if i fall behind it's cause i'm waiting for now

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:09:03 GMT

Sometimes you have to start over just for the sake of starting over. A new start, a breath of fresh air. Even if its the same dirty air you've been inhaling all along, your mind will tell you you're okay, you're safe. You're in the hands of change, and even though these hands are always changing, the bones within will fight until the next beginning begins.

I like the idea of unclogging my mind. We all like ideas but we never know how to achieve them. But I'm here, and now I'm realizing this is going to be messier than I had thought. I just want you to know there is nothing like this. Love like this doesn't exist to me; I could love you over and over again. You're my favorite song. The words mean more every time, the melody slowly lets out the secrets, each time we're becoming so familiar with each other, each beat we become one. We let the chorus take over as the pace we feel safe; the place we think we know well, but surprises us with new meanings. But that's what love is right? Always learning, always growing, always discovering. And when the song is over there is silence on the outside, and a fucking incredible fight pounding in our chests.

Isn't it amazing how even when we dont have the words to say ourself, we can find them in someone else?

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:03:19 GMT

sleep. dream filled sleep right on the end of the earth. wake and find yourself alone. not alone, lonely.. deep lonely, like the darkness past the edge came and slowly, carefully dragged the breath of your lungs, the beat of your heart, the fill of your veins, through your throat and from your bare mouth and kept them to live on, for you to watch and gasp, bleed, reach. balance on your bones; stand on your toes. keep screaming for it. keep singing with your softest strength to the faint light amongst blackness. dance fierce, dance fierce, even when you cannot feel your own skin. because what is it to you now? the heavy, heavy weight of your hair pulls you, beckons you down, down, but you keep your sorrowful weeping eyes to the light. spin again, and again, but don't look behind you. don't look behind you. set yourself aflame, and reach.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 00:16:05 GMT

I want to dance wth you barefoot in constellations, moving under the changing patterns of the sky above us and its hues of lavender and periwinkle. I want to move, change, and grow with you. I want to sit with you on porches when we are old and wrinkly; I want to watch your hair grow grey under the passing of time. I want to stay by your side and whisper words of comfort through the great still eyes of night and sing words of joy through the laughing eyes of the sun.

So go ahead say I am young and stupid. That I'm only eighteen and a poet besides, but those who have felt the depths of sadness also feel the depths of love. My body is as old as the time it has been here on earth, but my soul has grown since the beginning of time. There is nothing love cannot overcome; there are only people who cannot overcome their disbelief in love and in each other.

So believe in me as you believe in fields stretching and rolling across eons of time, across the deserts of the heaven, as you believe in artists painting images of gods on the ceilings of cathedrals, as you believe in the power of wind and rain and sea. Believe in me with the fierceness of flame; believe in me as you believe in love because that is all I am, and it is all I have, and it is all that we need.

<3 christopher paul demarinis

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:11:56 GMT

If I feel so free, why are all my words stuck. Should I not try to analyze a feeling only I can know? I want to be outside looking in; I don't want to be trapped inside. Latley I can't stay in my own room. Everything familiar is boring me. It's not that I NEED change, I'm just starting to open my eyes to what has always been there that I have neglected while trying to search for myself. HAH.. that was a mistake. Why did I put my life on hold to try to find something that is already there? I don't need to know how I feel all the time. I'm beginning to think that it is okay to not know anything, actually. As long as I can accept it and as long as I'm at peace, then I think I'll be okay. Maybe I was speaking for all the wrong reasons because all the right ones are just too hard to say. Maybe I've been half-assing my way through life. But I'm tired of just sitting back and dreaming. Dreaming is for when you're asleep, isn't it? My eyes are open but I think my ears are the only things working. It's time for me to breathe. How typical of me.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 04:40:05 GMT

rip sidekick
rip backyard swimming pool
:(

goodbye probation!
hello the rest of my life
:)

happy birthday kori!
sake bombs at mt fuji♥
:)

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 May 2007 21:50:07 GMT

Driving home on a rough tongue just to be swallowed in dark?

