Frenetic Struggles of the Burning Amaranth

So.. YEY

Who else was taxed like a bitch this year? Woah. I thought I'd get at least $1,000 back.. Apparently not.

And I was so excited. :(

...I had to pay my rent back last year too, which meant I saw none of it. Sure, this is me complaining. Still.

I found this lovely message from Jayd on my pillow saying wonderful things and I've been trying to call her but she isn't responsive.

I hope I didn't get her sick! :/

What else.. O, I finally got an avatar which somewhat could be me... haa haa haa..



I can't successfully finish level 70 of Frozen Bubble..

O, and I'm back in Brisbane, almost healthy too, let us know what the G.O is concerning events.

...I've just reached lvl 70 in frozen bubble...Just thought I'd let you; (the important underground people running the world) know..

I know that this exclamation of my abilities is a tiny bit sad, so know- I did do some weeding today and readied a garden bed

...Frozen Bubble is so cool.

-OK

So I am still ill, but now I'm up at Cooran. I really, really, really don't want to live here yet. DO NOT WANT!

I have had 2 offers to stay with people which has brightened my spirits somewhat, but am still up in the air about what the hell I'm going to do moving wise.

Still, I have two weeks.

I watched Hot Fuzz last night, I thought I hadn't seen it, but I had.. It's so great.

And I'm eating well again, which is great too, because being starving has no benefits at all.

I can't wait for Aroma's meet this Friday. Hooray, things.

Wow.

I'm not moving to Toowong anymore, as Laurel's parents are now going to sell the house.

I have 2 weeks to move from Toowong, and I am out of my room at Wooloowin come Sunday.

:D

Ahahahahahahhaha..

I've done all the crying in the world I can do for now.

So, who has a place I can stay at LONG TERM?

I cannot pay any more than $110 a week, I haven't got a full time job. I work nights currently, so I will be out of the way quite a lot. I'd like to live with someone I know, but whatever. I don't care anymore.

I am an artist and I paint, so if you've got space for that I would be happier.

You can contact me on 0400 501 067 or greentoastwithjam at gmail dot com


If I can't find somewhere to move I'm going to move away to Cooran.

HEY UNIVERSE, YOU MISSED ME! TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!

Tell me, how is one supposed to feel when life shits on them and the only person who they think would understand winds up rejecting them as their friend?

I woke up babies with my sobbing on the way home.

Sometimes, I wish my heart would just stop. It hurts so much, and it won't stop. The pain never stops for longer than a day.

Then it's all back to square one and I fall, helplessly down the hole I should have never tried to scramble back up again.

- On a happier note, I can depend on Fee, Candice and Liz to give me a boost when life makes me want to die. Thank you for your companionship.

This journey I've been on, it all started on Monday last week. Appropriately enough, it's ended today. The 19th August.

I am sick now, with a sore throat from smoking and wind chill and stress. A good indication of just how much shit I had flying around my head and blocking my life.

The week has been full of self discovery. Or re-discovery, if I am to be honest. I don't feel a fool though, I feel calm about the distance I travelled down the wrong path, the lesson is learned.

Last year I found myself unsure of where to go and with deep insecurities found myself attracted to my own negativity. Interesting to note how this happened at the Toowong Manor, and that the resolution was gleaned there also.

So now on the path, I stare around me in hopes of finding something I want to do, but I do not. This is strangely unnerving.

I've had some rather peculiar experiences over the last few days. At one point I thought that my mother and father were me talking to myself, especially while trying to shift my furniture. Just after the realisation I was hit with an incredible amount of energy, pulsing through my body of which I calmly sat through with awe, as I have never been able to conjure it myself, I believe that it is something that is given to me from time to time.

Just on Thursday I saw a young lad on the train as I walked past him, acknowledging him with my eyes he did a trick and appeared sitting in front of me after I had sat down. I offered him counsel, as he was so jumpy and of course he thought I was interested in dating him. After clearing up the matter he followed me off the train, saying he stayed on just to talk to me. He asked for a hug, and I gave that to him, I felt my energy trickle into him and vibrate through his body. He was a-gush with gratitude, suggesting that 'I' gave him great hugs.

All I could do was smile sadly, for the knowledge that he was kept in the dark. I felt compelled to keep my mouth shut. All of Friday the boy desperately tried to get my attention with phone calls and offers of drinks, but I couldn't bear to lead him to a false end so I declined.

Earlier in my years, when such things occurred I panicked and thought I was wicked for casting a spell over whoever it was I had touched, but now with guidance from a certain lion, I am able to accept that I am not the cause for people's feelings.

Friday night I walked proudly as myself, downed alcohol without fear and was surprised to notice people paying attention to me. Michael arrived and as soon as I embraced him I felt the fear and insecurity rise up within myself, I felt sick to my stomach. I knew it was time to leave, as for months I had shed tears and gathered the courage to face myself.

