deep dark desires;

05:00 pm - Like superglue

I party like a rockstar
Look like a moviestar
Play like an allstar
F**k like a pornstar
Baby I'm a superstar

Current Mood: amused

09:52 pm - You Don't See The Clouds Coming When You're Not Looking

You know how we always ignore the second hand when we look at a clock? Because we find it too insignificant. But sometimes life is made up of the small things - innocuous decisions, small victories, tiny setbacks. 

Somehow, some when, I think I have grown - without the conscious knowledge of it even. I used to balk at injustice, at the slightest wrongs and I used to wear my heart on my sleeve - showing displeasure, voicing it even when I felt it. No, I haven't compromised on my principals - even when others have. I have simply learnt what's important and what's not. So I let it go. I have nothing to lose and it doesn't matter, so my principles can take a nap for now. The oices and actions just glaze over me. Had it been the me a few months ago, I would have voiced my bitterness out instantly but now, I realize that it's just not worth it. Not worth the energy for me to get pissed over.

But when it comes to something that tuly matters, trust me I'll fight to death for it. I don't think I can be stepped on and bullied just like that. There'll be no hesitation, no qualms of fighting back.

Current Mood: apathetic

12:21 am - Eighty six thousand and four hundred - exactly

How does one survive on 3 hours of sleep? It nearly brained me to wake up at 5.30am after sleeping at 2am this morning. Although there was a weird adrenaline rush at seeing the city at 6am - complete with mists dangling tantalizingly in the air, the sound of silence and the palpable smell of the morning - by 8am I was a walking zombie. 

Am not as superwomanly as one would think I am. ): Note to self: I will not overburn. I will not overburn. I will not overburn.

On other note, I have happily bombed a few hundred bucks on shoes and bags. I know it's like, a sin, to like mainstream brands (for one must, must,  only indulge in heaven forbidden, either never-heard-before or insanely-expensive brands) I fell in love with Charles&Keith yesterday. There I was, sitting on the leather seats, with tonnes - and I mean tonnes - of shoes surrounding me, absolutely beseeching me to pick them up and put them on the cashier. Literally had to force myself to purchase only one pair and walk painfully away from the rest of the nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine pairs. Right after I made my purchase, what should jump into my field of view but a gorgeous tote? In about another 3 minutes time, I emerged dangling multiple Charles&Keith bags, looking alarmingly like those 24/7-shopping-taitais one sees on TV. Even I was astonished my myself - and that says quite a lot.

Have made a pact with self: 1 pair of heels per month. Tops. Absolutely nothing more than that (though I might make an allowance this month cause I just saw the most gorgeous pair of white heels from Mondo. Argh, woman of little self discipline.)

Current Mood: distressed

10:28 pm - :D

...and my cup spilleth over.

:D

Current Mood: ecstatic

09:44 pm - far far away

[edit] Youth Executive Comm (shall try my best to not be slacky!), Samba [/edit]

Seeing Meiling's entry makes me compelled to sort out the humdrum in my life now. So...

The Future
1. IF I get a scholarship and IF (a even bigger if here) I get accepted to Harvard/Princeton/UPenn, I'll definitely go.
2a. If I get a scholarship but not above 3 universities, either go UCL, King's, Imperial (still waiting) or UMich (if I get it) or
2b. Stay in Singapore and study Medicine at NUS IF (once again a huge if) I get in
3a. No scholarship at all, NUS Med (see above for hugeeee IF) or 
3b. Private expenditure overseas (only for top 3 universities mentioned in 1)
4. No scholarship, no top universities, no NUS med. Er... something in NUS. ):

Seems like my future is full of IFs, which remains troublingly unforseeable till 'A's come out and university results come out. 

Jobs
1. Relief teaching at ______ Sec; semi stable, flexible
2. Tutoring; 4 assignments; waiting for 1st month to be over so I can stop paying agency commission. Realised I've clean forgotten everything I've learnt in sec school, ie I need to dig and read up all my notes.
Mon night; wed nights; fri night; sat morning; sat afternoon
3. NUH job turned down due to mundan-ity and inflexibility
4. Finished attachment at KK, finished paper (finally!), waiting for Prof. to proof-read it and maybe (big big maybe) get it published
5. Turned down teaching teens jazz and ballet due to... personal insecurities and parental unhappiness.

