// Locked against everyone //

Oh God. Oh God.

Now I know why Wes was all with the running out and the 'I'm happy for you' shit. He heard me in the bath when Dennis was-- And he thought Lindsey and I were-- Oh God.

No wonder he ran out of there. Jesus Christ on a moped. We weren't even doing anything! Lindsey was-- Holy crap.

// Unlocked //

Wesley? For the record you are one giant dumbass.

Current Mood: embarrassed

Remember when I used to say that the Powers had, like, NO sense of timing whatsoever?

When they used to send me visions at the most innoportune moments ever - like when I was doing that commercial for that thing that got rid of grass stains or my last can't-even-call-it-a-date on account of how badly it ended with me having a vision and pretty much drooling into his plate of pasta?

Yeah, well three years, a coma and even a pissed off employee don't change that because this morning? I got my first vision.

It had to happen when there was nobody around but the kids. Wes and Lindsey were visiting Connor in prison, Willow wasn't answering her cell and I really didn't have a clue of who else I could call during all of this 'cause, hey, not anybody else's problem, y'know?

So the kids are pissed with me. Apparently they don't like the neighbour across the street 'cause she smells funny and--What else was I supposed to do, exactly? Go and fight that stupid ick monster while they sat in the car and ate ice cream? Sure! Wesley would only kill me a *lot* when he came home.

Not only that but they weren't all that aware that Aunt Cordy could float, which is still weird in itself.

Said ick monster is dead. I'm okay, if a little bruised after being tossed against a wall and backhanded across an alleyway. Incidentally, my cheek hurts worse than when Faith smacked me one. I swear, that thing had fists like iron.

Dennis is treating me to a long bath. A really long bath. The kids are playing and I swear to God if just one person interrupts this? They're gonna find their head on a platter.

Current Mood: sore

// Locked to Kennedy, Willow and Hope //

I feel kinda bad about locking this from Willow, but I'm honestly not sure she knows yet so--Here goes. Buffy's in the hospital. Faith's twin sister (who sounds like she's leaning heavier on the side of unhinged than Faith ever was and you know it's bad if I'm saying this) tried to have her killed.

In a way that involved guns.

Not only that? But Kennedy was involved.

So here it is, guys. Here's the thing. They're gone. They're not coming back. I get the rage more than you think because I'm bitter that everything's been taken away and if you think I don't know loss? Try me again. I'm hurting too.

Granted, I'm not Buffy. I wasn't Faith, I'm never gonna be Fred and as much as I love the kid, I'm not Connor. I don't hurt like they do, did, whatever. It doesn't matter now. Semantics.

Buffy's hurt now and they don't know that she'll pull through and I guess we should be getting to the point where we ask when's it enough?

I miss them. I miss Angel and Faith and Fred too, even though I'm trying not to think that what I've heard is actually true. And I guess, on my end (for Angel at least) it's a little hypocritcal because I stopped being his friend a while ago but I'm gonna be harsh.

Get over it. Take your inner moppets and find some place else to spank them that doesn't involve guns 'cause sooner or later you're gonna run out of bullets and people to blame for all this shit and when that day comes? You'll be just as much to blame as everyone else for your hand in it all.

It shouldn't have got this far. It did. But it shouldn't have and now someone has to finish it.

// Unlock //

Current Mood: angry

*dials Wesley's cellphone*

I swear to God, Wesley, if you don't get your ass home right the *hell* now I'm gonna beat seven shades of crap right out of it.

Not answering your cellphone at a time like this? Not exactly your best plan ever. Just saying.

Current Mood: angry

I guess everybody's heard by now. Kinda wish I knew what to say so I wasn't just staring at a blank page. The kids are playing in the other room, Wesley hasn't come home yet. I'm not even sure he knows. Lindsey called. He's on his way home and I'm--Yeah.

I lost two friends today. And I've done losing friends - you kinda got used to it being in Sunnydale and growing up above a Hellmouth but this... Fred. Angel. This is different. This hurts more because it was never supposed to happen. Not that any of the others were. I guess that sounds selfish, it's just--We were never supposed to be *here*, y'know? None of us.

