!!!

__untilsundown @ 2005-12-11T11:21:00

2005-12-11T16:22:11Z

last night was intense. like, the o.c. or some shit. i don't even know man. what did everyone else do?

__untilsundown @ 2005-11-06T17:54:00

2005-11-06T23:04:36Z

bumpin saves the day.

my favorite drunk.

look at barretts face.

kelseys pipe game face.

thats my girl.

jon.

it took us way too long to make this 3D.

and then of course, the morning after.

basically i cant get over how beautiful i am.

__untilsundown @ 2005-04-23T18:35:00

2005-04-23T22:36:00Z

maybe someday i won't have to deal with all this shit anymore.

__untilsundown @ 2005-04-19T10:56:00

2005-04-19T14:57:29Z

Friday, April 22
Doors @ 1pm
24 Stanford Place
$2

RODENT IMPALMENT
REMEMBER VAN GOGH
BLACK JUJU
EARTHDAY CLEAN UP CREW
KNIFE THE GLITTER

fucking come to that shit yo.

__untilsundown @ 2005-03-31T20:50:00

2005-04-01T01:59:03Z

gosh, i wish people would get in a huge fight on my comments thing. that would be so sweet. i could laugh at the lj drama and it would be on my journal. fuck. maybe i'll fight myself or something. lj drama is basically what makes the world go round.

there's an error with myspace which is why i'm going to bother updating and shit. myspace makes me so mad because it's so slow and there's always errors. and what's with this username/url shit? psh. i don't need that.

everyones getting all huffy over the scene lately, and it's really annoying. because that's not what the scene is there for. if you want to just start drama and be really annoying, just go on livejournal. the scene is about getting into new bands and having a good time and meeting people and shit, in my opinion. it should be fun, not something where you need to try to impress people and act like you know the most about bands and you have the most band shirts and stuff. go to highschool if you want to try to impress people and deal with lots of assholes. don't talk shit about people who you think don't know anything about the scene, because chances are, you don't know shit about the scene either. so stop being annoying. and i'm not singling one person out, this subject has just annoyed me a lot recently.

so woodshop is my new favorite class because our teacher, mr. krill (who is a psycho), walked up to matt tierney today and just punched him as hard as he could. then he did the same thing to trevor graham. my life is so ridiculous at times. woodshop is fun because on days like yesterday when it's really warm, i just pick up my things and walk out of class, and mr. krill doesn't care. and i go visit my favorite people like savannah who is doing things in the amphitheater.

i have crew land practices two days in a row now, wednesdays and then thursdays. it's alright but after the second day of it, i'm so tired and i don't know if i'll be able to get out of bed tomorrow without my legs and abs killing me. those coaches have no mercy whatsoever, i tell ya.

so i'm getting really excited for ctts, it's going to be such a beast show. and i'm going to sara's before that to "warm up" as she puts it. that'll be fun, i've never been to her house before.

this entry is too long. i'm sorry. someone please start a fight on my comments just so i can laugh. please.

__untilsundown @ 2005-01-13T20:38:00

2005-01-14T01:49:55Z

in my opinion, today was beast warm. everyone was all "kasdflkjasdf they said it would be warm today!" but the way i see it, it was warmer today than it should be in the middle of january. so i wore my sick vest and a tshirt and that's it, and it was fine. school was such a breeze. i didn't pay any attention and i had peer leadership and for the first time in eight years, i went out for lunch and got chinese food and pizza (yeah that's right, i'm a big boy now and i can eat lots of food like a pig). oh, and multiple cans/bottles of soda. it was nice. i love peer leadership. my group isn't the best, but our peer leaders are so nice and they always talk to me about things that are bugging me, and they told me if i ever need a ride, just to call them. oh, and they're taking our group bowling sometime this weekend.

i like picture posts.

who likes my baby cousin!?!?!?!

i took these at my grandparents. they live in nowhereville. i love it there because the sky is always gray and there's no planes or pollution or noise. and all the streets are over a mile long, and the cars never drive slower than 50 mph, even in residential areas. and cows are normal to have in your backyard and every other house is a farm.

there's one school, about a mile and a half away from my grandparents, and it's an elementary school, middle school, and high school. three buildings right next to one another. it's awesome and it's where my mom went to school and i like going there. and in the summer, i love running on the fields there. it might sound weird but they are the nicest fields (soccer, baseball, football, etc.) you'll ever see. and last summer, i had on my ipod and i just ran through them and it might be the first time in my life i felt infinite. and just look at all the schoolbusses!

on the drive home.

p.s. i've been meaning to post this for a while. who likes the pillow i made for home economics last year???

this weekend consists of...

friday-battle of the bands. i think i'm having people over at my house after school as well.

saturday-going to the mall? maybe. and i think i'll get all my homework and studying over with. and i'll hang out with people.

sunday-possibly going bowling, maybe a sleepover?

monday-possibly going bowling, lots of anal sex.

so it should be pretty busy. but that's a good thing. busy is good.

leave lots of comments so i feel really popular please.

__untilsundown @ 2004-12-11T08:40:00

2004-12-11T13:40:39Z

beth_04, chasing_holden, ilooveyuna, jmp1111, serialfriend, sugoimonkey, swimstud4u4sex

PLEASE UNADD ME!

