Beneath my skin

Chapter 11

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:46:36 GMT

Keira

The day of my first Hanson concert was the best I’d ever had. Even though the balcony where we sat didn’t offer much interaction with the band, the energy in the room was intense enough to dance on. For the first time since my thirteenth birthday, I felt what it was supposed to be like to be young. I was carefree and able to give myself over, heart and soul, to the music, the energy and the adrenaline rush that I have since discovered only live music can cause. I had completely forgotten about my life, until I heard the unfortunately all too familiar piano chords of the intro to “With you in your dreams”. I should have expected it, I know I should, but I still wasn’t prepared. I don’t think I can ever be prepared to hear that song. I felt as though the air was knocked out of me as all the weight of reality crashed down upon my shoulders. I stumbled down onto my seat, and my back refused to support my body so I melted into the back of the seat and just sat there. I don’t remember what I was thinking or looking at, only the sound of my pounding heart and the motion of my chest rising and falling with every breath. Eventually, Evelyn noticed that something was wrong. She later told me that my eyes had looked dead, hovering over a spot in thin air somewhere above the crowd on the floor below.

“Keira?” Evelyn petted my arm. I didn’t even notice.

She tried again, a little louder. “Keira? Sweetie? Are you okay?”

She put a hand on my cheek and turned my face towards her. Her concerned eyes staring at me was what brought my focus back, and soundless tears spilled over, creating rivers down my cheeks.

“I can’t do this”, I whispered.

Evelyn leaned in closer. “I can’t hear you sweetie.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”

My eyes turned towards the stage and the boys whose song was the only thing I hadn’t learned to block out. The only thing strong enough to break through my walls and leave me feeling drained and vulnerable. The only thing that indicated that maybe I really wasn’t okay, after all.

Evelyn followed my gaze, trying to find the source of my behaviour. Her eyes focused on Taylor, letting a few lines of his words sink in. Her eyes then widened as she remembered the only conversation we’d had about this song.

***

We had been at my place, not long after the day she told me we were going to see a Hanson show. We had been having a great time, dancing around my kitchen baking cookies. It must have looked like one of those really cheesy scenes in a chick flick, but I was happy. A little too distracted to notice “Madeline” come to an end on the stereo. What happened then was quite similar to the scene at the concert. I heard the infamous intro, froze, just standing there, frosting in hand, just about to sprits it on the cookies. To make what could be quite a long story short; Evelyn had to lead me to bed before I could tell her about the connection between the song and the day my mother left. I told her that I never wished to hear the song again and that I always skip over it on the CD. She said she understood, and we haven’t talked about it since.

***

“Come on, lets go”, Evelyn took my arm and helped me stand up. “Kim, we’re leaving.”

Kim, who stood at the edge of the balcony, turned to her mother.

“But mom!”

“I’m sorry honey, but we have to go.”

Kim searched both our faces for an explanation. I felt my cheeks turn pink from embarrassment. She saw the traces of my newly shed tears and gave a sad sigh.

“Alright, I guess we could go…”

With her head hung low, she walked off the balcony, Evelyn with me on her arm following behind. I threw a last look over my shoulder, whispering “I’m sorry” to Taylor, Isaac and Zac as they sang the last chorus and Taylor’s soulful “cause I’ll be with you in your dreams…” drew the song to a close.

Round II

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 23:13:17 GMT

Wow, this has been ages. But reading the story through, I realize I still have all the ideas I had for it in the first place, and I think I want to continue writing it. I don't know if anybody will still read it, but I have thought about this story every now and then over the last few years, and I want to give it a shot.

To be continued.

Chapter Ten

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 14:29:40 GMT

Taylor July 19th, 2005

After Ike had called me back inside I got assigned to several new tasks, so I didn't get to think more about Keira (but of course I didn't know that was her name at the time) until things slowed down and we were sitting down for dinner. Apparently I still smiled when I thought of her, cause Zac looked at me weirdly and said:

"What's up with the goofy grin, bro?"

I snapped back into reality.

"I'm not grinning!" I said in an attempt to defend myself, my sanity and dignity.

Zac rolled his eyes. "Whatever. What are you smiling about?"

"Uh, it's nothing really. I just, I saw this re-, uh, this cute cute girl earlier." I was about to say 'really cute', but I didn't want to give my brothers a reason to give me the 'ooooh, Taylor's in loooove!' crap I'd heard so many times before.

"Do tell, bro!" Isaac said with sudden interest in the conversation.

"Did you give her your number and ask her to meet you after the show?" Zac asked in a mocking voice.

I furrowed my brow and gave him a questioning look.

"No, dude, I didn't." I said. "I didn't even talk to her. And why would I do what you said?"

Zac shook his head and gave me a look of pity.

"You're turning into such a man-whore Taylor, and you don't even know it. All the attention has messed up your brain."

I was just about to deliver a speech of defense when Isaac spoke up again, stopping me mid-air.

"Wait, what? You didn't even talk to this girl?"

"No."

"What's wrong with you? Are you ill?" Ike asked in a shocked voice.

"She was in a car. They drove by just outside the back. She smiled and waved at me, and then they disappeared around the corner." I shrugged.

"That's it?" Ike again.

"Yeah."

"And you're still thinking about her?"

Was this a trick question?

"Uh, yeah."

Zac sighed and rolled his eyes yet again. "So what's special about this girl? Did she have gold tits or something?"

"Zac!" Ike said, apparently as shocked as I was.

"Well sor-ry", he said and left the table with his empty dinner plate. I had barely started mine.