Angel and I didn't talk much over the last few weeks but I kinda hoped. Maybe that was stupid after everything that happened, but I hoped that maybe we could get it back and he and Wesley could try and start over and now it's just *gone* and there's no second chance.

And I promised. I promised that if the day ever came that he turned back into Angelus, I'd do it myself but--I tell myself that was different too. What was it Connor said? Whatever lets you sleep at night. I wasn't part of his life then. He had Buffy and I had Wes and Lindsey and this new family and I was trying to move on and now it all feels like this giant cop-out. Like I shouldn't be happy now or thankful for what I've got because the world seems a little less bright without them in it.

Fred and I spoke on the phone last week. She was giddy about some dumb thing she was working on in the lab and she used to get like that about her stupid contraptions in the hotel that could totally be a toaster or take one of your arms off and I don't get it. Okay, so it's not like I need an explanation. I've been round vampires enough to know the logistics of what happens when someone gets turned but-- Why?

Why them? Why not someone else? Why couldn't the Powers send me a vision?

Alicia keeps hovering at the door, wanting to know about Fred, wanting to check her journal and play for a while. I'm gonna try to keep them off this thing. I can't tell them on my own. I can't watch their face crumple like that. I'm gonna wait for Wes and Lindsey, I just wanted to--I just needed to get this out there somewhere.

I'm sorry, guys. I really am. I'm just sorry. If any of you need anything--You know where to find me.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Rain - Patty Griffin

So, Connor and I had 'The Talk'.

It's weird because for a kid who grew up in a hell dimension, had three different lives and collected ears for a hobby, he's surprisingly well-adjusted. More adjusted than other people, I think - especially those who think it's their business who the hell I date these days and what it is that happened last year.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion, sure, but when they don't even know me any more? Kinda hypocritical, y'know?

Not only that but-- Thinking I'm evil? Fine, I kinda get Connor's logic but, uh, hello. I try and have people killed and nobody bats an eyelid but I start to visit amusement parks and smile a lot more and all of a sudden I'm Jane the Ripper? Pfft and whatever.

So yeah, Connor and I talked. It was strange at first. All small talk and awkwardness and he totally did a me and skipped right by all that. He said he hated me a little and--I guess I was okay with that. How could he not?

We have different ways of seeing things, I think - though we're definitely clear on the fact that I wasn't his Mom. I mightn't like Darla all that much (did everyone know she was back or am I just way out of the loop?) but I wasn't standing in line to take that title from her. Not once, not ever.

Still doesn't make what happened right but we talked about that too and he said I was entitled to feel the way I did. Again, weird, but not awful. I wasn't in the driving seat for a lot of that, but the stuff I was there for? I made my decision and I'm the one who's living with that. I don't regret going with Connor when I had no memory - he was the only one who wasn't lying to me and pretending everything was fine. I needed that. I'm dealing with what happened after, just like he is.

We parted on good terms, I think. Agreed to be friends 'cause we're both stubborn enough to make something like that work and now I'm home again, right in the middle of worried looks from Wes and Lindsey.

My protests of 'I'm okay' don't seem to be washing with them but I really kind of *am*, y'know? Things are better. I just needed someone to talk to me about what happened and not sweep it under the carpet as though it never happened.

We're bringing Dennis over to the house later. Wes found some spell that'll let my Ghostly Resident become Resident here and--I can't wait! We've explained to the kids (as best we can, anyway) and I'm gonna sit Dennis down and remind him that there'll be no throwing books at the *other* two guys in my life. And that I've bought a new loofah.

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Sorta Fairytale - Tori Amos

Mom called this morning. One of my oh-so-distant relatives is getting married and could I please be in attendance since I was comatose for her baby shower last year? Jesus Christ on a moped, they piss me off.

First of all, it's not my fault that I was in a coma. Second of all, hello Mom, natural childbirth wiped you out - try giving birth to a six foot black woman and not feel the strain for a couple of months afterwards. Honestly, the woman drives me insane sometimes.

There she was gushing about how nice it is that I've got myself a steady job that pays well and-- "The perks of working for a law firm as big as that must be outstanding, Cordelia. I've been telling everyone I know."

