Ana Divinity

Right,

so how long has it been, like since the summer? well in the past three weeks my life has changed drastically to the point where my my dad has called an immediate family vacation to take place because "emily needs her sister and disneyland".

the drama over the summer is vaguely remeniscient to me now. the guy i was dating then was a total snoop and scanned through my computer and found this journal. he even made a fake msn account and talked to this guy i'd had a thing for back in first year uni. apparently he did all this because he loved me, and yes i kept with the freaky sounding thing becuase i was flattered that he went through so much trouble. but that's no more. three days before christmas...on the phone...he ends it by telling me that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore.

so i'm gone. my heart has been shattered into a million pieces but at least i know that karma will come to get him in the end and at some point in his life when he's at his most vulnerable the same will happen to him. so he can dump me in the midst of depression, breast biopsies, and the apparent "safe time" of christmas, becuase it will come back to him times three.

now i'm tired of typing. good news though. for the first week i was constantly nervous and all i could stomach was watermelon and maybe the occasional cracker. yeah, i missed christmas dinner and breakfast. and with all the running i now do so that i can get to sleep at night my body has svelted back down to the lovely pre-bf one it was in the summer of '04 when i was at my most determined stance. i eat fairly regularly and low-cal now becuase i'm training for marathons, and now i'm starting to loose the energy to run for my usual hour every morning now so i think i'm going to have to up the carbs a bit.

new stats:
current weight: 138 lbs !!
height: 5'11"
highest weight: 150 (a mere three weeks ago)

well off for my run.

em

I'm super pissed right now. I just got a crap mark on one of my english papers. :(:(:(

I also have to start sleeping alone at night now because my bf wants time at his place. we were supposed to go out to dinner but now he's going to a meeting.

i tried to go grocery shopping but was uninterested and just bought the boring basics. i want to revamp myself a bit because i feel really stuck and lost right now.

hopefully i'll perk up.

I'm doing okay.

I'm really stressed right now because my roommates are bitches and my mom is sick. everything is resulting in major stress and anxiety attacks and i have exams coming in less than a week. at least i'll be able to leave soon. i'll have to be leaving my bf but we'll talk and see eachother. i'm so thankful that i have him and he is so great. he lets me crash at his place during the day when he's here and at class because i don't like being in my apartment with my room mates by myself, it just feels so uncomfortable and unwelcoming to me.

he made me breakfast today. french toast. he served me three slices and he had normal syrup not light like i buy.

so, today i think i've consumed

15 cals - coffee
500 cals - french toast breakfast (approx)
250 cals - comfort hot cereal food (the stress is getting to me)

so 765 so far today and it's 4:30pm.

i think i'll make a light sandwich for my dinner tonight, probably about 250 cals or something like it. due to breakfast i'll try and make today a 1,200 cal day.

My mom is really sick. I hadn't told anyone until yesterday when I had to tell my boyfriend. I've been irritable lately at absolutly everything. I feel bad that it happens. I get upset and angry whenever he runs off to be with his friends at the gym or wherever. I just don't want him to go. I got upset, yet again, yesterday when he was making plans with everyone but me it seemed. We started fighting and he started spouting off about how I must not love him and how I must want to leave him because I don't get excited as much about sex and we don't have it half as often as we did when we were first going out. It's true, my body doesn't react the same way it used to. It's not him though. I just have so much on my mind that sex took the backseat. So I broke down and told him. My mom has been hinting at her deminishing health since the beginning of the year but I can tell that it's getting worse and worse. I can tell that they aren't telling me everything but still trying to prepare me. It's like there is some really bad news waiting for me when I get back home from school, they just don't want to burden me with it right before exams.
I can't take anything that I once was just able to put up with. I wish that my roommates would stop being loud late at night and early in the morning. I wish that they'd turn their music down right now because I'm totally freaking out right now and all I want is to drink my coffee in silence. Eating isn't any better. It's way way worse. It seems deeper now. The last couple days food actually tastes just plain and .... I can't explain it. It's like I've left the level of just wanting to constrict what I eat so that I'm skinny. I find myself just wanting cheap thrills and going off to eat a few extra calories later in the day when I know I've only consumed about 400 throughout the day. It used to just be because I wanted my boyfriend to stop worrying about me. I like the attention but I don't want him to just the same. It's not fair that he worry about it when he's trying to do school. Now I eat junkfood late at night mostly because I know I need some more calories. I can't function. I'm tired, grumpy, irritable. I haven't had a full night's rest in weeks.

