that one, i dreamt the rocky mountain metal corporation stood on my home lot in allston. i brought moss in to show him the magnificence of modern machinery. he seemed unenthused, and we went to sit on a bench in teh parking lot outside. after a while, we went back in to find all the presses moved out and the floor painted white. curt was in the far corner taking the belt off the last conversion press. piece were piled in teh corner up against the wall, like high school gym benches all folded up. i was bummed. i looked over and said "Well, at least you got to see it once." but it wasnt moss, it was kao who had followed me back in. but same thing. he gave the whatever look and left.
i stuck around socializing with coworkers. i went up to the most attractive girl there. "hey so, you know we're the most attractive people here, right? you wanna get together?" we went into the closet to talk. we sat on cardboard boxes under dirty wodden shelves. "ya, we might as well. im not dating anyone." we agreed to be a couple, hugged without passion and i left.

athf

2004-05-03T07:03:55Z

"i cant read, im not a loser!"

later tonight, i will have a dream where i try to get meatwad to eat a hamburger. being a meatball himself, he will refuse. ill wave it menacingly in front of his face, talking in shake-like manner, "hey! do you know what this is? this is animal protien. this is what keeps you alive. eat it!" meatwad, childishly holding his ground (get it?!), "no. im not gunna eat the meat." "youll eat it and youll like it!"

something something, that show is good.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-05-02T23:35:00

2004-05-03T05:17:04Z

quickly, sunday, the fourth week of easter. that plague and pestilence find their way quickly across the earth, and clean it of human overgrowth, and begin the world anew, we pray to the lord.

lord, hear our prayer.

if i loved you, i'd say so

2004-05-02T08:55:34Z

well now. i remember walking on the hills and feeling my eyes fill with golden wheat. i was transported into a video game i had never before played. i marched up in the snow and viewed two dirt paths crossing between the rolling hills. the colors went like brown, pale yellow, white and light blue. the wind went in circles around the slope, carrying some bird with stripes and a nice attitude.
i remember driving along the flat irons and being engulfed into the scene. the blade-like mountains shot up to my left as a warning gate to what lies west. they kept the mountains a secret, but decorated the doors with giant slates and evergreen trees to give a hint. cows grazed in front as if they knew what was going on back there, but didnt particularly care or want in on it. to my right, some sort of factory. lights shaped the stairs leading up a silo, and a chute falling downward into a wharehouse to the side. land that streched for miles, unkept grass behind a short fence of wire. and past that, the last city of the plains twinkled in a grid that vanished quickly with my perspective. i rememeber feeling like i was on a map of the united states, right there on the border before the vertical spelling of ROCKY MTS.
what else? a fancy restaraunt with food that looks as good as it tastes. complicated smells and varying textures floating in broth. dim lights softening the background clamour. my brain was setting up a lecture on trancendental numbers, organizing the required background information into chapters and finding the best way to explain them to the stout factory worker sitting across from me. anticipating what will be eaten and said.

i laid my eggs in the harbor and the children crawled away. my face is falling off and my body moving piecewise closer to the center of the earth. my teeth are gone and this porcelin doesnt catch the texture right. my brilliant portraits have turned to water colors, darkened and faded and toned down. my brain no longer cares to follow logic to the end, stopping in the middle to take a rest and then fogetting where he is. everything is slowed to a crawl. excitement is watching the tide come in. appreciation is smelling things dying on the shore.

at the peak of existence, the body can only take in so much. we try to save it, in pictures and stories and on dvds, but eventually even these things become useless when our senses fail. im always trying to save something, only to lose it later. when the end comes, what will you grab to take with you? you cant bring anything, even your own identity.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-04-28T23:54:00

2004-04-29T06:19:41Z

most diabolical...a plan to eliminate the moon! nuclear weapons pointed at her orbit, circling day and night nestled in iron pods in the middle of a frozen desert. and so they wait patiently in their beds, ready to take flight. they know not cause or effect. only the time it takes to get there and the correct path for intesection with the moon.
"Listen people, the moon is not made of cheese. Its solid rock, bad news in exploding form. Large fragments of this thing will undoubtably be flying our way in the most unpredictable of fashions. Those not killed will be left with skies of dust and seas of stagnant water."
eating strawberries and yogurt in despair, picking at teeth with pinky nail.
"I can sense the slightest change in my bite, with just a fucking berry seed. How do you think we will feel when the tides stop?!"
fist shakes table