"What's up with him?" I asked.

"I have no idea, but don't mind him, he'll get over it." Ike said as we both looked in the direction Zac had disappeared.

"Yeah, I guess."

"So, do you think she'll be going to the show?"

"Who?" I said, still thinking about Zac's 'dramatic' take off. I wonder if he's okay.

Isaac shot me a "duh" look.

"Oh, I don't know. She was with a little girl, I'm guessing her sister, and someone else, their mom or dad probably."

"Well, did she look like a Hanson type of girl?"

"I don't even know what those are supposed to look like!" I said with my brow furrowed.

"Oh come on! By now, yes you do!"

"I don't know, I guess she could be."

"She did wave at you, right? So she's very likely to at least know who you are."

"Yeah, and her sister definitely knew, she was staring at me and waved like a maniac."

Ike chuckled. "And mystery girl didn't?"

I smiled. "No she seemed calm. Shy, even."

"Good", he said and returned my smile. "You know, Zac had a point, well mannered or not so well mannered. What is special about this girl?"

I contemplated it for a while before shrugging.

"I don't know. It could be nothing, it could be something." I pushed my food around with my fork a bit before looking up at him and adding: "Maybe I will have forgotten all about her when I wake up tomorrow."

"Maybe", he agreed, nodding. "...or maybe not."

He gave me a look before standing up and heading off with his plate, leaving me alone at the table.

"Yeah... Maybe not..."

Ike was right. What was so special about this girl? And why did I think about her all the time? I mean for Pete's sake, I'd seen beautiful girls before, and I hadn't even really met her, I just waved at her in a car!

I took another few bites of my dinner before giving up and leaving the table, heading for wherever to do whatever.

I don't know what I'd expected, or if I'd expected anything at all, but she wasn't one of the meet and greeters, and I couldn't see her in the crowd. Maybe she wasn't a Hanson girl after all. Or maybe she just wasn't a Taylor Hanson girl.

Chapter Nine

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 13:00:09 GMT

Keira July 14th, 2005

On the day of the concert, my first thought when I opened my eyes was "Oh my God, today is the day". I was nervous, and I laughed at myself for being so. I glanced at the clock, the bright red digits said 8:17, so I laid back and tried to fall back asleep. Can't say I was very surprised when sleep refused to come to me. I decided to stay in bed anyway and just laid there thinking for a while. The more I thought about the concert, the more excited and anxious I got. I couldn't wait to see the guys play live, but at the same time I ran every possible and impossible thing I could think of that could go wrong over in my head. I managed to think things like: Evelyn's car would break down on the way so we'd have to walk and be late for dinner and then we'd have to be last in line, and then we'd realize we didn't have our tickets and not get in and miss the whole thing. Then I realized how ridiculous I was being and stopped picturing catastrophic scenario's before I drove myself insane. Instead I pictured myself with a nice, hot cup of tea (perhaps you have noticed by now that I'm not much of a coffee drinker?) and immediately got hungry, so I hopped out of bed to prepare some breakfast.

The hours between breakfast and when Evelyn came to pick me up was... a maze. I have no idea what I did during that time, but when the doorbell "woke me up" and I looked at myself in the hall mirror, I had somehow managed to put on a decent outfit, make up, and straighten out my otherwise slightly wavy hair. I was impressed!

When it rang the second time I opened the door and faced a smiling Evelyn.

"Very nice!", she said. "Did you straighten your hair?"

"Yeah", I said and pulled my fingers through the ends. "I just hope it doesn't rain cause then I'm toast and all my work (even though I couldn't remember any of it) will have been for nothing."

She chuckled and rested her right hand on the door frame.

"Not likely honey. Did you look at the sky today? There are hardly any clouds whatsoever."

I just smiled sheepishly at her, cause I was so nervous by then that I didn't trust myself to say anything comprehensible.

"Shall we? Kim's waiting in the car."

"Oh, yes." I grabbed my purse and jacket and we left the apartment.

"So is your daughter's name really Kim or is it Kimberly?" I asked as we walked over to the car.

"Actually it's Kimberlee. I decided to be a smart ass when we named her, to my husband's dismay." She shrugged casually, then smiled. "I guess I wanted to be a bit 'rebellious', remind me of my glory days."

Somehow I didn't have a hard time picturing her as a rebellious youngster in the late 70's - early 80's. I decided I had to ask her about it later.

"I like it. It gives a common name a bit of idividuality."

"Yeah, that's what I thought too", Evelyn said as we reached her black Volvo V70.

I was formally introduced to Kim, who seemed to be a very sweet and cute little girl, and I was a bit surprised to see she had left shotgun to me. We climbed into the car and headed to downtown Detroit to find a place to eat.

On the way to our diner of choice, Evelyn got the idea to drive past the venue to see if there was anything going on. At the front a group of girls were already in line for the show.

"I wonder how long they've been there", I said with a frown. "I hate waiting, I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel standing outside waiting for hours."

"It can be tough, but it's definitely worth it, at least when you're young", Evelyn said with a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

My eyes widened as I looked at her, slightly in awe.

"You've been queuing for hours outside of concerts?"

She laughed. "Well of course! I was a real rock chick! I have seen all the great rock bands of the 80's - some twice, or thrice even!"

I had to laugh too, and Evelyn steered the car to the back of the venue. Suddenly I was startled by a shriek from the backseat.

"Mommy! Look!"

"What?" She slowed the car down.