i've been feeling really depressed lately. I don't know what it is, which is i guess why it's not going away. i cheated on my not ex-boyfriend with my now current one. neither knows. i'm not a cold hearted cheater. i wasn't feeling fulfilled with my last one; my parents liked him more than i did. i liked ryan since last year and i thought about him all summer. when i came up to school i got involved with him and i enjoyed myself more when i was with him than with richard. so when i went back at christmas time i broke things off permanently with richard. so now i'm with ryan and we've met eachother's parents. but now i feel paranoid, like there is some sort of payback coming my way. i cheated. no matter how much i attempt to justify how or why i did it, it doesn't change the fact that i still did it. i know that i should tell ryan, but i can't. he is so important to me, i really do believe that i love him. but everytime he's away from me i fear that he will be seduced by some other girl. he's been doing this group project and he's gone almost all day. it's been going on like this for a week and despite my constant sayings beforehand to myself i always act like...well a total bitch whenever he comes back. i don't know why and it's as if i can't control it.
i've also been feeling really weak lately. like, i lift my arms but they feel heavy. right now i'm lightheaded. i've eaten enough today. coffee, tea, peanut butter, and bread. i even had a bagel and some light cream cheese. and it's a different weak feeling than during the summer when i was only consuming about 500 cals a day as well as burning what i ate everyday.
it is so hard to consume less here. at home my mom doesn't keep bad snackfoods around the house, and our meals are healthy, my mom is a very nutritous person. but here i have to watch people around me eat tons and my room mates often eat bacon and order in pizza. they are fat none the less. not obese, but they have those terrifying tires around their middles.
i think i'm going to have a bath. something....anything to make myself feel better.

damage control:

i was playing cards with my roommates and my boyfriend was using my computer to google stuff. so he types in his search word and my own searching history shows up. his searching word just had to start with p didn't it! so he's sees pro-ana blaring at him and everything hits him all at once. i knew something wasn't quite right that night he saw it because he wanted to just lie in bed and talk. he kept asking me if i had anything about me that he didn't know. i kept saying no because my body image and food issues have been this way for so long that i don't really consider them as topics of discussion. so we go to bed and the next day (yesterday) we're in his car driving and he brings up that he saw my pro-ana search topic. i was like a deer caught in headlights. i quickly blurted out, "oh uh...i did a speech on it". right after i was like craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap, i told him my first lie. he kept persisting that he notices that when i look at myself i'll get a look of disgust across my face (which is true) and that i go to the bathroom a lot (also true but to pee not puke!). i kept pushing the topic away. my mom was getting on to it during the last bit of the summer but she never took action. i'm just not comfortable with someone knowing, even someone as special as him.

but has anyone noticed the lines thier boyfriends use when they realize that you are not eating?

"you can weigh 300 pounds and i'll still feel the same way about you."

....uh no you won't. one i will be a fat pig whore cow who will be eating 24/7, i would smell and also, how can you feel the same way about me when i'm too fat to ride you on top during sex which i know you are crazy about.

i almost gave him that schpeel when he said that to me. guys are such hypocrites. they will sit in a group of guys and say how this girl and that girl are too fat and then turn around and say i'm too skinny because i'm small breasted. i'm not even that small anymore since i came back up to school. i'm 5'11" at 135 lbs. so my hip bones and rib cage protrude just a bit. i like it.

I'm such a pig....more like a hog. Been eating waaaaaaaay too much. I can't control my urge to eat anymore. Even when I'm not hungry I'll munch for no apparent reason.

I keep pictures of my fat fat friend on my walls to make me see what I don't want to be.

It seems evil. But really, it's her own fault anyway.

I know it's stupid to put this, oh well it's my personal journal anyway, but I've been having f*uck loads of sex lately. My room mates don't like it. Rez walls are paper thin and even the quietest moans or squeking of the bed is heard.

I bake to please them. There could be an odd double meaning behind my doing this now that i think about it. I'll bake a dozen muffins and have one, then give the rest away.

I guess I'm trying to make others eat more than me.

Well you know what they say, if you can't beat em', make em' fatter. hehehe

Yesterday:

0 cals ~ water
20 cals ~ black coffee
5 cals ~ orange pekoe tea
50 cals ~ unsweetened applesauce
100 cals? ~ half a boiled chicken breast
90 cals ~ 3 arrowroot crackers

265 total

then went to gym and burned them off

i stopped paying attention to what i was eating over the holidays (so typical i know) and i know i gained weight. i worked out a bit but i was seeing some terrifying changes. two nights ago my boyfriend and i were going to sleep and he sort of commented on some strategies at the gym that burn more. so i decided that i'm back. those self magazine articles about eating over 1200 cals a day are total bullshit. i don't care if a nutritionist studied it, i lost a shitload (pardon my french) of weight over the summer when i was following my strict regemin of nothing to eat.

my hardest part is the hunger pains. i was so pro over the summer on dealing with them. oh well, no more yo yo ing for me, i'm eating small and staying small from now on!

em

Officially struck.