__untilsundown @ 2004-11-09T20:14:00

2004-11-10T01:20:51Z

okay. so first of all, if you've added me and i haven't added you, comment on this and let me know if you'll actually read my entries and comment and stuff. because if you just want to be added and you don't read or comment and you aren't active, there's no point in me adding you. and i'm not trying to be an asshole, even though i kind of am, i'm just getting frustrated with the state of my friends situation.

second, if i have added you, and you honestly don't read any of my entries and you don't comment, comment on this and i'll delete you and you can delete me. i've decided that i'm going to only have friends who actually read my entries because otherwise there isn't much point.

god, i'm lame.

i learned today that i'm failing woodshop. it's funny and ridiculous and at the same time i'm mad as hell because the teacher doesn't give us work, and therefore we can't do any work, and that's his basis for failing us. he's such an awful teacher. and he's always drunk. so there mr. krill.

i got a slice of pizza for lunch and it was the worst slice of pizza i ever had. what a waste of money.

it's getting so cold out i think i'm going to have to start eating in the cafeteria and i'm kind of mad about that because i hate the cafeteria. it's so boring and there's so little space i can't play hacksack or do anything except just eat, and i know that's what cafeterias are for but still. lamelamelame.

after school savannah came over for a bit and we played with my dog. i was going to take pictures but she didn't want to stay outside since it was so cold, so i promise i'll get around to it soon.

and i'm pissed off because my stupid friends told me that i was supposed to babysit with them, and i was counting on the money from that for blood brothers tickets, and it turns out that i wasn't supposed to be babysitting, and i'm not getting paid for it, and so basically i'm not going to blood brothers. and that makes me so fucking angry you have no idea. oh well. hopefully some good shows will come up and i'll be able to afford them.

every single day that goes by i get more and more pissed off that my ipod got ripped off. it's causing so much of a hassle and i hate it.

__untilsundown @ 2004-10-14T19:16:00

2004-10-15T00:19:51Z

if anyone has any of these cds, please burn them for me. it would be much appreciated.

Cap'n Jazz-Analphabetapolothology
The Decemberists-Her Majesty The Decemberists
The Decemberists-Castaways And Cutouts
The Decemberists-5 Songs
Denali-Denali
Denali-Instinct
Dntel-This Is The Dream Of Evan And Chan
The Fever-Red Bedroom
Figurine-Transportation + Communication = Love
Figurine-Heartfelt
Figurine-Reconfigurine
Frou Frou-Details
Mates Of State-My Solo Project
Mates Of State-Our Constant Concern
Neutral Milk Hotel-On Avery Island
The New Pornographers-Electric Version
The New Pornographers-Mass Romantic
Sleater Kinney-Sleater Kinney
Sleater Kinney-All Hands On The Bad One
Sleater Kinney-Hot Rock
Sleater Kinney-Dig Me Out
Sleater Kinney-Call The Doctor
Wrens-Meadowland
Yo La Tengo-Summer Sun
Yo La Tengo-Today Is The Day
Yo La Tengo-I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
Yo La Tengo-And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out
Yo La Tengo-Fakebook
Yo La Tengo-President Yo La Tengo/New Wave Hot Dogs
Yo La Tengo-Painful
Yo La Tengo-Electr-O-Pura
Yo La Tengo-May I Sing With Me
Yo La Tengo-Genuis + Love = Yo La Tengo
Yo La Tengo-Ride The Tiger

__untilsundown @ 2004-10-14T06:31:00

2004-10-14T11:32:12Z

i just deleted all my friends. so if you enjoy reading my entries, you comment a lot, and YOU ADD ME FIRST, then i'll add you back.

have a nice day.

__untilsundown @ 2004-10-05T20:33:00

2004-10-06T00:32:46Z

Post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want.
Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember about you.

__untilsundown @ 2004-09-11T10:45:00

2004-09-11T14:46:37Z

hope you guys like it.

!!!

The smell of fresh-cut grass is carried into my house by the breeze. I like that smell, it reminds me of when I would watch my dad cut the grass. He’s gotten older. Now, we have a yard service come and cut the grass for us.
There’s an oak tree in my backyard, one of the most beautiful oak trees in the world in my opinion. Its leaves are starting to turn, a clear sign of fall. Soon, those leaves will be gone. I can see winter in the distance. It’s a gaping mouth, coming closer and closer. Eventually, before you know it, we’ll all be swallowed whole.
Fall means school. Not the most pleasant thing to think about, but I’ve given up trying to fight it. As long as I make it past the first day, I’m fine. The first day is always the worst, with the kids telling their stories of vacation, showing off new clothes. I hate the first day. It’s not so much the fact that I don’t have anyone to discuss these things with, but more the fact that the first day is the day I hear that question, that question that hurts me every time it’s asked.
“Where’s Beth?”
You’d think that by now, everyone would know. I mean, there were rumors and stories floating around the hallways faster than the kids could travel themselves. Within a week, it was everywhere. It was the one part of school I couldn’t easily escape. This year, there are only a few people asking that question.
“Where’s Beth, where’s Beth?” they all ask. I land on the words like slipping on ice. Of course, nobody notices.
“She’s gone,” I say. “She’s dead.”
“Oh, oh, I’m so sorry,” they all say. They say it with such a tone that I can tell they don’t really mean it. It’s just the polite thing to do. You always say sorry when something bad happens to somebody.

!!!

The first week was the most awful week of my life. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t. Beth haunted me in my dreams, and I’d stay up in desperation, struggling against sleep, hoping I wouldn’t see her. I missed her more than anyone knew. I’d sit up and watch TV and eat mint chocolate chip ice cream, my favorite. My mom bought the biggest containers until I couldn’t eat anymore and she started throwing it away because there wasn’t room in the freezer. She felt sorry for me, just like everyone else. Everybody had their own way of showing sympathy. My mom would buy me ice cream. My dad would pat me on the back and do father-son things with me. My little brother helped my mom bake me a cake, and on his own brought me a bucket of dirt.
“It’s special dirt,” he said to me.
After a while things got better. I started to sleep again. I learned how to deal without Beth. Everyone stopped paying as much attention to me, and things went back to normal. Despite all this, everything reminded me of her, and as much as I tried to shake her off of me, I couldn’t. She clung on to every word I said and everything I did. Every night, I’d cry until my eyes were bloodshot and I was so tired I fell asleep.
I loved her. I promised myself that I loved her and that I would always love her.
According to my high school, I was attractive. This didn’t earn me too many friends, but every once in a while a girl would come up and tell me I was cute. I did go on dates, but that didn’t happen very often. And it seemed like every time I would go on a date, I would just start thinking about Beth and end up ruining the evening. The only time a girl didn’t get mad at me for thinking about Beth was when I went on a date with this girl Jessica. She was pretty. I actually did kind of like her, but Beth stood in the way of that. And we sat on the boardwalk, and let our feet dangle off. I tried to hold back the tears. They glistened, and Jessica told me she could see them. They fell and made ripples in the water. I looked up at the moon, and Jessica smiled.
“She’s up there, you know,” she said. She kissed me on the cheek, and I felt as though she wanted to kiss me but she knew it wouldn’t be a good idea, and I felt bad about that.
“I can almost see her waving,” she said. She kissed me on the cheek again, and got up and left.

