~この場所の苦しみと温もりを忘れて~

It's been resolved. And I'm very happy to be his girlfriend. He makes me feel so peaceful and content.

(Except when I'm PMS-ing... but then again no one should be capable of such a feat!)

Anyway, I want to keep this one. And I want to take it slow. And I sort of want to fall in love too, while I'm at it.

This is mostly for my own reference more than anything else. I decided to put off buying things until I get some holiday money. As of now the only things I really NEED are a nice winter coat and to pay my phone bills. But if I do save enough I'd like to get:

- A series of five Michal Negrin t-shirts with Victorian designs on them (at about $20 each)
- A cheap pair of pretty every day, walking boots (about $33)
- A custom training corset to begin tight-lacing with (a little under $200)
- A nice tube of 'perfect' red lipstick -- the closest I've seen is MAC's Russian Red ($14)

- Ballet lessons ($50 for semester)
- Slippers & Leotard (At most, $20 each)

So does this sound too excessive? I'm not too sure. I do love having a paycheck but am so reluctant to spend what I've saved.

Edit: I've decided against the t-shirts and boots. T-shirts really don't fit in with who I want to be, if that makes sense, and as practical as the boots are... I have a weird aversion against practical shoes. So troublesome. I'm thinking about taking ballet next semester instead.

V25.-0102-001
GENERAL CHEMISTRY (LEC)
TR 0800AM-0915AM
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GENERAL CHEMISTRY (REC)
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GENERAL CHEMISTRY (LABLEC)
F 0930AM-1045AM

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GENERAL CHEMISTRY (LAB)
W 0230PM-0655PM

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WRITING THE ESSAY
TR 0200PM-0315PM

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POWER & POLITICS (LEC)
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CALCULUS I (LEC)
MW 0930AM-1045AM

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CALCULUS I (REC)
F 0800AM-0915AM





Note the morning classes, especially Fridays

Inner Conflict 1: Reading about the breast implant case has made me remember my intense love for my government class last year. I have marked every single page I read completely with analyses of how the process of thinking in law differs from medicine. I want to consider a Politics minor but Dramatic Lit is still intriguing too. How should I approach this?

Inner Conflict 2: I finally want to do something that will benefit MYSELF, but I still don't know if it's the RIGHT thing to do.

Hmmm where to begin?

I'm in the city of my dreams studying at the school of my dreams. I should be criminally happy right now. So what's up? How I come I feel so small and alone instead? I'm starting to learn everything I'll need for my future dream job. So why do I feel empty still? How long is it gonna take for me to love college like I hear I'm supposed to?

I wanna be more than just a shell waiting to be filled by all this useless material. Blood. Tears. Knowledge. Saliva. It all comes and goes. I want something meaningful to keep, for once.

And I'm tired of hearing about all the "it wasn't meant to be"'s, without ever having something that was meant to be.

It'll get better, I'm sure. But for now I'm content with complaining.

Nine days left. I'm not so much scared any more but REALLY anxious. Like, I can't wait, but at the same time, I don't know what to expect when I'm there. I have just a little over a week to get everything together on top of that. (Gotta finish packing... ugh).

I'd be a lot more motivated if it weren't so hot. ><

Also why must Vista be so sucky?? I wanna record videos!!! And I can't. Stupid fancy laptops and their functional programs. XP

( A poem )

A lot of people joke about me being slow, so this time shouldn't come off as a surprise. It literally has just hit me, what I'm about to do entails. The whole moving thing, the harder classes, the being new, everything just crashed onto me all at the same time resulting in a lot of conflicting and powerful emotions warring with each other within my psyche or whatever. I'm not ready. I'm so scared and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm freaking out and the school year hasn't even started yet.

It's these unattractive quirks that make me believe I'm not going to make any real friends in college. I mean, no one wants to be around someone who worries as much as I do. I'm bound to fall for the wrong person. Why should I even try being social when it'll just hurt me somehow? Will I be able to trust anyone? Probably not. I'm not ready to go into the big world. I don't wanna worry about fitting in. I don't want the pressure of forgetting my past relationship so I can move on to better things (namely 'things' that are way smarter than me and make me feel inferior).

I don't know.... I'm afraid. Very afraid. I wish I didn't act so dumb all the time. I wish I had a choice and could be put-together and down to earth and intelligent and witty and perfect. That shit totally would fly in the real world, despite what people say.

