Hopes Abandoned

ashly's house

Tue, 23 May 2006 01:37:44 GMT

Ashly rocks my sox!!

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 17:54:59 GMT

excited .. i think

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 04:58:26 GMT

Well I haven't written in here in a while and nick reminded me of it so i am going to write in it and say or write what had been on my mind latley well since yesterday when i bough nicks gift. Monday is our 3 year anniversary, welll its supposed to be i think we are going to celebrate it but i am not entirly sure what is going to happen. I hope Nick doesn't read this too soon because like i just have to say what I got him. Its not that awesome but this little sucker was expensive. I got him an Mp3 playee, not an ipod tha\ose fuckers are $250 when i get enough money i am going to try to get it for him. I didn;t like seeing him with his cd player only and listening to only one artists so i just got him an Mp3 to hold him over for a while. Its really nice like i think it has radio and like it can record stuff. I was going to get him a memory chip but i didn;t have enough money for it i mioght get it tomorrow when i go with my grandparents because i got paid $50 dollars today cuz i worked two parties. well I really hope NIck likes it. I dont want him to get to excited over it because I know it isn;t a big thing but i tried with the money i had =\ .. well i am really tired i am just going to finish downloading or watch the last couple of files left to download and then tomorrow when i get back from my grandparents house I will put it on his Mp3 player .. ahh ireally hope he likes it. Oh and i got some new toothpaste and i got listerine so he wouldn't be like grossed out by my breath becasue he tells me something everyfday about it i am glad that he is honest with me but like i just dont like to have bad breath with him .. well g2g buh byee !!

♥ ,
Nicole

madly in love

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 16:59:54 GMT

well I am in school right now and like the teacher let me go to the library like he has for the past two weeks. I had lunch with nick because that is what i do. lol .. well yeah we really didnt have lunch we just sat at the stairwell and talked .. I opened up to him and he knew it was really hard to open up about what we takled about. Well this morning was all blah because nick was still tweaked about yesterday that I went to karate. I started watching The Notebook in first period and like I got to thinking about why was I so sad like about what happend yesterday. L:ike i knew why I was sad but being sad isn't goign to solve anything. SO when I saw Nick after first I tried to be as happy as I could. Well so today I have work ... grr but I get money so yeah. Well Yesterday I felt good about myself because I worked out a lot and I felt energized and shit and I haven't felt like that in a long time like since the last time that I was skinny. And I know I am still fat but like I still felt good. I know NIck doesn't like me being there because he is worried about me hurting him again but I am not going to hurt him. Not this time. I have hurt him to many times and fucked up to much to fuck up and hurt him again. I am going to show him that I can be good and that I can be faithful and keep all of my promises. I havent cut. I haven't tried to talk to any guy for anything, I havn't talked to anyone for attention because I just need nick's attention righht now. I am just going to focus all of my attention on him. He deserves that much and I am going to give it to him. I just want him to belive that I can be good. That I can keep myword and do what I promised and what I am going to say. Well I got to go lkunch bell rang and I got to go meet marlette. Oh and I am going to bring Nick some food cuz he was hungry .. well till later bye

♥ ,
Nicole

life sucks

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 03:37:52 GMT

today has been a good and an even worse day. Nick and I got in a fight last night about my karate that my instructor asked me to go on tuesdays and thursdays to help out there n shit and like nick got all pissed off about it and i understand why he has all of these accuasations. I just didn't think he would turn into a total asshole in the last 2 weeks we have together. He told me he doesn't want me there for his birthday. He told me that I will just make his birthday worse then it already will be. He told me that he is trying to make me hate him. This doesn't make me hate him I could never hate him. This is just making me so miserable and hurt so much because i just want to enjoy our last moments together. I am not going to off and hook up with guys on the break because he is treating me like this. I am going to keep my promises that I made to myself and to Nick. I want to be good I want for Nick to look up to me and know that I have changed that I am the girl that he fell in love with. I am not sacrifcing anything (going out) I don't need that. What I need is Nick just to give me kissies and be there. I just need him and all I want is him. It doesn't matter how long I have to wait until I have it. Nick is worth it. I had my fun at his cost and now he could have his fun =\. I know I just feel liek shit thinking about Nick hooking up with other girls n shit. But he deserves to have his fun and be a normal teenager. I just wish we could enjoy our last moemnts toegtehr. Wel at least I am with him to enjoy any moments with him. Well I got to go im goign to my house now ... bye

