I'm angry.
 

I'm angry that I hinge my self-worth on other people. I thought I stopped doing so when I realise determining my self-worth based on a mother's ultra-critical stance wasn't doing me any good; but somehow, I let myself believe the things you've said -- that at first I was no more pretty than the next plain jane, and later as you back-paddle; "a really beautiful gem". It all happened before -- one day you think you're finally good enough, or even better than enough (he says), and the next day -- hey, someone else is better than you. Hey, in fact, you never were really a gem, it was all just a ruse to make you stand taller, so that the later fall is sharper, harder.

I am angry that I thought I was a better, or even best friend -- but it is getting harder to believe with each step I take, as I drift further apart from friends -- from the people I have come to know as the extended family and/or siblings that I never had. I am angry that friends don't try harder not to drift from me as well.

I am angry that despite the efforts and the overtime, heirachy reigns over knowledge. That someone newly hired would be privvy to more and given more decisive power. Should the new be more experienced and wise, it would be good because in the end, the efforts and time would have paid off and monetary dividends will be on the way, but if the future is void of any opportunities, what hope do I have? And if it weren't for the heirachy, would I be free to contribute ideas, to connect, to build, to expand? Or at the very least, to focus our efforts and re-group?


I am angry at everyone who made me feel better and then deliberately and/or unintentionally made me feel worse. I'm angry at everyone who has overlooked me. I am angry at everyone who brushed me off in favour of someone else.
 

But on the flip side, I am angry at myself.

I am angry at myself and I regret moments that I slip up, moments that could have been used to work harder to be better, to be the best, so that there will be no "better"; no competition. I excuse myself to make myself feel better superficially -- I am busy, I have better things to do, but at the end of the day; I know better -- I am exactly the person I push myself to be -- and I have not pushed myself enough. I know that I can work faster, harder, and more efficiently. I know that I procrastinate, that I laze, that I mis-manage my priorities and time. But despite all the non-efforts, I still think I'm better, I still think I have worth.

It is fruitless then, to measure oneself against any human's opinion, be it an external party or yourself, because in the end, all humans change, all opinions can be coloured and biased. What then, can I measure myself up against, that is constant? Are all humans born with the right to be respected, cherished and loved?

Can you be my constant? Or are you too human?

I refuse to believe that there is no love, just lust.

I refuse to believe that one's impact on the lives of people you love is fleeting and easily replaceable.

But... 社会沦陷。

所以，我这条线，只能画给我自己。

After this massive cough subsides, I vow to:

1) Sleep more

2) Sleep earlier

3) Meet my friends more

4) Play the piano again

5) Stop thinking I can do it all.

Also since it seems like not many are still reading this, I can do the TMI and say: Having an iPhone makes the toilet trips more entertaining!

I wish you didn't live your life so blatantly online for the world to see because I hate that you never even bothered to try that with me in private, let alone in public, and that I stupidly waited two years for anything of the sort to happen.

Since its been eons since my last entry -- I should explain -- I am now working mostly as a Colourist, i.e. it is my job to "photoshop" footages into looking good, or of a certain style, or if your camera guy really fucks it up -- make the footage all match up and not too dark/bright.

My top #10 requests so far from clients:

#10 Something is wrong, I don't really know what, but you can fix it right?
#9 Can you make the rain/haze/smog go away so it will match the sunnier footages?
#8 I didn't have a DP, can you light it better for me?
#7 Make it look like, you know?
#6 Gloss da film up, like its da shit!
#5 Can you make their skin look like an SK2 commercial?
#4 Make it red, like porn.
#3 No wait, red, like a liver, with some green like the bile.
#2 Can I have the Japanese look?
#1 I want the "film" look.

I have spent too little time expressing my thoughts through writing that blogging seems foreign to me... but I do miss the respite it provides from the daily toil of work, of love, of life.

But where do I start?

And because I don't want to repeat these words too many times.

I hate you for opening the door about Jamie with:

"She is as beautiful as Gong Li and Kiera Knightly combined." 

and following up this with a:

"She's the kind of beauty that is nice to look at, the model kind of pretty, you are just normal."