God, just be the 30th already. Better yet, fast forward a few months until I've adjusted. Just no more of this sickening feeling.

On another note, love is just a huge shallow crater that, if you trip into it, it'll take you months or years to crawl back out. That is all.

I have taken to drinking bottled water lately... Curious to see if all the health benefits are true or not. While it hasn't done miracles with my skin, it did help my most recent breakout heal quicker. I wonder if it will prevent them or lessen the severity of them as well... In any case it's better than drinking sodas, which I believe makes my skin worse ><

ALso, no visible weight loss either. I'm not trying to lose weight exactly, but I could affort to NOT have an enormous butt because Azn + big booty = genetic fail. But enough of that.

I move in exactly a month. Wait, it gets better. I move to 5th Ave. in a month! I've never felt so psyched, scared, or sheltered in my life. The whole college thing is just so... huge, and every freshman out there is just one person taking on an entirely unfamiliar community. It's overwhelming if you think about it too much.

I keep forgetting to make daily journal entries either here or in my notebook >< Oh well. News... I am completely in love with NYU. The people there are all wierdos, but smart and funny. My kind of people haha. I was a bit upset I wasn't making friends at first, but noticed I wasn't the shyest person there so there's hope for me yet! Also I saw Dariel there which really did ease my tension about being in a new environment.

Though I love the city, I'm not used to it at all. It's a complete 180 from small-town living. I am no longer "the Azn" or "the short person" -- there's always someone more azn or shorter than me! (Not that it's really a bad thing... just that those were what made me, in HS) But Rickens said something along the lines of "don't forget about us", referring to my A-ville friends, and I really don't wanna lose touch with them either. =( But there is definitely room in my heart to love new friends as well.

My time at Summer Orientation was like meeting the love of my life (which people have threatened WILL happen in college... Oh jeez.) If NYU were a person, I'd love him forever, even though he rips me off time to time.

Dorkiness aside, I have to take FIVE chemistry classes in one semester!!! FML

I went to the library yesterday. My sisters got fun novels with colorful pictures and big words and the works. I got a collection of essays and criticisms on Othello. I am too much of a nerd for myself. BUT for Freshman Convocation at least I can present some of those ideas I'm reading about and look smarter than I am. 8D Also printed out a bunch of essays by NYU professors I'm supposed to read. I'll do that on the train Monday. Blehh...

Also hung out with Nikki, Tiff, Kelly, her bro, Isaac, Daphne, and Ana briefly for random times during the day. Thank goodness Tiff drives. @_@

I feel sooooooooo pressed for time! I just went to Asbell's party Sunday. Olivia's is tomorrow, and Tiff's is the day after but I can't go cuz I'm going to Atlantic City. Also missing Mitch's cuz it's on Saturday. And I'll be waking up at 5 AM Monday to get to the city on time (after spending Sunday night traveling back). Arrrrrgh I'm gonna be so washed up or whatever I'll have grocery bags under my eyes. =[

Siiiiiigh me and my complaining... X3

I have to be in the city alone for 3 days straight for my orientation. Ugh I swear it's a plot to have me mugged of whatever pocket money I happen to have on me! Plus mommy's upset she had to pay. I feel a fight coming along between her and my dad over costs and stuff...

Other than that I'm planning to get contacts! I was thinking a turquoise and hopefully that will work out nicely. I'm so tired of my brown eyes. They're flattering on some people though -- some shades are warm. I feel dull with mine. SO I'm getting a change.

Speaking of change, I don't know how I'll respond to the change that's about to happen to me. I mean, I've never moved to another TOWN in my life, how will I react to being all alone somewhere the complete opposite of where I grew up? It's strange and I feel odd not knowing what to expect of myself even though I've known me for almost 20 years... Hmm I'm confusing myself a little now.

My boat trip was today, and it was gloriously ghetto. Mostly because of the music. I wish we could have a DJ with more diverse tastes but hey -- that's our school and that's mainstream music... or something like that...

I still haven't gotten a limo for prom!

I've started my Twilight fanfic: Morning Star. It's on http://fanfiction.net/harleyharlequinade . I like my new penname, it's silly-sounding. =D Anyway I'm just reworking the ending of Breaking Dawn. I have no real plans, it's just a fanfic after all, I'm just going along with it as I write. Heck, I'm not even editing it!

Hmmm I'm thirsty..

My tuition and housing deposits to NYU were just mailed out today.

