be my, be my little rock and roll queen's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
be my, be my little rock and roll queen

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[24 Jan 2012|12:22am]
when i was eight, i visited my father and he bought me a collection of short stories by guy de maupassant. and also great expectations by charles dickens, which was the more interesting work to me at the time - being eight, although i had a very advanced reading age, i hadn't yet developed an interest in french literature (and nor was i a fan of short stories, preferring long novels). i put maupassant aside, and largely forgot about it; i think i still have the copy somewhere, but i'm lost as to where it could be. i'm sure it's around though, because it's one of few things i associate with him that i actually wanted to keep.

when i was seventeen, i went to an oxford interview and was browsing in blackstones when i saw the same collection of short stories. i bought it and pored over it and loved it.

in some ways, it was an odd choice of gift from him - impeccable taste, as i love maupassant still, and it sparked an interest in french literature, but odd. unusally impeccable taste, to be honest - my father wasn't particularly into literature, or anything really. odd because regardless of intellect, i don't think any eight year old is developed enough to understand the work at anything greater than face value. i would have comprehended every word, and understood it in a very literal context, but i wouldn't have appreciated the nuance i do now.

but it's always stuck with me, clear as a bell. one of few completely fond memories. or perhaps fond isn't the word - neutral?

[22 Jan 2012|05:55pm]
me, i'm just trying to do this jigsaw puzzle before it rains anymore

so, i don't want to jinx myself but i've been fighting with doing my property law reading for 2-3 days and i'm finally getting somewhere. i must've read the 40 or so pages 3-4 times by now but it just won't go in.

today is the greatest day i've never known [21 Jan 2012|01:37am]
pink ribbon scars
that never forget
i tried so hard
to cleanse these regrets
my angel wings
were bruised and restrained
my belly stings

this is why the smashing pumpkins are one of my all time favourite bands. this song is so fucking perfect. it reminds me of being thirteen; when i went on a huge pumpkins binge, and when i started to sink into depression, and of bouts of sheer desolation where i'd give anything to feel numb. i've always felt very attached to this song, because of how deeply it resonates with me, even though the extent to which it sums up a period in my life almost feels cliched?

finally getting to see this song live in 2007 was a definitive moment. although the lyrics will forever remind me of that time in my life, the melody will forever remind me of the summer i was fourteen and constantly playing siamese dream on repeat on ecstatic, blazing hot sunny mornings, and a brief period of sheer optimism.

i almost want to begin my next therapy appointment by playing this song and saying that, that is how i feel. and i would like to drive an ice cream van; but then, i always feel terribly sad when i see ice cream vans. they remind me of childhood pleasures and hearing the ice cream van stop in my neighbourhood every day and being so excited, begging my mother for some money, running down the road to get one. something so pure and simple and joyous and i feel so inexplicably sad and crushed at the memory of it.

"instead of underpants i covered my crotch in potato salad this morning. thoughts?" [18 Jun 2010|07:04pm]
i LOVE the big bang theory far too much <3

[31 Mar 2010|04:26pm]
it's time for a fresh start. i haven't stopped journalling, i suppose; i just offload my crap in other fora and it's probably a lot more helpful to everyone all round if i do it here rather than there.

recent developments - i've begun seeing a psychiatrist for therapy, have come on and off prozac, and am finally trying to address myself. this means that i am generally a lot angrier these days, as i am now aware that i have been repressing anger and guilt, and need to let it out before i go ka-boom again. this has resulted in me being less of a doormat. yes, doormat. i don't seem like a doormat, but i am emotionally. i place others' emotional needs way above my own. no more. i have every right to feel. i have every right to talk about how i feel. and i have every right to tell someone they are bringing me down and a negative force in my life.

god, that sounds so new-age-spiritual-bollocks.

i'm taking time out of uni. in the sense that i am having to defer my exams because i'm really not in a place to deal with them right now. during reading week i saw my gp for a regular checkup. they saw my scars, they questioned me, they persuaded me to take antidepressants by zeroing in on my desperate fear of failure. that's the first time anyone's successfully offered them to me in eight years. and i am desperate. which is why despite reacting very badly to prozac (hyperanxiety, constant crying, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, tmi physical side effects) i want to try something else right now. i'm not coping, and i'm not living. but i have enough perspective to know this. deeprooted issues with people and relationships and trust aside, on a daily basis i'm struggling to get out of bed. if i do get out of bed, there's then the mammoth task of showering. and then getting dressed. i'm quite a high functioning depressive most of the time; i hide it very well. i've hidden it from myself for years. but right now it's smothering me and, truth be told, it's hard enough getting through the days as it is. i don't quite know what would happen if i tried to factor exams and university into the mental equation. since reading week, everything's gone into hyperdrive and i've missed tons of lectures, tutorials, and work because i just can't cope with it. it doesn't help that i've developed RSI, so trying to do any work at the minute is a source of great physical pain. even the tiny daily tasks are painful. that's definitely exacerbated the depression.