♥ ,
Nicole

in school

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 15:52:15 GMT

Well I am in school now and like im almost goign to go to lunch with nick because my teacher let me go to the library for the rest ofthe class becausde we are ahead of everyone else so yeah. A lot of shit has happend with my parewnts they are being the biggest dicks of life like them hairy nasty gross ones. Well yeah like they are talking out of their asses and dunt leave me a lone to enjoy my last week with nick. Well i fucked up again. I didn't tell him that Nik came over my grandparents house and like yeah i fucked up by not telling him the first place. I really don't know why I didn't tell him I know that he would get mad but like let him comeover because he is not an asshole like that. I just dont know why I idn't tell him . Well on the break for the 3rd time I am going to fix myself for his birthday. I am goign to be the nikki that he has missed so much and the nikki that he could trust and everything. I am goign to be his perfect girl. Well im going to go to nick's class right now so I could meet him and surprise him I hope he gets surprised I loev him so much and I just want to make it up to him all the shit that I have doen to him. I just dontknowhow I know one way s not to do it anymore but like yeah i am goig to keep my promise not just for him but for me too because I don't want to be like that anymore. well i g2g be back after nick's lunch! Well I just came back from lunch with nick it was okay. Adam was there so we couldn't really talk. I just cant belive I j=fucked up again. I don't want to fuck up anymore. I am going to make a schedule for myself. And I am goign to abide by it. If someone calls methat is not on the schedele or something else like that I will eithe rnot pick up or tell them i dunt want to talk or if its like my friends that are girls i will put them in the schedule that I talked to them. I know I don't havw to do this because I am not goign to be with Nick anymore but like I want to for myself to get my life in order so I won't hurt Nick anymore. He is the greatest person in the world so understanding and forgive and I don't want to take advantage o f that anymore. I was doign it without even noticing it. I feel so bad about that I just want to forreal fix everything. Not just have things good for a couple of weeks and then everything goes to shit and I hurt NIck some more. That is not fair tohim why the fuck do I keep doing that to him. I am really upset at myself this time. I want to be honest and tell him everything fucking thing andnot be ashamed of it because there is nothing bad to tell me. I love him so much I really do and it hurts me so much that he can;t belive it. Well Im gonna go ill write more later if anything happends im gonna like just chill until my lunch and like think and stuff I might do some searching and stuff within myself and on the computer.

♥
Nikki

i cant belive it

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 23:14:44 GMT

i can't believe its over. Nick and I are officially over. Our parents broke us up like it was nothing. I hurt so much right now. I just want to run away with Nick and be with him forever. Why do parents have to make this so difficult and painful. Haven't we gone threw enough pain. Don't you think that your fucking us up even more by having to go threw this shit. WTF?? they say its for our own good yea suffering and not being togteher while wanting to be together is so healthy for us. Hating our parents for not giving adn shit and having them lie to your face is so healthy for us. Feeling like your complete world just died in front of your eyes is good for us and better for us then a relationship that they have no fucking idea how it's going to end up or start off. I hate them so much for giving me false hope and playing with everyones head. They tried to make patty and marco look like the bad guys. What is that? I hate them so much for playing me. Now I know where I get it from. If they fucking say to me that we tried to help or we did all we could or anything like that I am fucking going to go bulistic!! WTF??? you fucking tried to help, all you fucking did was fuck everything up for everyone. If they ever fucking ask me where I get my deciveinness from I am going to fucking kill them. I always wondered why I was like this how did I learn to be like this. Now I know first hand. I always had it inside of me and I guess tuti brought it out me of now im trying to get rid if it completly because it is back inside but I don't want anyof it near me. I am in just so much pain right now I just want to shove a sharp kive threw my heart so i could hurt a little less and consintrate on something else. I have so much hate in me now it's fucking unbelieveable. I just wish sometimes that everyone could see how much we love eachother. I wish they could see how happy we are together and not freak out when we are happy together!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!! This is the shit that pisses me off. I can't stand it anymore. I only have a litle bit of hope let in me and that is becasue of how much I love Nick. He is the reason I haven't done anything stupid because I don't want to disappoint him and make things worse if we ever again try to get back together. i have no motivation for my parents or anyone else. They mean shit to me now. ALl they have doen is make shit worse. Well I brought this upon myself, im trying to fix everything now so why do they have to fuck up what I have been trying to fix with everybody. Especially Nick. Why do they have to tourture us with all of this. I just don't get it. IT HURTS THEM MY ASS!!! I heard my dad saying that it hurt him to see me this way and blah blah blah and i wanted to open the fucing orr and beat him with the fucking phone he was talking on. I hate them so much right now. WHat they have done now is unfucking forgiveable. If they really want the best for us let us fucking be togetehr our grades are better togetehr our addiitudes, ou happiness, our everything. Why don't they see what they are doing? If they were so fucking smart they would realize it. well im really pissed right now so im going to cool off and cry.