!!!

The first day of school, I was miserable. I got home, and my mom could tell I was upset. She kept asking what was wrong, but I wouldn’t budge. She knew it was Beth, but she wanted to hear the words out of my mouth. Finally, she gave up.
“It’s Beth, isn’t it?”
Hearing her name again, I thought about her more than I had in a year.

!!!

“Beth is a fat girl’s name.” That’s what I said to her on the first day we had met, down by the boardwalk. I had always though of fate as something people told you when they had just fallen in love, something to reassure themselves it was real.
She looked at me when I said that, and she gave me the meanest, coldest frown, so deep and sincere I knew she was laughing on the inside. And she said “Well, Joseph is a fat boys name,” but that didn’t make much sense to either of us, and we laughed.
She said it was love at first sight, and I agreed. We started going out, and things were perfect. As we walked home that first day, hand in hand, I thought about how amazing Beth was, and how she would change my life. Of course, I never really thought she’d change it negatively.

!!!

School doesn’t get easier. It gets harder, and every day that passes is another day I’m left without her, my Beth. I’m constantly reminded of her, and in English, we read Romeo and Juliet, and I think of how awfully sad they must have been, and then I’m reminded that I was once that sad too, and could possibly still be that sad. Our teacher made us write an essay on sadness, and what it does to people, and I wrote about Beth. I didn’t give details. When I read my essay to the class, Jessica, the girl I had dated before, stood up.
“You are pathetic,” she yelled, audible for most of the hallway. She ran out of the room in tears, and slammed the door so hard I thought the window panes would fall out. Everyone looked at me. I sat down in my desk and stared hard out the window, at the leaves that once were green. I watched as they fell and were smothered under the footsteps of other students.

My mom still tries to keep me happy. The reason I love her so much is because she knows she won’t make me happy, but she still tries. I come home from school every day, and she’s there, either with some mint chocolate chip ice cream or some movie I had wanted to see, or tickets to something. She really cared about me. She sat with me, every day after school, while I stared blankly into the other room, and she held me and told me I’d be fine. She told me that someday, I’d meet another girl like Beth, and we’d fall in love all over.
“Love isn’t a one time thing,” she said, and hugged me tightly.

!!!

We usually went to my house. Beth kept saying her house was ugly, and I didn’t really care about seeing it all the time, so usually we just watched a movie at my house. The school days passed slower than ever; I’d sit in class and think about Beth until the teacher finally called on me and I had no idea what she was talking about. Finally, school would get out and I’d rush over to the big statue in the front of our school. It was an important statue, and only the most rebellious kids would vandalize it. I thought it was weird how none of the teachers ever told us who it was, and I often wondered what that man had done to earn a statue that big right in front of the only high school in our town. The more I thought about it, the more I figured it wasn’t even some important person, probably just a good principal or something along those lines.

She always held my hand when we walked through school together, even though she hated it. She hated the way she could feel people staring at us. I didn’t mind at all, and I felt so great walking through the halls holding her hand. It was almost as if I was screaming “YES, THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND AND I LOVE HER!!!” and I didn’t mind it one bit. She had drawn the line at kissing, though. Holding hands was one thing, but she hated to kiss goodbye. Once, she kissed me, and a boy started yelling “Isn’t that sweet!” and everyone around us laughed. She wanted to say something to that boy, I could see it in her eyes, and the way she was shaking I thought she’d walk up and slap him. She almost cried, and I gave her a hug and she ran off to her class. And after that, we didn’t kiss at school anymore.

The first time we did go to her house, her mom wasn’t home. She opened the door and started yelling.
“Mom! Mom! I’m home from school! I brought a friend with me, Joseph. I think I’ve told you about him!”
Then she looked at me and shrugged, and burst out laughing, which gave it away that the whole thing was an act. She had made sure her mom wouldn’t be home, and I wondered what she had planned for us.
She dragged me upstairs, and we ran into her room.
“You’re room is huge!” I said. It was a beautiful room. She had painted clouds on her ceiling and her walls had stars and moons on them. The bed was large, and was up against the two walls in the corner, and on the other side of the room was a dresser which had been painted the same pattern as the walls, and then a huge mirror was next to the bed.
She walked over and sat on the bed. I started to walk over, but as soon as I took a step, she smiled, and pulled her shirt off. I couldn’t believe it.
“Uh, Beth, what’s going on?” I said timidly, as she started to unbutton her jeans.
“Just take off your clothes and you’ll see.”
I took off all my clothes, and I stood naked in front of her awkwardly. I didn’t know what to do, and I tried not to move. She was beautiful. Her body was shaped so perfectly, and I had never seen a naked girl before, so I could hardly believe that this was really happening.
Finally, she got up. She walked over, and dragged me through the hall and into the bathroom.
“What’s going on?” I said again.
“I’ve always wanted to take a shower with a boy,” she said. She turned on the water, and we got in, and I kissed her and we let the water fall onto us. She didn’t touch me, but I was glad, and I didn’t touch her either. She didn’t look at me either, which I was really happy about because I didn’t want her to start staring at me. Because of this, I tried not to look at her for too long either.
After the shower, we dried off, and we went and lay in her bed. She fell asleep, and I laid there holding her, wondering how I had gotten so lucky with her.

