nobody, not even the rain has such small hands

_awakening @ 2008-09-04T10:34:00

2008-09-04T14:47:47Z

sunsets on this fire escape will never be re-created. they can almost be compared to sunsets on brooklyn rooftops. i miss the two scenarios equally. "miss" isn't the correct word. "long for" is more appropriate. the sunsets quickly descend into night, and soon we are all lit up by the city, our fingers and toes and noses numb from alcohol and we are all laughing. laughing about everything and nothing, laughing for the past and the future. sometimes if we are lucky, we are holding hands for warmth, sometimes we just have ourselves to keep warm. the night laughs on and on into early morning, and train rides home are all a blur. even when we wake, we are still invincible as ever. this city is intoxicating, like a whirlpool into lust and possibility. the city brings old friends back into the picture as if they never left, it brings out my true self.

whuddit do.

2008-09-03T23:01:53Z

Kristen and Dina

_awakening @ 2008-09-03T16:52:00

2008-09-03T20:54:15Z

new york in 23 days. i am craving the lower east side like a pregnant lady craves pickles. i am craving chilly nights, and someone to spend them with. i am seriously thinking that maybe i'll just stay...it's possible. every time, it's possible.

Mema

2008-09-01T00:56:16Z

Hands flying, she is oddly oblivious to my camera lens, otherwise she would be trying to swat at me with various books/magazines, etc.

new photography

2008-08-29T15:21:54Z

Jen

in short.

2008-08-29T14:29:43Z

i stopped taking my birth control. my body does not like this much right now, but it will get used to it. i'm a bit worried about my pcos being affected by this, but no insurance equals no refil on a prescription in the near future. i'm sorry, but planned parenthood docs freak me the eff out.

I write letters back and forth with a wonderful boy. he's getting his masters in 19th century romantic poetry. (squeeeee!) we write about how words are pregnant, and about stars, and philosophy and various other beautiful things.

_awakening @ 2008-08-23T12:31:00

2008-08-23T16:32:36Z

i'm in richmond right now at corie's house. i don't want to go home. the apartments here are amazing, and everything is within walking distance. i love it. love love love it.

_awakening @ 2008-08-08T16:35:00

2008-08-08T20:35:34Z

lately

2008-08-01T14:30:37Z

so.

hung out with wolf parade at 101 the other night after i was off work. no biggie.

cops on segways downtown? can't take them seriously. at all.

also, i am not going back to school this semester. i know this may come as a shock...but you know what, i'm happy about it.

_awakening @ 2008-07-24T11:05:00

2008-07-24T15:10:04Z

nostalgic for last winter when stephen came from NYC to shoot the christmas parade,
when andrew and i walked past him working on fayetteville street and he kissed my cheek,
when scarves and coats were abundant (we all know how much i love a scarf)
_

nostalgic for september in brooklyn,
walking to pratt cafe with kass,
kissing jon all night long as we walked around midtown,
late nights are everynight, 6 am is bedtime.

_

even a little nostalgic for fall in asheboro.
for my grey thermal when i was skinny and had short blonde hair,
for nights in the darkroom, and the christmas that jorge and i began.

_

i'm moving to boone in 3 weeks or so,
which makes me nostalgic for summers at our cabin in boone,
rock hopping and hikes with my cousins...

it will now be my home for 2 or 3 years, and i cannot wait to be nostalgic for it in the future.

_awakening @ 2008-07-16T16:25:00

2008-07-16T20:26:01Z

josh got his green card.

_awakening @ 2008-06-22T23:16:00

2008-06-23T03:17:21Z

"i don't think you ever really realized how beautiful you are, rachel. i mean everything, your hair, your legs, your eyes...just beautiful. and i mean, maybe it's because we didn't tell you enough, i don't know. but you are BEAUTIFUL."

(PROBABLY THE NICEST THING MY GRANDMOTHER HAS EVER SAID TO ME IN MY LIFE)

sometimes

2008-06-11T17:56:38Z

sometimes i want:

an apartment with a live in boyfriend in the lower east side,
a dog, preferrably a boxer
of course i would still have jack. jack is the master of the universe, he will never die. jack is my cat for those of you who care.

i want to marry that boyfriend, i want a baby in a stroller in green parks in nyc...i want my dream job
as an photo/art director for W magazine...

i want us to live in nyc till we can't stand it anymore...then i want a house on the side of a pacific sea cliff in washington or northern california.

i want snuggles every morning...i want to never fight, only compromise.

i want steadfastness and honor.....

i don't think it's too much of me to ask for some of these things.