Uh, 'scuse me? I don't work for a goddamn law firm. So I tell her this and my mother gets way huffy, saying that she can't just come out and say that her daughter helps run a detective agency with two *men* - it's just not done!

So this morning, I dropped a bombshell. I may have embellished a little on details. I told her that what she could tell people if she wanted me to attend this wedding was that I was in a relationship with two guys - yes, that's TWO, Mom, work out the logistics on your own - and I happen to have two semi-daughters in this insane yet happy little arrangement.

Right around that time? Mom got all quiet and told me she'd be telling them I was busy. Ha. I win.

Lindsey? We need to talk - don't worry, it's nothing bad. We just need to talk is all. Wesley? We're starting to forget what you look like. I like a good book as much as anybody but seriously. *grins*

Did I mention I had new shoes? Did I?

Current Mood: mischievous

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

So, apparently I'm gluttonous, moderately violent and--What the hell is heretic? It's a good thing I don't believe in this internet survey hooey because... Look at the questions for crap's sake. True or False: Some people, such as Nostradamus, are able to predict future events. Hello, Seer! Or at least I *was*. Geez.

( // Locked against everyone // )

Current Mood: nervous

Wes is better. His fever's down, he's actually up and about and NOT babbling about Babylonian Dragon bowls or whatever and he looks a little better (though still kind of pale to me and the way he shook after getting dressed this morning? Whoo boy.)

He still made me go shopping, however. I admit that there wasn't much force involved - as much as I love Wes, Lindsey and the kids even I need a break sometimes - so off I went, telling myself that I was only going for vitamin C to keep his strength up and-- Okay, shoes. But they're pretty and kind of a little on the expensive side and totally give me killer legs.

I just need to find a skirt to go with them.

( // Locked against everyone // )

Okay. Time for a little more retail therapy and then I'll head home. No sign of Dennis yet. We got all my stuff over from my old apartment but... I think Dennis is a little stubborn. He never really was good at sharing me the apartment.

Current Location: Starbucks
Current Mood: okay

I've been Ms. Slacktastic in updating this thing again, haven't I? It comes to something when a kid not even half your age yet can figure out what the 'nudge' function does (thanks, Alicia).

So, what's been happening with me lately - I'm sure you're all dying to know (yeah, that was sarcasm). Wes and the kids moved out. I'm not as happy about getting 'my space' back as I thought I was. At first I thought they were the insane kind of substitute for my ghost and then I realised that the house is just kinda empty without them in it, y'know?

Doyle... I don't know what to think about Doyle. I've looked everywhere, visited every old haunt of his I could think of and new ones that I just know he'd appreciate and he's just gone. Was it some joke? I mean, were the Powers just looking down and deciding that my life didn't suck enough right then, they'd send him back and--Okay, not talking about this. Talking about this leads to talk of evil lawyers and the demon spawn that's not from Hell and I'm not getting into that.

Wes invited me round to their new place for a housewarming of sorts last night and if he thinks I don't know about him and Lindsey he *so* has another thing coming. Talk about dropping anvils from vast heights! It was written all over them! Plus, Once Evil Lawyer Boy kinda sealed the deal when he kissed him right in front of me.

Wes, gay... I made jokes about it sure but--He seems happy, at least, and I think I looked disgruntled enough at my current lack of lovelife to really make Wes feel sorry for me 'cause he let me watch The Princess Bride again. That was met with--Well, weirdness when we woke up the next morning. I so wouldn't have liked explaining where someone had a hand if Alicia or Marilee had walked in right then. Geez. Warm faces - at least on my part anyway. And Lindsey's. Wes didn't seem all that phased by it and I thought he'd react like a bigger girl than me. *shakes head* "I'm Cordelia, the giant ho who gets felt up after demanding to watch a kiddy-movie."

God. What's with me today, am I, like, extra-flagellaty or something? Everyone's getting some but me. Not that I want any. Geez, no. Unless they develop a way to give you it without the dumbstick. Pfft.

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Anyway - Gavin DeGraw