"There! Taylor!" Kim was practically jumping up and down, staring out the window and waving like a maniac.

When I turned my head to the window, there he was. Oh my God. I couldn't breathe, and I felt as if though my heart was going to jump out of my chest any minute. He was laughing, probably at the expression on Kim's face, and he was waving back at her. And he was beautiful, breathtakingly and heartstoppingly. Oh my God. And then he looked at me. Oh, my, God. He smiled, and I melted. I didn't care that I was being pathetic, even if I was well aware that I was. He waved, and my cheeks immediately flushed red. I carefully lift my hand and waved back, then the car rounded the corner, and he was out of sight.

I just sat there, staring straight ahead when I felt Evelyn's hand on my knee.

"Honey, are you alright?"

I couldn't get myself to answer her.

"Breathe, Keira". She smiled as she glanced at me.

I let out a short laugh, then I took a deep breath that resulted in an equally deep sigh.

"That's better". She paused, still smiling. "That cute, huh?"

I looked at her as a tiny smile crept upon my lips and grew steadily.

"Yeah."

Chapter Eight

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 12:26:35 GMT

Taylor, June 24th, 2005

When we arrived in Detroit in the middle of the night, I sat as if glued to the bus window, staring at the buildings. People were sleeping in their bunks all around me, I recognized Zac's light snoring and the very familiar sound of Ike rustling his sheets. I can't remember feeling tired at all, which is weird, since I'm usually exhausted while we're on tour. I had woken up sometime earlier, and after I had unsuccessfully tried to go back to sleep for a while, I decided to get up and see where we were.

I read some signs along the road, and when they told me we were getting close to Detroit, I sat down at the table by the window and waited.

Detroit is a beautiful city. I have always liked going there. This'll sound totally corny and you'll probably laugh at me, but I had always felt as if though the city was calling to me. This time I felt it more than ever. I almost laughed out loud when I felt my heart take to a quicker pace.

"Wow, you're pathetic Taylor", I said to myself and shook my head, smiling.

Why did I feel this weird connection with Detroit? I didn't know anybody there, and the only times I'd even been there were to do shows and promotional stuff.

I shrugged and tried to brush the feeling off, but as my eyes caressed the city, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, it had something special in store for me.

***

I woke up sometime later when Ike shook me gently.

"Dude, scoot over, I'm starving!"

"Huh?" I said sleepily and blinked a few times to let my eyes adjust to the light. Still not fully awake I moved to the side, and Isaac slid down beside me.

Zac and Jess, one of my sisters, sat on the opposite side of the table, smiling at me.

"Slept well?" Jess asked with a slightly raised eyebrow and a suspicious smirk on her face.

"Uh...Yeah, I guess." I pulled my hand through my long hair and tucked it behind my ears.

Our mom appeared and served us all breakfast. The sympathetic smile she had on her face when she looked at me made me feel the need to explain myself.

"I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and watch Detroit by night, and then I guess I fell asleep, again." I could feel my cheeks turn a hint of pink.

"It's okay Taylor", mom said, "but you really should sleep in your bed, or you might get back pains."

"Yeah, I know", I said and stretched, "but I think I'm alright".

"Then you were lucky this time", she said with a smile. "Now eat your breakfast, you've got a lot to do today."

"Thanks, mom", I said and turned my attention to the food before me.

"So, what are we doing today?" Zac asked and shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

"Well", Ike said, leaning back thinking, "I suppose we finish breakfast..."

"Duh", Zac rolled his eyes.

"...and then start rigging up the gear. Some interviews I guess, then sound check, meet and greet, and then we play."

"Where would lunch and dinner be according to that schedule?" Zac looked dead serious, but the rest of us had to smile at his never fading hunger.

"Zac do you ever think about anything other than food?" Jess asked, rising her eyebrow just as she had done at me earlier.

"I need to eat! I'm still growing!" He lift his hands in a defensive gesture.

"In width, not height", I mumbled and took a sip of my coffee.

Isaac and Jessica started laughing, but Zac gave me a death glare.

"Shut up", he said with a hint of hurt in his voice.

"Zac, I'm just kidding", I said apologetically.

"Yeah whatever", Zac said. "Compared to your bony features anybody's fat anyway."

Jess laughed harder.

"That's true, you know", Ike said with a huge grin and pointed at me with his spoon.

"Oh shut up", I said, but I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

***

Once breakfast was over we headed over to the venue to start setting things up. No fans were there yet, to our big relief, so we quickly got to work.

I was just coming off the bus with a load of cables when I saw a black car in the corner of my eye. It drove by slowly, and when I turned to look at it I noticed a very young girl with huge round eyes and an enormous grin waving at me frantically from the backseat. I laughed at her enthusiasm and waved back, then I saw the girl in the passenger's seat. She was my age, and she smiled shyly as she met my gaze. I raised my hand and waved at her. She waved back, and then the car disappeared around the corner.

A door opened and Isaac's head appeared.

"What ya doing out here? We need you inside".

"Oh nothing. I was just on my way inside." I was still looking in the direction the car had gone.

"Alright, come on", he said and pushed the door open for me.

I smiled for myself as I followed him inside.

I found her pretty the first time I saw her. Very pretty, in fact.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 15:13:15 GMT

Alright, Greece is over and done with. So is graduation parties, graduation, prom and all that, so I can finally get back to writing on the story. :) It has taken ages, and I'm terribly sorry about that. *is ashamed* I hope you have patience with me and keep reading my story!

