| Slightly Depressed |
[Aug. 16th, 2008|11:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Livingroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Little Wonders- Rob Thomas | ] |
I havent slept in days. Still. I have a doctors appointment Monday so hopefully they can see what's the matter with me. I just feel like shit in general. And for no specific reason. I mean, I just sat down here and felt the overwhelming urge just to cry. I pushed it away, but it's still right there in my throat.
I've maintained my tough exterior since it happened, when April and I stopped talking. Now I think realization is setting in. And I KNOW I'm better off without her. She is the reason I'm the nervous mess I am today. She and help from a couple others that I dont wanna mention. I've just decided that I miss the old times. I miss working at Dollar General, and going home to my mom who was normal then, and seeing my granny whenever I wanted to. I miss the way I felt about my life before I met her.
I stood back and took a look at my life tonight. My mother has her boyfriend, and it has become painfully obvious that he is number one in her life. My daddy has Sue, and I wouldnt want either of them to lose their significant others for anything, even though I feel like my mother could do so much better. Michael gives her things she's never had before, nice jewelry, clothes, fancy dinners, lives in a big house. On the flip side, he treats her like a child, and I hate the way he keeps her from seeing me. My daddy has a woman that can talk cars with him and go to concerts with and car shows and take to church. I have no brothers or sisters so it's just me. Of course, you all know my grandmother passed away back in June.
My friends are all going out and finding people to spend forever with, and they find less and less time for me. I am coping better with being alone. I am not as scared of being by myself as I used to be. I prefer to have someone special in my life that I can focus my attention on, but as much as I can, I'm trying to focus my attention on myself. No one else is going to take care of me in the end. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but I started thinking, what if something happened to me? My parents wouldnt know how to get in touch with my friends to tell them I'm gone, and they wouldnt know how I want things done. The one person I told those very personal things to, will now no longer speak to me. And I hate myself for telling her those things. I'm kicking myself for not talking to the girl I have feelings for about it. Instead of just saying it and risking losing a friend, I keep it inside and hope that maybe it will just fall at my feet. Nothing is that simple. I dont know when I'll learn that if I want something, I have to do it myself. I wrote down what I told April in a notebook... how I want things done in the event that something happens to me. It's in the bottom drawer in my kitchen. It will be safe there.
In positive news, I've lost six more pounds. I am not technically on a diet, but I'll take what I can get. I just wish I was losing it in a healthy way. The not sleeping and working like a dog and not getting to eat are the reasons I'm losing weight. I wish I could get some air. Unfortunately I live in the Ghetto and taking a walk would probably.. no, most definitely would mean that I wouldnt live to come home.
So instead I sit here, typing this and just trying to kill some time and calm my mind down enough to possibly fall asleep before daylight.
I hope Sam calls. She said she would at midnight. That's a half hour from now. Sam... she is... something else. We met a few years ago, but about five months or so ago she and I attempted something more than just a friendship. And I KNOW you are all going to say exactly what Roxy said. Sam is younger than me. She is 17, and she's still in highschool. She lives with her parents, but... she and I are almost exactly alike in a lot of ways. The only problem is, beneath it all, she is 17 and she acts 17. She does some drugs, and her friends are really into drugs, and that is another problem for me.
When I say she acts seventeen, I mean... I don't remember acting so immature at seventeen. She's just dude this and dude that, and just... sometimes the sound of her voice annoys the fuck out of me. She's loud, she's obnoxious, but she's into the same things I am, she's pretty, she has a kind heart, and I feel like she will make something of herself one day. Do I have feelings for her?
Sadly, I don't think so. I am going to try and go see her this weekend. I'd have to drive almost 3 hours to see her, but if it would make sorting things out easier for me, it would be worth it.
I want the things that she is missing. I want stability, and that is something not gained from a seventeen year old. I want maturity... and even a little immaturity at the appropriate time. I want someone who knows how to conduct themselves in public. Someone who knows what they want in life and will go after it. Appearance doesnt mean squat to me because beauty is only skin deep, and that doesnt go very far when time stacks itself on your shoulders.
I want someone who... will take things slow. I don't want to fall in love immediately. I want to begin with feelings, and go from there. I am wary about love, and I will thank April for that. Just, there is a girl out there that I do really care for. I'm not sure that she feels the same way, but I know she knows who she is.
*le sighs*
I could be a soap opera all on my own. I define angst sometimes, and if I just had some eyeliner and a razorblade I could be an emo kid. Nah, if I had a razorblade I'd just shave my legs with it. I don't see death as an escape from your problems. It is just the beginning of another world, of a whole new set of problems.
Go listen to Rob Thomas, Little Wonders. It makes me feel like there's hope. |
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