And then explaining to me that you meant "model" as in "tall and lanky" and "normal" as in "versus abnormal", and then telling me that since I have heard your explanation, I shouldn't be feeling bad, and I should learn to see things from your perspective and not give you a hard time with my hurt. I hate you for insisting this right after you tell me "I could afford to be romantic with her because we were young and carefree then, and you are neither." So I don't deserve romance just because I'm not as young, and I have responsibilities that are aside from fucking your best friend?

I hate that you tell me ALL your friends and VJC itself PLUS the VJC choir says the same and therefore I should also think the same and accept the fact. I hate you for telling me how highly your friends think of her, and how well they got along.

I hate that you still sleep with her even though you knew she is sleeping with your best friend and I hate that you could put up with her backstabbing, bitchiness and idiocy just because she is beautiful. You don't even have the backbone to tell your best friends about the evil things she says about them behind their backs, or even the backbone to push her away when she came to you, dripping wet from your best friend's cum.



I hate you for loving her.

Joanne

I hate you for comparing me to your other ex, first telling me that "she is not as short as you," and the adding that "she is a really good writer. Maybe if you are good at writing, you could also go to London to study it."

You know I worked as a writer at SPH, and you know I founded and wrote 90% of the articles on Sinema back in its heyday, I'm a fucking editor in chief for the damn site, and I write every piece of marketing junket there is out there? All you need to go to London to study Literature is money, not talent, and I don't like being put down this way, not as a girlfriend, whether or not she really is a better writer than I am.

And I know you find her beautiful too. And I have admitted that she is. I hate you for not telling me that you guys share the same anniversary as us. It is no longer a special day to me. I hate her for being your first.


Francesca

I hate that you went after her while going after me at the same time, but she got to receive $400 gifts sent all the way to her Australian doorstep, plus the fact that even though she sings barely above a whisper, it was enough for you to go running to her and sit through a god-awful massacre of covers. Not to mention the fact that you fucking WEPT over her leaving Singapore, and was trying to save up enough money to fly yourself over there just to know her BETTER. Is she worth you spending the $1,000 on the tickets, or are you there to find your other Australian lover too?

I hate that you tell me she is pretty because her hair is NATURALLY curly, unlike when I try to curl mine artificially, and that she is MUCH NICER than I am, even though she squanders $1,200 of her parents' hard-earned money every month during her time overseas and declares that $5 a day is as good as "being dead broke and have to eat grass". Is that really a nice person to you?

Why is this girl also so goddamn beautiful to you?

WHY?


I hate you for keeping in touch with her but telling me that you guys have not spoken since you and I got involved. I hate you for telling her that you will DRIVE to her house AT NIGHT to pass her some STUPID STUFF TOY and that you want to STAY TO FUCKING CATCH UP.

I hate you for not allowing me to feel bad about this because you say "I don't mean it when I asked her out". I hate when you fuck with my emotions.


Debbie

I hate that you know that she is a slut who sleeps around and you still find her attractive and in your words "is hot because she is about my size, but skinnier, but with bigger boobs". Fuck you.

Fuck you for liking girls who take photographs of themselves daily using the iPhoto application. People shouldn't be buying Macbooks for this reason and the camera shouldn't be used for this purpose.

You can insult guys for buying Macbooks for cosmetic purposes but you never uttered a single negative word about her. You want to talk about being in a fair relationship?

Yvonne

Only this photograph can do any justice.

WHY? Why is she beautiful to you? And more than me? Even if she is AS pretty as me, why? And why won't you tell me? Why CAN'T you tell me?

I hate you for telling me that my friends only think I look nicer JUST BECAUSE they are my friends, because this means you secretly think they all think like you. I hate you for thinking that I ask my friends only to put you down. Do you care that I need to feel good once in a while?

I hate you for telling me to stop feeling sad because I'm the one who wanted to know the information, I hate you for telling me that I "cannot handle the truth" because I feel hurt by all that you say. I hate you for threatening to break up if I ever brought any of these up again, or feel the pain, or the hurt or the anger. I hate you for not letting me go when I couldn't take feeling this way anymore. I hate that now you say you will "force yourself" to like how I look. Why is it forced? Shouldn't it come naturally? WHY? Why can't you ever explain any of this to me?