Thanks//San

Thu, 26 May 2005 14:19:55 GMT

I'm going to Greece tonight and will be gone until net saturday, so unfortunatelly there won't be any updates just yet. :/ Sorry! I'll get right back to it afterwards! :)

Chapter Seven

Mon, 16 May 2005 23:55:17 GMT

Keira May 11th, 2005

One time Evelyn called me to ask what time I got off work. She said she had a surprise for me and that she was going to stop by later that evening. Of course I spent the rest of the day wondering about the surprise. I'm amazed that I managed to get through the rest of my work hours without incidents, cause my mind was definitely elsewhere.

When she finally came over I was so excited about the surprise that I couldn't help but immediately ask her about it.

She laughed. "Don't I even get a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, sure", I said with a smile and headed into the kitchen.

She followed me there and sat down at the table while I prepared the tea.

"Had a good day at school and work?"

"It was alright, I got an english assignment due next friday. After your phone call I'm surprised I got through work without spilling coffee and messing up orders."

She smiled. "That excited, huh?"

"Yes! I haven't gotten a surprise in ages!"

I brought our tea cups to the table and sat down.

"So I think you understand this better be a good one", I said with a smirk.

"Oh I have a feeling you'll appreciate this one, don't worry."

She smiled with her whole face. Her expression was just on the edge to being called a grin, but as my mom once said: "adults don't grin or smirk, we just smile", so Evelyn remained steadily on the smile side of the edge.

"Are you gonna tell me what it is or will you keep me hanging here forever?" I tried to look serious, but I was so curious that it didn't take long before I was smiling again.

"Actually, I have two surprises for you. One you can have now, but you can only have my word as a promise that you eventually will get the other."

My eyes widened. "No teasing! You're killing me!"

She laughed. "Alright, alright!"

She stood up and walked into the hallway. When she came back she had a bag in her hand.

"I saw this in the store the other day immediately had to get you one."

Her hand went down into the bag, and when she pulled it out again it was holding a CD. She held it out to me, and when she got close enough so that I was able to read on the cover, I squealed. I took it and just stared at it for a while. She had bought me a copy of the newly released "This time around".

"They look so much older!" I stated happily. "And so much hotter!"

Evelyn laughed.

"You haven't seen a picture of them in almost three years, I'd be surprised if they hadn't changed since then!"

There was that almost grinnish smile again.

"Thanks you so much! This is just, wow, thanks!"

"No problem at all."

I put the CD into the stereo and pressed "play", then I just sat back and listened as the sound of "You never know" filled the apartment.

"Wow, their voices got low", I paused to listen and feel the beat, "but I like it." I smiled again.

It seems smiling was all I did that day, and yet the best surprise was still to come.

"Will you be able to turn your attention to me long enough for me to tell you about the other surprise?"

I quickly turned the volume down.

"Of course! Shoot!" I had a ridiculous grin on my face.

"Yesterday I ordered tickets to a Hanson concert."

My jaw dropped. "What?"

She smiled at my expression.

"You, me and my daughter are seeing Hanson live in a little over three weeks."

I shrieked. Seriously, I did. Then I flew around the table and threw my arms around her neck and hugged her tightly. She laughed and hugged me back.

"OH MY GOD!!" I released my grip around her neck and did some exaggerated dancing to the tunes of "If only".

"I have never been to a concert before! This is gonna be so cool!"

"I'm glad you're excited", Evelyn said.

"These are the best gifts I have ever gotten. Thank you."

"You're welcome." She smiled again. "We'll be sitting on one of the balconies cause I don't want my daughter to get crushed."

"That's fine, I mean we'll probably see better from there anyway."

"There's a good chance of that, yes."

I cracked an enormous grin again.

"I still can't believe I'm gonna see Hanson!"

"Well, you've got three weeks to get used to it."

As they say, time flies when you're having fun, and soon the three weeks had passed.

Apology

Sun, 15 May 2005 20:20:58 GMT

I feel I need to make a formal apology, so here goes:

I'm sorry that I'm such an incredibly slow writer right now. I have only four weeks left until graduation and I have lots of stuff left to do in different classes. Everything's a bit hectic, but I try to write as much as I can, I promise!

I hope yall forgive me and hang on in there! Don't give up on my story, it's coming, I promise. lol

While I'm at it, thank you for all the nice comments I've gotten, I really appreciate it. :)

Sat, 14 May 2005 22:26:17 GMT

I figured since I took her name I might as well use her face as well, so people, meet Keira! *points to new icon* I'm pretty pleased with that icon actually. lol

Thu, 12 May 2005 05:29:19 GMT

Guys, in what american city should Keira live? One of the bigger ones. lol

Chapter Six

Wed, 11 May 2005 12:00:05 GMT

Taylor May 10th, 2005

Once "Mmmbop" hit the tracks, things got crazy. I don't think anyone had expected it to become such a huge success. We all hoped for it, of course, but when we kept getting phone call after phone call saying the song had hit the #1 spot in yet another country, we started pinching ourselves, checking if it wasn't all just another dream. But we didn't wake up. Instead we were thrown out into the world to promote our CD, "Middle of nowhere".

Everything happened so fast that now when I sit here looking back on it, it all seems like a blur. Endless amounts of movie clips running through my head. Clips of countries, cities, faces, crowds, interviews and gigs. Some clear, some vague, but they all equally amaze me.

Over the years I have noticed and been fascinated by the fact that some of all the faces actually stick in your memory. Sometimes when you meet a fan and they say "we met before, in (insert wherever here), remember?" you say "yeah, I remember you", and you actually do remember them! Stuff like that just blows me away. I wonder how it works when the brain chooses which faces to memorize and save in the back of your mind.