idk. i feel like this is all quite honest of me, and it probably seems very weird to anyone reading this that i would write and post this. i'm not going to re-read it. all i can say is that i know that nobody actually reads this right now, and that in itself is a great comfort in terms of allowing myself to be frank about what i'm going through without feeling like a whiny emo teenager. and i guess the security of therapy helps too; i know that i am not working through this alone. and i know that this isn't 'nothing'. i'm finally able to admit something is wrong.

[10 Mar 2010|11:34pm]
i picture you in the sun
wondering what went wrong
falling down on your knees
asking for sympathy
being caught in between
all you wish for
and all you've seen
and trying to find anything
you can feel that you can believe in
may god's love be with you
may god's love be with you
i know i would apologise
if i could see your eyes
cos when you showed me myself you know
i became someone else
but i was caught in between
all you wish for and all you've seen
i picture you fast asleep
the nightmare comes but you can't keep awake
may god's love be with you
may god's love be with you
may god's love be with you
if i find
if i find my way
how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
i'll find you
i'll find you
oh i don't know any more
what it's for
i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun
would you help me to understand
cos i';ve been caught in between
all you wish for and all you need
oh now maybe you're not even sure
what it's for now anymore
may god's love be with you
may god's love be with you
may god's love be with you
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
if i find
if i find my way how much will i find
i'll find you
i'll find you
x / [1]

i simply love you [25 May 2009|01:05am]
and i guess that's why they call it the blues
time on my hands could be time spent with you
x / [2]

you're just like a dream [21 May 2009|01:59am]
[ mood | blah ]

so. i have discovered one of my friends is actually a weak bully; needless to say he's no longer a friend. making fat jokes/grabbing someone's stomach and making pregnancy jokes/writing 'feed me' on them when they're drunk? and then LYING about it? how ignorant and small-minded, especially at nineteen/twenty. i feel violated by the stomach thing slightly.

two exams down, two to go. i have a feeling these two will go badly in comparison to the first two; i'm so unmotivated. FUCK.

i love this song purely because it has my name in it. go me.


[04 May 2009|03:36am]
oh my god, i go back a year or so, maybe a year and a half in my journal entries and it feels like a lifetime ago. completely. worrying about various boys and detailing everything. and i read through it and i'm like, omg, i don't remember that? whoa, how could i forget that! and so on and it's.... it's nice. i think i'd like to actually use this thing regularly again if i can. it's embarrassing, having every awkward phase of your life there to reflect on, but it's kind of lovely at the same time. even if i was a craaaazy stalker.

[05 Apr 2009|03:52pm]
so i guess this is what drifting apart feels like again.

a month or so ago one of my best friends -- who's drifted from her old group of friends and, at home, probably just has two or three of us left -- came to stay with me. and we were catching up and i was so envious of her.

when i was younger, i had no qualms about letting go. i don't keep in touch with primary school friends. i occasionally bump into them, but it's always them remembering me and not the other way around. after secondary school, things changed and i've stayed very close to them. on my gap year, i spent a hell of a lot of time with my friends; i'd work and then go out with them most evenings. they've come to mean a lot to me.

so this friend; she came to stay with me and i began to think she had it all. she's looking to buy a house with her boyfriend before she's 21, is in a committed relationship (although she doesn't even know the extent of it), has job security and is working her way up her career ladder.

but it's only now that i'm beginning to question my own path. yesterday, we met up with her boyfriend and a mutual good friend. the mutual friend and i both live in london now and yet we rarely meet up; when we have done though, things have been good still. and yesterday i got this overwhelming sense of people moving on with their lives and ditching the past. yes, people have to move on; but i and my three best friends remain in frequent contact, see and speak to each other regularly despite being in four different locations most of the time. i'd just about accepted the idea that you can retain friends for a hell of a long time and now it's in doubt again. i see people prioritising work above their friends. yesterday, i saw that mutual friend give up on social etiquette altogether with me. i was talking to her, somebody else said something to someone else, and she cut me off mid-sentence with 'SORRY?'. there were snipes and digs at me, however intentional they may or may not have been. it'd started out as an awesome day; i'd got some stuff done and i was so happy about seeing my friends because, knowing i couldn't afford to travel to see them and join them for lunch and shopping, they'd changed their plans and came to see me. and then i went home from it feeling quite deflated.

