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i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much
and my scars remind me
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel
drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
im pissed 'cause you came around
why dont you just go home
'cause you channeled all your pain
and i cant help you fix yourself
you're making me insane
all i can say is
i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much
and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel
i tried to help you once
i guess my own advice
i saw you going down
but you never realized
that youre drowning in the water
so i offered you my hand
compassion's in my nature
tonight is our last stand
i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much
and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel
im drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
you shouldnt ever come around
why dont you just go home
cause youre drowning in the water
and i tried to grab your hand
i left my heart open
but you didnt understand
you fix yourself!
i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life
i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life
i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much
and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel
i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much
and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel
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I've stood upon my mountaintop
And shouted at the sky
Walked above the pavement
With my senses amplified
I get this feeling.
All my nerves are naked wires
Tender to the touch
Sometimes super sensitive
But who can care to much?
I get this feeling.
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again.
Each emotional injury
Leaves behind it's mark
Sometimes they come tumbling out
Like shadows in the dark
I get this feeling.
When I think about all I have seen
And I'll I've never seen
When I think about the people
Who have opened up to me
I get this feeling.
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again.
Snow falls deep around my house
And holds the winter light
I've heard the lions hunting
In the Serengeti night
I get this feeling.
Forests turned to factories
And river, sea, and sky
Hungry child in the desert
And the flies that cloud her eyes
I get this feeling.
Pleasure leaves a fingerprint
As surely as mortal pain
In memories they resonate
And echo back again.
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitve again.
Yeah... I've come here for the last week or so, wanting to post... but I never had anything to say. Still don't... hence the lyrics. So much emotion here... it intimidates me, I'm afraid I can't match it because I'm not in enough pain. I donno. I need to get away, I need to get out. Leave this place behind...How do you feel about that?:  exhausted Oh the wonders of music: "Broken" Seether/Amy Lee |
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It has been hours now, sitting here, my mind racing... I wish I knew what to say. My blade so close… and yet it has never seemed so far away. I can’t stop running my hands over the handle, gently caressing the blade… leaving small indents in my skin, but I will never again do anything more. Maybe it is my way to part with an old, dear friend. A friend who’s presence still lingers with me. But one that has now become untouchable, its worth elevated, something more desired then ever before. A friend to test my strength, my will, my honesty. It will never cease to amaze me how such a small inanimate object can hold so much emotion, so much pain, so many memories. I never thought I’d be so dependant on one single thing. I will forever hold those nights dear to me, now more then ever before. Those nights when I would simply lie on the floor crumpled and shaking. Unable to hold a thought… my mind frozen, my body numb, my heart so indrawn that every beat, signifying that it was still alive… that I was still “alive”, bought on so much pain. That agony tore me apart. It is what sent me over the edge, stripped me of my strength. It kept me up for nights on end. The agony took away my laughter, my smiles, my sight, my understanding. Eventually it also seized my tears, my forms of expression… my voice, my will. I wanted to die. But then death was, and always will be. too good for me. Even when I asked for it by name, I was denied. I finally learned to just shut myself down, I could no longer think, my thought process shattered. There were no memories, nothing to visit when I was so scared, lost… alone. Nothing to call upon when the darkness came for me, nothing to remind me of who I once was. Those nights when my isolation left me writhing on the floor. Those nights when I had to turn away from myself, from the screaming of my tortured soul. Turning away from everything to face the darkness, the nothingness, the ear piercing silence. It was then that I would call upon the pain. I needed it, or at least I felt like I did. I needed a slap back to reality, something to bring me back. With one cut, with the splitting of my skin, with the sight of my blood I could feel… I could think… I could remember who I was. And I was no longer the demon I was trying to escape. There were no screams, no taunts, and no cries of pain. Only calm… only peace. I was okay; everything was going to be alright. Suddenly I wasn’t so lost… I had something to return to. I had a release… a solace. And if I cut deeply enough that would last into the next day. It could fuel my fakeness, my lies of happiness. For a long time I never did want to stop. I saw no point… I never told anyone, it only affected me. I don’t think I’ll ever know what stopped me the first time. It just happened…. I didn’t need it, I was okay… the darkness still called my name, but I could still think… and I knew as long as I had that I’d be alright. I’d make it through. And some way, some how I did. I’m not sure what made me hold on through those years. Maybe I always knew, maybe there I was too afraid. Mostly I think there was a small flicker of hope, the little reserve of strength I kept hidden from myself… Knowing that if I did find it, I’d break it down into nothing and then I truly would die. I hope I never do find it… because I’m going to need it to get though this.How do you feel about that?: determined Oh the wonders of music: "Bother" by Slipknot |
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Backround info.... after I got out of the shower and wrote that I made two more cuts with a glass cutter thingy I have. Pretty bad... Anyways, not what I came here to talk about.
