| Goodbye 2006 |
[03 Jan 2007|04:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Finally. Christmas is over.
Why is it so hard for me to enjoy life? I can't even enjoy the most amazing and wonderful time of the year.
I love everything about it. The decorations, the shopping, the stores during christmas-time, the gorgeous clothes, wish lists, family-gathering, christmas tree, candles, carols, parties and so on. But there is one thing that just stops me from enjoying it. I have gained a lot this christmas.
And it's really hard for me. Before december I actually had a good time. I was enjoying my friends and I felt good and very strong. To me, christmas isn't what it used to be. I miss the tickling I used to feel through my entire body when Christmas arrived. I want it back, even though I doubt it will ever happen. And it scares me. Other than that, it was a wonderful time. But I am glad it's over.
I have decided that this year, 2007, will be awesome.
|
|
|
[18 Mar 2006|08:36pm] |
fat fat fat fat fat fat
I have no selfcontrol any more. Wtf has happened.
|
|
| // It's always a body-issue |
[14 Mar 2006|07:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
whatever |
] |
I feel like a 19 yrs old girl. Got tons of stuff which I really like. Presents are so much fun.
And even dad had time to stop by. I am a happy girl right now. Got a trip to Rome from my bessie's.
I love traveling, so that will be good for me.
Ah, feels amazing having this control back. I even feel changed and thinner.
I am dieting right now, which is great for me. For the first time in my life I actually feel healthy.
I just hope it will last cause my biggest fair is to get back to where I started a year ago.
The control is mine now, and I do anything I can to keep it.
Busy these days. School is shitty and I feel so far behind class. I am not optimistic when it comes to my future career. It's scary that I care more about my body than my future. Gah, shallow fuck.
|
|
| Change Me. |
[06 Mar 2006|04:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Johnny Cash |
] |
Bust 90 cm
Waist 72 cm
Hips 88 cm
Height 5ft 10
Weight 138 lbs
Bah. Don't know what to do.
Everything around me reminds me of food.
( Flawless )
|
|
| Up/Fucked |
[04 Mar 2006|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I have eaten so much today, and I really want to do it on my "old" way.
Get rid of this disgusting feeling. But something tells me that I am stronger than that.
I am not the person I used to be. That's in my past. I will not cause my closest any more pain.
But this is pain for me. I hate food. I hate the fucking disgusting food.
I hate that my control isn't as good as it used to be. But then again, I am not that person anymore.
I really need to disapear for a while...
|
|
| Fly with me. |
[27 Feb 2006|02:17pm] |
Today on my way to school I fantasized standing on the middle of the road looking at the car who were just about to hit me and kill me.
If that happened noe one would blame me for being selfish.
They would blame the driver, the time and place. I would be dead, not because of my lack of strength to survive through this life, but because of a car who hit me. My parents wouldn't have to live in wonders for what they had done wrong while raising me, and why they never saw any signs for my action.
They didn't have to tell our neighbours the shame of having a daughter who killed herself, or living in pain for what they could have done to help me before it happened. They would get mad, but not at me, at the driver who drove too fast, even though I was the only one in the way on the road.
It was a beautiful moment, standing there all by myself, in my own fantasy-world.
I think I even managed to smile.
|
|
|
[26 Feb 2006|05:22pm] |
|
I wanna die.
|
|
| LOVE,FEED ME. |
[26 Feb 2006|02:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Van Morrison |
] |
I have a flu. Juuust great.
Have been sick like this for almost a week now, and it doesn't even get any better. All I do is sleep, drink hot tea, taking pills and nose-spray. I haven't been outside the house since...I don't even remember.
So why the hell am I still sick??? Aaaaah, it's so many things I should have done when it comes to school. And I wanna get out and have some social fun. I've also finished reading my books, so I don't have anything left to read. I really need to get outta here before I go mad. I need presents. And some new shoes.
And btw, is there any movies you guys would recommend?
I just need something to do while I am stuck here in my bed dying.
Don't feel sorry for me, I take care of that part myself thank you.
yaaaaaaaawn.
Love <3
|
|
|
[10 Feb 2006|04:12pm] |
I
AM
IN
L O V E.
kghdjkghjkdfhgkfh.
|
|
| Pillow fight? |
[28 Jan 2006|01:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thirsty |
] |
iPod iPod iPod. I love you my boyfriend.
Yesterday was hilarious. Jonathan's room-mate is out of town, so he crashed my place for the night.