Keira was one of those faces. Someone I just couldn't seem to forget.

Anyway, after we released the album we went out on tour and got to play for the fans, for real, for the first time. Standing there on the stage with my brothers, hearing the fans sing our songs back to us, is the most exhilarating feeling. There is no way to describe it properly to someone who hasn't been there and felt it themselves. It is absolutely amazing to hear so many people sing the exact words you wrote, in the exact key you played. I am struck with awe, and I just, there simply is no way to describe it. You feel so happy and blessed to be who you are, where you are, right at that moment. I'd say it's the best kind of therapy.

Eventually things slowed down enough for us to be able to go back into the studio to start recording our second album, "This time around". People said it was a bad move of us to let the recording take as long as it did, but we wanted to let the songs mature and fall into place so that we would feel that we had made the best album we could possibly make.

"This time around" didn't sell nearly as much as "Middle of nowhere", but we were really happy with it, and we could tell the real hardcore fans were too.

The night before we were heading out on the TTA tour I didn't sleep much at all, which inevitably led to a very rough morning.

"Taylor, wake up! We have to finish packing!"

Ike's voice felt very distant.

"Taylor come on!" Ike again.

I grunted and pulled a pillow on top of my head to block the sound out.

"Get up! Now!"

He grabbed the pillow and tried to pull it off, but I defended it with both my hands until he gave up.

"Alright, if you don't get up right now, I'm calling for Zac."

I lifted the pillow just enough so that I was able to peek at him.

"You wouldn't dare", I said, hoping he wouldn't have it in him to put me through the torture that is Zac's waking techniques.

He lifted his eyebrow. "Really?"

"Dude please."

He took a deep breath then yelled: "ZAC!"

"Ike, dude! I'm on my way!" I said.

"ZAAAC!"

"I'm coming! I just need a minute!" I turned over.

Zac appeared in the doorway.

"What?" He said.

"Taylor here is in need of your waking assistance."

A huge grin spread across Zac's face.

"Really?"

"Ok! You win! I'm up!" I quickly sat up and threw my legs over the edge of the bed.

"Ah, too bad. Some other time then Zac", Ike said with a devilish grin.

Zac looked slightly disappointed that his services weren't needed after all.

I stood up and gave Ike an angry stare as I headed for the bathroom.

The rest of the morning was just a maze. After we finally finished all the packing and got everything and everyone on the buses, I immediately fell back asleep and slept all the way to the first city on the tour schedule.

Chapter Five

Sun, 08 May 2005 15:41:41 GMT

Keira May 7th, 2005

It took some time for me to get settled into my new apartment. Evelyn (the school shrink) was always there to help me, whether I need help carrying something or if I just needed someone to talk to. Even though she was 35 years old, old enough to be my mother, she was the best friend I had ever had. She came to see me after work at least once a week and I thoroughly enjoyed her company. She gave color and life to my empty walls.

One time she came to see me, we sat at my kitchen table drinking tea when she asked:

"Do you ever think about your mom?"

I took a sip of my tea before I answered.

"Yeah, I guess." I paused. "I think of her every time I listen to this CD. She gave it to me before she left."

Evelyn paused to listen to the music coming from my stereo.

"It's those Hanson boys, right?"

I nodded.

"Do you listen to them a lot?"

"Every day. The music makes me happy."

It was her time to nod.

"Do you have any of their other CD's?" She asked.

I shook my head. "I didn't know they'd released more than this."

"Oh, they have. They made two indie produced records before they got signed, and after this one they also made a christmas album. And they have a new album coming out this year."

I laughed. "How do you know all this?"

She smiled. "I have a 6 years old daughter who loves them", she paused,"but I must admit I do my share of dancing in the kitchen when I hear 'Mmmbop' as well."

I laughed harder, and she pretended to be upset.

"Old people likes music too you know!"

I smiled. "Shut up, you're not old."

She smiled back. "Thanks."

We sat in silence, drinking our tea and smiling at each other.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked after a while.

"That I like it when you visit me. You bring color to my walls." I smiled again.

She looked around at my empty, almost white walls.

"They are indeed a bit empty and colorless." She smiled. "Why don't you put up some pictures?"

I shrugged. "I don't have any pictures to put up."

"That we will simply have to take care of."

A few days later we went shopping for some things to put on my walls, and she insisted on buying them for me. I smiled and thanked her, but she shrugged it off with a "oh don't be silly, it's nothing" and seemed to enjoy our day on the town as much as I did.

Among other stuff she bought me a gorgeous poster of Hanson, and she even had it framed! I thanked her again, but again she just smiled and told me she didn't mind at all.

Evelyn ended up having dinner at my place as well, and we spent the evening decorating my walls and rearranging my furniture. We listened to "Mmmbop" over and over and danced around my living room/bedroom laughing our asses off.

She was definitely the coolest 35-year-old I'd ever met.

Chapter Four

Sat, 07 May 2005 11:49:53 GMT

Taylor May 6th, 2005

My worst childhood memory is of when my grandmother died. Sure she had been sick for some time, so maybe you would think we would've gotten used to the idea of her leaving us, but we never did.

We, the grandchildren, thought she would live forever. She was the first person close to us that died, and it was the first time we got to feel real sorrow. I remember one night when Ike, Zac and me had all crawled into bed, but none of us seemed able to sleep.

