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| Time: | 12:34 am. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | ccr. |
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i beat the fuck out of beka today on santa puala street, oh my god it was so great, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, she got what she deserved, and she looks stupid now, always calling me a lil girl well im the lil girl who knnocked her ass out, the big 21 year old went down...dumb bitch hahahahha
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| Time: | 12:14 am. |
| Mood: |  not sure. | | Music: | avenged sevenfold- whatever number 13 is. |
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shitty day, went to docter had 6 needles gabed in my back, the fluid they extracted from the bumps was likegreenish yellow so i cant wait to find out what the fuck those are, stacy was all throwing up blood at Ambers and had to go to the hospital, i went to the cemetary with dirty acheal stacy amber and gay brad a while ago and we chilled at trevors moms grave cause its the 10th aniversary of her murder, chilled at stacys dads for a while too and sams and my grandmas and scotts dads and racheals dads and at guynnes damn i think i no more people in the cemetary then ou tof it....ozzfest is next satuday...excited...leiana called me crying becasue she cant stand not having me in her life and a bunch of nonsense...i did miss her tho....the baby is so cute he came over and ran a muck for a couple hours...frankie is being so lame...he knows that ive been jumpy and not wanting to do sex stuff since the rape thing and he sti ll trys and fuck man it bugs, he gets all offended by it or something but he should think about how offended i get when all i can think about is that....man i cant wait till ozzfest thats my 3 day vactions from reality...ive been on a really bad luck streak and its time for me to forget it all...im gonna just lt my hair down and be me...carefree me...fuck man this will be awsome...
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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okay so ur punk right...fuck all the coperations, fuck the government fuck conformity...this is how u think...but it u would take the time to drown out that fucking screaming u call music u would see that everything u believe is a lie and everything u rant and rave about is a load of horse shit...really think about it on a smigen of a deeper level...where do u get your studded belts, hair die, stupid little buttons, lame little patchs and your music? ummm a store right well allthese stores are coperations, and even if they're just little mom and pop stores that happen to carry bondage, they still pay taxes, and ur still fucking supporting the government u hate....muhhhhahahaha....yeah for my understanding, ...Im fucking right...sorry tp burst your bubble u people who hate war but love chaos...ur lucky that we have a government, becuase the cops are the only thing keeping many "conformed" "trendy" people from kicking ur lame ass...oh yeah have u thought about how punk is a tredy now, its the cool thing to do, so i guess u better find another tree to bark up becuase ur cool and trendy now, and we cant have that...as far as im concerned, the only true anarchists are bums who have dogs with out leashes that walk throught the dessert wearing corn husks and squirrle skin and drinking cactus...u just cant go against the government now, theres no point, just get over it and take a shower....
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i wa watching "dont say a word" earlier and i started thinking baout the hwole harts island conept so i cam online and looked it up. it turns out that there are more or less 750,000 bodies buried there, its only a 10 acre island. but thats not the scary thing. they have been burying people there since the civil war and still bury people there to date. who are these people u ask? these are the bums and "john doe's" that we see every day, between 1 and 3 thousand of them are buried there every year. and yet freakier.... if these are the bums of the bronx and of the east coast in general....where do the dead bodies that remain unidentified on the west coast and in the mid section of the US go? are they piled in to mass graves in the desert with our nuclear waste, are they burned and thrown in the trash....where do these lost mothers, fathers, and children go. these are the people on the milk carton and the people in out lives that having seemingly dissappeared, these are the vetrens of our country that beg for money outside of taco bell and walk the streets with their scruffy dogs and trash bags of cans....what the fuck is goin onand where the fuck are these lost souls being buried or disposed of. i dont no about you but this shit is a lil scarry to me.
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i hate everything right now. everything falls apart at once and this time there is no one there to pick up the pieces. my so called boyfriend is just a lump. i guess im just with him so im not alone....but u no what i do believe a am more alone having someone there that doesnt care than having no one there at all...im fuckin crazy... i am just having such a hard time accepting my dads death and my mothers overwhelming drug habits, my drop in caring for my furture and my lack of hunger for life is sopmething i am not used to all these things that used to fill my day with friends smiles and a fullfilled feeling at the end of the day, mean nothing. i have become an angry and bitter person because i have become a puppet to everyone in my life, or maybe its that i was a puppet just putting on a magical and fooling fa-sad and i have now cut the string and am trying to figure out what i am, and what possesses me...