I just got a job at as a seasonal sales rep. at my absolute fav. clothing store Jacobs Connection. I am 140 lbs and 5'11" now. I've been able to stay at 29 jeans but I still feel huge!!!! I think that I've gained weight but my clothes are just stretching out so I don't take account of staying the same size. Anyway, I HAVE to be skinny for this job! I mean, they expect you to wear the clothes and make them look AMAZING! So I'm just going to keep myself busy with studying for exams so that I can TRY and control what I eat.

~500 cals burned at gym~

100 cals - soy milk cocoa
80 cals - 2 rice cakes

50 cals - half a grapefruit

100 cals - soup
120 cals - 10 unsalted crackers


And that's that. I'm having a really hard time right now because my boyfriend is beginning to realize that I don't eat much. And that what I do eat is low fat, unsalted, half sweet blah blah blah. He took me out to dinner yesterday and I could just tell that he was watching everything I did. I know he cares but I'm still healthy, it's not like I'm wasting away! So I ordered penne alfreado! Slowly I ate away at it but every bite I just wanted to spew back up. I kept incessively drinking water inbetween bites and so by the time he was done I was able to have only eaten a little under 3/4 of it.

I just don't know what to do about him though. I appreciate that he pays attention to that sort of stuff, most 20 year olds wouldn't notice, but I like how i do things and what I do eat is healthy and very balanced. This should be interesting. Does anyone else have this problem? Most would have trouble with parents I guess but my dad doesn't pay attention and my mom appreciates that I want to be skinny anyway.

blaaaaaaaah, it's snowing!!!!! and it's only the middle of october!!!!

Eaten today:

steamed soy milk cocoa ~~~~~ 100 cals
3 homemade lowfat cookies ~~~~~ est. 120 cals

1 apple ~~~~~ 80 cals

damn. shouldn't have had the cookies. They are these oatmeal raisen ones that my mom made and altered using apple sauce instead of butter and splenda instead of real sugar and all that. So really they aren't that bad.

Time to chug water. Hopefully I'll be able to suck up the coldness and get to the gym tonight.

Emily

Here are today's stats so far (up until 5:30 pm)

~~~500 cals burned at gym~~~~

1 grapefruit ~~~~ 102 cals
tea

1 whole egg ~~~~ 80 cals
1 egg white ~~~~ 20 cals
1 carb smart tortilla ~~~~ 90 cals
raw veggies ~~~~ 30 cals
hummus ~~~~ 50 cals

tea

total cals consumed: 372

That's it so far. I drink orange pekoe tea. I don't know if it has calories or whatnot. I'll probably have some steamed soy milk (70 cals per cup) or a frozen yogurt cup (50 cals). That's later though. A great big weight feels as if it has been lifted off my chest already.

My friends say that it's unhealthy to obsess over what I eat because I'm already skinny. But when I eat like they do I'm not happy. So how is that healthy? Is it wrong to enjoy having a little control over one small part of my life? I eat enough to keep me going, and I'm happy. I'm happy when I look in the mirror and try on my clothes.

Emily

I need control over how I eat and exercise again. Everything else is feeling out of control. I'm being totally emotionally abused by guys. One: a guy that told me that I was his world, now ignores me and flaunts other girls with him in front of me. I've almost broken down into tears because of it twice now. I told him that I have problems with eating and that I had a fear of becoming fat. I told him everything because I trusted him and now he just spits it back in my face.
The other guy is my fuck-buddy. I shouldn't have made the agreement. I feel totally stuck in it now. He is only nice to me when he's drunk and wants some. Other than that he doesn't give me the slightest bit of attention.
There is someone who knows my problems, I'm being used for sex, and Biology is just slautering me.

I'm tired of trying to rely on other people to make me happy. I tried. It didn't work. I was at my happiest over the summer when I restricted what I ate and worked out all the time. I loved myself when I started to drop the pounds and felt ecstatically happy whenever I went shopping and realized that I was down a size since the last time.

So I am back.

The calorie chart is up again and the calculator is out. I'm back to making myself happy just as I know how.

Off to the gym!

Emily

Wednsdays are always really hard. I usually go to the gym around 8:30 at night and exercise until it closes at 10. But on Wednsdays I have a bio lab from 6:30 to 9:20. I've pre-done as much of my bio lab as I can but it's long and I want to get in and out of there as fast as I can so I can get to the gym and burn off what I've eaten today!!!! **tear**

As anyone who has read the last few segments of my journal knows, I fell off the bandwagon, in a matter of words, and was eating normally and not having time to get to the gym everyday like I did during the summer. But the countdown to going home has begun and I don't want my bf seeing me again looking like a total heffer. 10 days!!!!

Cals consumed:

250 cals ~~~~~ breakfast burrito (tortilla (175), hummus (25), eggwhites omelette (50)
50 cals ~~~~~ Yerba Matte green tea (overestimation I don't even think there are any cals)

60 cals ~~~~~ yogurt
100 cals ~~~~~ apple
100 cals ~~~~~ veggies
100 cals ~~~~~ hummus


total cals conumed : 660 cals


I only have one more of the 175 cal tortilla shells thank goodness!!! The new ones I just bought at the grocery store are 114 cals each so that's a little better. I'm addicted to hummus too, it's only 25 cals per tablespoon and it makes the mundain foods taste just that much better.


The scale at the gym is confusing me, it says that I'm 140 but I know I HAVE to be over that. I wasn't even at 140 lbs before I left home...but that was also a different scale. It's all so confusing!!!! I'm just going to tabulate what I eat and run it off as much as I can and then I'll weigh myself on the scale back home. At least then it's the same one.

I'm going to start upping my calcium consumage also. I read in the new SELF that it can aid in weight loss around the stomach area (lol, with the help of crunches of course). So I have skim milk and really good low cal yogurt. I like milk products anyway so it works.

Studying a Petrarch sonnet by Howard (Earl of Surrey) in one of my englishes.
I have dubbed Sonnet 164 "Ana"

~
vegghio, penso, ardo, piago
~
I am awake, I think, I burn, I weep
~


~
mia dolce pena: guerra e 'l mio stato, d'ira e di duol piena
~
my sweet pain: war is my state, full of sorrow and suffering
~


