I haven't written in a while. It's been a down hill, up hill battle. My mom suffering with cancer, me suffering with seizures, constant almost uncontrollable pain, and severe cranial pressure that knocks me off my ass. I take so much medication you would think I was over 65. I don't know how I can continue trying to save my health, all I can do is continue what I'm doing and work harder at it.
I had a vp shunt placed a few days ago. I feel like fucking shit. It drains into my stomach cavity. It's sucks, but as soon as much pressure goes down, I can have it removed, or keep it for sometime. The headaches are still there, I seize from almost any sort of pain, and once that happens, it knocks me on my ass for hours. I applied for assistance, and and trying my hardest to be a good mom, and a good person. I know it's step by step. It unbelievably crazy to go back and read my entries from the past, and see how happy, sad, happy, sad I have been. There really is no happy medium.
Of course my children make me happy, my husband is a saint. For Jesus Christ, he cooks for my mother, picks up her rxs, takes care of my bat shit who i love so much bubbi, does everything for his children, loves me, takes care of me, and works at the same time. He works damn hard, too. He is incredible.. Yet for some reason I just want to reach backward and pull back out our old life. The one where I wasn't so sick. The one where my mom Did not have liver cancer, the one where even though I was super fat (not saying i am not now but I'm extremely less) the one where we got up, went to work, held hands, sang songs, cried, smiled, fucked, made love, hugged, did things with our kids, had money to do things with our kids, so on, and so forth. We should be getting our van soon, but had a little set back. We owe 500 dollars. That we don't have. Due to
Me being sick, rx costs, ect.
Fuck i guess I just want to be happy again. And not in pain. Doing this surgery hurt. Sometimes I ask myself why the hell i did it.
I hope it's for the better, and not the worse.