Also, set up my account with them and got a new email address: kai219@nyu.edu. Sweet =)

At this point I have very mixed emotions about this whole thing. Part of me is scared of starting somewhere new, and is reluctant to leave everything -- my friends, favorite teachers, home town, family -- behind, and can't believe school's ending so soon. The other part can't wait to go to college, make new friends, try new things, and move on to a brand new stage of life. Either way, it's happening so fast and I hardly have the time to stop and prepare myself, whether I want to slow down or not.

On another note, I'm not sure yet if I want to go to prom. It seems like extra hassle and money; then again, my mom always regretted not going to hers. Decisions...

Edit: I just checked, and I've been writing entries on this site since July of 2004! I was only thirteen then! Wow, time flies... and now I feel old!

I finally got a letter back from UPenn. Another rejection. That means all the Ivy League schools have rejected me, and just makes me anticipate going to NYU more. BUT I'm waiting for my dad's okay on it since he's the only one that's going to pay for anything and he's the one with the money.

Another day waiting to file in all my accept/decline stuff for colleges. This cannot be good for me.

And like, hello! I filed my FAFSA ages ago! Why haven't more financial aid offers come in so I can at least know for sure I'm making a fair decision?

Ahhh if only this were the most difficult aspect of college life...

So I went to Philadelphia for the first time today, to check out ( colleges. )

So right now I'm stuck in between NYU and Drexel, basically. I like NYU's LS teaching approach better; I think it is more suited to my strengths since it's writing-intensive, and at Drexel I would recieve a more traditional education, which isn't bad either. What makes me sad is living in Philadelphia means only seeing my family and friends maybe once a month if anything; the drive was really exhausting and it's not something I can will myself to do too often if I have other things going on as well. However Drexel has more of a college-campus-y feel and I think more community sprit instead of the independent-spiritedness I saw at NYU. Both have their pros and cons. I only have about a week to decide. Scary, right?

Okay, so I cut school today, the day after Spring Break. BUT... it was totally worth it, and here's why.

Me, George, Nichole, Daisy, and Kevin went to the city. We hung around the public library for a while, stopped by Times Square for food, etc., pretty uneventful stuff. On our way back we were crossing Queensboro bridge where we saw a film crew filming the car behind them from the back of a truck. So we drove ahead of them and guess who was being filmed?

Christian Bale.

Like seriously. For the new Terminator movie.
He was gorgeous too. So I had a fangirl-y moment because I've had a crush on him since American Psycho.

I swear to God I love New York City so much.

Sooooo despite my iPod being snatched, I decided to start my music collection from scratch. I have a lot of downloading to do... BUT I shall rebuild it for when I get another one (which may be never for all I know...)

So far I have some of my older thrash/death metal stuff, some alternative, grunge, a newfound interest in industrial music, so if anyone else has any suggestions for what to listen to, I'd give it a shot.

NOW yesterday night I had my Spring Break 2009 Rave Party to celebrate both the break and the end of this year's Drama Club. I made a cheesecake which turned out awesome like always and a Coconut Cream Pie that ended up being watery because I ran out of coconut milk and had to substitute with regular milk... Oh well.

The party itself was AWESOME. The lighting and everything went along well and we passed out glowsticks and listened to various types of electronic music =) It was so much fun and I can't wait to throw my next party, except that's gonna be graduation and that'll make me sad...

Had a photoshoot yesterday with Tiffany and Malcolm. Mostly to get headshots for the casting agents and stuff... which reminds me I need to get that done. Right now I believe they are in the process of being edited.

High School Musical coming up next weekend, also! After that, I don't know what I'll be doing with my time. Probably nothing, unless I can find something to do. I'll have new pressures to worry about. I should start writing more. I feel like I've had a rant building up in me.

I want to share the pictures. Is Picasa a good way to go? I already have a photobucket account though, so I'm not sure yet...

Got accepted into Liberal Studies and went today to this information session.

I am liking NYU right now. Just so expensive. But it has a very "city" feel to it which I think goes well with me.

First official college tour I've taken. More to come... taking a trip to Philly, etc.

While reading from the Economist

( Bailing Out Private Student Lenders )

Okay, I'm a nerd but...

I've made my first Million neopoints on Neopets.com~!

Account Type: Millionaire Platinum
Current Balance: 1,001,704 NP
Interest Rate: 10.5% per year
Yearly Interest: 105,178 NP