I told Julie, I"m glad that I did... Thank you Julie, it means a lot. You really helped me.
I also told Dan... I am not sure if I regret it or not. Holding it in would have been hard... I tried for about 3 hours and I couldn't do it. But god damn I wish I could. He guessed... I always forget how well he knows me. It's so odd to me that he does. Again... not the point. He asked if i had cut, I said 11 times... wait... i'll post the convo... maybe that'd make more sense.
danxtreme5 (12:26:36 AM): Im stayin
aurorafly16 (12:27:16 AM): okay... you might regret it tho...
danxtreme5 (12:27:27 AM): Whys that ?
aurorafly16 (12:27:45 AM): i did a bad thing.... *hides*
danxtreme5 (12:28:16 AM): WHAT !!!
danxtreme5 (12:28:21 AM): WHAT DID U DO !?!?
aurorafly16 (12:29:10 AM): i'm sorry... i just... ahhhh i can't not tell you... i've been trying not to all night, but i feel like that'd be lying to you. and i can't do that either
danxtreme5 (12:30:28 AM): U cut yourself again riight ?
aurorafly16 (12:31:23 AM): 11 times
danxtreme5 (12:31:33 AM):
danxtreme5 (12:31:47 AM): 11 fuckin times !
danxtreme5 (12:32:35 AM): U know what Ima start cutting myself to see whats the big thing with this shit
danxtreme5 (12:33:07 AM): I swear ima start cutting my thighs open just to see how it feels
danxtreme5 (12:33:14 AM): Then Ima take pic's, of them and show u
aurorafly16 (12:33:28 AM): NO DAN!!! no!!! omg please please dont. i'm begging you... no matter how hypocritical that is.
danxtreme5 (12:33:36 AM): U know what Ima take a video of it so u can see it in real time
aurorafly16 (12:33:43 AM): no... please... dan, don't do this... please
danxtreme5 (12:33:44 AM): No fuck that
danxtreme5 (12:33:56 AM): I should cut myself right now
aurorafly16 (12:34:05 AM): no!!!!!!!! omg how can i stop you?
danxtreme5 (12:34:11 AM): U know fuck it I am !
aurorafly16 (12:34:16 AM): my words aren't strong enough
aurorafly16 (12:34:27 AM): dan i'm crying... please... this is killing me... i'm so sorry
danxtreme5 (12:34:28 AM): Your words are hurting me
aurorafly16 (12:34:59 AM): don't do it, no... you can't dan please. forgive me. don't please
danxtreme5 (12:35:21 AM): And thats fucked up u promised
danxtreme5 (12:35:29 AM): U promised that u wouldn't
danxtreme5 (12:35:33 AM): Me *
aurorafly16 (12:35:36 AM): i knew you'd be mad... but please dont
danxtreme5 (12:35:41 AM): I feel so fuckin useless man
aurorafly16 (12:35:46 AM): no, i never promised
danxtreme5 (12:35:55 AM): YES U FUCKIN DID !
aurorafly16 (12:36:02 AM): i wouldn't make a promise i couldn't keep...
danxtreme5 (12:36:10 AM):
danxtreme5 (12:36:39 AM): I have a butcher knife in my hand right now as we speak
aurorafly16 (12:36:52 AM): NO!!!
aurorafly16 (12:37:06 AM): put it down
danxtreme5 (12:37:06 AM): Now where should I cut
aurorafly16 (12:37:16 AM): put that fucking thing down
danxtreme5 (12:37:31 AM): Now Im gona feel what u feel
danxtreme5 (12:37:52 AM): Now Im gona finally find out what this means
danxtreme5 (12:38:36 AM): I never wanted to do this .... my cousin has done this shit and now Im gona find out way
aurorafly16 (12:38:38 AM): STOP!!! what can i do? don't do this
danxtreme5 (12:39:06 AM): Obviously I don;t mean much to you
danxtreme5 (12:39:22 AM): And obviously u don;t care how I feel
aurorafly16 (12:40:06 AM): no dan... you do, you mean so much. that's why this is killing me... i wish i knew what to say to make you stop. dan, please, i can't let you do this.
aurorafly16 (12:40:47 AM): i do care, dan i love you. i wouldn't have told you if you were going to do this. god damnit i wish i knew what to say....
