my new username is speakerph0ne, add that shit bitches, i'm not adding anyone first cos i dont feel like it. whoever wants to read go for it.

you know what?

im gonna get a new livejournal. start over. i feel newish.

uh, comment me or aim me for it if anyone even still reads this. ill probably just add everyone and no one will remember who i am.

i changed alot.

not on purpose.

shit happens.




i don't even know what to say.
let's say i'm happy.

working at billiards isn't so bad. it just drains my energy like mad. i need quick chek extreme coffee. i'm making alot of new friends and i have money. it feels so fucking good to have a job, i feel so.. accomplished. i'm doing something. i'm cleaning my room. and hopefully i can keep up with school in all of this. my sleep schedule is fucked but it was in the first place.. so it's cool. i going shopping on friday, maybe. yesterday was a total steve fest for tj and i. i have to pee really bad, bye.

extravagant.......

yep.

oh so uh, clap for me, i have a job!

billiards.












lololololololololololololololol

so i fucked up. put off all my school work like the lazy pothead i am. i told myself at the beginning of the summer that i'd leave myself with enough time to do all this. yeah, okay. the last day of august is always so upsetting. it's not like i even go to real school... wow, this will be my first september not starting actually school. speaking of which, i better go re-register at old bridge soon before i don't even have a school to go to.

so i've been dreaming again lately. the other day i had a weird one though. we were all in a car on like a road trip, and for some reason TJ just kinda disappeared. i spent the whole rest of the dream looking for him too.

then, the dream i just woke up from, i had a new apartment. it was weird.. all the land in my area was seperated so differently, my apartment was right by my real house but everything was in different places. so i'm coming out of college (no idea what college i was in) and i walk out, the first thing i see is RONNIE standing at the door. nobody really knows who ronnie is. basically, a father figure from a couple years ago, a pastor at the church i used to go to. a very very close friend who i havn't seen in years since he went to harlem. this is out of no where, ronnie standing in front of me. and for some reason, i flip. my heart starts pounding, i gasp and drop my shit and just bolt. and i keep bolting and i don't know how but i ended up at dunkin donuts. and then i ended up in my apartment, where apparently bobby lives with me now. (bobby is from billiards, those of you who know him will find that rather weird) and it wasn't even really apartment-like. inside it was but from what i remember it was sort of a tent on the outside. i had a weird phone too. the phone was like a big part of the dream. so i see ronnie riding a bike trying to catch me and i think i met up with him but i can't remember anymore.

and everytime i wake up these dreams seem so realistic, and i'm so convinced they're preminitions... i really wouldn't mind seeing ronnie. i'm so much different now.. a completely different person than he knew. it would be nice to see him again after this long while but i know he would preach to me.. i couldn't lie to him about who i am, and obviously who i am i "need god" desperately. i don't want god or any more salvation, religion is not for me anymore.. i know he'd try to pull me back into it and i don't want that. he has no idea..

i don't know what this dream could mean, maybe he's gonna call me? show up somewhere that i am? or maybe i'm gonna get shitfaced and get dumped right in harlem to find him. who fucking knows, my life is crazy as it is.


so yeah i fucked up school yet again and i can't believe i have to start soon. i've been playing brain age alot on the ds, i wish i had a ds soooo baddddd. jesse borrowed it from heather. want want wanttttt

so maybe i'll hang out with steve today, who knows whats going on.

btw, i love all my basking ridge kids, last night was fun.

just got home to find my beloved turtle resting in silence.

turtle.... i found him in a cup in chinatown, nyc. i loved him so much.. when we first got him he was so hyper, always crawling all over me and swimming around his tank. he never ate. he had only started eating about 2 months after we had him. he was a sick turtle... he was traumatized from the subways & bus ride home from ny. we were surprised he even lived this long. he got worse over time. he ate but it just wasn't enough. and today i came home, i picked him up and he was all sorts of..well... not moving.

he rests under his beloved coconut for tonight, lights off, towel over tank. he'll have a proper funeral tomorrow afternoon.

if anyone liked my turtle that much call me up to keep me company. i'm pretty upset over this...


R. I. P turtle<3 forever in my heart...

04/07/06- 8/14/06

i don't really know what to say about most things right now.

i'm at billiards.. where else would i be?

so much unnecessary shit happened this week. it's all over now, thank fucking christ.
let's just say it was a war between me & jeremy + tj and victoria. kinda.

so thursday i took a trip up to sayville, in long island, to see max & sal. my first time taking the train farther than union. it was amazing.. i felt really free that i could just get on a train and end up that far away from home. took almost 3 hours to get there but it was well worth it. i missed my salamander. things are great up there... i need to get away and go back soon.


some things really make me wanna ram my fucking head through walls. like you.

