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B: Hundred dollars says when you turn around, I say wow. *Robin turns* Oh.
R: Barney this is the third time you’ve hit on me by accident.
B: It’s one of the many risks of the blind approach. It’s usually a two man operation where Ted signals if the target is hot, but Ted’s too busy being in a lesbian relationship.
R: Why don’t you just check out the girl’s reflection in the mirror.
B: You can’t…Wow.
Random: Hey, what’s taking so long?
R: I gotta go.
B: Not so fast Scherbatsky. I like this way you think. That mirror thing, simple, elegant. Ok, limited time offer. I need a bro. for my bro-ings on about town. How would you like to be said bro?
R: Well as tempting as that sounds I’m hanging out with my friend who just got dumped. She really needs some support. Or…a stranger’s tongue down her throat. That seems healthy. Alright. Guess I’m in.
B: You suited up!
R: Well I figured if I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do this right.
B: Emilio, the woman will have—
R: I’ll have a Johnny Walker Blue. Neat. And a Monte Cristo, number two. Thanks.
B: Ahh, the number two. Aka, the Torpedo.
R: Or, as the rollers call it, perimide. My father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention.
B: Father issues. Hot.
R: I know. I was this close to being a huge slut.
B: Slut would have been better, but I’ll settle for bro. Especially since now that Ted’s with Victoria and can’t drink. Because he’s pregnant. Because he’s the girl.
R: Come on, Ted can’t be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant.
B: What uuup. Freeze frame high five!
R: I had no idea laser tag still existed!
B: Yeah well enjoy it before it becomes cool again. I give it two months.
R: Oh I believe it. This is awesome.
B: Ok. Follow my lead and stay low. And never underestimate a twelve year old with a--*Robin shoots* Sherbatsky! You gotta focus! You just saved my life—
R: Thank me later. Let’s keep movin’. These little bastards are everywhere.
R: Oh god! These brats have us completely surrounded. I..I counted nine. Maybe ten. I’ll lay down some cover fires, you make a run for it.
B: No! Leave no man behind. Either we all get out of here, or no one does.
R: But I—
B: Don’t be a hero, Sherbatsky.
R: I’ll see you on the other side.
B: Uhhh, damn. Wanna go get a soft pretzel?
R: Yeah.
B: Alright.
R: Playing laser tag really takes me back. You know what game I really miss? Battleship. I’ve never lost a game.
B: Neither have I. Of course I cheat.
R: Oh yeah, me too. The trick is to make an aircraft carrier so it makes an L
B: Ahh. I always just stack the ships on top of each other.
R: Nice. You know we should have a cheaters’ grudge match. I still think I have a uh—Hello, target acquired. Hottie by the jukebox.
B: Ooo, good eye Sherbatsky. I got someone for you. Two o’clock. Blue shirt.
R: That’s a woman.
B: Ahh, my mistake. Or is it?
R: Let’s just focus on your target.
B: Right.
R: I got this one. *walks over to girl* Oh my god I love your jeans!
Girl: Ok. Is this a lesbian bar? Because that girl with the blue shirt just—
R: Oh no I am all about the dudes. Although pickins are pretty slim tonight. Only hot guy here is blondie in the suit and he’s playing hard to get.
Girl: Really? Cause he’s totally vibing me right now. Must be the jeans.
R: Well. Jeans will only get you so far. I’m going home with him.
Girl: We’ll see about that.
Robin: Ugh! *mouths* You’re welcome
B: Hey
R: Hey
B: Let’s get out of here. Let’s go somewhere else.
R: Well, what happened?
B: ehhhya. Sometimes I like to do a little catch and release.
R: But why?
B: Leave no man behind. Either we all score. Or no one scores.
R: Right on. Hey you wanna go play battleship?
B: Hit!
R: What the hell are you doing?
B: I’m birthday suiting up. I’m sorry. Did you wanna undress me?
R: No! I thought we were just hanging out as friends.
B: Oh come on! You’ve been throwing yourself at me all night.
R: What?! I did the opposite, I threw some other girl at you!
B: You invited me up to your apartment to “play battleship”. Is that not an internationally recognized term for sex?
R: No!
B: Good. I hope you’re happy. You sunk my battleship.
R: Ok. You and me, that’s insane. If you even thought about it for one second—
B: But I have thought about it. For three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense. We both think the marriage commitment thing’s a drag. We both want something casual and fun and we clearly get along really well.
R: Wow that actually did make a lot of sense.
B: Yeah.
R: But what about Ted?
B: I checked with Ted. Totally gave us his blessing.
R: Really?
B: Really.
R: So Ted didn’t care that you wanted to make a move on me.
B: Didn’t care at all.
B: Ooh. Ooooohh.
R: What?
B: You like Ted!
R: I didn’t say that I liked Ted.
B: You like Ted! Wooow. This is huge.
R: Barney, I don’t like Ted. He’s moved on and I’m really happy for—
B: Yeah, yeah. Alright look are we gonna play battleship or what?
R: You’re not gonna tell him are you?
B: No.
B: That’s the bro code. A bro doesn’t tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third bro doesn’t tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It’s quid pro bro.
R: A7
B: Miss.
R: Of course. |
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