!!!

I started skipping school. It became overwhelming; I’d think about Beth all the time and there were a few times I asked to go to the bathroom, and I ran into the bathroom and vomited into one of the stalls. I missed her, and there was nothing no one could do about it.
Every Monday, my mom would call in and tell the principal that I was sick. I’d stay home and watch movies all day. I’d sit in my room for hours, staring at the picture of Beth that was on my dresser. It had been a whole year, and I still could not shake that feeling I got when I looked at that picture. She was sitting on a chair in her house, and her face is all twisted. It was the day I had gotten my camera, my birthday. I had gone to her house, and she was sitting on that chair and I caught her off guard. Just as she had turned around, I took the picture. I developed it right away, and every night, I’d stare at the picture, thinking about her. The girl that could make me happier than anyone else could. I looked at her lips, frozen in their position forever, and thought about how I had saved this one memory from being destroyed with her.

Christmas was coming up. I didn’t know what to get for my mom or my dad, and I started to spend my days being “sick” thinking about what to get them. I knew it had to be something big. I understood how much they cared for me, and how much they were trying to help. I wanted to get the something that would make them laugh when they opened it, say “Wow, Joseph, this is great.” I’d think about it until I got tired and would drift off to sleep on the couch in my living room.

!!!

I loved my family, but for Christmas day, I asked my parents if I could spend the day with Beth. They understood completely, which I was very grateful for. They knew what it was like to be in love for the first time.

I had taken a lot of time deciding on what to get Beth. I thought for almost two months, and then once I had decided on what to get her, I did some research to find out more about it. I found a store nearby that would have it, and I bought it for her. It took some effort to carry over her house, but I managed to get there alright, and when she opened the door, she smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
“Merry Christmas,” I said. She took it and walked into the house, struggling ever so slightly with it. We went upstairs and she yelled to her mom “Mom, mom, look! Joseph bought me a record player!” Beth had such a passion for music, especially music from when our parents were kids. She had been looking for a record player, and I finally found a place that had old ones, ones that our parents were using when they were kids. Then I bought her a few records, some of the ones she had been mentioning.
“Thank you so much Joseph!” she said, and kissed me. We went into her room, and on her bed was a pile of papers. I was too far away to look at them, but I knew they had something to do with my gift. Beth walked over slowly and softly, and held them up to me, smiling. I took them and read the top.

Beth and Joseph
A novel

By Beth Sinclaire

I didn’t have to read any further to know what it was. It was a story. A story about me, about Beth. About us. I looked at Beth.
“Now you’ll never be able to forget about me,” she said, and I ran over and hugged her and kissed her on the forehead.
“I wouldn’t have forgotten you anyway, beautiful,” I said, and we laid there on the bed, just glad to be with each other.

We took a walk around her block. We talked about all sorts of things, things that we loved, things that we hated, things that we hated but wished we had the guts to love. Beth talked about clouds.
“Someday, I’m going to learn how to fly, and I’m going to fly up into the sky, and dance on a cloud for a day.” I laughed, but I made it short so she didn’t think I was laughing at her.
“Will you dance on a cloud with me?” she said.
We walked around her block for almost an hour, and when we had gotten to a streetlight at the corner, she looked at me. It was starting to get dark out, and the streetlight looked fresh. It had just been turned on. She looked sad. I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong, but she kissed me, hard, harder than ever. I could feel her soft warm lips pressed up against mine, and she breathed through her nose onto my cheek. We stood there kissing for what seemed forever, and I just held her, glad to be alive, glad to be with Beth. She had made everything perfect. She was perfect. If I could, I wouldn’t ever let go of her.
Finally, we stopped. She told me she would walk me back to my house, something she had never done. It was a far walk.
She talked about everything she wanted to do, places she wanted to go to, and people she wanted to meet. We held hands, and she talked. It got darker and darker, and finally we could see the silhouettes of strangers who passed by us, and the stars were up, out there in the sky, waiting for someone to wish upon them. Everything in that moment was beautiful.
We got to my house. We stood outside in the front, in the cold, crisp air, shivering. I gave her my coat. We didn’t say anything to each other for a few minutes, and the silence seemed to envelope us, leaving nothing. Finally, I saw it. A single tear, forming at the corner of her eye. Then, she said something.
“Joseph,” she said. “Watch out, because someday you’ll be turned around, and life will be gone before you even know it.” She kissed me and walked into the darkness, back towards her house.

That night, I sat in my room, reading the story. I read over every word, every metaphor she had put in it.

There were some things Beth hadn’t told me. I wish she had told me about how her father abused her. How he forced her to do nasty things she didn’t want to do. She didn’t tell me about that, and I wish she would have. That night, while I was reading the story Beth had written for me, she was grabbing the handgun out of her father’s sock drawer. She was laying down on her warm green sheets, the ones I had laid on before. She was placing the handgun in her mouth. She was pressing her finger against the trigger, listening for noises, making sure her parents hadn’t gotten home from dinner yet.

And then it was over.

Her mom fainted when she got home, and her dad stood there over her body, crying, knowing exactly what had happened. They called the police, and Beth’s father watched as the police carried away the body of the girl that had once been his daughter.

My mom got a phone call at midnight. Her crying woke me up, and I went downstairs and asked her what was wrong, and I started crying too. I stayed up the entire night, reading the story Beth had written for me, and when I got to the ending I read it out loud:

“They loved each other very much, and nothing could change that. As Beth walked home that night, she thought about how beautiful he was, and how he had changed her for the better. She promised herself that they would be together for the rest of their lives. And as she walked into her house that night, she knew that that was a promise to keep.”