♥ ,
Nicole

i hate parents

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 03:52:39 GMT

Today started off fine or w.e. .. like yesterday was better just because nick was more lovy dovy with me but w.e. everybody is allowed to have an off day .. yeah well i got my junior right today it is so pretty ill post some pics soon well yeah everything was fine until like now ... i hate my parents wtf? like its not 10:30 so i dont have to give my dad the phone it was 10:13 to be exact and like he was like telling me to give him my cell but like i dint have to yet and i told him ike a million times that i didnt have to and i thought he heard me and like all of a sudden he starts screaming my name and like telling me to give him the phone and that i was punished for the rest of the night and like just started going bulistic on me like wtf ? its not like it was 1:00 o clock god damn bro wtf?? i hate them so much sometimes and likei had to print out some stuff and like my dad was telling me to get off the computer n shit and i was like buut i have to do homework i havent been home the whole fucking day n shit and like he liketoo bad n shit like that i was like broi wtf?? i just wanted to fucking hit him so hard like he had to reason to go off at me like that and like bro he wont even let me do fuckinghomework when i havent been home the whole entire fucking day they are fucking unbelieveable.. w.e. well today nick was really paranoid today like all about mike and like edie and shit like that i havetnt even talked to him since saturday and like mike he's just s friend n shit like like yeah n he doesn't even want a girlfriend zadn other stuff that i cant mention but yeah there's no like paranoidness aout it but .. yeah ive put him threwa alot so he like deserves to be like this if it makes him feel more secure about himself and w.e. i can handle it it just gets annoying but like yeah i realize why he is doing it iand shit .. well i g2g my parents might sneak up on me n shit .. well bye

♥
Nicole

today was fucking awesome

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 03:57:26 GMT

well today in school i had the most amazing day of life. Nick and I were just perfect together. Just like old times. I missed it so much holding him and him just smiling at me. I'm trying to get him when he looks at me that he could smile when he looks at me insted of me having to make him smile by being myself. Which isn't that bad cuz I get happy when I do that and i get happy when i know to make him smile but still i would love it that i just catch him just staring at me with this big grin on his face. Well anyways I went downstairs during his lunch and like we hung out and like it was totally fucking awesome i felt so happy when he would just hold me and make me smile ... today wass really the best day that i have had at ferguson. Just to know that he is trying after i hurt him so much. I went to the hospital today for therepy we had a really good talk i got alot off my chest and she helped me get my mom see my perspective on my relationship with Nick. It helped a lot i talked tomy mom in the car but yeah i had to get a piece of paper so i could remember everything I had to talk to her about. lol yeah i hate my memory. Anyways i thought the practice at the hall today was at 8 o clock ..yeah but lauren caled me and told me it was at 6 and it was already like 5:50 when she called so yeah good thing its near my house lol. Well Jamies mom took away al of our cell phones because we always get distracted and lose everyones place because we mess up and like we have to start over again w.e. nick didn't call while i was at the practiev so he didn't get amd at me but then like i forgot to put it back on loud or vibrate and like nick called me a million times and like he got reallu mad at me abd told me bad shit againbut then he apologized and we were good for like 5 minutes intil he got all bichy again and decided to break up with me n shit. WTF?? i cant stand this shit this is why i was afraid of him bef\ore he would break up with me for for anything i dont want to go back to this i want a fresh new start. I know what i have done to him is bad but i just want to make things right i just wnat that much to prove to him that i have changed and could be the girl he fell in love with i was so happy today .. well i g2g parents buh byee