to be honest, i feel quite strongly that i would much much rather be back in london right now. i miss my london friends, and i miss having fun with them and everything being easy and enjoyable and uncomplicated.

yes, life goes on and the world keeps turning without you; but it doesn't change the fact that it feels like there's something missing when you come 'home'. and that's sad. home used to feel like refuge from uni; now uni feels like refuge from home.

the day the snow came [02 Feb 2009|05:55pm]
[ mood | calm ]

so london has snow. epic amounts of snow. it's amazing, it's wonderful, i love it! most snow since '95 apparently; all i know is i don't ever remember there being so much or it lasting more than a day. where i'm from, we'd get a day of snow maybe every now and then, and when i was quite young i'd get all wrapped up in layers and gloves and a scarf and hat and go and build a snowman on our tiny front garden.

in fact, this icon is the last time i remember there being snow -- the house i grew up in was pretty much surrounded by fields to the back and side, and i walked up there and took photos on my very first digicam and none of them came out that great, as you can see by the blur, but i thought it was so beautiful. this even white blanket stretching hundreds and hundreds of metres, mostly unspoiled.

x / [5]

[16 Nov 2008|01:14am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

there is nothing more satisfying than bleaching a toilet.

i think i figured out why my sleep's been so screwed up lately -- i've had major essay stress. i hadn't been sleeping at night AT ALL for the last week and a half. only a few snatched hours in the middle of the day. (even if i hadn't slept in 48 hours, i couldn't sleep at night. properly fucked up.) so i hand in an essay that i hadn't even really been consciously thinking about and BOOM, i'm able to sleep at night again. awesome!

i also had a really nice night; the boys asked if i was going to the sports cafe, and i said no. so they were all, 'we'll wait for you! it'll only take five minutes to get ready, come on, it'd be lovely if you came along. i'll buy you drinks!' etc. bless. bearing in mind i hadn't showered all day and felt disgustingly ill, i steadfastly refused but i appreciated it so much because i'm often insecure about how i fit in in this flat. and i felt like i fitted into the group because of that.


and i was just pottering about the flat, fixing myself a sandwich etc and i realised that i really do think of this place as home. it's lovely, i love this little flat. so cute, nice location, and i love my room! awh. i'd totally hug this flat right now if it were possible.


[02 Nov 2008|02:36pm]
so two months on and i have come to the conclusion a) i like uni. a lot. and b) i have been a stupid twat.

it hit me that i came into this clinging to my old friends to the point where i wouldn't let anyone in, in fear, i suppose, of replacing them. but that's bollocks. absolute bollocks and everything was my own fault -- i've seen that the last few days because by trying harder, i'm having more fun and getting more out of everything.

so YAY. halloween was awesome, went to matter, enjoyed it hugely despite staying out til like 4.30 (when i usually prefer to be in way before that) because i just forgot everything from before, forgot all my preconceptions and just had fun and got on with people and yeah. good times.


[19 Sep 2008|11:52pm]
i think i'm going mad

i dunno

i'm sat here crying and looking at my corkboard which is situated behind the laptop. and it's full of photos of my friends. and it's like, i've left that behind for this. for being in a flat of people who make me feel like they're disappointed if it's me that answers the flat phone when they call, or if i walk into the kitchen. or if i do anything.

i feel like people grudgingly talk to me. because they have to. i say something, it goes ignored. gets blanked. the only time there's any interest in me is if i've got my fucking camera out taking pictures of them.

we went out, couldn't get in to the waterfront, stood around for a fucking age. and natasha, who was drunk off her face, was sat with nick and patrick. and i went over just to say one thing quickly and she was like 'PISS OFF PIPPA' and they just looked shocked and laughed and i just laughed it off and then fucked off because what is the point in fucking standing about doing nothing when it's so clear nobody fucking wants you there?

hgue fucking failure. couldn't even manage to cut myself properly.

and it's like a catch 22. if i'm right, i suck. if i'm wrong and i'm just paranoid, i suck.