I lay wide awake in my bunk staring at the wall when I heard light sobbing coming from Zac's bed. I turned over, but I could hardly see anything through the darkness.

"Zac?" I whispered. "You awake?"

A few sobs, then a quiet "yeah".

"Are you okay?" I was still whispering, trying not to wake Ike.

More sobs. "I didn't...know it would...hurt this much."

I scooted closer to Zac's bed.

"Neither did I." My voice was barely more than a breath.

"Why did she...have to go?"

I heard him turn over to look at me, but all I could see of him was a tiny reflection in his eyes.

I pondered it for a while before answering.

"God wanted her to come home."

He had calmed down now, but a tiny sob escaped him before he spoke again.

"I wish He would've let her stay a bit longer."

"Yeah, me too..." I said as I felt my eyes water.

We lay quiet for a while, and as a tear found its way down my cheek, I wiped it off with the back of my hand.

"Tay?" Zac whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay. Night Tay."

"Night Zac", I said and turned back over.

I listened to him toss and turn for a while before I whispered:

"Zac? Do you wanna sleep in my bed tonight?"

I heard a tiny "yes", then I felt him crawl down into my bed, and I scoot over to make room for him beside me.

"Thanks, Tay." His voice faded away into the tiniest whisper. "I just really miss her..."

"I miss her too..." I said, and as I heard Zac starting to sob slightly again, I wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer to me. He gratefully accepted the embrace and nestled his head into my chest.

"We all miss her, guys", we suddenly heard from the top bunk.

"Ike? I didn't know you were awake", I said.

"Can't sleep", he said.

We heard movement from Ike's bunk, then he came climbing down the ladder and sat down on Zac's bed.

"You guys okay?" He asked.

Zac lifted his head off my chest and turned to face Ike.

"Yeah", Zac said.

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm okay, I guess", Ike said. "Zac if you're planning on sleeping in Taylor's bed tonight, is it okay if I use yours?"

"Sure."

"Thanks", he said as he lay down and pulled the covers over him. "I have this idea for a song..."

He told me and Zac about his idea, and when we finally fell asleep several hours later, "With you in your dreams" was as good as done.

Chapter Three

Fri, 06 May 2005 16:20:22 GMT

Keira May 2nd, 2005

Ever since my mother left I haven't been able to listen to "With you in your dreams" without crying, so I prefer not to listen to it at all. While the rest of the CD is what helped me through it all, the few times I accidentally heard the beginning of that song are what brought me down.

Every time that happened I threw myself on the remote to switch song, and cursed at myself for not remembering. Then I spent the next few hours crying on my bed.

My father never asked if I was okay. I really don't think he even cared. Or maybe he was glad that I was unhappy, cause that would make my mother unhappy as well. He and I barely spoke to each other at all.

I didn't have any friends. I only had aquaintances and classmates. I didn't want to be close with anybody cause I didn't want to bring anyone home. I wouldn't let them see my dad or how fucked up my life had become. I never said anything about my mother, and they never asked. I pushed everybody away, so eventually they all stopped trying, persuming that was just the way I wanted it. It was, even if it made me even unhappier.

My teacher started sending me to the school shrink since I had looked so "distant and down lately" and maybe I "needed to talk to someone". I knew the school shrink was a nice woman, but I had no intentions of telling her anything about my life. Our sessions basically consisted of her asking questions and me answering things like "mmm", "I guess" and "not really".

I figured they'd just give up after a while, but they didn't, and looking back I must say I'm grateful for it. During what felt like our 511th session, she finally said something that caught my attention.

"You know Keira, if you're having severe problems at home you could have social services help you find an apartment."

I had to smile. "Really?"

She smiled back, half surprised and half relieved that I actually reacted to something she had said.

"Yes. But you'll have to tell them why you need it."

"Oh." My smile was gone as fast as it had appeared.

"You could start by telling me", she said, "then I'll help you with social services."

I sat quiet for a while.

"I... I'll have to think about it." I finalyl said.

"You do that Keira, and then you come back to me when you're ready."

The second I walked through the front door that day I knew I could live like that anymore. I was just too tired of it all.

***

I booked my first session of own free will the very next day, and when I got there, I started talking.

It had been over two years since my mother left - I was fifteen at the time - when I first spilled it all to someone. What I had fought so hard to hide just kept pouring out of me and I couldn't stop. She just sat there, nodded occasionally and let me talk. If anything of what I said surprised her she hid it well. Her expression never changed throughout my entire vent.

I talked for the whole hour straight, and she didn't speak until it was time for me to leave.

"I will talk to social services first thing tomorrow morning and set up a meeting. I'll let you know."

"Thank you", I said and quietly left her office.

When I got home I told my dad that I was gonna get my own apartment.

He laughed. "I'm not paying for it!"

That was the most he'd said to me all week.

"I didn't expect you to. I just wanted to let you know." I said and then left the room.

***

It took another six months before I got my apartment. I got a job at a café in town, and I turned 16 (which I had to be to get the apartment). I woke up on my birthday and the first thing I did was to sign the papers. Later that day I got the key in my hand and stepped into my new home for the first time. I was finally free.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

Chapter two

Mon, 02 May 2005 16:09:44 GMT

Taylor April 27th, 2005

Looking back on my childhood I realize what a care free kid I really was. I didn't care about girls as Ike did, and therefor I never had to get my heart "broken". I never got as into video games as Zac did, and therefor I never had to feel what it was like to care when I lost - like I always did.