the most amazing person was next to me and i never realized how much

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 00:10:15 GMT

Yesterday Nick and my mom talked a lot about everything. Hopefully she talks to my dad to let us be together. Today i have had the best and worse feelings ever. Nick and I were good this morning and like we were talking baby talk and everything until my past came up again. I told him the most painful thing in my past and he accepcted it. He didn't scream at me. He just cried and when i wanted to cut he was on the phone with me making sure I didn't. I never realized how much he cared for me because whenever he got mad or sad or w.e. he screamed at me. I knew that he knew that I hate it when people screamed at me, but he still did it anyways. So when he did that I just didn't care what I did. I did and I didn't at the same time. I only cared about myself and how I felt at the moment. It didn't matter to me if he foun out how much it would hurt him. When he found out I was just worred about the screaming and the bitching and the putting down that he made me go threw. But that was him just reacting to what I have done. I wish I would have reallized it 3 months ago. Maybe we could have been going to over eachother's house's again. Maybe I would have had his trust back. Before i knew i could tell him the truth, I just didn't want to because of the screaming. But today I told him the most painful experience that I ever put myself threw and wanted to be erased from my memory and he took it and when I wanted to cut so bad he stayed on the phone with me and took care of me and didn't worry about his feelings, he just took care of mine. He made me stand up for my moral, for what that guy made me lose and forced me into. Yes he cried but who wouldn't. what I did was unforgiveable to any other persons eyes. He forgave me and took care of me. After I took care of him and tried to make him feel better like he did to me. But I couldn't. Today I saw true love come from him. I know it was always there. But today I realized everything I had given up for a day of me feeling better. Today I found comfort in the one who i least deserve it from. After all of this happend. I have never loved Nick so much. He is the greatest person alive in the world. I bet my life that no one would have put up with everything that I put him threw. They would have left me and not cared what I did to myself. I am loved, and I am going to show him how loved he is by me. I am going to be brutally honest about everything and I know he will accept it and still stay with me no matter what I tell him because I am not going to do anything bad that him, me or anyone else would think is wrong. I am going to be the best girlfriend in the world. Just like he has been the best boyfriend and bestfriend in the world to me. He deserves infinity more then what I have given him and he will get it. I love him so much. I think what I needed was this. To tell him the rest of what I was hideing from him. I feel relieved. I can feel. I think that what I was holding inside of me was so servere and it affected me in such a negative way that it didn't allow me to feel anything. Because now I feel the love I have for Nick and the love he has for me. I will prove to myself and to him I can be a good person and not lie to him about anything. Just like he has done to me. I am going to treat him the same way he has treated me for these two long years. I appreciate him so much and I am so gratful to have him in my life. I wish that I could have realized this sooner. But better late then never. I am going to make up for everything. I have a couple of ideas in mind, and I know he will love all of them. I loev you Nick and I am so sorry for everything that I have put you threw and made you feel these past 3 months. Noone should feel that, especially not you. I hope you really can forgive me and that I could take away all of the pain you feel right now. I love you and I hope this made you feel at least a little bit better. I love you and I am sorry !!

♥
Nicole

im sorry

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:10:07 GMT

i love nick !!! he is the best thing that has ever happend to me. I hate eddie and any other person that he thought i might have had something with. I love him more then anything in the world. And i am grateful that he is with me now and gave me one more chance. I love him so much .. I LOVE YOU NICK!!!!

friends only

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 20:59:57 GMT