If you see that aetherdust has added you, it's me.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm gonna do with this journal yet. I might keep it as a writing journal, or for NanoWriMo. Or I might delete it. I don't know. We'll see.

Just a reminder: I've moved to http://aetherdust.livejournal.com.

new journal.


http://aetherdust.livejournal.com

i just can't deal with this one anymore.

im done

theres nothing left for me to do
everything i do to try to make it better only makes it worse.

i'm done with everything

I have nothing more to say. This is pointless. I can't have real friends anyway. I've dragged everything out far too long already, and now my chances have passed. There's no future ahead of me, and all that I can see in my past is guilt and regret.

I have nothing left to say to any of you. This journal will be deleted within the next two days or so. For GOOD this time. I know there are some of you who only thought that I wrote her only for attention, and I hate you for it. I don't feel safe here anymore, and I don't trust anyone, so I will not be updating again.

Most of you only believed me to be a failure anyway.

I have nothing left to say anymore. To anyone. My heart has descended into silence a long time ago.

EDIT: I may open a new journal, but with only maybe a few people or so on my friend's list. I don't know. I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

I give up now. There's n o use in prolonging this.

i cant cope with this anymore

I can't take this. I' m in agony right now.

I can't stand myself. I can't stand living inside my own head anymore. I can't stand my thoughts, my feelings, my heart, all which have become disgusting, repulsive things to me. I can't stand to look in the mirror. I can't stand the failure of my life. I can't stand remembering the last ten years, in which nothing has changed. In fact, I've only regressed. It will be almost 9 years since I graduated high school, and I have not moved beyond that point. I don't have much hope for the future, and I don't have the energy to change anything. I'm just tired, and overflowing with self hatred. I'm a waste. My thoughts are hollow and empty, and they don't make any sense to me anymore. I'm constantly nervous and scared, and I am completely consumed with thoughts of death. I can't sleep and and I dread waking up in the morning. Every day is oblivion for me. Every hour is full of heartache. I can't breathe. I'm scared. I've tried to change for so many years. So many. Hope becomes burdensome and tiring after that long. I'm getting too old for hope. Even the short moments when I am happy, they're just brief breaths between my default heartache. When someone asks me how I am, I don't even answer anymore. Not that anyone is listening.

I wish I were someone else. Someone more talented, more beautiful, more worthy. Anyone but me. Anyone not living the failed life that I have. I don't even see potential to change it anymore. Five years ago, maybe, but not now. I don't have the dreams that I once did anymore. I have nothing.

I'm a waste