it feels pretty fucking wierd, thats how it feels. my orientations all off, not to mention menstrual cycle. apparently your sense of balance is determined by your sight, neck, and some liquid in your ears. apparently liquid is affected by the moon's graviational pull.
i looked up at the thing so many times, so many nights. marvelling at its intense beauty in white light, its graceful slide across the sky. i even spent an hour one night just watching it move. i held her up against a pole in my line of sight and saw her drift farther away. unless it was my head, i swear i saw it move.
i used to work in the museum of science in boston. they had a tiny bit of moon rock in there in a glass case with a placard on the wall next to it. now i spit on the fucking things left and right, wakling past puddles of grey mud with the occasional fire in the background. ya, whats up with that? random fucking fires just like in those natural disaster movies that all came out in the same summer.
theres goo in the puddles. like, thick grey and white stuff that reminds me of how the sink used to get in my house during the Dish Wars. noone would do the dishes for weeks, until the mold clogged up the sink and the flies laid eggs in it. the memory makes it even less appetizing. but its everyone for themselves now, and ive seen people stick their hands in that shit.
its colder than usual. whoda guessed moon dust would block out the sun. i always knew they were enemies, never showing up in the sky at the same time. well, sometimes they would but they didnt look too happy about it. the sun would always block her out against the skies. the moon would come out at night, shining in all her glory like a big middle finger aimed right at the sun. some days the sun would sink behind the clouds and look like the moon. it always got me too, i thought the sun was trying to kill me.
anyway, those two could have gone on like that forever. but now it seems the moons got the upper hand, at least for the next few decades. they probably dont care, being as old as celesticals beings be, its probably all water under the bridge to them.
im dizzy, and blinded, and starving to death. i trip over rubble into puddles of mud. a radio on the street flickers its backlight and transmits nothing of interest. sounds like a drunk oscillator, which is basically what things have boiled down to around here. no giant gravity ball orbiting us monthly, pushing and pulling order unto the earth through all that is liquid. nausea and confusion. groaning in the gutter. needs sleep.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-04-27T00:04:00

2004-04-27T06:07:55Z

thirsty thirsty thirsty for some looooove (water). the factory takes all kinds. today, don. grey haired man with a mustache, most closely related to the family of small, furry mammals (prairie dog). was doing fine in the tech business and decided to take a vacation a few years back. came to find the bubble burst and his bachelor-degree-lacking skill set obselte. and so, to the factory! travis and his father work there. zack and his father in law. brothers and cousins and high school best friends lining up outside to get a foot in the door. i always come home hungry.

i wanted to take a progression strip out of the aluminum dumpster today. zack said its stealing, so no. hide it under something. but i couldnt, steal. but i really wanted it! and it upset me the rest of the night. i want it i want it i want it! man, always wants something, and the urges wiegh him down on his journey through life. all that baggage makes you hungry. me, im thirsty.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-04-25T13:52:00

2004-04-25T19:38:12Z

and mary ran back to the disciples and told them, the Lord is risen from the grave. the disciples did not believe her, as she was a woman, and spake "ya, id like to see that." and so it was. jesus came unto them and rejoiced "hey, whad i miss?" and the disciples clamored "what the fuck? did you get nailed to a cross, ripped down, and dumped in a cave?" and jesus replied "totally." there was much rejoicing.

third week of ressurection. "if you love me, feed my sheep".

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-04-22T12:56:00

2004-04-22T18:36:51Z

04-22-04 12:36pm
i dreamed last night that i was with richard. we were doing something with people, i think paintballing but it wasnt important. i ran into him during the foray, for the first time since he had been here. the feeling is hard to describe. like diving into a pool of light maybe is what i felt when i first stood next to him. he had two hands then, and i asked him how he was getting along with the new one. have you gotten the hang of it? where did you get it? how do you like it? man i was happy. then we sat together on a couch for a while. dont remmeber if there was talking, but that feeling was there and i was just happy to be alive and with him. at some point we kiss. i felt his lips against mine and it was like no other. our mouths fit perfectly and if my body was a puzzle, i had just found the missing piece. we lay down and slept together in some bed, some where, it didnt matter. just so friggin happy to see the kid.

