nobody, not even the rain has such small hands

_awakening @ 2010-06-21T23:43:00

2010-06-22T03:43:12Z

so giddy right now, i am just going to revel in this happy moment.

_awakening @ 2010-06-06T12:53:00

2010-06-06T16:53:43Z

I've abandoned this garden for far too long.

_awakening @ 2010-05-27T12:19:00

2010-05-27T16:19:19Z

All I want to do is eat chocolate, read Neruda, and kiss you.

one year ago

2010-03-24T14:17:15Z

M,

I can't believe it's been a year...I still remember everything. Your smile, your laughter...our kiss that one time. I still have the book you gave me...I read it all the time. Life is so complicated this week, and I wish you were here so I could tell you about it...you always knew what to say. I know you'd tell me to follow my heart...my heart feels just as heavy and broken as yours was. T is engaged to someone else now...I thought you should know. It seems odd, but I guess you would want her to be happy. I haven't seen her in ages, and I wonder how she's doing. I wonder where you are, and if you know i'm writing you this. I wish I could hug you...My birthday is coming up soon. I drank way too much last year...mostly because I missed you, and it was so soon. I promise not to do that this year. Maybe i'll see you one day. Here's to life,

Rae.

_awakening @ 2010-03-16T17:28:00

2010-03-16T21:28:43Z

All I want is for you to realize that you are so worth it...

_awakening @ 2010-02-25T16:58:00

2010-02-25T21:58:54Z

Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.
Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time. Don't give up on me this time.

_awakening @ 2010-02-23T11:23:00

2010-02-23T16:23:28Z

I'm sick. I miss people. I can't make deadlines. People from the past keep haunting me. I love you.

_awakening @ 2009-10-29T13:41:00

2009-10-29T17:54:51Z

Monday night someone died. There is a ghost on Martin Street, and there are gashes in the trees to prove it. I couldn't see for the thick layers of police cars and SBI vans, and it's probably a good thing. I'm drawn to terror it seems. He was running from the police, and he hit a tree. I saw pictures on the news, and the car looked like a crumpled wreath of metal.

The even creepier thing is that I woke up a split second before the crash. I was half conscious, in dreamland purgatory, and as I was drifting into realness, I heard it. It sounded so muffled, because of my dream-dazzled state, that I mistook it for the cat knocking things over in the living room. And then I heard the sirens. One after the other, and other and other. I opened my bedroom door, and Mandi was standing in hers. We gave each other a look, questionable. We decided to walk half the block, before we saw the cars that belonged to the flashing blue and red lights. The air was completely still. Movie-esque.

"Excuse me, sir, what's going on here?"

"I just got here. There's been an accident. You girls should go back to sleep."

Or something like that.

Neither of us could sleep that night. We kept waking and discovering each other in our respective doorways. The event was just so bizarre...I had trouble comprehending.

The next day was foggy. Not how I wanted to start my week, but sometimes I suppose people run into trees with their cars, and if it just happens to be in your neighborhood, what else can you do? The other morning, I drove Andrew and Mandi up the street to look at the tree. It was screaming in pain, begging for cover for it's wounds. I felt very human and very expendable in that moment.

I suppose we all have veins.

_awakening @ 2009-10-22T12:34:00

2009-10-22T16:36:31Z

I am not even sure how to harness what i'm feeling and put it into a text box on the internet. There is a pain in my stomach and I can't label it. My lungs feel heavy. Swine flu? No, perhaps just mel on chol y.

_awakening @ 2009-09-26T19:15:00

2009-09-26T23:15:56Z

I can't get caught up. ever. how does it work, this adulthood working 2 jobs and being in school thing? can i just have a loan plz so i can pay my bills and get my shit done?

_awakening @ 2009-09-09T12:32:00

2009-09-09T16:32:47Z

God, I am sucking at life lately.

_awakening @ 2009-08-20T17:44:00

2009-08-20T21:45:36Z

I can't believe I am even crying about this, other than the fact that everything was A LIE. Never in my life....I hope you are reading this, and I honestly do hope you get help, you sociopath.

_awakening @ 2009-08-17T17:39:00

2009-08-17T21:40:13Z

Sudden burst of self confidence, and I am ignoring him. He said some really awful things to me...why does he deserve the pleasure of my company??? Exactly. I'm just going to bike around and around and around until I'm exhausted.

_awakening @ 2009-07-29T15:43:00

2009-07-29T19:43:27Z

Oakwood, December 2008.

_awakening @ 2009-06-29T14:40:00

2009-06-29T18:44:44Z

Listening to No Doubt's Rock Steady makes me feel in fact steady. Like everything that has happened in the past year has been for something, not nothing. Every situation, every death, I have learned intensely. Self-discovery is one of the most important pieces of life, and I am content with having spent the past two years in this journey.

So many positive vibes here, I can't get over it. So much love and sweetness, every minute of life, I can barely comprehend. Thank you for it all.

_awakening @ 2009-06-25T08:35:00

2009-06-25T12:39:00Z

Moving in 3 weeks, this is going to be epic, the whole packing thing. I have lived in the same place for a while. I'll be happy when I can live somewhere and stay somewhere for 5 years...it seems I move every 2 years. I want a place to settle. I know where that place is, patience, patience. Andrew and Mandi are coming for dinner tonight, they will get to meet Jesse...Nervous.

Ignore, but I still wish good thoughts and send good vibes.

Life Goes On.

2009-05-07T22:21:59Z

Radiohead - Kid A (Remixed by Y P B) from Beatismurder Records on Vimeo.

_awakening @ 2009-04-23T23:58:00

2009-04-24T03:58:27Z

you make me feel so broken.

_awakening @ 2009-04-14T10:39:00

2009-04-14T14:42:52Z

Thank GOD. Kass is flying in from NYC today to see me...I almost cried when she told me. Thank you soul mate, thank you!

_awakening @ 2009-04-08T17:36:00

2009-04-08T21:37:38Z

I've been watching Rodarte's videos on their website of all their shows, starting with Spring 2008. Laura and Kate Mulleavy are my idols. Such amazing clothing.

_awakening @ 2009-04-08T13:54:00

2009-04-08T17:54:26Z

broken.

_awakening @ 2009-04-06T15:25:00

2009-04-06T19:29:51Z

There are so many things I wish that I could tell you. It isn't the right time, and I'm afraid you aren't in the right place to hear them. It's been a month since it all began. One month of complete and total life-changing happiness. I hope that it doesn't ever end.

_awakening @ 2009-04-02T21:36:00

2009-04-03T01:37:40Z

I took this today during a break in the rain. Oakwood Cemetary is up the street from my house...I take walks there often, and my friends say I'm crazy, but it's beautiful inside.

_awakening @ 2009-04-01T18:32:00

2009-04-01T22:33:10Z

I just got punk'd. Happy April Fools' everyone!

_awakening @ 2009-03-30T15:03:00

2009-03-30T19:04:00Z

I am twenty five years old.