[09 Sep 2008|12:41am]
i feel...

i think i hit on the way i've been feeling lately tonight. was talking about being thirteen and it hit me that i feel soulless now compared to then. i let people walk over me, i don't have the same attitude or outlook anymore and i don't seem to be fighting for myself. it's like i've given up. i know i'm way, way more insecure now than i was then, but back then i actually considered myself. acted on what i wanted, didn't just suppress it all completely, was able to bond with people so easily because i wasn't constantly planning out what to say in my head and limiting myself to inane safe chitchat. i've lost my sarcasm, lost my joie de vivre, become bland and slowly i've blurred around the edges. even just a few years ago my brother used to say how i was so sharp i kept him on his toes. so did my english teacher; he used to comment on how i was witty/quick-witted.

and now... now i feel empty. and lost. like somewhere along the way i forgot myself, only i'm still physically here.

and i don't know what it's going to take to help that, or if i even can. the last time i felt like me was at oxford, when i came back full of fighting spirit and vigour, and then felt it slowly ebb away as i suffocated at home.

i think things've gone a lot more wrong than i thought in the last year. that what i thought was progress was actually self-destructing. and i think that work was a really, really bad move for me. it gave me structure, but not enough structure and then i got sucked in there for longer than i anticipated and grew accustomed to the kind of people who worked there and the mindlessness of the work. let myself suffocate both at home and there.

and i'm doing stupid things now. like facebook poking alex when it'll never go anywhere because, quite frankly, i don't want it to go anywhere. but i can't bring myself to acknowledge that because... i dunno why. i think insecurities have made me a tease. i need affirmation that i'm not considered by men to be another species -- that i'm not auto-reject material. that i have some good points somewhere. somehow.

and how pathetic is it that i need that validation? even more pathetic that i can never get it because i'm mostly too insecure to act on anything that comes my way.

[27 Aug 2008|11:37pm]
oh. and my gp, having kindly told me to book a double session with her because there wasn't enough time that appointment to discuss everything, has fucking LEFT THE SURGERY.

[19 Aug 2008|09:57pm]
so i'm finally getting my health in check, i think. went to the doctor, getting a few blood tests for the lethargy and weak immune system. she mentioned glandular fever. i hope not, cos that can be wayyy serious, innit? a friend got ME from glandular fever.

also brought up eating disorders. said i had issues with eating etc and ended up bursting into tears and explaining about how i binge and then starve myself cyclically and she was like, 'you seem quite low, i'd like you to book a double session after your blood tests,' and gave me a questionnaire to fill in and stuff. i don't WANT anti-depressants though. i want the counselling to sort it all out. gah.

i've also put on an insane amount of weight and i'm slowly wanting to kill myself right now because of it. is shit.

[12 Jul 2008|05:31pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i don't want you and i don't need you. and i don't care that you miss me. it's your own fault.


accidentally broke my phone whilst tidying my room the other day; proof that housework isn't good for the soul!


[04 Jul 2008|05:38pm]
hello, my name's pippa, and i am a house addict.

in the last two weeks i've watched all of the third and fourth seasons, half of the first, and bits of the second. today i finished off the fourth season and my god, did i bawl like a baby.

hi. [03 Jul 2008|08:37pm]
[ mood | wrathful ]

i object to my journal being hacked. ty 'angela'! /sarcasm

have tonsil diseases. will travel. doctor diagnosed me tuesday, so it's easing up a bit now thanks to los penicillinos. mmm, tasty! actually, they taste absolutely VILE

my car's being kept overnight to have new shock absorbers fitted... a little part of me can't help but wonder if i destroyed the old ones with my style of driving?!

it's so weird; i looked through the earliest entries in this journal earlier, and it's really hard to reconcile the fact i'm nineteen, about to go to uni, driving, working etc with who i was when i started this. i still remember the day of my first entry and some of the stuff i wrote about -- i remember the bus journey and the jokes i made and the banter. got to love the banter. i was thirteen, nearly fourteen, in year nine, and now i'm... old. most of my friends have completed their first year of uni, some are on a gap year, and we're all so DIFFERENT. well, we're not all that different, but everything that seemed a million miles away at the time is the here and now. and in a way, it's a real motivator to stick to the uni path. because the person i was then was dead set on uni, dead set on being a lawyer -- and it kind of helps fight the occasional demoralising thought of 'ugh, maybe i should just be a supermarket minion forever'.


*does booty shake to - i got it from my mama*


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