This made me really happy.

This made me really angry.  What kind of animal punches a monkey and then is so unashamed of his actions that he advertises the fact on the BBC website?!  And this wasn't some great hulking beast, 'the monkey was only about a foot high'.  When a monkey tried to get into Rosemary's bag while we were on the rock of Gibraltar, Martin's first action was not to drop kick it into the ocean. 

Apparently "the monkey tumbled over a nearby temple wall overlooking a steep slope leading down to the sea".  Fuck.  If I catch up with you, pal, the monkey will not be the only thing that ends falling down a sharp incline and into the sea.

Cunt.

Oh my God, the repair man who fixed our washing machine about 10 minutes ago, has just come storming back up to the flat to complain that he's been given a parking ticket and that we had to give him the money for it.

He picked the wrong fucking day to mess with me.

I was in the shower and I overheard Duncan struggling to get rid of him (bless him, Duncan's not very good with confrontation) so I got out of the shower, covered in shampoo and soap, to tell him to sling his hook.

It quite clearly states that it's zoned parking at the entrance to our carpark.
I made it clear to the cheeky fat fuck that I did not give a shit about his problem and that if he had any complaints he could speak to our letting agency.
He said he would not come back to fix our washing machine ever again and, do you know what? I don't give a damn because I move in 3 weeks.
Fuck you, you lardy arsehole!

Leanne 1, workmen 0

Leanne is just the same as everyone else
So the other day I came across a bloke lying face down on the steps of a church, totally bawling his eyes out. Something truly awful must have happened because he was properly wailing and struggling to catch his breath. I stood there for ages, watching other people walking past...I wanted to check that he was okay (although, he clearly wasn't). He looked pretty normal; close cropped blond hair, blue t-shirt and jeans.

In the end I didn't speak to him. I feel really bad about that...i'm just like all those other people who walked past, trying to hide the fact that they were staring...

God. I really disappoint myself sometimes.


Well that was gross.
So I was at home last weekend and I ended up watching some T in the Park 'highlights' with my parents. I noticed that there was a flag with lots of writing on it, bobbing around in the crowd and I spent a few minutes trying to figure out what it said before I gave up and went back to reading GQ. I was busy contemplating whether or not I could get away with sending the editorial team packets of white powder in the post when my thoughts were rudely interrupted by my dad shouting "Show us your beaver!"...
*cue embarrassed silence*
Apparently that's what the flag said...

Just recounting that story has made me feel a little bit sick.

Some shit-for-brains supermarket trogs just refused to sell me alcohol. Those wretched, cretinous, syphilitic cunt bags! I will burn that place to the fucking ground! Those smug fucks will not escape and if I ever have to set foot in another Sainsburys ever again I will contaminate as much of their merchandise as is humanly possible with my own biological waste.

Even if I have to hack open a vein in my wrist with the lid of an open can of Del Monte fruit salad, I will ensure they have to stay closed for days.
For days I tell you!
And then i'll point out that i'm mentally unstable and all i'll get is community service and some compulsory trips to a psychiatrist. HA!


*head in hands*
Jesus. Today has just been so unutterably vile.

Bulletproof
So yesterday that weird Nosferatu-looking bloke at work, oozed over, looking concerned, to tell me that, while he liked the pale and interesting look, sickliness was 'quite another matter'...
WTF!
What the hell do I do to encourage these fucking freaks to give me their frank and honest opinion about my appearance!
Next time someone's going to get a fucking punch to the throat.


On a much nicer note: Yesterday, my friend Paul described me as 'someone without any malice'.
I thought this was a lovely thing to say...even if it does mean that he doesn't know me very well... ;D

So my little dog died this morning. She was 18 so she did better than I thought she would.

Sophie

Why do pets hate hoovers?
I've just had a flat inspection. It took me, like, 20 minutes to hide the guinea-pig. Poor little thing...its looking a bit traumatised now. It's been a bad few days for V. The other night I came home completely caned and attempted to clean out his cage. I got straw and shit everywhere (my flatmates were less than impressed)...and I wasn't quite as careful with the timid little pig as I usually am. We have taken several steps backwards in the trust stakes.


Leanne's favourite buildings in Edinburgh: Part 1
Powderhall Waste Transfer Station
Chancelot Mill

I really love skanky industrial architecture. If its monolithic and made of corrugated iron, i'll think it's beautiful. People who say that these buildings are eyesores are just not looking properly. They're monuments to our rampant consumerism and their scale and their highly visible slide into disrepair, just makes them so much more wonderful.


Am I that obvious?
Teeth: "What's wrong with you?"
Leanne: *looking a little flushed* "Nowt, why?"
Teeth: "You look really happy"
Leanne: *grins* "Yeah I just had a dirty thought about someone" *wanders off*
Less than 30 seconds later:
Ash: "You look very happy!"
Leanne: *laughs*

Leanne: "Aw, i've had my haircut and now my hair's a different colour on the short side where my hair dye's grown out. I look like a weird goth battenburg!"

In other news...
On Saturday I unblocked Bob's drainage hole with a butter knife.

Yum!!
These are the ingredients in a jar of Old El Paso Guacamole:
Avocado (26%) , Peas , Water , Chopped Tomato (9.9%) , Onions (7.8) , Garlic Puree , Modified Corn Starch , Jalapeno Chilli Pepper (1.1%) , Emulsifier: Glycerol , Salt , Dried Glucose Syrup , Acidity Regulator: Glucona Delta-Lactone (WTF!) , Spices , Sugar , Dextrose , Avocado Flavour , Lemon Juice Concentrate , Herbs , Flavour Enhancer: Monosodium Glutamate , Citric Acid , Antioxidant: Ascorbic Acid , Emulsifier: Methylcellulose , Garlic Powder , Lime Flavouring , Stabilisers: Guar Gum, Xantham Gum , Colourings: Quinoline Yellow, Brilliant Blue FCF , Vegetable Oil

Who eats this shit!?
I feel very unwell.

I'm about to go over to Scoot, Duncan, Bloob and Jiminy Cricket's place to clean their flat...
I'm actually looking forward to unleashing some lemony justice all over their kitchen. :D

Last night I got wolf-whistled by a fat man who was rubber-necking at a road traffic accident whilst listening to really tinny hip-hop on his mobile phone.
Yup, I really attract the winners.

I've been looking at flats all week...unfortunately my flat mates and I seem unable to agree on a property so far...I'm worried that getting up early in the mornings to view flats before I go to work is making me a very bad person. On Thursday I had a screaming fit at a pair of jeans.

"The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are, with whoever they're there with"
Ive been listening to Brand New's 'Deja Entendu' a lot. It's such a great album.

Venusaur
So I got my adorable new guinea pig yesterday. He's lovely but he's totally freaked out about being in a strange new place with even stranger new people. I was going to post a picture of him but he's got the teenage angst and is very keen on hiding in his bed at the moment. His front half is dark brown and he has a ginger butt. :)
He's blind in one eye...and the eye looks kinda shriveled and white...which takes a bit of getting used to at first...but you know i'm a sucker for a boy that looks like he's been used a bit badly by life, so i'm sure it's the start of a beautiful friendship. ;D

Catch
One of the flats i'm looking round tomorrow is in an apartment building with a swimming pool and a gym. Fingers crossed the flat itself is perfect.
*crosses fingers and toes*