danxtreme5 (12:41:09 AM): I already put the knife down
danxtreme5 (12:42:08 AM): But one day ima find out why you and my cousin cut yourselfs
aurorafly16 (12:43:24 AM): no, never see that day. never do it, ever
danxtreme5 (12:44:20 AM): Well Ima tell u this baby No matter how much I love you If I ever hear about u doin this again consider our friendship terminated
danxtreme5 (12:45:04 AM): This will show me what means more to u ... Cutting ... Or Me
I prmised him later that I would never do it again. He called me, we cried. It fucking tore me apart hearing him say those things. I couldn't even think straight. Thing is he was being 100% honest. He would do it... That's the way it is with him. And he wouldn't just make a whimpy cut, he would masicure his leg. Omg just thinkng about it makes me want to cry, god damn I wish I could. I never knew I could hurt some one so bad. I had no idea... I donno that really woke me up. And then talking to him on the phone. I just thought my cutting was something that grossed people out, that made them uncomftertable, that they veiwed as stupid. And while it does all of that... mostly... it just hurts them. It really does. I never saw that side of it. I never thought anyone would care enough. I donno it really opened my eyes. And while my relationship with Dan is the weirdest relationship I've ever had with someone... and I've only known him for a few months... I guess he knew what I needed. What to do to make me stop. Because I'm done, it's over. Never again. There is no doubt in my mind. I'll die before I break a promise... I never thought I'd be strong enough to make it. Ever. But that feeling I got of seeing him hurt himself in my mind, knowing it was for me, for my stupidity... I've never been so scared. Nothing really tore me apart. I've been through a shitload of pain... But most was loss... This was different. God damn... Dan I"m so so so so sorry. How sorry I am has been the only thing I've been able to think about today. But so everyone knows.... I'm done... It's over. I will never, ever cut again. I don't care if it fucking kills me, I deserve this toment, a million times over.How do you feel about that?:  guilty Oh the wonders of music: "Better Version" By Shinedown |
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I came home today... got into the shower hoping it would wash away my tears that I can no longer shed. I'm not sure how long I stood there... listening to the sound of the water, watching the room fill up with steam. Slightly causing everything to become somewhat hazy... like a troubled dream. Maybe that's why I don't remember what happened... what was going through my mind... I don't remember reaching for the razor... I don't even remember seeing it. I do remember feeling the triple blade sink into my skin... slashing it quickly across my thigh... and seeing the blood come down in small rivers, reminding me of the tears I was shedding earlier. Once the bleeding slowed I did it again and then again... my ocd kicking in and forcing me to have an odd number. It was so oddly beautiful... watching all the blood find it's way down my pale thigh... to my calf... and finially the stream shattered as it reached the water around my feet. Slowly swirling around the drain... lost forever. But the pain remains... the pain that forces me to pay for all my wrongs. Finally I can suffer the same way I, myself have forced people to suffer. Some of this guilt that I live with has been lifted. I wish I knew why I did it... it had been so long. I honestly belived that I was stronger then that. And the guilt that was lifted is now one thousand times worse. Who can I tell?????? Who wont be pissed? Who would still treat me the same? Who would understand.... but not tell anyone? Fuck I feel so alone. Zach maybe... he'll be pissed tho... and he's not coming back until Wedensday night... and I don't want to put that stress on him... and would he tell? Julie would understand... but I don't know her well enough... and I can't pretend to be stong for her if I'm doing this. Ryan would beat himself up, blame himself for not being around for me. I couldn't do that to him... but would that be breaking a promise? Ahhhh but telling him will kill both of us. He'll still love me, or say he will... but omg no I can't put him through that. Dan... Dan'd be pissed... especially after I have just told him that I didn't think I would... and I don't want him to hold that either, he's already done more then enough for me. Irene... no, she'd baby me, give me sympathy. Same with Harrison. But Harrison wouldn't even talk to me about it, it doesn't involve him. Laura... Laura would be good... but she'd make me go see a theripist... not that I blame her, I prob need outside help. I really don't want to go there... havee someone examine me, ask me questions that I never want to answer. I'm the only one who can help myself anyways. Plus I would have to tell my mom... and that'd be hell. I could blame it on my "childhood trama" and she'd do it in a heartbeat... but then I'd have to tell the person I'm seeing... I donno, God damn I donno I feel so lost. I never told anyone before... why do I feel it's so important now? Because before they all had no idea... but since I thought I stopped I became open with it. I never enjoyed hiding it. But now they all think I've stopped too... only I know the truth. Only know that I did it because of a god damned lie. Only I know that I now have 9 new cuts... the smallest being about 4 inches long. None of them are very