All I cared about was running, laughing, playing sports, hanging out with my friends and brothers, and music. The music always fascinated me. I could sit in front of my parents' stereo for hours, memorizing every word, every tune of their favorite records. My mother would see the look on my face, smile and ask me what I was doing. I blushed and said "I'm just listening".

It wasn't long after that that she signed me up for piano classes. Ike and Zac took classes too, but they never got quite as into it as I did. I loved the feeling of the keys against my fingertips, and once I started to get the hang of it, it was very hard to tear me away. I guess some people would say I got too into it, that it isn't healthy for a seven year old kid to sit by the piano all the time. Looking back on it, I think they were right. During summer I was much paler than Ike and Zac who ran around outside all day, and our relatives kept asking my parents and me if I was alright. It quite bothered me at the time. Of course I was alright! Couldn't they see how happy I was?

The first time I truly noticed the gap that had become between me and my brothers was on a beautiful summer's day when I heard my mom in the kitchen asking Ike and Zac if they wanted to go swimming.

"Yeah, sure!" Said the 10 years old Ike and cracked a grin.

"I'll go tell Taylor", said 5 years old Zac.

Isaac frowned. "Why do you even bother asking him?"

"He promised to teach me to swim!"

"You know he's not gonna come. He's busy with his precious piano." Ike's frown refused to go away.

Zac sighed and pouted. "He never comes with us anymore, even though he promised." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Taylor's mean."

Mom kneeled down in front of him and stroke his upper arms gently. "If you ask him I'm sure he'll come, honey."

Isaac snorted.

"There was no need for that, Isaac", mom said, then she turned back to Zac. "Taylor has been a little busy lately, I'm sure he just forgot. Why don't you go ask him to come swimming with us?"

Zac's pout disappeared and he smiled a little. "You think he will?"

"I'm sure he will, honey."

Zac gave our mother a hug and walked off towards the living room where I stood, eavesdropping. I felt a little guilty so I quickly sat down at the piano playing whatever when Zac entered the room.

He crawled up on the piano stool beside me and just sat there in silence for a while, watching my fingers on the black and white keys.

I glanced over at him. "What's up, little man?"

Normally he would have given me the angry speech about how I am only two years older and not that much taller than him, and therefor had no right to call him "little man", but this time he didn't.

"Nothing", he said. Oh boy, this is serious.

I stopped playing and turned towards him.

"Zac, what's wrong?"

He was looking down at his hands, and I could see a pout coming on.

"Zac...?" I tried again.

"You never play with me anymore!" Ah, here we go. "All you ever do is play your stupid piano..."

A pout was definitely coming on.

"Z-man, I'm sorry..."

"Ike thinks he's too old to play with me anymore, and still he does, more than you do, and you promised!"

"Zac! Ike doesn't think he's too old to play with you!"

"Yes he does..." There was a clearly visible pout.

I frowned. "Has he said that?"

"No... But he's always playing with Jenna."

Aha, so that's where the problem really lies. "Ike's just been a bit busy lately."

I had to smile at the memory of when Ike had brought his first "girlfriend" Jenna home a week earlier.

"Just like you."

"Zac", I said. He looked up at me with eyes on the edge of tears and my smile immediately disappeared.

"Don't you like me anymore?" His big brown puppy eyes looked straight into mine.

"Of course I do!"

"Then why don't you play with me? And why do you never come swimming with us? You promised to teach me how to swim this summer."

"I know, I'm sorry. I can go swimming with you today if you want."

He cracked a smile. "Really? You'll come with us?"

"Sure". I smiled back at him.

"And will you play with me when we get home?"

I laughed. "Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Yay!" Zac said and giggled like a little girl.

Suddenly he threw his arms around me hugged my waist. "I love you, Tay", he said.

"I love you too, Zac", I said and hugged him back.

Man, he was a gay five year old.

Chapter One

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 14:37:08 GMT

Keira April 27th, 2005

I need to tell you everything from the beginning. Maybe then I’ll understand it too.

On my 13^th birthday, before my mother left, she gave me a CD. “Middle of nowhere” by Hanson. I listenend to it on and off during the day, but I never got to the end since there was always somebody calling to wish me a happy birthday and things like that. I was having a great birthday, and I already loved the CD, so as soon as I got a minute free I ran to my room and turned up the volume and danced around to the sweet tunes of “Mmmbop”.

During the pause between two songs I heard my parents talking in loud voices. They weren’t quite screaming, I guess they didn’t want me to hear. I opened my door and peeked into the livingroom. When I heard my father call my mother a whore, I dropped the CD cover I was holding. The sound made my parents jump and they turned towards me.

“Sweetheart, your father didn’t mean that” My mother said and took a few steps in my direction.

“Oh for Christ’s sake! Don’t fuss with the girl! She’s 13 years old!” My father yelled.

“I will fuss my daughter however much I please, Robert.” She was only a few steps away from where I stood frozen in the doorway.

“Don’t you walk away from me bitch! I wasn’t finished!”

My mother stopped dead in her tracks. I could see her clench her fists tightly, and as if she had totally forgotten about me, she turned around and stomped back over to where my father was standing.

“Maybe you’re not finished Robert, but I am! I’m finished with this, with you!” She stared straight into his eyes. “I’m leaving, and I’m taking our daughter!”

At that moment I was totally paralyzed, and I lost all contact with the real world. I could no longer see my parents clearly, and my father’s screaming response was only a blur of words mixed together creating unrecognizeable sounds.