HOLY SHIT LADY DO I FUCKING SOUND LIKE I'M ORDERING PIZZA?


hah, nobody will ever know. fuck you.

hi livejournal people :D
i'm updating from billiards right now. this is my first wi fi connection that actually went through since like, forever. jai finally fixed it. i'm stuck here all day because i decided to come to work with jesse (again). and by all day i mean 11:30 - 2 am D=


so, a few things:
i'm enjoying life to the fullest for the first time ever
i like to draw now
all i do is play pool
i dyed my hair black with soon to come purple highlights :D
i miss my chef =( get well soon trancer

FREE KEV!

so i fucked up my finger hxc today. car door = FUCK!

it turned out to be an okay night besides the fact that i was stuck in a hospital for 2 hours for a pill of ibuprofen and a splint. and sucking at pool.



steve ♥

i just FINALLY dropped off my application at dunkin donuts. i filled it out on 5/22. lol. it's 7/7.

i really fucking hope i get this job.
i don't know how it's gonna work since school's closed and i never got my working forms filled out.

man i need money like crazy.

bahhhh

SAME THING EVERYDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

AC WAS AAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG


i belong there...



last few nights have been the same shit, ♥ steve & billiards

rob is really nice.

i'm super fucking sick.
make me soup. nigga.


break today?
damnit.

BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKIN SCENEXCORE!





Shefu no Jutsu: cause you're SO scene
droveoff theedge: oh yes
droveoff theedge: ssooooo scenexcore
Shefu no Jutsu: SEE YOU ARE. god you are so emo it makes me want to cut myself XxBBsYxX


FUCKING ROFL.


2 days till ♥


TOMORROW = AC = LOVE.
tonight = watching 4th stage cos chef ♥'s itsuki hxc.

seaside yesterday was indescribable <3

i am sand woman.
gerard is a funny fucker.


mad steve, mad DRIVING

it was love.


so ac is really monday tuesday wednesday
didn't realize it :X

so that means i'll be here on sunday to check out if sns REALLY is getting supernova.


psht.

i think i feel better.
i've been pretty okay the past couple days.

one more week, and it's a year <3 tomorrow is the 21st, that first night, i hung out with them..


wow.

"EUROBEAT GIRL <3'S EUROBEAT KID

6 27 05"


crazy shit dude.

fucking crazy.


SEASIDE TOMORROW <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY
ATLANTIC CITYYYYYYYY
tuesday = 1 year <3



i'm flabbergasted.
or maybe i just like that word.
but i just realized how crazy that is that it was already a year ago.

i can't stop listening to this song.

i don't like the way my life is right now. all i've been doing lately is working on change. change this, change that. fix this, break that.

shit.

recently i've been working on the way i look. i'm really unhappy with it.. it's just, so normal, so unappealing, unattractive, unpleasing to me. i've always been crazy with my style and my hair and everything. never really with my clothes, and i wanna change that. my style is boring. i hate it. i just never shop in the right place.

where am i getting this money to go shopping?

first i've been trying to make my skin softer. there's something wrong with my legs. they always have a million red bumps everywhere and it never stops. it's not from shaving. it's not from anything. they're just there. and they fucking piss me off.

i bought a million skincare products yesterday at wallgreens. acne scrub. lotion. shit. i wanna go to a dermatologist(sp?) but my grandma's cheap.

my hair is disgusting. it doesn't even grow. it's dry, frizzy, damaged, split ended.. the works. i want extensions, but i doubt they'd have ones to match my hair type, what's the word for it.. oh yeah, impossible to fix? i hate it. grow plz.

maybe i'll dye it again today. yeah, that'll make it feel alot better. its gonna fall out.

i wanna get my lip re-pierced. i've wanted to for a while. at first i thought i'd get snake bites, then i just decided i wanted one on the side. i don't want to look scene, but i really don't care if people think i am. i always wonder what people think of me. maybe i do care. i don't know.

i don't want to care about anything. that's what i should say. in my head i constantly just say, i don't fucking care, but if i didn't, why would i have to reassure myself i don't? i don't want to care, but i do.

too much.

