"i love you also means i love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, i love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, i love you in a way that i love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else."

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I am so upset right now it's ridiculous. Whomever touched my computer last night gave me lists of viruses. And you can bet I'm going to blow up at the boys when they get home. I changed my password so NO one is using my computer until I can get it fixed or until I get money to buy Norton. I am very careful with my computer and I look at nothing but the basics. Which is safe free websites, My space, Face book, Live journal, and my email account sites. The boys seriously fucked my computer anal. Sorry for cursing but I am very upset. I can make a bet it was either Justin or Christian.

On the brighter side. Mikey came down to visit for the weekend, He lives many hours away in Brownsville. Mikey is Brendan's youngest brother. Same mother different father. He is so adorably gorgeous. I love him to death. He didn't want to go back home, I honestly didn't want him to. I made the boys take pictures before he left. Three gorgeous brothers are in the pictures.

Brendan and Puma

tonight was seriously great. Kimmy and Justin picked me up from work and we couldn't think of anything to do besides drive around so Justin was like, "You know what, Lets go some where secluded and gaze at the stars while we talk". I said "Yes lets do that!" as Kimmy was saying "I'll go for that". So we went to Kimmy's aunts house and layed on this wooden thing and just talked.

Honestly it was the best night I've had ever. We talked about everything and anything. From God to our relationships, to childhood, Just Everything. Kimmy's girlfriend called and she was upset that Kimmy was hanging out with me and Justin. Then Sophie called from Rosie's phone telling me to come home so I they took me home.

I am ready to love again. I pray God brings me true love and companionship. Everyone says I have this glow to me and its the shine that God has given me. I give him all the glory of my happiness. Its unbelievable, indescribable and Its amazing. I love this love. I can't wait till I can share it with someone.

At church last Sunday I guess it shined through me. As the worshiping songs came and we greeted our brothers and sisters. I came to Rosie last with a hug, wishing her a happy birthday and an I love you. She whispered in my ear that she was so proud of me and that I shined like the brightest star. It brought me to tears. I said thank you for everything. She's seen me at my worst, she has seen me depressed and sad all the time in my past. She seen me turn to drugs before, looking for an answer. To feel numb instead of sadness.

But I am a new person with a new heart. I am living breathing proof of what God can do for you. I came to God, I cried out to him with all my heart, looking for help. I didn't understand anything, I had little to no faith. But still he saved me in my time of need. And now he has blessed me in everything. He has answered ALL my prayers and I am truly thankful. For I worry about nothing and instead pray for everything.

I pray that everyone feels the way I do when it's their timing. I pray for salvation to every soul on earth.
Praise my God. The Lord of Lords!

I'm just letting everyone know because I'm sure some are concerned. I am going through difficult times in my life lately. Due to these events I deleted my myspace and facebook. I've honestly turned to God. I'm reading the Bible for faith and happiness, going to church. Becoming a better person, because before I was not such a great person. Everything was about me, only me and if anything got in the way it was being plowed down. I'm letting God into my life and I have faith he will fix everything that has gone wrong. I will however always have my live journal because I've had it for so long that I feel at times its the only place I have to write all my feelings...

but right now its too early to list everything to you guys. I'm not strong enough yet. I'm ashamed of myself, my selfishness and everything that it lead to. People keep telling me time will heal. So I'm waiting. but along with this I've said, its been 2 weeks and 1 day since I've had a cigarette. It gets hard at times but I'm getting through this.

Ps. Happy Mother's Day and Happy Birthday to my little girl.

you went and let me down.

It's my Friday. Thank god. I love my days off.
I kind of want to do something fun with Mike for my weekend. Maybe like a walk in the park. something like that. something that involves some activity. But who am I kidding. He won't want to.

mwahaha

If only things would get better. What better means exactly I'm not quiet sure, but none the less "better". I don't know what it is I want to be changed, I'm not able to put my finger on it. I'm pretty certain my feelings are only towards my relationship at this moment. I'm scared to death of marriage, basically. I would get the fear of commitment in the pit of my stomach and turn it down. I'm not worried about the thought of only being with one person my whole life. It's if divorced ever came, because I don't believe in divorce. If you say eternity, you should mean eternity. I wish I could just be inside Mike's thoughts for one day. A day were I get to ask him as many questions. I don't think I'd want to hear all the answers to my questions. What I don't know can't hurt me, right?


I just want to know if hes staying with me until he meets someone knew, someone BETTER, then kicks me to the curb. If so I would be sad. I would become a zombie just like Bella when Edward left her, but worse because Mike would be leaving me for someone else. I just want to know if hes okay with spending his life with me.

I keep having dreams about my little girl. I know its because I miss her terribly. I would consider them nightmares if she wasnt so damn cute. I can't wait to be next to her so I can smell her again. Yes she has this type of three year old infant smell. I can't get enough of. I will miss that when she gets older.

I have work in a few hours.

Me: I need Tampons!
Mike: And you need to go to Dicks.
Me: Yea
Mike: Mommy said not to go out cause of the snow.
Me: We can fuck Dicks, I need tampons!
Mike: (laughs)
Me: (thinking about what I just said, Laughs)


Explaination: "Dicks" is a sporting goods store. http://www.dickssportinggoods.com/

Why have I been needy these past few days. I just don't know. I need to stop it, but I have been feeling like I need something. Like I need him to tell me I'm beautiful every second of the day. I need him to tell me he loves me without having to tell him. I need him. I'm crying. I hate being an emotional girl.

My new camera, Nikon D40. <3 it is serious complete love. And I got my ears pierced.

I'm pretty much obsessed over these two little images. posting them everywhere lol