Dance
1. Sun: Chacha (it's seriously addictive, feels damn high everytime after chacha class)
2. Sun: Salsa
3. Near future: Ballet (after my 'future' is decided and only if I'm still staying in Singapore)
4. Wed night: dance at SMU (mr.dan) but but have tuition on wed night, thus reminder to self to tell student to change date
5. Fri mornings: dance at Henderson (mr.dan) but but only if I'm not working. :/
6. Tues night and sat afternoon: alumni dance; once again sat afternoon clashes with one tuition. :/ :/

<3s
1. Prata breakfasts with Helen; must make it a point to do it regularly (er when I don't need to teach, sorry!)
2. MEET MENGY SOMETIME. Haven't seen her for 1356237856278562478 years
3. Sat nights are untouchable, STRICTLY NO PLANS TO BE MADE (clashes with alumni dance again. sighhh)
4. Stay in touch with colleagues. Must must must! They're wonderful people.
5. Shopping spree once I reach my saving target of 7k.

To do:
1. _____ Scholarship interview on Wed
2. _____ Scholarship app ASAP (darn, must write moreee essays)
3. Check up US university app status and call unis/college board to bug them

Current Mood: messedup

01:38 pm - Counting down the days

Sometimes I can't help but feel that life is gonna screw me up sometime... soon. Pre-As release paranoia perhaps? But till then, I'm really enjoying my time, albeit being really shagged these days.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M STILL WAKING UP AT 6AM EVERY MORNING. argh. Past few weeks (1month++) have been in KKH doing job shadowing then clinical research, which is quite a good experience and I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. But the inefficiency sometimes exasperates me. :/ Anyway for the past 2 days, I've been doing relief teaching in *******Secondary School, which is reallyreally a O.O experience.lol. To quote another relief teacher there, 'this job is really good, we get paid to go to the zoo and watch animal shows.' I almost died laughing. The students are nothing I've ever seen before and must say they make relief teaching quite a challenge. Haha. But I'm actually enjoying it. :/ For some strange bizarre reasons. 

School ends at 1pm so on thurs, I rushed down to ***** Dance School to interview for the part-time dance instructor job. But it turned out to be more like a dance club, so was more social and less school-ish I guess. Was supposed to go down and teach 2 classes today but in the end I called them up to tell them I won't be teaching... for several personal reasons. He was really nice about it, much to my relief. 

ANDAND the most exciting thing I think was he that he was watching the dance night dances and he 'talentspotted' the guy in yellow singlet. He wants to ask kel to join his hiphop crew. (IF YOU JOIN, MUST TREAT ME TO DINNER HOR.) 

Fri was even more hectic. After I finished teaching, went for buffet lunch (yay!) with daddy then went to NUH for another interview. Then down to KK to finish up the project. So much running around la! At least I'm finishing the paper I'm writing. Can't wait to finish it, then can stop going to KK which is damn far. ): Sorry helen for cancelling out on our prata breakfast! Next time kay! (:

I'm really enjoying myself being so busy and... doing meaningful stuff. Don't want to have to deal with all the other... stuff. 

Meanwhile... I'm still waiting. (:

01:02 am - my heart's desires

P.S. I Love You


Atonement


Guess 'Arden'


Guess 'Falballa'


Aldo 'Babyphat' ankle boots

... and lots more. I'm dying for shoes.

P.S. helen, I watched diving bells & butterfly, it's kindda depressing, but in a strange way, very amelie too.

12:16 am

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger? 

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger? 

09:58 pm - ^a little reminiscence

This is 3 days too late to be a new year's resolution, and 4 days too late to be a summary of 2007. And since resolutions are made to be broken and summarys made to be forgotten, they don't seem to serve much purpose to me. Or maybe they're just not visible to my small little eyes (note allusion to 'Closer' - still fave movie). But anyway, there're some thing I should say before I lose the opportunity to say them.

I've always prided myself for being able to keep many pies on my platter without it faling over the fracturing my toes, but come to think of it now, maybe not. Being limited, finite (hear hear, KI) creatures, it is a tough call to be superhuman but there are certain things I'll never compromise on (and here I apologise if at some point in time in the past 2 years I have, in my folly, compromised you) - real friends (helen and mengy, this is to you), parents, academia, and of course dance. 2008 is going to be a year of changes, with everyone diverging into varying paths. But even if it kills me, I promise to keep in contact and to cherish these people who have left an indelible mark in my life. These people, without whom I would not be the person I am today. You are special, and you are loved. (:

I have also learnt, after way longer than should have, that with great pride comes great fall. Please don't laugh or judge when I say that I used to think there's nothing I can't achieve if I want it bad enough. But that naive optimissm (or stubborn arrogance if you'd like) has finally been shattered. I've come to realise that there are, unfortunately, some thing in life you just can't have. And that actually my limits are far lower than I perceived. But that's okay, because I've learnt to let go of expectations as well. My life till now has been carefully, meticulously planned thus far, and now while the unknown is unnerving, I believe it will all work out eventually. Failures are perhaps, after all, a preparation for greater success? For now, I'll firmly believe so.