I feel asleep, sick and weary and wondering what had happened to everything that once was beautiful.

!!!

I woke up this morning to the silence of falling snow. These graces of beauty have left me so cold. I once had a heart but hearts are like snowflakes, and snowflakes, one warm touch and they melt away.

There’s a new girl in my class, and she likes me a lot. She just moved here from Arizona, and she asked me if I wanted to go out on a date. I said that would be alright. So tonight, I’m going to go get her and we’re going to get pizza or something. Hopefully I won’t hurt this girl by thinking of Beth.

I get her, and we walk to the pizza place. Her name is Trisha, and I think to myself, “Trisha, Trisha isn’t a fat girl’s name.” I’m glad that she doesn’t know about Beth yet, because maybe that’ll help the evening along.
We get pizza. It’s okay. We talk about things, and after pizza we walk down to the boardwalk, and dangle our legs over the edge. She’s shivering, and I give her my coat.
“Tonight was nice,” she says. I stare up at the moon, thinking about Beth, wondering if she really is waving at me, hoping my date goes alright.
“Yeah, it was,” I say, not really listening to what Trisha is saying.
“Wait. Something isn’t right,” she says, and I freeze, hoping she hasn’t heard about Beth.
“No, what’s wrong?”
“I can’t put my finger on it but...wait. I know. You’re in love. I can tell by the way you’re looking up at the moon. Don’t worry though, I guess I understand.”
She sounds upset. I try not to move, or say anything, but finally, I say “You’re not mad?”
“No,” she says. “I’m not mad. I really like you though.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, can you at least tell me about this girl? What’s she like?”
I close my eyes, and feel the breeze stinging my face. I think about Beth, waving at me from up there in the sky, and I say “Well, she’s beautiful.”

__untilsundown @ 2004-08-02T13:13:00

2004-08-02T17:13:18Z

IM A TRICKSTA!

__untilsundown @ 2004-06-30T19:53:00

2004-06-30T23:54:02Z

ugh okay. memory wasn't good enough for my craving.

COMMENT AND POST ANYTHING...AN OPINION, A MEMORY, A STORY, A PICTURE, ANYTHING, BUT IT HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME!!!

make it anonymous if ya like.

__untilsundown @ 2004-06-30T11:29:00

2004-06-30T15:29:31Z

i like these, so we'll do it again:

comment with a memory of something you and i did together that you enjoyed.

__untilsundown @ 2004-06-05T11:27:00

2004-06-05T15:28:52Z

please don't read this if you don't want...it's graphic.

!!!

When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. Of course, I never tried, but I thought about it a lot. I would pretend that the only reason I didn’t actually swim through the ocean was because I was afraid someone would see me, and since my amazing ability to swim was a secret, it would be revealed. And that could never, never happen.

I’m boy crazy. I always have been, and I always will be. There’s just...something about them. Boys, I mean. Something that I can never get enough of. I don’t know if I’m getting through to you, but I’m sure there’s someone out there somewhere who understands what I’m talking about. It can’t be that difficult. I just...I love boys. I am boy crazy. But it’s really tough to get the boys to be crazy about me. I usually just end up getting hurt. The last boyfriend I had went on for about a week before he dumped me. His name was Charlie and we don’t speak anymore.

People tell me that I’m never going to get a good boyfriend, but I can’t believe that. I’m having trouble believing lots of things right now. Especially things that should be crystal clear. I don’t know...call me weird if you like but I just haven’t been the same since Charlie. It’s only been about a month, and a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about him. I hate him, but on the inside I still have some sort of feelings for him. I did really like him.

!!!

Wake up. Work. That’s my day. It’s too routine. I love photography, but it pays horribly and it can be really boring at times. Yes. I’m a photographer. I’m freelance and I just take pictures of things that interest me and sell them off of my website to newspapers and other websites and such. I don’t make very much money, which is too bad since it means I don’t get out much with friends. Not that I have that many friends.

I have lived in the same house since I was born. Many would call it a beach house, but I just call it home. It’s right by the ocean, on the top of a big cliff that leads right down to the ocean. Many a night I’ll just sit on the edge of the cliff and look up at the stars and look down to the ocean. I’ve been doing it since I was four or something and it’s my absolute favorite thing to do now. The best pictures I’ve ever taken and the ones that have sold the best are ones I’ve taken while sitting there on that cliff. And as for the house, it’s lovely. My parents moved out once I got back from college, and basically gave it to me. I live alone; I never had any brothers or sisters. But I like living alone. It means things go according to my rules, and it really works out for me most of the time. There are times when I’m lonely and sad, but that usually passes quickly enough. Except for the boys. They always make me sad and that sadness stays for as long as it likes.

!!!

I met the cutest boy today! I was asleep and he came to the door and I jumped up to get it. He was tall and had dark hair and said his name was Alex. He looked really sweet, and he asked if I could take some pictures for him and I said I would. He wants some really nice pictures of the ocean, which should be easy enough for me. He smiled at me and I think he thought I was cute. He was so nice and I swore I could have died when he smiled at me. I gave him my number and told him to call me if he needed anything else. I shut the door after he left and screamed and jumped around laughing.

!!!

I’ve spent the last few days taking tons of pictures for Alex. I’ve gone through almost four rolls of film, and I’ve picked out all the best pictures. Of course most of the best are from my little spot on the cliff. I knew that those would be the best pictures going into it. I really hope he likes them! I feel so attached to this boy already, though I don’t know scarcely anything about him. I hope I get to know him better.

I realized today why no guy will ever like me. I’m hideous. I was looking into the mirror today putting on eyeliner and I just gasped. I wish I was prettier, like those girls in the magazines and such. I got so upset I threw the eyeliner at the mirror and it shattered into a million pieces. I half wished a small piece of the mirror would fly up and jab me in the eye, just so I’d never have to look at myself again. I hate when things like this happen. I tend to freak out over little things very randomly. People have always assumed there was something wrong with me, but I’d like to think there isn’t.