With hesitation, but with the knowledge that I was not admitting defeat I calmly explained to Michael that I could not be with him any more as my path lied elsewhere and I needed to move on. He of course, took this to mean that I didn't love him and negatively stormed off, causing me to have a crappy panic attack upstairs, with doubt rearing it's head. But I have done it, I have vomited up my true feelings.

I was swimming in fear and bolted from the room to sit outside with a cigarette and feel the cold air sting. Wherein a strange occurance developed. A young lion approached me and asked for a light. I offered her my cigarette and she sat down beside me. Delirious with booze she talked of not feeling sorry for myself and said that I was a good person, she protected me from the cold wind and offered me her hand. She said that I was amazing, that I was what she wanted, she said wow a great deal. She proclaimed that she would do anything for me. She even saw something a little way a ways and scared asked me if I did which I replied with "not at the moment".

I laughed, the kind of mad laughter you can only have when things fall into place. She laughed with me, we sat, kissed, looked at each other. She told me she worked in a bottle shop, more laugher as I stated that so did I. She said she liked Nirvana, she said she was a musician, she was so wonderful, so free. We exchanged numbers. She clawed at me a little and I had the confidence to tell her to stop. She apologised knowingly. I met her friends, they begged me to call her.

So far commitments are in the way, but life will let me know what is to be.

I talk of her, because deep down I have always wanted to be with a Leo, and have tried in the past to woo one to me. I raced upstairs to tell him and he giggled with me with delight over my discovery. I have always wanted a Leo because I have always wanted to have their humble confidence and pride.

When I found my own, I realised this.

Saturday night it was evident that a friend and I were on a different plane. I could see her but I could not touch her, however much I tried to let her know with a book, some strawberries that she is special to me, and that I am there for her. I wait in earnest for her approach, but am aware that time is needed here. I am comfortable with the situation finally.

I dressed for a cocktail occasion. Green gifts of costume and lacy black overdress. I pampered my glowing mane and with edibles and the makings of a Grasshopper Assassin I waltzed from the manor into the cool night.

I was patient when the bus didn't show up. I sat in the cold, shivering slightly and thought of my interesting week. When it finally came I jumped on, the universe broke the glass in my bag, I sat and rescued someone's lost purse from the seat in front, returning it to the thankful driver. I continued on to the party.

At the party I swayed from shy to confident like a yo-yo. We played some Croquet. I am keen to try that again, with less power hungry energy around me. I made my drink, drank it slowly to savour the poison. A cap 1/3 Peppermint Liqueur, 3 caps vanilla vodka, 2 caps vodka and milk. Dash more peppermint liqueur and you have yourself the potent part of the milk based potion. The glass added the touch I needed to be the assassin for the night. Milk disguising the intent of the drink.

We played with fire. A Young Prince eagerly started the game with a fire staff and I eagerly asked to play. After some practice I set myself on fire, and with no alarm patted myself of it, it burned an awesome pattern on my dress. Some cheering and I was asked to do it again. I did, but I got burnt as well, lesson gleaned again. I have never felt so in control of my own body before. It was curious.

A friend got smashed on Tequila, Midori and green assassin and later on we sat with a candle, talked philosophy and I was given a growing sense of purpose. The Fair King pronounced me as special, he couldn't quite put his finger on it but he was gifted with insightful speech at such a gregarious time. I feel so honoured for his counsel.

Tarot cards appeared in my hand, gifted from the man of the hour; Damien our honest, balanced leader. A shuffle and the Fair One amazed me with deep knowledge of my life. The cards were spread, tossed, reshuffled and with quick accuracy explained.

I have never had such a frenetic reading before. Alas, a friend uncomfortable with the situation left us to sit and wax with the candle some more. Some guidance from the Shy Queen, which was much needed and respected and then by the fire we sat and unwound while the Fair One vomited off his worry beside me.

My books and things where they need to be I am feeling at peace.

I am sitting around Wooloowin Abode with 2 shirts, 2 jackets, a brown and black pair of pants, 2 books and the contents of my bag. There is also the "Pink Floyd Back Catalogue" on the wall and my blue bedding. I have make-up but I do not wish to use it. I have hair dye, but again have no need for it. I've got chocolate milk and food and strepsils but I am hardly touching anything. Though now I am making myself eat a bowl of the pasta.

I cooked last night, but I ate 4 mouthfuls and was full. There is a massive plate of pasta in the fridge, I drink water because the alcohol tastes like poison once again.

The pants I wear are giving me an odd rash. The wind chill from Friday night is evident on my back and legs. My socks itch my feet, yet I need them to survive, to bear the cold. I resumed biting my fingernails.

I feel strongly the need to purge things from my life, starting with these pants when I am able to get into another pair! I have been dry retching occasionally, which only makes me feel like I have got to rid myself of something.

The house wakes me up less now, but I still can't concentrate with the noise upstairs. I started to finally get into reading The Illuminati Trilogy but could not for my thoughts were elsewhere and the noise was hard to block out. I remembered an occurance last year that was because of my need to feel special that resulted in a shit storm and I let those needing to know that I miss them.

