i can't stop listening to this song.
i don't like the way my life is right now. all i've been doing lately is working on change. change this, change that. fix this, break that.
shit.
recently i've been working on the way i look. i'm really unhappy with it.. it's just, so normal, so unappealing, unattractive, unpleasing to me. i've always been crazy with my style and my hair and everything. never really with my clothes, and i wanna change that. my style is boring. i hate it. i just never shop in the right place.
where am i getting this money to go shopping?
first i've been trying to make my skin softer. there's something wrong with my legs. they always have a million red bumps everywhere and it never stops. it's not from shaving. it's not from anything. they're just there. and they fucking piss me off.
i bought a million skincare products yesterday at wallgreens. acne scrub. lotion. shit. i wanna go to a dermatologist(sp?) but my grandma's cheap.
my hair is disgusting. it doesn't even grow. it's dry, frizzy, damaged, split ended.. the works. i want extensions, but i doubt they'd have ones to match my hair type, what's the word for it.. oh yeah, impossible to fix? i hate it. grow plz.
maybe i'll dye it again today. yeah, that'll make it feel alot better. its gonna fall out.
i wanna get my lip re-pierced. i've wanted to for a while. at first i thought i'd get snake bites, then i just decided i wanted one on the side. i don't want to look scene, but i really don't care if people think i am. i always wonder what people think of me. maybe i do care. i don't know.
i don't want to care about anything. that's what i should say. in my head i constantly just say, i don't fucking care, but if i didn't, why would i have to reassure myself i don't? i don't want to care, but i do.
too much.
shit with friends. it seems as though i'll never change. i was doing good for a while. i was happy, didn't worry about much. liked the way i looked, liked my friends, there was no jealousy problems, the only problems i had were with jesse, which are inevitable and always will be, i came to that conclusion a while ago. but now, all the other problems are coming back to flood my head and make me a depressed son of a bitch again. my brain just loves to turn against itself, prove itself wrong all the time. "i'm fine. i'm doing good." bam. fuck you.
jesse and i are both going to see this woman donna. when jesse used to be i guess, insane, not like he isn't now, he used to see this lady. i want to go back on my old medication. i hated it at the time because i was so deep into my sorrow that i loved it. i missed it. i hated being so cheerful and optimistic. right now i'm begging for these feelings to come back. wellbutrin XL. let's hope it'll work.
i have working papers sitting on my table. with nobody to drive me back to school and get them signed. i want this job so bad. so bad. dunkin donuts. right down the street from my house, great food, easy job, MONEY. MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY. SOMETHING TO DO DURING THE DAY. something to occupy my mind. something to ease the pain. something to cure the loneliness.
i really need it. i really need to get stuff done. re-do the house, clean clean clean, clean like a fucking maniac, fix the fucking computer, take care of turtle. go get my job, go get my papers signed. go to the doctor's. find a cheap dermatologist and make an appt. GET A DENTIST. get better health insurance. GET MY FUCKING PERMIT. go to the dmv. do my summer work. read. read that fucking book you checked out from the library, why are you so stubborn? it's a good book.
god, FUCK OFF. improve yourself.
improve. my main fucking goal.
Current Mood: 
indifferent
Current Music: Nirvana- Do Re Mi (Solo Acoustic)