!!!

When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself.

Alex came back today to pick up the pictures. He took a quick look at them while he was here, and he said he was pretty impressed. God, how my heart jumped when he said that! He kept smiling at me, and then finally when he left, he said “Say, would it be okay if I called you sometime and we hung out for a bit?” I said that would be fine, and he smiled and said “Then you’ll be getting a phone call from me soon.” Oh God, I could have just died! I stayed up almost the whole night just thinking about him. He was really hot. Would he really call me?

When I did fall asleep, I had a dream that Alex and I were sitting down at the beach, and he was holding me and stroking my hair, and I kissed him and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my whole life. Then it started raining, and we danced around on the beach as the raindrops touched our noses.

Life is sweet sometimes.

!!!

Alex called the very next day and asked if he could come over. Of course, I said yes and he was over in about thirty minutes. We sat there in my room, and talked on my bed about all sorts of things. Same-sex marriages, and the beach, and TV and magazines and such. It was really nice, and we had a drink, and then we took a drive and went out to dinner. The entire time I had to keep myself from saying something really stupid because I was so smitten with him. And when it was finally time for him to drop me off at home, I could hardly stand myself, and I leaned over in the car and give him a quick kiss on the lips. His lips were warm; I could almost taste the Vodka off his lips from after dinner. But I made it brief since it was only our first date and then said goodbye and got out of the car and walked over and went in my house. I got inside and started jumping up and down and laughing. I did it. I went on a date with Alex. I kissed him. That was all me and nobody else. For the first time I felt like I was one of those girls on the front of a magazine.

!!!

I have decided that I am in love with Alex. I don’t know...there’s something about him and I feel more for him than I felt for Charlie, or any other boy. He’s so nice...almost eerily nice. He compliments me and kisses my cheek and tells me I’m gorgeous. The one thing he hasn’t said yet is that he loves me, though. I wish he’d just tell me he loved me so I could know for sure.

!!!

Several days have gone by and I haven’t heard anything from him. He told me he’d call for another date, but it’s been almost a week. I miss the sound of his voice. And not seeing him, that’s almost unbearable. But I don’t know his number so I have no way of calling him. I guess I’ll just have to wait it out.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking very few pictures. I now spend my afternoons drinking lemonade on my back porch and thinking about things. Alex, my cliff, my career as a photographer. There are lots of things going on in my life right now that I need to just think about.

I went to the movies yesterday. I sat in the movie theater and in the row in front of me a boy and a girl started kissing. I watched as the boy then moved his hand up the girl’s shirt, slowly moving his hand back and forth, back and forth. The girl reached for his hand, tried pulling it away, but with his other hand, the boy held her hand. He made it seem like it was okay. I heard the unzipping of jeans and soon the girl had tears coming down from her eyes, trying hard not to start sobbing loudly so that the whole audience saw. It was embarrassing, I’m sure. The boy’s fingers moving in, out, in, out, over and over, the mouths still pressed together. The boy bent his head down for a few moments, and the girl’s eyes produced more and more tears. After a few seconds, the boy lifted his head back up, zipped up the girls pants, and she walked out. Nothing had happened. Nothing at all.

I guess there are some advantages to never having a boyfriend. And thank God Alex isn’t like that. I mean, he likes me so much! He’d never do that.

!!!

After another week of painful waiting, he called. I love him so much. He said “Hi Jen” in his sweet voice. Asked me if I wanted to do something that night. I told him I’d love to. He said he’d come and pick me up at 8:00 and I said that was great. He told me he had a surprise for me.

The day went by very, very long. I sat and drank my lemonade and thought about my gorgeous boyfriend. He was my boyfriend, wasn’t he? This would be our second date. We obviously liked each other very much. I just assumed he was my boyfriend, and I, his girlfriend. And that was that.

I wore my old pink dress that night. The one with the bows around the bottom. I loved that dress with all my heart and I was overjoyed to look at myself in the mirror with it on. Alex came, and I got in his car, careful not to tear my dress. He said I looked amazing, and I smiled and said that he did, too. We drove for a long time, and every time I asked him where we were going, he’d say “now if I told you, would it be a very good surprise?” That would shut me up for about twenty minutes. Finally, we got to this big open field. The grass smelled of summer, and there were flowers growing, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Where are we?” I asked him, and he just smiled back and said “Pretend this is heaven, because that’s what it feels like for me.” We sat in the back of his truck, and looked up at the stars that seemed to flicker on and off, and move around like little butterflies. Someone up there must be watching us and smiling, I thought. Alex got up, and said “Miss Jen, could I have the privilege of a dance?” I got out of the truck, and let him hold me, and we danced. We danced all through the field, pretending we were at some elegant ball with fancy music and everything. He held me like I was a princess, and there was nothing I could do to wipe the biggest smile off my face. He was mine, and he loved me. Even if he wouldn’t say it, he loved me. I knew it.

After hours of dancing, and talking and laughing, he said it was time I should be getting home. He drove me home, and we were silent the whole way home. When we got home, I got out of the car, but before he could drive away, I ran to the driver side and opened the door. “Now I have a surprise” I told him. He followed me, and I took him to my little spot on the cliff. The stars were so bright. We sat there, and talked. I held his hand, and he didn’t pull away. We sat there, our legs dangling over the edge, for hours. He told me that if he could, he would go up into space, and bring me back the moon. I was surprised to find myself weeping. He asked what was wrong, and I said that this shouldn’t be happening. He was too beautiful. I was too....too me. I was so happy and I was crying. I can be pretty dumb sometime.