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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
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| Subject: | fuck |
| Time: | 1:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  full. | | Music: | afro man-colt 45. |
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i dont really have to worry about my dad being in the hospital anymore...he died a week ago today...yeah its been fuckin awful well...yeah i dunno, i tried to get into warped tour today with shannon but we were unsuccessful...oh well, nathan ur prolly there right now...i kinmda miss my dad but yeah ill right more later guys...
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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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| Time: | 3:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | jesus is just alright. |
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I reallly need to write like 10 pages on whats been going on but fuck its a draining suject to talk about. today has been an okay day Corey Salka is in my class at the college he sits next to me, hes a sweetheart, a lil off but a sweetie still. My professor cant hear worth a shit so when i try to say something she like screams "what" and it makes me nervous, i dont like yelling. Leiana and i still havent spoken its been over a month sincee we fought, we since she called me a stupid white bitch and i slammed hre head into the asphalt. my mom will not get over the drug scene and its killing me to see here using again after so long. Sh estopped all her medication and jesus its killing here. My dad is still in atelope vally hospt. he had emergancy surgery twoo days ago he went into cardiak arrest and he was litterally dead twice, but they brought him back. He says that hes pisst because they brought him back because he has nothing to live for except me and he has already lost me. it makes me sad. Linda lost all her hair after he first radiation session. its sad and kurt is 100% better after the operation. alll these sick people around me its horrifying. i better face it tho im gonna end up with lung cancer or empazema well i need a smoke.
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| Time: | 10:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  dorky. | | Music: | arch enemy. |
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HI i moved and i havent been able to go online because AOL is a bunch of assholes and cut off my account. well yeah HI all u people that dont exist that dont read this bs. well Nathan if u read this my new number is 80 5 525 7290 call me if u would it would be great to here from u. but hey who am i kidding u wont read this
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| Time: | 1:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  weird. | | Music: | cocaine. |
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you are one of these metalcore fucks. every band
you listen to sounds exactly the same. they all
are just breakdowns and pinch harmonics. get
some variety. you like to go in the pit to hurt
people. that's real cool. go jump off a bridge.
what kind of asshole scene kid are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
i got this from a friends thingy its funny. but im not "metal core" im just plain metal, theyre stupid
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Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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| Time: | 8:56 pm. |
| Mood: | exhausted. | | Music: | tim mc graw. |
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why is it thati cant live my life... everyone lives it for me...it would be one thing if they were living their life thru mine but they are just straigh dictation it, plane and simple...i cant stand how my family just tolerates each other and thats it....no acceptance...not consideration for one another...just hidden loathingand fucking childish shit talking, i feel like my family is a mini highschool like the clique that kicks it on the hill and snickers at everyone below them becuase they actually seem to belive that we all are some how inferior to their daddies credit cards and lifted trucks liek we are a sub species that hasnt evolved into the superior race they thinkj they are... dude are society is so fucking lame.
i heard this song, i used to hate it but its kinda nice, the lyrics are cool for a pop song it not just "hit me baby" or "bye bye bye" you no they are on some low level, deep, especially for a fucking spick.
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
Thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have a dreams of you
So I wait for the day
And the courage to say how much I love you
Yes I do!
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Corazón
I can't stop dreaming of you
No puedo dejar de pensar en ti
I can't stop dreaming
Cómo te necesito
I can't stop dreaming of you
Mi amor, cómo te extraño
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe
That you came up to me and said "I love you"
I love you too!
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming of you endlessly
Dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Endlessly
And I'll be holding you tight
Dreaming...with you...tonight!
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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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| Time: | 8:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  pisst. | | Music: | ba ba ba bad! im bad to the bone!. |
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Your jealousy has built a fire around your house and i hope these flames sear your fucking mouth shut. gossip, rumors...i was just another 5 minute movie to hit your empty theatre. i was just another 5 minute story. was it a lack respect that turned our friendship so sour? i will not feel sorry for you anymore. i hope this hits you right between the fucking eyes. we forged this hammer for one reason , to crush every bone that youve pampered. sleep tonight with the ashes and decorate your heart with death. sleep tonight and let god tell you his secrets because youre sure as fuck gonna need to know something as fake as waking up.
a "friend" had this on his page. it made me think. i have so much to say but i wont im so tired and so fucking numb. fuck this town fuck everyone! i cant stand this place any more none of it! fuck in aye none of it. i hate the drama why cant everyone just get the fuck over it!
