I read your Livejournal today and it kind of hurt my ~ heart ~
because it made me realize even more how much I miss you and how I miss
relating to people on the level that you and I related to each other.


I'm tired of whining about how we don't talk anymore.
Its like honestly, who cares, you don't.
but I always have a hard time getting over when my friendships or relationships go ka-plewy. haha. ka-plewy. I always wanted to use that word in a sentence. destiny fufilled

Anyways so I'm on this medication because I have a UTI and I need to drink more liquids
and I pee constantly and the pee has a wacky popcorn smell and I smelt it when I was peeing and it amused me for about 30 seconds. because I felt like I was in a movie theater.
only in the bathroom....

ok so I'm going blond only I have this ridiculous fear that all of my hair is going to fall out when I do it but I'm so sick of my current hair. ITS FUCKING GREY. grey because the black and blue faded and it looks like I'm wearing an old lady wig.

such as life.


On the bright side I entered this stupid contest on the internet out of stupid stupidity and I won over $250 worth of make up and a gift basket and a very expensive shampoo imported from china to help really badly treated hair so its giving me confidence enough to dye my hair blond again.

do people still use this thing

trust absolutely NO ONE.

yeahhh
everyone knew this was bound to happen, but its over.
How do I feel right now?
I don't really know to be honest.
In a way it is a big relief, I can get off the big roller coaster ride
I once called a "relationship".

I mean the other times we broke up, I didn't like.. take it seriously because..
I knew he would come back.

I don't have that feeling this time.

I knew deep inside that he didn't feel the way he did about me.
I just stayed because I was so attached, thats what it was a deep emotional attachment
that I didn't know how to let go.

Any relationship I've been in has been like a weird sexual attachment
or a weird emotional attachment and I often wonder
if I will ever find a relationship that provides both.

Right now I am just going to try to keep myself busy so I don't dwell
on it too much because that can honestly just drive anyone insane.

Hopefully I can just let this motivate me to go for things that I let the relationship
hold me back with.

But man. I am sure going to fucking miss him.
He made me so .. complete. so.. happy.
But it wasn't meant to be.


its just FUCKING HARD because i feel so empty
and i didnt really care what was going on as long as I had shane
but I don't now.


I just gotta' tell myself..
dood there are 6 billion people in this world I can't be dwelling over just 1
but its hard because this 1 was so incredibly special to me.

oh well. we'll see what happens in time.

no more magical thinking.

I don't know who to trust anymore.

Over thanksgiving me and my family had this huge discussion over Lil' scrappy's - money in the bank.

Half of us thought he said;

"Got money in da bank, shawty whatchu thank?"

The opposing half (my dumb sister and cousin Carlotta)
said it was "Got money in da bank, shawty watchu drank?"

I was like, "nah dood, its shawty watchu think, because its like..
yo ma' I got money what do you think about that?"

my cousin was like - "nah dood, its like.. yo girl, I got money, but I don't
give a fuck what you think, I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU DRINK SO YOU CAN GET WASTED
AND I CAN FUCK YOU."

I was flustered because personally I thought shawty whatchu thank was way cooler.

So we decided to end the dispute by googling the lyrics and....
....

...

..

.
They were right. :(

I understand now, I understand everythng now, someday it will be so clear
and today is that day.

I was proven wrong.

D:

I liked mostly every song on Vh1's top 40 terrible love songs.

why does growing up and getting your shit together seem so natural
and easy for everyone else but the hardest thing in the world for me?

I like her eyeshadow.