Trembling Dutifully

til then, its training and meal counts and tomato allergies.

2008-06-24T04:31:32Z

got to maine. got a trailer. got promoted. got overwhelmed. got a lover. got manipulative. getting an assistant. will deal with everything when she gets here.

_beryl_ @ 2008-06-15T11:01:00

2008-06-15T15:05:57Z

its been one year. will the next one be so stressful too? maybe i'll get better at not wanting a father with practice.

cousins

2008-05-20T04:59:44Z

_beryl_ @ 2008-05-16T01:31:00

2008-05-16T05:35:42Z

salmonella, sputtering, and explosions.

2008-05-02T22:20:26Z

everything i keep buying dante to keep him comfortable and healthy keeps breaking. usually in ways that are either unexplained or not really even my fault or understandable. i'm on my second round of buying him all sort of light bulbs, plus the heater and filter and fixtures and the vet bills and whatever. i really can't afford this. money i've been scraping together since fall is just disappearing, and yet i feel like i need him. i don't know what to do.

_beryl_ @ 2008-04-29T23:14:00

2008-04-30T03:18:26Z

Bent Bender 999 (11:13:17 PM): heather, i have our futures planned out for us, dont worry about a thing but im getting married first and this girl is cute and you should go for it, but you cant get married yet
Bent Bender 999 (11:13:36 PM): there is so many things we havnt done yet. you would essentially be dying. just dont do it.

_beryl_ @ 2008-04-19T13:08:00

2008-04-19T17:14:34Z

i just got my rejection letter from hampshire. i don't know how i feel yet. i'll probably find out just in time to go to work, which is good, because i'm working with lydia today. i think the best company in face of academic rejection is probably an autodidact.

so now i guess the big question is, what if umass rejects me too?

_beryl_ @ 2008-04-17T23:07:00

2008-04-18T03:10:57Z

this made about a gallon of sense to me, and so i felt like i had to share.

_beryl_ @ 2008-04-14T23:55:00

2008-04-15T03:59:58Z

i met a lot of representatives today. they have decent hand shakes.

also, i hate applications to much to ever be one. i can't wait to be a minister instead.
i just want to be in love all the time. why isn't there a line for that?

summer plans:

2008-04-11T22:03:36Z

tolerance fatigue, i actually adore water chesnuts but in the name of metaphor, and keeping it real

2008-03-31T05:05:33Z

so my housemate introduced me to this guy, and i was going to try and pick one of his videos to share, but i just can't pick. when ever he talks about the election i feel like "oh you too?!" its a wonderful feeling that the internet sometimes provides me, for which i am very grateful to technology. so check this guy's site out maybe, and lets talk about what he brings up?
http://www.illdoctrine.com/

hot

2008-03-27T04:41:45Z

why don't cars look like this anymore? why change a good thing?
http://worcester.craigslist.org/car/619693597.html

_beryl_ @ 2008-03-23T01:44:00

2008-03-23T05:48:16Z

dante, my turtle, just jumped ship out of his little tank while i was cleaning his big tank down stairs and hid out for an hour. we couldn't find him. i finally dug him out covered in cat hair from under my sister's bed after tearing her room apart. he must have fallen off of her bureau after wiggling out of the tank. can you say, freaking out?

_beryl_ @ 2008-03-12T01:18:00

2008-03-12T05:20:46Z

the answer.

(i do this to much.)

_beryl_ @ 2008-03-06T01:24:00

2008-03-06T06:28:08Z

maybe the reason that so many people who take a semester off don't go back is cuz applying sucks.

dear hampshire,
thanks for the week extention and all, but can't we just skip the pretense and go straight to the interview? i promise to try to make you laugh. i promise to try and glow.
love,
h

in other words, we had a domestic dispute. i won.

2008-03-04T09:21:22Z

dear tony,

in the interest of clarity, just because you're funding my college education doesn't give you license to interfere with my sister or i. the deal has always been very clear; you stay quiet and support our chosen life paths and you get to fuck my mom and i put my dishes away.

sincerely,
h

life goal/childhood dream

2008-02-25T06:15:53Z

i want this!

pretty much as much as i can ever want a thing. or one similarly amazing. to live in. forever.

for my sister

2008-02-24T22:41:33Z

dear m,

now that you are no longer a child i forget sometimes that you are not yet an adult. i am terrified past the point of being afraid that when you are one you will be so much your own person that someday we will really fight and you will hold me to it, hold all my wrongs against me and find me not worth... something. through my terror i come out the other side into trust because i have no other option but blinding fear.
lets never grow so old that i can't crawl into your bed next to you and leach off your body heat as though you were simply another part of myself; being greedy and loving in such equal measure that they are the same. can we please never grow so much that there will ever been a time in my life where i don't want to freeze the way we are, because i am absolutely sure i need it?

most sincerely,
love,
h

lovely

2008-02-17T22:50:08Z

today in the car on the way home from amherst i had an idea that i thought was pretty lovely. i think when i have the cash to cover supplies, i want to open a shop in this online marketplace i know and sell finger painted fair trade clothes and do alterations and stuff. i could mark everything at almost no actual profit, and it would be really fun to have a reason to paint and make things all the time.

today was supposed to be a good day

2008-02-13T00:13:18Z

so if you've ever been involved with yruu, or maybe felt like it was somehow very importantly connected to your heartbeat, watch this video: http://uulogy.blogspot.com/
i'm still processing, so i'm not really sure what to say; like i guess i saw this coming but still, i'm so so sad. yruu saved me, it really gave me that first chance. it gave me hope for other people like me back in '05, who are looking for something that they don't know how to find on their own, and don't have connections or paths to the life they want on their own. people who don't know their own strength, beauty, or inherent worth.

what does this mean?

_beryl_ @ 2008-02-04T16:18:00

2008-02-04T21:20:48Z

tomorrows primary: i'm still not completely decided, sway me?

_beryl_ @ 2008-01-22T18:04:00

2008-01-22T23:07:01Z

heath ledger, wtf?

stupid.

2008-01-12T22:16:52Z

i aim to high. i try to hard to make things perfect. mom was right the whole time. i should just keep my head down. i should have just gone to umass. i never should have come home.

"just take care of yourself until you're 40, then worry about other people."

2008-01-09T21:53:39Z

my grandparents just tried to bribe me with a free car to not go to new orleans again. and get a job. and stay in school. but it really came down to nola, cuz i'm already doing the last two and it has nothing to do with them. like, my grandma had a list of demands. literally. on a little notepad she pulled out of her pocket. and i was like, "bitch please!" except not , cuz its my grandma. although i did throw up a little in my mouth. dear god.

awkward turtle

2008-01-07T05:25:28Z

so me and ben picked up the turtle today. i had no idea what i was getting into when i responded to that email post. its been an absolutely ridiculous last 5 or so hours, frantically rushing around with water trying to level out its temperature, and then reading about it. and half boiling my hands so i don't get salmonella. apparently slider turtles can live for 40 to 60 years. the also can get about a foot big. they also eat living things, like minnows. i had no idea. now i have a reason to make 80.