oh, and just an update, my car died on august 30th.


i mean DIED.

no one can tell me what to feel. if you think i'm making mistakes, that's cool. i'm going to do what i want, i'm going to make the decisions i feel make the most sense. i'm going to hang out with the people of my choosing and you cannot stop me. remember that next time you decide to take your foot out of your mouth for time enough to piss me off. thanks.

so i think my problem is my insanity. and by 'i think,' i really mean i know.

i'm a fucking crazy bitch, but it's whatever.

i think i might be happy.

happy. ha, what's that.

so, i've been drinking since around 2. and i should know by now, drinking only leads to trouble.

i would rather cry out of pain than cry out of sadness.

why do i only ever want what i know i can't have?
why do i only miss things that i can never get back?
why do i ask stupid fucking questions when there are so many real questions that need answered?

i don't know where this sadness just came from but it hit me like a brick fucking wall.

i want so desperately to travel but i can't even get ahead of my bills. i feel like everything is frozen in place while the calendar keeps going.

so, apparently, in rochelle's dream last night i was baby jesus, leading big jesus to heaven and away from the devil who was chasing us. wtf.

so, last night i went to the busted knuckle for phyllis's birthday. her, barbie and susie smoked a joint in my car with me at midnight for her bday. it was fucking bomb.

tiff had to come get me (she wouldn't let me drive and that's a good thing) and i remember telling her to hurry so i didn't puke in her car. i walked into the grant street house, went pee, and puked in the kitchen trash. passed the fuck out.

good times with susie.

today, alyssa and i watched the chicken try to cross the road.

but why??

mood swings mood swings mood swings mood swings .

fuckkkkk.

it's thoughts like these that make me afraid of myself. especially when i feel so strongly about them for short amounts of time.

for now, i hate everything.

i love ice storms that bring power lines down in my yard.

i'm going to start carrying my 35 everywhere again.

i have to.

as of late:

smoking blunts.
poor kid.
making plans.
roadtrip plans!
driving.
not drinking, drinking tomorrow??
power outages, ice cream cake.
snowwwwww.
not working enough to pay my bills.
lack of a camera.
akron, wadsworth.
oh- beatboxing blows my mind.
moodswings.
walmart.
content.
hanging with the boys.
living life.

discussing the bible with a friend is one thing.
discussing the bible with a parent is another.

not happening.

i love mood swings more than anything in the world.