Finally we got bored, and I told him to wait, and I ran inside and got my camera. I took a couple pictures of him, then a couple pictures of him and me. And then, I kissed him. At first it was supposed to be one of those ten seconds things, for I am not very good at kissing. But slowly it became something more. I put my arm around him, and he put his hand in my hair and we kissed like that for almost half an hour without moving or anything, just grateful that we had each other right there and then.

I love him.

!!!

I got all the pictures I took of him developed, and I put them all up on my wall. On some of them I wrote things, others I just left blank. I now have almost thirty pictures of Alex up on my wall, and I like it a lot. This way I can think about him with a good visual. And when I miss him a lot, I just kiss the pictures.

!!!

Alex called me and asked if he could come over. I said sure. It was late...almost midnight. I hadn’t seen Alex for almost three days though, so I said it was fine. He came over, and we just talked for a bit. I poured him some wine, and poured myself some. For some reason, I was in a drinking mood. I had almost three glasses of wine when Alex finished his first. Soon I was up to six glasses, and ready to just pass out right there. That was when Alex kissed me. I wasn’t like last night, it was forceful, but I liked it. It reminded me of Charlie, and even though that wasn’t a great thing, it was nice. After a few minutes he stopped, and said “can we take this into your room?” Me, being in the state I was, said yes. I was actually kind of excited. We went into my room, and began kissing on my bed. Really kissing. I had never kissed a boy like this, and it was very nice. After a while, he stuck his hand up my shirt. His hands were cold, even over my bra. I tried to get his hand out of my shirt, but he was stronger. He held my hand down, and tore off my bra. I started to cry. He ripped off my shirt, and I could feel the wind from my open window. He touched my chest, harder and faster, and then unzipped my pants. Why was he doing this? I cried harder and harder, barely even knowing what was going on. I felt his cold hand inside me, moving in, out, in out, faster and faster until I felt a twinge of pleasure. But it was unwanted. I hadn’t expected this, and this wasn’t the way I had wanted it to first happen. I started hitting him, screaming, but he just slapped me and held my hands down again. He put his head down, and I could feel his warm mouth pressing against me. Over, and over, it felt as though the devil himself was touching me. Finally he stood up, unzipped his pants fast, and took off his underwear. And he jumped on me, and stuck himself inside. I don’t know how long it lasted, but it hurt like hell. I was screaming and trying to break free, and all the while this was this small pleasure down there, but nothing compared to what he was probably feeling, that pig. I was almost dying, just waiting for it to end. I wanted to scream out “I LOVE YOU ALEX, I LOVE YOU!” but I had had too many drinks for that. I cried harder, screamed, but he kept pushing into me farther. Finally, he stopped. I felt the liquid drain out of him, and he got up. Said he was sorry. He wanted me to forget it. Then he was gone.

I sat up, hardly able to move. I was hysterical. And there was semen all over my bed, and I just looked down at myself and cried. I tore all the pictures off my wall, tried so hard to forget about what had just happened. But it was no use. He had used me. But I had loved him. Didn’t he understand that?

I didn’t even bother cleaning up. I lay down, half naked, and fell asleep.

!!!

The next morning I spent crying. I broke every mirror in my house until finally my fists were bleeding so much and there was so much glass inside my hands that I had to stop. I went outside with some lemonade and sat down and thought. About Alex. About what had happened. I hated him.

!!!

That night, I went down to the beach. I sat there for hours, listening to the lull of the ocean, wishing I was anybody else.

When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. When morning came, and I was still sitting on the beach, I walked into the water. Finally it was up to my neck, and I was freezing, but I began to swim. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t stop until I reached that horizon.

__untilsundown @ 2004-06-02T07:31:00

2004-06-02T12:31:34Z

Dear Colin,
You are really _____. You should _____. We need to go _____. After that we can _____. Remember that time we _____? That was real _____. Maybe someday we can _____. You are my _____. I _____ you!
Signed your _____,
_____
P.S. _____.

stolen from nick/emily. please fill it out!!!

__untilsundown @ 2004-05-28T10:51:00

2004-05-28T14:52:10Z

comment if you want to be added. if you're already added don't worry.

__untilsundown @ 2004-05-28T10:12:00

2004-05-28T14:28:11Z

simply put, bookit was amazing. more amazing than i expected it to be, and that should say a lot. i have to write about absolutely EVERYTHING, but i'm going to break it into days so you don't have to read the whole thing.

day 1. long busride to d.c. we had fun though, and we watched waynes world and some other movie i can't remember. we all took lots of pictures too. we got to union station in d.c. and got food and i bought the dead poetic cd (new medicines) and we tried to play hackysack but got in trouble with security. then a long busride to the hotel, where we promptly got settled in and all went down to swim. we swam and then got changed and went to the dinner dance, which was very very nice. we got to watch the sunset and we all took pictures and it was just great. and i got a good idea for a story, which i like so much that i plan on writing as soon as i can. and we requested move your feet by junior senior to the dj and he played it!!! we were just so happy about that. then we got back to the hotel room and watched 8 mile on tv and fell asleep around 2 am.

day 2. wake up was supposed to be at 5:45 so of course the four of us (tucker, loren, mike and i) woke up at 7:30 to loud knocking on the door. apparently we had almost missed breakfast completely and the teachers had been knocking on our door for 45 minutes. awesome. we ate and went to some yorktown victory center thing which was cool i guess. some guy fired a musket and it reminded me so much of fireworks so i think we'll start those up again soon. then we went to busch gardens, which was just fucking godly. soooo much fun. lots of great rides and me and mike had such a great talk while we were alone eating frozen lemonades and popcorns. that was quite fun. and i really like boysnightout shirts and alexisonfire belt buckles. we left busch gardens at 5:30 and went to get pizza. savannah was sick and i kept asking her if her vagina hurt, and then took an awesome story-picture thing of her aching vagina. and we had a huge spitball war which was cool. after pizza we went back to the hotelroom for 5 minutes then went to colonial williamsburg, and chilled in this big field thing with lots of trees. it was very pretty, and we played hackysack with mr. reissig. he's quite good at it. and then we went to this old house and sat inside while it rained and thundered and lightninged outside and listened to people tell us scary stories. we were supposed to hear three, but after the second one it was raining a lot so they made us go home early. and we were walking to the bus, out in the sweet, warm rain, and i couldn't help but smile. it was so nice! i tilted my head back and spun around in the grass and tried to kiss the rain. i don't think i've ever felt like that before. it was just...i can't even explain it. i got onto the bus soaking and i didn't even care. we got back to the hotelroom and i called ruby and moshed to as i lay dying on the beds. and we were going to go get soda but the teachers wouldn't let us, so we slipped some money under the door to see if they'd get it for us, and they wouldn't and that sucked. so we just watched some tv and went to sleep.

