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[07 Jun 2006|09:18pm] |
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It's sad that I just now noticed that I am still depressed about the same things I was depressed about last summer. I haven't, in the past year, made one single move to make myself nor my life any better. And personally I do believe it is my own fault, and I'm not here to write about how it is everyone elses fault. Things have fallen apart infront of me and I don't seem to be putting them back in the right places. The past two days have been incredibly hard for me, I haven't slept and I've lost more weight from my eating habits. All I do is sit and beat myself up over the things I should have done by now and about how horrible of a person I am, inside and out. I feel completely and utterly emotionally drained from everything. I almost feel like more and more of me and decaying. And get this, on 6-6-6 my grandmother from my dads side came looking for me at my aunts house, saying she was "concerned" about me. I haven't spoken to any of them in OVER a YEAR. Why the hell be concerned now? I just don't get it. Why are they wanting to do this to me? Why are they trying to toy with me over and over? Didn't they do that enough when I was a child? Yeah well fuck them, I am grown now and I do believe I will continue not speaking to them. I mean is that selfish and hateful of me? Do I seriously have some messed up feelings? I do think I need to see someone, a therapist. I need to talk to someone, I want to talk to someone. I unleased everything to Brian today over lunch, I told him everything and he wants me to quit my job and rest. He thinks I'm under a lot of stress and is willing to pay my bills if I need just to get away for a month. I never asked for that, I know I won't do it. Sitting around the house and boohooing isn't going to help me in any way. I need to find someone to tell my everything to that won't judge me or tell someone or think I'm crazy. Because I'll admit 85% of my thoughts are odd and fucked up. Maybe it's my insecurities. I think those will actually end up kiling the only good part of me left. And that isn't too far from being gone. Blah blah blah. I'm so emo..and I can't fucking help it anymore!
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