Streetlights lead me but could it be that I'm just slightly frightened?

Sometimes they resemble teeth ready to crash into me.

Sometimes I resemble a crash.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 20:15:51 GMT

I don't know where I am anymore, it's like I've dissolved and resorted to drifting and gliding through what my life should be. Sometimes I know, sometimes I'm grounded in the reality that has been created for me, but the other times I'm dissociated.

Sometimes I consider just saying fuck everything and going back to my old habits, but to slip back into that niche would be so bad in so many ways. I can't bear to put my family through it again and in the end, it never really helped me much anyway.

I believe I had found myself, found what I needed to do for quite a while and I was somewhat content. I'm kind of back to hopeless right now. Most of the time I'm not happy. I want this all to be over. Three more months, hopefully. I want to leave this state, disappear, and start over. Six more months. The part of me which has to prescribe to all these set rules and regulations is at constant war with the side that wants to explore and disappear.

I think everything that's going on is going to tear me apart one of these days- infact I'm convinced it will. I wish that there was an easier way to accomplish this, but there isn't.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 21:55:57 GMT

I got offered a $10,000 scholarship per year at Temple University :) I'm real pumped to get this school year over with and to get out of here. I'm actually motivated right now to do the right thing and get my shit done so I can have an amazing summer before I go away. I've been clean for 25 days, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that right now. There's times when I feel happier, more alive, and proud of myself for being in recovery, and then there's times when I'm frustrated, overwhelmed, and feel absolutely pathetic. I have gotten some intense urges and a few times I've been close to saying fuck it, but I've been strong. As much as I hate going, High Focus and NA are good learning experiences. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, and who knows what will happen when I'm done with this shit. Winter break has been pretty boring for me but I got a chance to work some extra hours, which is good because I need to start saving up money. This morning I woke up to Chris snoring next to me. Even though I wanted to kill him at the time, he makes me unbelievably happy and is so supportive of everything I'm going through right now<3

Day 2

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 02:36:09 GMT

It seems like these consequences are everlasting. I know I'm an idiot and I made it worse for myself. Drugs, overdose, rehab, drugs, court, probation, drugs, rehab. This program I started today is unbelievably intense. Today reality hit me, hard. This isn't going to be easy.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 20:56:47 GMT

It's funny how someone can be so completely perfect for you, but you just can't be perfect enough for him; you can't be the one inscribed in his mind.

And then there's always the girl you could never be; the one that touches him right inside his flesh, only leaving incisions all over you. The way she cuts is simply divine.

You come to realize that you actually have lost blood over him, that your skin has gone pale and your hands still shake when he looks at you. Don't look back; it just hurts too much. I swear, eyes can kill a girl softly and sweetly, as if they had no idea they could. It's like leaving exquisite lacerations all over your insides so you can devour the rest yourself.

You could conjure every kiss or dream in your mind. You could pray, or cry, or dream. Dream, dream, dream; but every dream shoves you back to your dark room and hollow reflection.

Those dreams were given up so many nights ago. Never forgotten, only pulled to the side for rest and relief. They've gotten so tired of waiting for starlight. I still sing them out into the quiet sometimes for a breath of fresh air, for a beautiful rememberance, for a longing that never really went away.

Shallow hopes fall hard from those ancient grey skies...

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 12:15:09 GMT

Today my body aches, my heart aches, but more dangerously my mind aches as it ponders on tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day and how they'll all come for me. Accepting the fact that I will face tomorrow alone is something I'm trying to cope with. As the days go by, it's becoming more taxing on me as a person to try to maintain meaningless, frivolous relationships. I can't allow myself to be enraptured by something I'll just lose in three or so months. I'm just trying to save myself; I'm trying to get away from the pain and thought of the loss.

I finally, for once, felt alright. I figured out what it is you did to me. You made me feel as though I was floating on air, and I'm afraid that feeling is long gone...

