she may not be beautiful

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 01:07:01 GMT

oh shit i havent updated thisd in forever.
i got pregnant and now im even fatter.
life sucks.
lets all not eat together, cause you guys are fat too.

fast anyone???

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:56:36 GMT

oh man.
i just ran from 6th E 1st S (where i live) to 7th E and 21 S and back.
someone once said 10 city blocks = 1 mile.
so thats like 4 miles.

i'm dying!

but i figure if i do this everyday, and keep up my eatting habbits (or lack there of) i'll be able to drop at LEAST 30 by the end of May. thats 10 pounds per month.

CW-162
LW-97
Shorterm GW- 132
Longterm GW- 110
Ultimate GW- 90-

fucking fat asses. please stop eatting.
i hate fat people. they break my shit.

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 18:46:46 GMT

i ate more yesterday than i've ever ate in my life.
and then i threw it all up.
it was amazing. but i feel like a lard.
i hate me.
someone please help me.
i am out
of
con-
trol.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 20:51:11 GMT

uhm yeah. the past couple of days haven't been the greatest.
wednesday i didn't eat all day, and then i was like fuck i'm hungry so my boyfriend and i went to wendys and i got a hamburger and fries, AND a dr. pepper.
yesterday it was my boyfriends birthday so we went to olivegarden, and i had a little pizza thing and too many breadsticks.
and then today, and it's only 2pm, i've had a bowl of raisan brain, a wheat bagle w/ cream cheese, and pretzals.
guess who won't be eating the rest of the day.
sdfjsfkj.

my boyfriend keeps asking about what we'll be eating on our way down to arizona. why can't we just not eat. why do i feel i have to eat when i'm around him. he doesn't care if i don't eat, in fact he adores the fact that one day i may be breakable. but i'm not. i'm fat. every last inch of my body is covered in fat.
God, take it away.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 20:40:58 GMT

.this girl is my fucking thinspiration.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 14:16:51 GMT

maybe if i never eat again, i'll disappear. and if i disapear, then my problems will disappear too.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 15:45:09 GMT

allow me to introduce myself, officially.

5 years ago, i was diagnosed anorexic. my whole life i got made fun of for being fat. in 8th grade i decided i hated it and wouldn't take it anymore. i restricted to one meal a day. and then restricted to one bowl of cereal a day. in that 6 months of bliss during 8th grade, i went from 162 pounds, to about 110. over the summer i would run 8-12 miles a day, and my caloric intake was 5 pretzal nuggets (50 calories) and a glass of orange juice so i wouldn't pass out. i was extremly determined and had so much will power. at my lowest i was 97 pounds.

in september, i discovered food again, and went crazy. and i'm now 19. i have gained every last pound and more back. although i'm much taller now, so i can pass as 'fine' but i don't want to be fine. i'd now describe myself as ed-nos. i purge more than anything. but i don't do it all the time. i will ocassionaly fast, but rarely. when i look in the mirror though... thats when i miss my ana.

i'm addicted to diet pills, diet soda, and water. when i do actually get up off my fat ass, i allow myself to become addicted to exercize. and i'm coming back.

thats me. new friends are encourgeing.

HW - 162
LW - 97
CW - 162
next month - 150
eventually - 100 or less

i want to be free again. i want to be weightless, and people be worried about me because i'm so tiny. i want my boyfriend to fear touching me because he may think i break.
i want to break.

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 16:24:41 GMT

people don't understand. just because i'm not a size 1, it doesn't mean i don't struggle. when i was 14, and was my beautiful size 00, and first started putting weight on, people would say how i was looking healthy again. but we both knew they were saying was ' wow blair you're getting fat you might want to stop ... ' but the thing is, in the life of me, i either don't eat or i compusivly overeat. niether of which are healthy, but i can't control it.
when i look in the mirror and i see fat. i see fat from underneath my arms. fat from my gigantic stomach. fat from my thunderous thighs. fat from my arms. fat everywhere. it doesn't do anything. i just go throw up. i throw everything up. i pray for the courage to stick my finger farther down my throat. for the toothbrush to choke me just a little bit more. anorexia isn't a battle only thin people fight. and overeatting isn't just a battle 'obease' people fight.

sorry to ramble.
/x/

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 05:18:59 GMT

so for the past couple of weeks i've had no appitite. i've simply eatten because i was bored ; or of the sort, and when i did it : it was complete crap. some how i've managed to keep the 13 off. well everyones mentioned how "blair you've lost weight" since i've got home and i've come to the following conclusion :

i've lost weight because i'm under stress. granted i'm a fat tub of lard, so i'm glad, but what a horrible thing to say "you look great!" when the person feels like shit.

so from now i'm not going to metion weight. i don't want to tell someone whose starving themselves "hey you look great!" and them continue to starve themselves. or to the person who just lost someone to death, "hey have you lost weight" And them say yeah.
so anyways.

13 pounds - a million more to go!

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 17:45:01 GMT

oh my life. i'm convinced stress means little to no appetite. the past nearly 2 weeks have been awful. for 6 days however i didn't eat! yeah, pretty freaking amazing. the thought of food made me want to barf, and quite frankly still does. i eat a little now and then now, but everytime i eat i get full so quickly, to the point i'm getting sick.
i love this feeling.i haven't had it in forever.
oh ana, you are mine again!
Y

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 03:17:32 GMT

ana and i are becoming friends again. i'm really excited.
i'm going to be doing the threeweek diet/fast. which will be nice.
however to cleanse myself and me back, i'm going to start out just fasting.
i haven't fasted in years! i hope i make it, and can look at the longer run
which would be thinness and happiness, rather than hungerpains, headaches,etc.

fast : no actual length, i don't want to dissapoint myself, or end when i can keep going.
one bowl chicken broth: when i -must- eat
diet coke, water, green tea, acceptable only first day, and when experience extreme pains.

how quick do you think i'll loose the weight at first? i'm 160 now :/

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 19:32:59 GMT

somedays i want to commit suicide.
what's the point of living anymore.
isn't the whole reason for killing yourself, because you have no reason to go on?

sometimes i'm reminded how much of a hypocritical SLUT i am.
i hate me.
i hate my fucking addictions.
i wish i would die.

i hate what i've made myself become.

Y

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 17:04:16 GMT

wow. i haven't updated this journal in a long time it seems.
i'm actually doing a report on anorexia/bulemia/obesity/etc for an eating disorder class i'm in.
anyone want to write me your own personal experience in poetry/photo/etc?
i'll give credit.
-blair

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 22:04:32 GMT

i always am convinced that "this time i mean it" this time "i'm not eatting.."

i'm such a fat oink, someone help me.... motivate me.