Philisophical mumble jumble aside, I've more practical goals I aim to achieve as well. Master - wait, thats too strong a word - be adequetely apt at chacha. And then perhaps go on to learn other latin and ballroom dances. Resume ballet and get that elusive grade8 I should have gotten 2 years ago. Learn cooking. Travel, without parents. And as I have told myself at the beginning of every year since I remember, succeed. Fingers are crossed!

10:14 pm - ^stream of vulgarities

I HATE MYSELF. ):

CUT MY FRINGE TO WAY TOO SHORT BANGS THAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE I'M 3. ARGH.

SCREWED UP LAST ROUND OF INTERVIEW *NOTE LAST ROUND* SO BAD I'LL REMEMBER IT FOR LIFE.

only redemption? signed up for latin cha cha course. but whats that compared to every other fucked up thing I've manged to accomplish in a short span of 2 days?

guess i'm being overly melodramatic, but at times like these i wanna disappear into some endless hole and just bury myself there till i get over it. its the crashing blow that sends my usual naive confidence right down the endless gutters, the presposterousity of the most unimaginable happening, but then again of course i'm being melodramatic. 

and nowadays i've been resorting to 13 year old retorts like 'you don't understand me'. pffft. my brains have pulpified itself to accompany my ego on its way down the rubbish chute. nice.

this is the third time i'm saying it and i'm beginning to feel schizophrenic but i'm just being fucking melodramatic. and i should just FUCKING SHUT UP.

Current Mood: depressed

07:57 pm - ^before, during, after

4th december came and went, and i actually found the preparation more... enjoyable than the event itself. the crazy shopping everyday; the fun with the people that matters during those shopping sessions; the walking around for 5hrs on heels and the adrenaline rush after buying something. actually most of all, its the people; helen (flouncing flouncing!), manqing (thanks girl for shopping with me despite your ongoing tests!), kelvin (poor thing, had to walk around for eons with me), mum (quote walking atm unquote). 

the day itself was hectic and utter chaos due to the unfortunate event of EDB scholarship assessment taking place on the day itself, from 830am to 4pm. after which was a madddd rush home to bathe, change, makeup and do my hair, all in 2 hours. ended up at the salon at 6.10pm and he told me a usual styling session takes ONE AND A HALF HOURS. i promptly dieded, after which i told him to just curl and heckk. haha. so i did manage to reach shangri la at about 6.45pm. (: and my hair was nice, as in i really liked it (might actually perm my hair now). the night itself was more photowhoring and muchmuch less eating, but didn't photowhore much also cause was quite tired and something cropped up halfway which completely ruined my mood. but oh wells. 

now that its over, just a little reminiscent but surprisingly no nostalgia. thinking back, i spent too much time and effort trying too hard to be someone more like others. when all along, i could have treasure those few people beside me and be contented. now, i'm just trying to spend as much time as possible with those who really matter before our lives diverge and fade down memory lane. 

(the clinic was a wonderful experience)

10:35 pm - ^hello stranger, move closer

life returns to normal, almost surprisingly. and this sudden lull in momentum has caught me off-guard, not unpleasantly though. just, hmm, wow, I actually have free time? - unbelieveable. in the short span of a weekend, managed to do quite a lot. 

watched quite alot of movies, and just found my all-time favourite - closer.

it's funny, yet brutally depressing at the same time. it's about human idiosyncracies, warped ideologies, lies, betrayal, infidelities and ultimately, love. brilliantly perceptive and astute, it's one of those movies I loved to hate because it's so strikingly real. huantingly so.

some of my favourite quotes:

'hello stranger'

'It's about you, isn't it?
Some of me.
Oh? What did he leave out?
The truth.'

'I'm your stranger. Jump.'

'Is it because she's successful?
No, it's because she doesn't need me.'

'Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.'

'Why didn't you lie to me?
Because we said we'd always tell each other the truth.
 What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change. It's the currency of the world.'

'Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm their depression. If they were happy, they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live, which can be depressing.' (nice convoluted logic here. lol)

'When I get back, please tell me the truth.
Why?
Because I'm adicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.'

'I don't want to lie. Can't tell the truth, so it's over.'

'I would have loved you... forever'

'Show me! Where is this love? I... I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Whatever you say is too late.'