_awakening @ 2008-06-11T10:22:00

2008-06-11T14:22:55Z

my bike is finally fixed and ready to ride! i took it around the block this morning...it feels great to be on a bicycle again. especially one that has functioning brakes!

uggh

2008-06-05T14:22:15Z

so 50 counties in north carolina are under a heat advisory today until 8 p.m. tonight. WHAT THE BLAZES?! i hate summer time when it's this hot. i hate sweating. the only time i LIKE sweating is if i'm working out. on wral.com, it says that out temps will be in the upper 90's today, but OF COURSE with the humidity, the heat index will be in the 105 range. it's seriously like the 9th level of hell outside. and it's not even noon yet. god bless america, make it stop!!!!!!!

_awakening @ 2008-06-03T15:05:00

2008-06-03T19:06:47Z

jack

2008-06-01T23:39:17Z

my giant kitty loves our new couch.

_awakening @ 2008-05-23T14:57:00

2008-05-23T18:57:28Z

back to square effing one. i want to shout curse words from the mountaintops.

_awakening @ 2008-05-21T11:03:00

2008-05-21T15:03:51Z

i ordered this from etsy.com yesterday. birds are so great...no wonder i have tattoos of them.

_awakening @ 2008-05-21T10:30:00

2008-05-21T14:30:20Z

did everyone get hit by the effing STUPID TRUCK today??????!!!!!!!!!!!

reminisce

2008-05-19T17:17:02Z

the dictionary widget on my mac's dashboard describes it as a verb, to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events. so, indulge i will. i reminisce a lot about the summer that i lived with dina in the apartment...boylan apartments on hillsborough st, across from saint mary's school. hardwood floors, a bathtub with a shower curtain that went around the whole tub, ancient tile floors. paint peeling off the doors. the kitchen was just big enough for one person to cook in it, and each room in the apartment was painted a different color. i made a lot of mashed potatoes that summer, because i had been working at whole foods market, and was able to bring home copious amounts of vegetables to eat. i made mashed potatoes with fresh chives, mashed potatoes with gouda cheese, mashed potatoes with fresh rosemary. i made them for many different people. i also made a lot of guacamole that summer.

that was the summer of mike. he was living in florida, and we argued a lot because i was meeting so many new people in raleigh, walking down to the jackpot every night, drinking pabst, and walking home happily drunk and smiling. that was the summer where dina taught me how to wax my legs, and that was the summer that i smoked pot every single day. i reminisce often about the purple gray walls in my room, the light that came into my room every morning, and how jack was a kitten then. he was such a charming kitten...always the center of attention any time someone came over. i took lots of polaroids in my room that summer, self portraits, polaroids of my legs with my toenails painted fire-engine red, and i took one polaroid of mike when he came to visit. it was blurry as hell, but you could see his tattoos and he looked so handsome against the purple gray walls of my room.

i reminisce a lot about the night that dannan came to visit. dannan was dina's boyfriend at the time, and he was living at home with his parents for the summer. he was blonde and often shirtless, and i loved them together. a storm rolled in, and the three of us sat on the bench in front of the apartment and watched it roll in, but we had to go inside when the lightning looked close enough to strike us underneath the trees in the front yard.

mike broke up with me that summer. i was sitting on the back patio at helios arranging flower arrangements for dina (she was the manager there) and he called me and i screamed when i heard the words. debbie was standing outside smoking a cigarette and talking to me when he called, and i remember being so heartbroken that i was shaking and crying, and screaming at him through my cell phone. i knew that it was coming, i knew for weeks, but i just couldn't bear to hear it. i called my mom and she came to raleigh immediately, and i remember feeling rushed because i had to go hide all of the pot and the bongs and bowls in the apartment....

that was the one time my mother seemed human to me. she was consoling and i felt like i didn't want to talk to anyone else in the world at that time. she called him a bastard, and she told me that i could do better. and i believed her, i really did. had been saving up a lot of money to go see mike in england for christmas, but we decided to go shopping...so i transferred it all to my checking account, i spent it all in one day. on myself. i bought gucci perfume, and expensive clothes. i went home and my mother left, and i put everything i had that reminded me of mike in a trash bag, and walked to the dumpster and threw it away. it was the most liberating feeling i've ever had in my life.

i kept going to the bar, and i started flirting with boys more, and being myself more. simple concept really, but at that point i learned that i had to be the most important thing in my life. not some stupid idiot boy.

that summer, i swear it, was the best fucking summer of my life. despite everything. if i could go back to any time in my life, i would go back to that summer, to my purple gray walls, and my mashed potatoes.

peeeeek

2008-05-16T16:26:06Z

an omelette that dina made

smooshie perched on a ladder outside our door

jack mauled my face.....BAH

dina driving the tank

_awakening @ 2008-05-13T19:54:00

2008-05-13T23:54:37Z

seriously, don't drive drunk. assholes.

best of craigslist, nyc

2008-05-12T17:39:28Z

who put the dead bird in my mailbox?

a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again

* Location: crown heights
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

_awakening @ 2008-05-06T12:00:00

2008-05-06T16:01:00Z

the boy kissed me. he also wants to hang out with me on thursday for coffee. YEEEEEEEE!