~~~~and the best line of all for all the mias out there~~~
'l dolce et l'amaro ond 'oi mi pasco
una man sola mi risana et punge
~
the sweet and the bitter on which I feed:
one hand alone heals me
~


~
tanto da la salute mia son lunge
~
so distant am I from health
~




I officially am in love with the italian language!
Emily

I just burned 900 cals at the gym and finished my essay and bio lab. hectic life right now. the cals burned kicks ass, I spent an hour and a half at the gym. But I comsumed about 1,700 cals today through food. I have an addiction to eating a muffin in the morning so that's about 300 cals down pat before noon. I'm working on it though. I have 10 more days until I go home to visit my family and boyfriend. And most importantly, go SHOPPING!!!! I don't want to be all BIG for when I'm shopping.

Ta!
Em

Major problem!!!

Since I've been back at school I've been eating normally and not been able to hit the gym at all!!!! I can feel all that I've gained back and it's killing me!!! My stomach is no longer as flat, but at least I can still see my rib cage. The scale at the gym is totally off kilter. It weighs like 10 lbs lighter, I know this because there is not way that I'm at 140 lbs right now. I swear I've gone back up to 150 lbs since I've been back at school. So the tabulating and restriction is beginning once more!!!! I tried it a few days back and again yesterday and it just didn't work!!!!!

Help me out here people!!!! I'm almost over the edge and I just keep eating!!!!!

Em

Learning about metabolism in Bio101. Life is sweet. Finally getting tested on something I know a lot about already.

oh my GODDDDD!!!!!

So mad at myself!!!

Last night was a total party night, I had fun but I work up and had such a case of the carb munchies.

This is what I've scarfed down so far today:

281-----bagel
240-----lots of light cream cheese
100-----big glass orange juice

arg!!!!!!!!! so let's say that's about 650cals consumed. damn it!!!!! such a major binge.

i'm going to the gym in an hour or so to burn that off. i want to keep my body looking top shape for the guys here!!!!!

Oh my wandering eyes!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just gotten back up to living in rez, so yay!!!! First party of the year and my guy friends are all telling me how totally hot I am (compared to the whale sized girls that go to my university). And of course I'm flirting and enjoying myself (what harm can be done right????)

So basically, I'm back at school, away from my bf whom sort of annoys me, and I've just agreed to be one of my guy friends fuck buddies. I've had my eye on him all last year and we were talking online a few nights ago and we just agreed to.

He doesn't know that I'm dating someone back home. I don't even really want to be dating the person back home. We've agreed to be just 'friends with benefits'. But what happens if my bf from home comes to visit???? And inevitably, if I'm fooling around with this guy all year I'm going to feel a slight attachment come 8 months from now when it's time for me to go back to Vancouver and probably never come back up to this school again.

My heart and soul are going to get broken...and I don't feel like doing anything to prevent it.

Oh well, I'm still skinny as ever. I love running my fingers over my rib cage and hip bones. Everymorning I wake up and do this and then look at myself sideways in the mirror. It's such a natural high in the morning.

I'll keep ya'll posted on this dating/f-ing dilemma.

Em

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