09:46 pm - ^oh, what fun we had

09:50 pm - ^impossibly sweet

Current Mood: sighhh

07:51 pm - ^proud

to be their senior. (:

they remind me what its like to dance, and its kindda torturous to wanna dance but have to mug, mug and mug somemore. oh well, after 'A's. 

meanwhile, jiayou guys!

Current Mood: awake

09:12 pm - ^hallows&horcruxes

eh, second post of the day but i simply got to write about the book. it's practically the only subject admist social circles nowadays. well, at least amongst those who have read the book, while those who haven't cower with the hands to their ears. -grins- okay, i should stop being evil. haha.

the book was good, but somewhat unsatisfactory. no don't get me wrong, the book was glorious, just perhaps i had my hopes brewing too high due to the avalanche of publication and the 'omg finallyyy' feel. still like the book a lot though, and spoilers are under the cut. (:

Current Mood: pottered!

07:35 pm - 9:4 - most imba dota game ever

Played the most imba dota game in my entire life, and its only my second time. (: okay, so i was playing against AI, which is undoubtedly much noob-er than real gamers, but still... to get BEYOND GODLIKE is super imba. haha. it was like from 0:2 to 3:4, then at about level19 i suddenly shot to 9:4, and level up to level23 with over 4k gold. not bad right? wait till you hear this...

the secret behind imba-ness.
my opponent was trying to hex/nuke/whateverrr me (damn, i still can't figure out the terminologies) with one of his items which is supposed to send me flying into a tornado and temporarily stun me such that i can't do anything but be flung into midair.

so... before he did that, i was trying to use my freezing field (yes, i was using crystal maiden) to zam him in the hope of killing him before he can harm me, but me, being noob as ever, was lag. and pressed the killing field button after he hexed/nuked/whatevered me. theoretically, i shouldn't be able to perform any spells, BUT i not only produced a freezing field, it was an everlasting one!

as in, freezing fields usually only last for about 3secs or so, but mine went on and on foreverrr. so i just stood there, completely stunned, spewing ice crystals all around me and killing a dozens of creeps AND heroes. after i regained my composure, i started laughing hysterically as i walked my hero calmly into a midst of creeps and their 2 heroes, and then proceeded to anihilate the whole lot. all the heroes and creeps were trying desperately to attack me or run away, but to no avail. i killed like 5 heroes in 10mins? and helped kill 2 towers as well.

all hail a glitch in the game. (:

and now i know how to use "E", left click, right click, "V", left click, (and if possible) "Z". kabooom! (: but i still need to learn how to not stone when i'm in the midst of a battle, and how to run away. on a happier note, i can farm pretty decently now. and i know what items to buyy. yay.

omg. dota is addictive. -.-

Current Mood: imba excited

05:02 pm - ^birthday bliss

despite the lack of crazy-just-legal activities on my 18th birthday, it was memorable nonetheless. 

well wishes from tonnes of people that just lit up my day like a 2837652watt bulb. (:

thank you (in no apparant order);
helen, mengy, kelvin, renyi, sera, yeechien, jiayun, shiuyuen, ivan, zhixiong, (and 10 hours later) ronald, sean, benjamin, tongyuan, zhaolong, ayeee basically s70. (: clarice, meiling (ahem ahem ahemmmm), audrey, meisiew, sharon, jiayee, jiayi, adeline, yanting, huijin, yunning, vanessa, jonathan (who almost forgot. tsk), guansen, zhihong, chehao, vince, zhengxun and tonnes others.

Current Mood: chipper

09:22 pm - Feel-Good Post

This is one of my feel-good-about-myself-and-embraces-every-good-thing-that-has-happened-to-me mood. (:

In short, I am a happy girl. Spent 4hours 'spring-cleaning' my room yesterday, and threw away 5 big bagful of old stuff. It's disturbing how clean my room is now. heh.

Current Mood: cheerful

09:59 pm - oh, Despair

just came back to singapore yesterday, a little over 24hours ago. and then proceeded to decadently spend the rest of yesterday sleeping and the whole of today watching dvd and pigging out. this leaves me with tonnes on my hands and pathetically dwindling time.

things to be accomplished:
-post on OCIP cambodia trip complete with photos (which have yet to be uploaded. bah)
-finish the 1800 words left of IS
-finish revision, of which i've only completed 1 chapter of bio out of 4 subjects. i.e. haven't started on chem/math/ki at all
-find a time to watch pirates before it disappears from cinemas
-attempt to sneak into a cinema to watch spider lilies
-post OCIP stuff (BAH)
-prepare portfolio (BAHHHHH)

and now, i will attempt (a very feeble one) to continue my 1200 words of IS.

Current Mood: aggravated