shit with friends. it seems as though i'll never change. i was doing good for a while. i was happy, didn't worry about much. liked the way i looked, liked my friends, there was no jealousy problems, the only problems i had were with jesse, which are inevitable and always will be, i came to that conclusion a while ago. but now, all the other problems are coming back to flood my head and make me a depressed son of a bitch again. my brain just loves to turn against itself, prove itself wrong all the time. "i'm fine. i'm doing good." bam. fuck you.

jesse and i are both going to see this woman donna. when jesse used to be i guess, insane, not like he isn't now, he used to see this lady. i want to go back on my old medication. i hated it at the time because i was so deep into my sorrow that i loved it. i missed it. i hated being so cheerful and optimistic. right now i'm begging for these feelings to come back. wellbutrin XL. let's hope it'll work.

i have working papers sitting on my table. with nobody to drive me back to school and get them signed. i want this job so bad. so bad. dunkin donuts. right down the street from my house, great food, easy job, MONEY. MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY. SOMETHING TO DO DURING THE DAY. something to occupy my mind. something to ease the pain. something to cure the loneliness.

i really need it. i really need to get stuff done. re-do the house, clean clean clean, clean like a fucking maniac, fix the fucking computer, take care of turtle. go get my job, go get my papers signed. go to the doctor's. find a cheap dermatologist and make an appt. GET A DENTIST. get better health insurance. GET MY FUCKING PERMIT. go to the dmv. do my summer work. read. read that fucking book you checked out from the library, why are you so stubborn? it's a good book.


god, FUCK OFF. improve yourself.


improve. my main fucking goal.

so as everytime i said jesse and i broke up, we're back together. well, technically not. but whatever.

but this time is different. things are really gonna change. because if they don't then i'm peacin. like, for good.

but it really seems that things are going good. we're on a break and we actually aren't seeing eachother often. today will be the first time i saw him since i think thursday, and that was only for like 2 or 3 hours.

i'm not really all that okay though.
there's just shit, everywhereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bah

only toria understands me.


so i've actually been going out the past couple days and living my own life and having fun. i hung out with peter alllll day sunday, and it was the best day i had in a while. went to see posiedon, and it was pretty good. not the greatest thing i'd ever seen, but better than the commercial i kept making fun of.


so i'm super pissed off because my fucking aunt and uncle took my mom's camaro back in september to sell it, they fucking leave it there for like months, start driving it as their own car and then today, my grandma tells me that they sold it for only 3,200. supposedly it needs new back tires, and the alignment is off.

that car is so nice inside, not one thing wrong with the interior. there's a few scratches on the exterior, only one really noticable one, and i don't remember ANYTHING wrong with the engine when we had it. i don't know where the hell all this shit came from.

i think the car would have sold for at least 8 grand on ebay, but my grandma's too fucking stupid UGH we could have had so much fucking money....


i have a feeling i'm getting stuck with a peice of shit car when i could have had like, an fd or something.


i need a vaykay soon
i hope i can go up to LI.

that would be nice.


school ends soon, but that's not a big deal for me cos it just leaves wednesday mornings open. i have to go tomorrow, and hopefully they'll give me all the working papers shit and all that mess and i can finally put in my application at dunkin donuts and get some fuckin money bro. i'm a poor son of a bitch.


fuckin a.

i don't know if anybody's going to be seeing jesse for a while...

we broke up last night.


i don't want everyone asking me why. actually, i don't want ANYONE to ask me why. i don't want to discuss and i don't want help or advice or anything.


i just want some comfort..

somebody to hang out with..


i dunno what i'm doing with myself.

hate to complain but


my nose has itched, all day, nonstop, it's so red and the skin is falling off.


whats wrong with me?

ive been sneezing all day and my nose just started runing a lil while ago.


i know some of its due to allergies... but what the fucks wrong with my nose



i'm miserable =(

uh

420 was amazing, as usual
<3 ten and tj, and thx to ryhalv :P

don't go to united skates. you'll get arrested like i did last night.

uh, cut my hair and dyed it, it's black, i have bangs, i look like a goth child and i'm not so happy about it, and at the same time i look like mia wallace of pulp fiction, and that i'm very happy about.


still smoking too many cigarettes.
not enough bud.

too much liquor.

stopped breathing in my sleep the other night.

i cleared out the whiskey+rum, next day i have a toothache,

"baby, what helps a tooth ache?"
"whiskey or rum"

im so lucky, thank you mister edison cop, i owe you my sanity and probably my life.

if you guys only knew.