Honestly, I can barely breathe. Today is just another bump in the road to the realization that at the end of the day, nobody loves you but your own mother.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:23:45 GMT

August 3rd-- overdose. Not very many people even know it happened; everyone was wrapped up with their perfect little summers and whatever else. I came minutes away from dying and to this day I really don't know how I feel about that. Right after it happened was a whole mess of crying, hospitals and doctors, more crying, family and a few friends, and a lot of thinking. My parents weren't angry at all, just upset and disappointed. They signed me into an outpatient rehab program at Hackensack University Medical Hospital called Adapt. Obviously, coming close to death doesn't show self control, but I wasn't addicted to those pills that day; I wasn't trying to kill myself; I wasn't trying to party. As rediculous as it sounds, I was just trying to escape reality for a little while. I'm not gonna go and turn all straight edge or become super religious and thank some sort of god for my blessings, but I did begin to wake up each day without taking life for granted.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 19:38:49 GMT

I wish I had the guts to sell every single thing I own and collect every penny to my name. I'd get in my car and just keep driving until I found somewhere far away from here where I could be happy.

I need excitement. I need adventure.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 23 May 2006 17:59:45 GMT

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I think I've come to the point where enough is enough and I should simply just stop caring. I'm tired of waiting for everything to come to me, but I have too much pride to pursue it myself. I don't know. I give up.

And in the grand scheme of things, none of this really matters to any of you.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Apr 2006 06:11:46 GMT

My heart is racing, my breath is shallow, and I am shaking.
The world goes silent for a second before the rush explodes.
The world around me ceases to exist.
For now, I am free..

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:39:26 GMT

I haven't been well lately.
I have been crying more than is natural.

I crave having someone actually be there. I crave waking up in the morning knowing that someone loves me, and going to sleep knowing that they still love me just as much as they did when I woke up.

I really want to be taken seriously too. I don't like being treated like a piece of shit. Odds are, I'm more loyal than you'll ever be.

Let me be honest with you: I need assurance that I'm not alone. I need to know that there are other people out there in the world who give a fucking shit about me.

I want to be who I am for once. I want to stop everything (CONTROL ALT DELETE) and start over from scratch. I want to be who I was meant to be in the first place, not who I've turned myself into.

I'm running out of breath and ways to say the same things over and over.

staring in the mirror, looking back at the person I hate.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:20:12 GMT

I'm not happy with myself. I am alone right now and I guess I deserve to be. I think I've always been alone. I still feel alone when I'm surrounded by people. Keeping things in only makes everything worse. I'd rather remain silent, but my silence seems to speak louder than my words. Am I really that readable? Am I a fucking book? If so, I belong somewhere between the Drama/Horror section collecting dust. I guess it's simple really... I just have to change. I haven't written in a while and it's probably because I am afraid to tap in to what I have actually been thinking; but that was nothing the backspace key couldn't fix. I find myself going to school for 6 hours a day and then working 6 hour shifts to come home and sleep, only to repeat it all. I didn't choose this routine. I want to be so many things. As each day passes, more and more responsibilty is dumped on my shoulders. All I look forward to is my escape. Sometimes it just seems like a bad joke is being played on me and I'm trying to get out of a room with an unlit exit sign. If I make one mistake it out-weighs all the good things I do 100 to 1. I can't deal with that. Why is so much being expected of me? I don't want to stop writing. This feels too good. Maybe writing things isn't necessarily being silent. I can weed out what I truely feel rather those flash emotions that mean nothing. Well, I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully I'll wake up to something better.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 03:12:58 GMT

Sometimes chaos is beautiful to me. Chaos, like primal music. Chaos, like the adrenaline from pain. Chaos, like dark-romantic poetry. Chaos, like painting with your hands. Chaos, like hard kisses. And the warm chaos that drugs produce.

Happy Birthday Arisara! I love youuu.

the little things in life

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:32:30 GMT

The air on a crisp winter morning, and how it bites my skin.

Having nice photo frames filled with pictures of loved ones.

The satisfaction of making my own money.

The feeling of looking in the mirror and being at peace.

Waking up extra early just to watch the sunrise, then drifting off to sleep.

Writing a really good piece of poetry that I put my heart into.

My room, my little place where I can hide from the world.