i ahte guys too. some botch called me out the other day because her ex-boy friend had my SN written down on a piece of paper! Natatlie u dumb bitch ur ex is a fuckin dirty piece! so are u fuck u u silly whore if u read this! fuck u and leave me alone before i sock u again! u want another mouth full of blood? no i didnt think so! dumb cunt
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i have a new option....a new way to get outta here....foriegn exchange....yeah baby scottland...i went to a semenare over the weekend and met Andy, a scottish exchange student...i was with him...yea yea i no ino i should have but fuck man he was a cutie...but yeah foriegn exchange prolly scottland maybe sweden considering that Lena /\ is swedeish. but yeah that is defuinatly am option now. Fuckin bellewga calle dme tonite! hi lompdick i no u will prolly read this! hahah well yeah hopefully he and i will kick it. someone sent me an insta kiss. its like an only greetin card! it said a lil poem witha teddy bear and then I LOVE U <3....wierd it could have been three people nathan cody or bellew, but i think that bellew is too computer ADHD to do it....well im burned out and i have a study session in the morning so yeah ni nite
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Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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i fucking hate this god damned fucking town more than anything in the fucking world...chee chhe and antony anre staying with me for a couple days until shit cool down at their pad...i love having them here they make me smile...but fucking aye i have a lot of shit goin on to and i feel so alone and that my problems come second to me too if not third or fourth...i have the SAT1 SAT2 APUShistory APenglish the ACT1 and standardized testing all with in the next two months its a nitemare i ready...and Leiana well im no longer important...i hate Jose...i going to have him deported, i actually could hes not a citizen, fucking spick thinks hes gonna control my cousin i dont fucking think so....ugggghhhhh some of the shit hes done its so gross!!!!! i fuckin swear...and my uncle renigged on helping me so im back to square fucking one....im still sick and its been miserably hot here! fuck man i cant handel this bull shit any more i hate everything...i got really wasted on friday..took out a bottle of nighttrain, about 6 shots of ten high and a pint of smirnoff, i puked my fuckin brains out on saturday and sunday...i hugged the toilet for too fucking days and now im border line bed ridden from the fuckin flu
...god i hate, fuck i dont anything left to hate...im going back to bed i feel shitty....i love codene and crackers!
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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
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haha ive never heard of them...but thats funny...porn star
well fuckin aye...i dont know everyone is lame...im so sick of everything im gonna get in my car and drive away..i talked to cody, hes outta rehab, his parents sold the house on fushia and hes in washington...i miss that retard...he and i were close..he helped me thru a lot..he told me that he would send me gas $$ or a bus tic to go up ther for a couple weeks..maybe thats where ishould go ...haha and his phsyco mom is gonna love it wheni show up! hahah rosemary hear i come!
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  disappointed. | | Music: | Don Henley- Boys of summer. |
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well.. u no that person i was "starting to care for" well there is no room for me in his life, im not sure which one of us id out of the others league but there is some sorta missing link there. Hes obessesed with this new company call EQUALIBRIUM its pretty tight but not worth his life. i dunno i guess i dont really have any room in my life either. i can barely deal with my load now. duh kassy thats the reason u left Frankie! god im so lame sometimes. im so confused and stressed. everyday adds another mini-crisis to my life. my lawyer is laggin with my case! i want the fuck out now! i better get out before my cunt of a mother gets us both thrown out on our asses. Leiana's boy friend flipped last nite again. hes convinced that Lei and I are tweaking together but we're not! fuckin aye, he took aff and dint come back this time. i heard "boys of summer" today on the radio and i thought of an ex. i just wish that he would give me that chance to show him "what im made of" because i want him back i have for alomost a year. and i do remember the nights we had and the way i drove him wild and the way he made me scream. but hes long gone and i guess, like the song says, i should just forget all of that and everything i feel for him. for some wierd reason this one is unforgetable and irreplacable.
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| Time: | 11:18 pm. |
| Mood: | crappy. | | Music: | bon jovi. |
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they got micheal carrillo, my tip paid off. im so happy, the trial will begin soon, ill be there. im still super stress. im so sick, literally. like throwing up and coughing, im miserable. i want all this drama to end already. i need to get out! now! fuckin aye. and im starting to care about some one and its scaring me. hes way out of my league. he doenst think of me as anything othre than a piece of ass.
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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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| Time: | 11:28 pm. |
| Mood: | numb. |
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i did throw up. my dad is dying in antelope valley hospital. i never ends, it really never fuckin ends. maybe i can end it.
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i finally grew the balls to break up with him. i feel bad!
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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fuck man, it seems like everything is stagnant right now. I have all oh this shit to do and things planned but im either to tired or im trying and nothing is goin anywhere. fuck this im outtie. im goin walking.
ARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
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_bambi_'s journal
scared.
curious.
fucking miserable.
crazy.
relieved.