I slowly retreated back into my room, leaving the CD cover on the floor, and closed the door behind me. I stood in the middle of the room staring into thin air, but when I heard my father’s flying fist make contact with my mother’s body, I crawled up in the corner on my bed, clenching my knees feverishly.

On my stereo “Madeline” ended, and I heard the intro to “With you in your dreams” for the first time. I just sat there, listening to the words the young boy sang to me, and I cried. At first it was just light sobbing, but eventually I found myself lying flat on my stomach, covering my pillow with tears and screams. I don’t know for how I long I cried but it made me exhausted. When I finally dozed off the CD was back at “With you in your dreams”, and I fell asleep with the lyrics ringing in my head.

If I’m gone when you wake up

Please don’t cry

If I’m gone when you wake up

It’s not goodbye

Don’t look back at this time

As a time of heartbreak and distress

Remember me, remember me

Cause I’ll be with you in your dreams...

And when I woke up the next morning, she was gone.

I couldn’t believe it. She said she’d take me! Why did she leave me here, with him? I knew as soon as I stepped into the kitchen that morning that nothing would ever be the same. My father sat at the table reading the newspaper and he didn’t even look at me when I came in. As soon as I touched the fridge he told me to keep it down, and when I put a bowl down on the table the sound made him lose his temper.

“Damn it kid, I told you to keep it down!”

“But dad, I’m just...” I started, but he interrupted me.

“You are no longer allowed into the kitchen in the morning while I’m here!”

I stared at him in disbelief. “But then I won’t have time to have breakfast before I go to school.”

For the first time that morning he lowered the newspaper and looked at me. “Leave my kitchen until I am done.”

I ran into my room, slammed the door shut and threw myself down on my bed. I didn’t cry, I had no tears left. I just buried my face in my pillow and laid there listening to the clock ticking. My stomach was screaming for breakfast, but I ignored it, and I didn’t move until it was time for me to go to school.

Since that day I have been thinking a lot of my mother. I wondered why she left me when she told my father she was gonna take me with her, and why she just took off and was never heard from again. She never called and she never wrote to me. At least as far as I knew she didn’t. Maybe she had tried to call but my father wouldn’t let her speak to me. The thought crossed my mind more than once. I was never allowed to answer the phone, it was my father’s way of screening my calls. But I still think she could have tried harder. He must have threatened her in some way. She and I were best friends, he only kept me because he knew that was what’d hurt her the most. And she never contacted me. I couldn’t believe my mother would be such a covard. What on earth did my father say to her that night?!

Writing it all down makes me think about it again. I haven’t done that in a long time. I’m mad at my mother cause she left me for reasons I’ll never know, and I hate my dad for hitting her and driving her off. I don’t think I’ll ever know what really happened the night she left, and somehow I have just learned to live with it.

Prologue II - Taylor

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 10:15:07 GMT

I don't know what happened. This last year has gone by so incredibly fast. In the beginning everything was as it have been for the last 8 years, we did shows, we met the fans, we moved on to the next country, and eventually we got to go back home. Now everything is, different, to say the least. You know how it gets when you're having a really long phone conversation and at the end you have ended up talking about something that is completely different from what you called to talk about. Then you try to follow the conversation back to where it started, and you always find these really weird connections that normally has nothing to do with each other. I feel that's what my life has become, a long phone conversation, and I have no idea how I got where I am.

I hurt somebody. Someone I think means a lot to me. I say "think", because I don't know what I feel. I'm not sure why I did it. I'm so confused. I suddenly woke up one morning at the end of the conversation not knowing what I said that lead me here, and I guess I paniced. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I just didn't know what to do. I still don't.

I desperately need to straighten my life out before I'll know what to do about anything. Hence the fact I'm writing this.

So hi, I'm Taylor, and dear journal, you're stuck with me.

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Sorry for writing such short prologues! lol

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 09:41:08 GMT

I just had an idea, I'm going to use the "music" feature to recommend a "soundtrack" to the chapter it's posted with. I will be using a lot of song lyrics in the story, so it'd be cool to have that particular song along with it. All entries will not have soundtracks, but some definitely will. *nods* :)

Prologue I - Keira

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 09:38:36 GMT

They say you should never meet you heroes cause they'll only disappoint you. Taylor was always my hero. I don't know if I can say that he disappointed me. In so many ways he did, but he made up for it in a hundred others.

I should have known it was never meant to be. How could I fall for it? Why did I let myself fall? I don't know why I bother asking these questions when the answer is so obvious. I adored him, and deep down I guess I still do. I adored him just like every other miserable teenage girl who's only joy in her otherwise miserable life is to watch him and his brothers play shows and wait around for him afterwards. I know that sounds pathetic, but even before I knew him he truly was the light in my pitch black life.

My loser dad is an alcoholic of the violent kind, and after he almost beat my mother senseless, she finally took off, leaving me behind on my 13th birthday. He never laid a hand on me, but he never spoke a friendly word, so when I was 16 social services finally helped me get away from him and create a life of my own. I'm not complaining, but it wasn't easy to keep good grades at school and at the same time work double shifts to be able to pay the rent for my small apartment. It still isn't, even though I have now graduated from high school.

The thing I wrote earlier about how my only joy in life was to watch Taylor and his brothers play, is very true. I didn't afford much other than the essentials, but damn it I went to as many of their shows as I could. And I guess that's where it all started.

But where are my manners? I'm Keira, and this is my journal.

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I know it's kinda cliché-ish, but I needed to get rid of her parents. lol. It'll get better, I hope.