deep... just enough to bleed. I only think 3 will scar. If they do I will have a total of 34 scars on my legs alone... meaning I'll have to make another one to make it odd... God damnit! Listen to this... It's so fucking childish and pointless... selfish, and hypocritical. Ugh I fucking hate myself. I don't regret the cutting... no, it was the only form of self expression I still have... I can't write... lol duh! Listen to this... what crap. I can't play... my fingers are ready to bleed and I don't want to get that on my guitar. I can't dance... that damn spider bite... No, I don't regret it. I regret the lies I might have to tell... I regret having the people I can't lie to get it out of me. Knowing how fucked I really am. Hating me... I regret this unknown sadness. It wont leave me... it will never leave me... I can only hope that someday it'll fade at least some. I donno.. that was just a very long steam of conciousness... what crap... I'm not even going to read over it, it's not like anyone is reading this anyways.How do you feel about that?:  worried Oh the wonders of music: "In Joy and Sorrow" by HIM |
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May. 13th, 2004 @ 12:10 am
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There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
Never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
So what would you think of me now
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
I never pushed her... I never told her she had to stop... I just tried to be an ear. It was odd how close we were, how close we stayed over the years. But I think what is more odd was how I've never really told anyone. Okay never told anyone at all. I guess I was too ashamed... too sad... too shocked... too weak. I also think people would think it was a "my mom has cancer" situation... like everything with me seems to be tagged as. And that makes me sick... yeah I pretend to be happy... but that doesn't mean that every sad moment is a lie. This is definitly not a lie... This pain... these tears... these sobs that are racking my body. I wish it wasn't so real... Most of all I wish I could have saved her... I don't know how... but I wish so bad. But then again I'm always wishing things... not many come true. Her pain is gone now... I know that feeling that I got when I found out... the stopping of my heart.... the agony that brought me to my knees... that couldn't have been as great as hers... Some people are mad... I'm not... just discusted with myself. And now I'm in hell I kept it in for too long. Danny... my savoir... not that you'll ever read this... but I love you, so much. I know I don't show it but I do, omg I do... so so much. Anyways I'll stop... this isn't saying what I want it to. Maybe I'm stil paranoid that it'll be read... pooHow do you feel about that?: drained Oh the wonders of music: The sound of my sobs... so sad.... |
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So now I have a secret... a place to share my thoughts. lol I wonder how much I'll actully write in this... I hope often, it should be good for me. But it is kinda odd just writing for myself. All well I'm sick of censering myself for the benifit of other people. I don't want to bring them down, I don't want them to confront me, to worry. But most of all I don't want them to know that I'm not as strong as they think I am. I don't want to be babied and I sure as hell don't want sympathy... And also I don't want to be forced to talk about it when I don't want to. I donno maybe I'll find this place more useful then I think. Maybe it will teach me not to be so afraid of my "dark" side, the side I don't tend to show. That I'm too afraid to show. That doesn't always exist... but it always seems to come back. I'm not letting that split scar heal... I ripped off the scab again today... it's getting infected from being opened so much... it hurts... I love it. I love to run my hand over it... feel it swell... I love walking and having my jeans rub against it... sending shocks of pain all up and down my leg. Like finally I can somehow pay for everything I've done wrong. Like maybe if I torture myself enough nobody else will have to suffer... because I can suffer for them. Somehow, some way take away their pain. Make me pay for all the hurt I myself have bestowed... Maybe I like it so much because it is one thing that I can completly control. It's so... pointless... so fucking stupid tho. But for some reason that doesn't change how I feel. And if it gets really infected I might have to take a blade and cut the infection out... and it scares me how much I"m looking forward to that. I've picked all my nails down so far that they're bleeding... typing is a bitch... but at least I can no longer get at this long red scab that contrasts my leg. Maybe I'll let it heal. But I know as I layed curled up on the ground this afternoon... just holding myself as tight as I could... wishing so bad that I could ask someone to take the place of my own arms... I'm just so lost right now. Too stressed.... too moody... and too much is reminding me of Roya... God damn... it really doesn't seem like she's been gone as long as she has... I'm suprised I survived this... I never thought that I would. God damn... listen to me... this is fucking discusting. I'm stopping... maybe soonish I'll have somehting worth while to post... prob not... but maybe.How do you feel about that?:  moody Oh the wonders of music: "Purple Haze" Jimi Hendrix |
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