And at the end of the day, what hurts me the most is that it is true, I am not as tall as the "model", I am not as nice to you as the Australian, and neither am I thin nor busty. And I hate that you have to tell all this to me this way. I hate you for falling in love with 19-year-olds and for their pseudo-innocent charm.

I hate giving every first time I ever have to you at the ripe old age of 22. I hated that I waited to give it all to someone like you. Nothing is appreciated nor special. You are no longer the best thing that ever happened to me.

So this year I returned to teachering after leaving the hell hole of 24/7 work, and my first student had the SAME NAME as my last two students, and from what I know, has completely no interest in any of the subjects in school, thinks anybody who scores above 60/100 for any subject is "siao" and says she'll be happy just to pass. She also doesn't care about which secondary school she ends up in, as long as it is easy.

This is not that insane, seeing that she routinely fails both English & Maths, but when I finally got her to passing grade, just completely gave up and started to slack off... right in front of me.

"What time is it now?" she'd ask, whilst clutching her touch-screen LG phone with very large blinking time display. This is the kind of psychopath child that you want to kill but can't because although she is totally pushing my buttons by asking that question every GODDAMN twenty minutes, you can't fault her either. But you really want to give child abuse a go when you get asked it 6 times a lesson, every lesson.

And who the hell turns up for lessons WITHOUT books or HOMEWORK, and at the end, sans STATIONERY?! And the best part is -- when I convey this to her dad, he goes "I don't know la, tell her also no use one." So you GIVE UP TOO?!

Because of her attitude I recommend her father send her to me twice a week instead of once, so at least she gets forced to do work twice a week, whether she liked it or not. Then came the complaint about "being tired by extra tuition" and "being made to feel bad". Honestly, what is so difficult to grasp about SPEED = DISTANCE / TIME?!?!?! Why does it take over 8 lessons to grasp, and even more to memorise?!

Its no surprise she tells her dad to stop tuition a week before PSLE because she "prefers to study on her own".
 

Student #2

This is a bright, bright boy and I praised the heavens for letting me have a cute 10-year old who is neat, does his homework and shares cute anecdotes like "I like soccer because I see people play it on TV and then look very happy." 

However, the psychotic ones are his parents, who have him sit through Maths tuition, Science Tuition, English Tuition and English CREATIVE WRITING tuition with different tutors. And his crap English tutor forces him to just memorise phrases like "a tingle down my spine" and "it was a bright and sunny day" and passes that off as proper English Language studies.

Seeing that he is smart, and honestly, in need of some downtime, I prescribe to him Harry Potter's 1st installment -- all he had to do was read it in his own time, do the (manageable) amount of work I've given him and brush up his vocabulary and language skills from there. He was over the moon with the book, and promised to read it once he has the time ("because I got a lot of homework and then sometimes got remedial and the other three tuition and I learn piano also").

Two lessons later the parents fired me, forfeited my pay and told me not to return. The reason? "We don't believe in allowing our son to read outside materials, you should have just concentrated on the textbooks, assessment books and study guides. And Harry Potter is satanic. Your book was thrown away already."

Hey, I bought that book WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT ok. It is the British Kiddy cover version and cost me a good $29.95 from Borders, and I had it from WAY before Potter Mania when I was still Sec 1!!! $29.95 is a lot back then! Damn it.


Sane Student #3

This is a totally last minute tuition job for a sec 3 girl who scores a respectable 33/100 for both English & e.Maths, isn't the brightest bulb around, but at the very least, puts in effort, pays attention, writes legibly and best of all -- LEARNS.

I like her family too -- they're Cantonese and gather round the TV everynight to watch their favourite TV serial whilst discussing it -- all of the mothers (2), fathers (2), grandmother and kids (2). I have no idea how all 7 of them fit into the beautifully clean 4-room flat, but they do it cheerfully. The women are permantly eye-liner-ed and offer you strong tea (yes, finally!), advice on floor tiles and help you negotiate for more pay with the tuition agency.

"So what kind of Japanese anime you like to watch?"

"I like all kinds, I watch like 2 or 3 everyday."

*pause*

"But I don't like the gay kind. Not nice. No violence or romantic thing happen one."

of Anemia!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/chewing-ice/an01278

I never knew that. Now I'm beginning to suspect that either I am anemic, or a hypochondriac.