happy.
excited.
something to look forward to.
someone to look forward to.



:)

how am i supposed to make the transition from "i love you" to "just friends"?

i think i want to try, but i don't think i'm strong enough to do it. i still love you so much. and the way you talk to me like nothing has changed makes it harder still. i just want you to tell me that you don't love me anymore. i want to hear those words, make it official. don't tell me that "it's not fair" that i wait for you and then tell me we'll talk when you get back. tell me it's over. tell me you're over me. tell me i'm not crazy for feeling this way.

whatever, i still love you.



i'm such a child.

this chapter is over. time to open a new door, find a new, different happiness. live my life for me.

here we go.

happy. ha, what's that.

oh, and just an update, my car died on august 30th.


i mean DIED.

no one can tell me what to feel. if you think i'm making mistakes, that's cool. i'm going to do what i want, i'm going to make the decisions i feel make the most sense. i'm going to hang out with the people of my choosing and you cannot stop me. remember that next time you decide to take your foot out of your mouth for time enough to piss me off. thanks.

so i think my problem is my insanity. and by 'i think,' i really mean i know.

i'm a fucking crazy bitch, but it's whatever.

i think i might be happy.

happy. ha, what's that.

so, i've been drinking since around 2. and i should know by now, drinking only leads to trouble.

i would rather cry out of pain than cry out of sadness.

why do i only ever want what i know i can't have?
why do i only miss things that i can never get back?
why do i ask stupid fucking questions when there are so many real questions that need answered?

i don't know where this sadness just came from but it hit me like a brick fucking wall.

i want so desperately to travel but i can't even get ahead of my bills. i feel like everything is frozen in place while the calendar keeps going.

so, apparently, in rochelle's dream last night i was baby jesus, leading big jesus to heaven and away from the devil who was chasing us. wtf.

so, last night i went to the busted knuckle for phyllis's birthday. her, barbie and susie smoked a joint in my car with me at midnight for her bday. it was fucking bomb.

tiff had to come get me (she wouldn't let me drive and that's a good thing) and i remember telling her to hurry so i didn't puke in her car. i walked into the grant street house, went pee, and puked in the kitchen trash. passed the fuck out.

good times with susie.

today, alyssa and i watched the chicken try to cross the road.

but why??

mood swings mood swings mood swings mood swings .

fuckkkkk.

it's thoughts like these that make me afraid of myself. especially when i feel so strongly about them for short amounts of time.

for now, i hate everything.

i love ice storms that bring power lines down in my yard.