I don't know what is going on with me, but it's clear I need out of this house.

I am now going to go for a walk.

Shape of My Heart

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

Sting

Father and brother
Are two different men
one genius

Previously I had no time for them
Previously there were life lessons in the way of things

But you can see that I try
you can see that I am not absent of heart
I am trying to tell them apart
I am trying to love equally

Men closer alike then they know
Cause father is joining the survivalist show
brother is an esteemed gentlemen of the club
Talks to my father about his brand of love

Father
He listens to him
Sees what by brother sees in our men
And poor father, he gets swept away
Brother shows father the old fashioned way

To kill
Kill the threats of the future
Kill, kill for love and adventure
Kill, kill, protect and to serve
It's so absurd

father and brother
Two similar men
Fighting for peace
Time and again

father and brother
Preserving the clan
Michael
Angel of men

clairece

I now like nirvana.

ch cH CH CHH CHANGES!

Oh yeah
Mm
Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I cant trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

http://www.okcupid.com/the-psychologist-game/

Tis exciting

http://econews.org.au/peak-energy-and-limits-to-growth/

Dad wrote a new article which landed a spot on econews.

Awesome.

You know what..

If you actually don't want to help me, you say you do but you can't..

I understand

You have my permission to - just be supportive

I have been hurting myself by covering up my past, by fretting over things that are of no need and of no importance

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm going to work now.

It's been the most dramatic day.

The titanic movie has nothing on my epic fail.

Note to self:- don't have a wobbly at the registers. Also, stay away from the psychology major supervisor.

OMG, the white coats are coming!

..Also, never ever cry in front of new supervisor boss. Scary and shameful!

Hardly Wait

I can hardly wait

It's been so long
I've lost my taste
Say angel come
Say lick my face
Let fall your dreams
I'll play the part
I'll open this mouth wide
Eat your heart

I can hardly wait

Lips cracked, dry
Toungue blue burst
Say angel come
Say lick my thirst
It's been so long
I've lost my taste
Here Romeo
Make my world as great

In my glass coffin
I'm waiting

- Juliette Lewis

OK. Life's okay.

I did something on Friday I hope I wont regret.

I asked to speak to my boss. She didn't get back to me that day, but on Saturday I went up to her just to ask if anything was wrong since I caught her staring at me and she made time for me to talk to her on the spot.

I told her how I had felt passed over, how I had worked so hard to achieve so little and that maybe it was time for me to either transfer or resign. She asked if I was happy working here and I said that I just didn't feel like I was being appreciated.

She offered me an ultimatum that took me by surprise. She asked first what I had just studied, and I told her, not for the first time that I had just finished my Liquor Retail Management Diploma. She explained that there were no full time positions available at the moment, that she would have offered me one if she had only known how much I wanted the job and said not to feel passed over.

She offered me the chance to undergo some wine appreciation courses and to become the Premium Wine Manager's second in charge, helping James run the premium wine section.

I am so crazy about doing that job I took it. This means tasting the best wine, sourcing the old and rare vintages and communicating directly with customers about what to buy and such, representatives also.

If it doesn't work out.. Well at least I look good in a suit.



I've decided if this is all a parse, if Leanne was just trying to leave me happy in my position with a few courses under my belt then I will leave, knowing that this could be the outcome of my back flipped decision.

I will still try to work another job around my odd hours, at the child care centre or elsewhere. Who knows, maybe this will lead to a full time position with Toowong, it will definitely open up a few doors.

I feel as if right now, finally I am being taken seriously at work.

OK Life's ok.

I'm moving. Officially.

I am also going to look for a new job with more stability. I am so.. disappointed with my venture into Liquor retail. The same thing keeps happening, I am dishearted by the whole fucking continuum.

I cried at the registers tonight. Wept.

I had a little tissue, and when someone wasn't trying to buy something I would turn around into myself and shudder.

This job has been my life for a number of years and I keep doing it because it is so safe, but I am so tired and so emotionally wrecked by such a venture. I am so in need of change. Limbo is nothing like what I have. I am at the top of a roller coaster that I cannot get off of.

This and I only made $9,000 last financial year.

That is just fucked up.

The other day I couldn't sleep and cried myself to silent shudders on the couch. I feel so messed up right now. I wrote everything down which was bothering me and then was able to hit the sack, but before I did I just could not.

Michael has been amazing though. I am really happy about my decision to be with him still. This is a private decision, but it is one I decided to make a few months ago. Based on the good times, of course. He was so wonderful that night of tears, just giving me the time was so wonderful. I am starting to feel special in his arms.

Still. Things are needing to change, and soon.

I can't end everything all at once, but I am going to actively get off my roller coaster.

Be prepared for lengthy emotional posts of every emotion possible.

It's time.

Your result for The Color Test...

Color Master

Take The Color Test at HelloQuizzy

You see I told you I wasn't the only one who liked to play UNO!

VIVA UNO!