He had baked cupcakes, which tasted awful. And no, he is not gay, but bored.
We played singstar, and he got irritated cause I won. Mongishhh.
Anyways, we also saw the movie Napoleon Dynamite. DAMN! I have never cried that much of a movie. Everrr.
He took the whole bed, which was so fucking irritating. Why can't guys try to sleep in a normal position?
And when I tried to get some sleep, he was just fooling around with a red haired wig.
So, lack of sleep. Gee, I need some water..
What's on my schedule today?
Later.
|
|
| Back on feets again |
[08 Jan 2006|12:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lindsay Lohan |
] |
Time moves fast. It's scary! I've been up to a lot of things lately! I've actually been kind of busy, which means I've been having a l i f e.
This christmas have been amazing. Even though I've been eating quite a lot. But I try not to care that much. I just really wanted a normal christmas, and I got it.
I got what I wanted; Clothes, make-up, Gucci-bag, iPod etc etc.
And my cousin Jack came on visit. I haven't seen him in two yrs. It was great. I've missed him.
New Years Eve - party at Liz, then out. Fun fun fun!
Resolutions:
- Lose 11 lbs
- Go out more often
- Visit my cousin much more often
- Buy me a lexicon XD
- Save money
- Work out every day
- Don't skip school cause you're tired and hungry
- Stay focused
- Be happy
- Get a boyfriend
I am at school again. It feels...weird. But great, I think. This year, I work my butt off.
I am kind of busy these days. Like it.
Love, me <3
|
|
|
[07 Dec 2005|04:43pm] |
Been thinking about my way of living lately. Which means I've been quite busy.
I have had this huge ball inside me, that never left my body. It was always
telling me what to do, how to act and that all I did and who I were was
only a invisible shadow of the truly me. But it's all gone now.
It's great. I can finally breathe again. And see light. I can smile again.
|
|
| Shining through me. |
[16 Nov 2005|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
satisfied |
] |
Sometimes I feel like I've changed just through one day. Sometimes an hour. It's weird. I have this theory that if I do something and I regret after doing it, I've grown. Scary theory actually, cause I regret too often. Which also means, I grow older often. Where did my life blow?
I feel thin today. Felt it since I woke up. It's wonderful. When I feel thin, I feel like I can handle everything. I love not feeling depressed for once. Therefore I need to keep on doing this well.
I hate reading about others sadly stories about their body-issues. So why do I complain myself? From now on my body is mine, and only mine. And it belongs to my truthfully thoughts. I will never talk about how bad I did food-wise or how fat I look. It only makes me even more hungry. I have started on writing down every single thing I put in my mouth and swallow. I need to have some rules and I need to follow them. I need to feel thin. That makes me feel happy and worth living. Which is beautiful.
I've also done tons of homework. Gosh, I really feel like this new person! And I feel pretty. I hate to admit it, but I smiled when I looked myself in the mirror today. Anyway, as I said, tons of schoolwork is done. And I need some sleep before I go on with new adventures tomorrow.
I need someone to talk to sometimes. How do I get to known more on here?! Please answer.
Love ♥
|
|
|
[13 Nov 2005|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
Will I always be this negative?!
Yes.
|
|
| Feel like killing |
[02 Nov 2005|05:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Coldplay |
] |
My second blog. I hate that I don't have any time for free-time anymore. That's why I still have this horrible layout. Haven't got time figuring out how to use this LJ yet. Really hope that time ever will come. I miss my childhood...
Feel so tired. Need rest, but I have no time for that cause of all the school-work I have to do. We also have this huge test about chemistry next tuesday which I am so nervous about. I mean, what the fuck is chemistry? I have missed many of the classes, and feel like I have to take this year all up again.
My mum is baking these huge chocolate-cupcakes now for my sisters birthday. I need to get out of the house before I freak out. The smell is almost everywhere in the house now. The only place where there isn't anything near what so ever called "food" is behind my room-door. Love my room. It is the only place I feel safe, and where I can do whatever I want to do without anyone watching me or judging me. It's my shelter.
Tomorrow I feel like staying home. Wanna drink me so drunk that I can't feel anything. I really wanna disappear.
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2005|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
Me: Em, what is your biggest dream?
Em: What's wrong Jen?
Me: Nothing.
Looking in the mirror and trying to figure out whats gonna happen to me.
Why am I so depressed? Why has my self-esteem gone from ten to one?
And why do I even wake up in the morning?
There is so much I don't know about myself.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
__wonderchild's journal