later in the dream im in math class, but the classroom is the hills of golden. chairs and desks are lined up in a golden field in row just like a room, and the chalk board floats in mid air. i think kon is trying to teach me something. i walk away to find the bathroom, which is a portapotty somewhere at the end of the field, down a hill. when i get out, prof. kon is there, waving a fyler in my face about some new course hell be teaching about [four word title, sounds complicated]. i ask him if i can take the flyer and read it over, ill think about it. he says no, its the original, hell make me a copy. he leaves and as we had been wandering in some direction away from the bathroom, i find myself now lost in the field. i try to look back and find the portapotty, or the cluster of desks, or both, but im lost and i sigh. this happens quite a bit. i see a few grad students passing by and i run over to them. "hey, do you know where [my class] is being held?" "oh, isnt that kons? hes off getting married now on his lunch break" they point to a procession in the distance. maybe 10 people, dressed up in a half assed attempt to look rennesiancey, one of them carries an old flag (rectangluar, more tall than wide) with ruffles falling off in the wind. kon is walking next to some fat chick. i walk with the students, who merge into the procession, and we parade the dirt trail down the hill.

its rainy season here now. if there is such a thing. i havent been back to those hills in a while, but im guessing theve lost their titular shade of golden. a shame, i wanted to photograph them. went up there so many times thinking ill come back with a camara, next time. and now the season has ended in a fantastic illustration of the impermance of life.

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-04-18T13:04:00

2004-04-18T18:49:00Z

praise be to god on this, the second week of the holy resurrection. have mercy on us in all that we do, and let our faith in your love deliver us from the temptations of the world.

jonis car got stolen last night.

i pray for her, for friends i have lost contact with and for myself.

Dang!

_bloody_dicks_ @ 2004-03-23T01:44:00

2004-03-23T08:28:00Z

walmart. this is america now, enclosed in a steel wharehouse with painted supports and off-age working people in blue smock. no walls. departments seep into each other. childrens clothing, sheets and bedding, housewares, groceries, health and beauty aids, optics. electronics, bicycles, fake plants and a back wall lined with shovels and new green hose. the smell of cheap fried meat and cotton candy. checkout lines running across the perimeter like so many turnstyles at disneyland. this is america now.

that old bookstore on harvard ave, diskovery. that black cat in the window, lying on a pile of vinyls and used bestsellers. green eyes in the sun. it stops me when i walk by like an adorable magnet. ive stood with it. i sat with it, outside on an inverted milk crate, waiting for a friend. i spoke to it, and thought it spoke back through the glass. inside, its shelves and piles of books. tossed into catagories, no real organization and waiting to be leafed through for something of interest. some little bargain for a book your grandad probably has in his attic. but its cool because you bought it there.

shrink wrapped. lined in alphabetical order, and so cheap you become convinced you need a copy of, johnny mnemonic on dvd. the davinci code in hardcover. aerosmith's greatest hits. youve got a list and keep a running tab in your head on how much youre saving, and what you can afford to tack on. you stare up at the signs, hanging down amid tracks of flourescent lighting, walking blindly through sections, catching your eye on endcap displays, losing yourself in the moment of the bargain.

losing yourself in the dusty past, while a cat circles your feet.

either way, youre losing time. i came back from break at 6:40. zack had been talking about his favorite subject. Adventures of Zack. jeanie asked him something, i dont remember what it was, but i know it wasnt "zack, what is your life's story?". ate my dessert, apple and yogurt. ate my dinner, white rice and stir fry vegetables. is there anything more consistantly delicious than plain white rice? every time i make some, i cant resist grabbing fingerfulls before or after the meal. but i digress. i came back at 6:40 with my mind swimming in reminiscant self pity. im going to get my phd, so i can show my poor, uneducated parents what their little girl did. look mommy, ill cry, as i search the streets of south boston for a frail, disheveled asian crack whore. look what i did, i did it for you. ill place the framed degree next to her tombstone when i find out she hadnt made it through the long night. raining darkness, delusion, self gandure, running out of money, finally used a needle. no values left.

i look down at my watch and it was 7:10. damn, heh. almost time for break again. i snapped back into reality. the feel of crisp brown paper folding. the weight of a an aluminum stick, flung up and plopping onto the stack. satisfying. and i thought, "entertainment makes the time go by". in whatever form you take it. makes life fly by like that, until you check the time and feel the relief of another break near. and i thought, "life is longer without entertainment". a long, healthy life, watching the present drip through your senses like sugarwater down an iv. take it in. just a little at a time, and moderately enjoyable. so i try that for a while. watch the lids run down the line, air-powered tooling leading it into the bag. lift, fold, swing, stack. i look down at my watch and it was 7:15. damn, heh. works a little too well. so i let another song in, and its that "momma i just killed a man" tune that every thought was so good in high school. only verse i remembered over and over, and matt came back to relieve me.

"gutta go!"