The butterflies I get in my stomach right before I'm about to kiss someone for the first time.

Getting into warm dry clothes after being out in the rain.

Cleaning out my room and finding something I havent seen in ages/thought I had lost.

The smell in the air right before a storm.

Reading old birthday cards, and looking in a box I have which is full of old love letters and other various sentiments.

Listening to a really sad song, then crying until I can't cry anymore.

Getting lost in a really good book.

One of those days where everything seems to go right.

Being in awe of those people who put everyone before themselves.

The feeling of making love with someone who you truly love.

Looking at pictures of my youth and reminiscing, laughing at all the silly things I used to do.

The hugs my mother gives me that no-one elses will ever compare with.

Putting a whole heap of pop rocks on my tongue and listening to the crackle sound.

Waking up after a really good sleep.

The first mouthful of drink when you are really thirsty.

The feeling before you are about to sneeze and the feeling right after you have sneezed.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Fri, 24 Feb 2006 06:49:33 GMT

I got home about an hour ago, but I came inside just now. I was outside laying on my hammock staring at all the stars. There's fucking hundreds in the sky tonight. Amazing, simply amazing. My entire body is completely numb and I am thoroughly enjoying this.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:35:35 GMT

I'm stressed about the future and looking forward to it at the same time.
I have high hopes for 2006.

Happy New Year.
I hope it's everything you want it to be.

Oh yeah, no new years resolution here. I don't believe in them.
I'm just happy I can start out with a clean slate.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 04:03:36 GMT

I was thinking about how life tries to make up for everything that we lose. Every new love replaces an old one because the only thing you have left is a faint memory, not any physical proof. I need to love something I can grasp. If I lost my sweater and someone bought me a new one it wouldn't be the same as the original, so I would never be as happy with it. So honestly, what's the point in searching anymore? Everytime I think I've found what I'm looking for, the next thing I know I'm getting royally fucked. My heart just can't take it anymore. All of this bullshit is entirely too much.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 02:42:54 GMT

No one really cares if the glass is half empty or half full. All they care about is who knocked the glass over, who got cut, and how much it hurt. I'm starting to feel like I don't even know what love is anymore. I say the words but sometimes I wonder if they even mean anything. I fucking hate how we feed off eachother's tragedy, and how pain and suffering is the only thing that holds us all together. Why does everything have to be so shitty in order for anyone to give a flying fuck?

with this, with you.

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Fri, 27 May 2005 17:24:10 GMT

My heart screams for your touch. My tears hit the ground and echo with your name, not because you hurt them but because they're longing for you to wipe them away. A song written in the key of longing, how foolish to think it would last; foolish to think there was still a chance. Holding you in my arms was better than any moment and undescribable by any lyrics. Nothing and no one will be able to surpass you in your beauty. I feel like a theif for trapping these thoughts of you in my heart. Can I keep these memories? They follwed me home; no one means more to me.

sunset

juliebirks@yahoo.com — Mon, 23 May 2005 17:43:25 GMT

He asked me what was wrong. Before I could answer, he grabbed my wrist and we ran to the top of the hill to catch a last glimpse of the sunset.

"You see that? he said, "That's the most beautiful thing about the world we live in. The sunset. It’s proof that there is a tomorrow on its way. You look at it and there are no worries. It’s always beautiful, even on the dreariest of days. It makes you think about the things you take for granted. It reminds you of the positive things that don’t always seem like they’re there.”

"I never thought of it that way", I replied.

He lowered his head, "When you're having a bad day, think of the sunset, will you? For me?"

I raised my head and directed my attention to his eyes. He shed a tear. He loosened the grip around my wrist, but I put my hand on his cheek and held his head in my arms.

“It’ll be my only thought,” I whispered into his ear as he poured tears onto my sleeve.

He raised his head from my arms, smiled, wiped a solitary tear from his face, and walked away.

All I could think of was the sunset. There’s hope left. The sunset is my hope. The sunset contains all of my dreams. The sunset is my heart. The sunset is another day to become decisive.

All I have is the sunset.