day 3. woke up around the time we were supposed to, and got breakfast and packed and left the hotel. we went to some park called the presidents park and it would have been boring if we had had a bad tour guide but ours was cool so it worked out. after that we went back to colonial williamsburg and went to the shopping district and got to shop for a bit and eat. i got some really good cucumber salad and stopped in a lovely candy store and got some stuff. and then we had nothing to do so we played hackysack. someone had the idea of putting a hat out next to us, with a sign that said "WE NEED $ FOR A NEW HACKYSACK" and we made over ten dollars which was awesome. yeah, the teachers got mad but we didn't really care. then we took some tour which was pretty cool, and got back on the bus for the long ride home. we tried to make the ride better by taping savannah up with duct tape, but that only got us in trouble and got our tape taken away. and then i wasn't allowed to sit next to her for the rest of the trip, even though i did. we just listened to music and watched movies and such. and we stopped at a big fastfood place around 8 and me and mike had another nice little talk which i liked. then we watched signs and got home around 11:45.

good god that was long. i didn't expect it to be that long. but it was such an amazing trip.

now, as soon as i think mike will be up, i'm calling that schmuck. and then ruby all day tomorrow which will own. god i miss that girl.

__untilsundown @ 2004-05-13T07:15:00

2004-05-13T11:46:42Z

smoothies+lotsa rain+side orders of rice+more rain+douchebag officer+flipflops suck in rain (sewage)+splashing jeremy+naked giraffes=my afternoon.

papaya milkshakes+more side orders of rice+dance show+hackysack+savannah+discussingsluttydaysweusedtohavewithruby=my night

all in all...wonderful, wonderful day.

__untilsundown @ 2004-05-09T17:58:00

2004-05-09T22:01:07Z

good luck to anyone who tries to read this. although i really want you all to read it, because i like it a lot and i want some feedback. please don't read half of it. it is very long, but just try to read it in one sitting.

and i'm keeping it public so that anyone who wants to read it can.

and keep in mind that anyone who does read it gets a HUGE hug from me and free sex.
a.k.a. a hug.

1. this jail is filthy. i feel like i’m living in my own dirt, not to mention a lot of other people’s dirt. i wonder if all jails are this dirty.

as you go through life, you’ll see that there isn’t a single person who doesn’t make mistakes. while some people may seem perfect and some may not, they’re really all the same. another thing you’ll learn is that some mistakes can’t be avoided. the past six months of my life were one of those mistakes.

i’m the kind of guy who just isn’t mean to be. i have so many ticks it scares some people. for one, i hate germs. they terrify me. i know that someday i’ll get so many germs on me that i’ll die. also, i’m a bit of an insomniac. i do get sleep, but a whole night’s worth is rare. and my manic depression doesn’t help things very much.

six months ago i was in ruins. there were a lot of days where i didn’t feel like living at all. every day was the same. fun was a foreign thing i knew nothing about, and i saw happiness only in memories. my job, my apartment, my entire life was shit. and as far as i could tell, there wasn’t any way i could fix it. i often pretended that this was all a dream, and soon i would wake up to my gorgeous, real life. but of course, that never happened.

2. chicago is so much different at night. when you can’t sleep, what do you do? you go out and do something. and let me tell you, walking around a city at three in the morning is weird, almost eve scary. i saw some people that i would never see during the day. but even though i was out at night with them, i was not one of these night creatures. actually, i was practically normal compared to them.

the thing i loved about living in chicago was that even at night there are so many different things to do. it was such a gift, and i took advantage of it. some nights i would go to a diner and get some coffee, other times i’d go to a late night movie, and sometimes i’d even go to the arcade and play some games, pretending i was still only eleven or something. but my favorite thing to do at night was to watch the construction workers change the ad on a particular billboard. it was downtown, and once a week, sometimes sooner, they would go up and change it. it gave me such a great feeling to watch them change it. i almost felt like a v.i.p., someone privileged enough to see the new ad before all the normal people did.

i watched the construction workers change that billboard for almost a year, and after the seventh month, it started to lose its meaning. but i didn’t really have anything more interesting to do, so i kept watching. and it’s because i kept watching that i came across the ad that would eventually be the cause of me meeting jack.

3. there was this one night where i went to bed with an awful headache. it might have been from the heaving drinking that had occurred earlier in the evening, but i’m not sure. but i went to bed, and almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, i knew i wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. so i got out of bed, got dress, and went down to where this billboard was.

i got there just in time. i saw them take off the old ad which was for some stupid new restaurant uptown, and waited with curiosity at what the new billboard would be. i watched as they took out the new ad, still covered in a cloth, and put it up on the billboard stand. i waited, not taking my eyes off the new ad for a second, and finally they pulled the cloth off. as soon as i saw the new ad, i felt like i had just been pulled from the burning wreckage of a plane that had slowly gone down and finally crashed. it was an ad for a new, promising drug (or so the smiling doctor said from his spot on the ad), one that helped with severe cases of insomnia and mild cases of narcolepsy. i had finally found my savior.

it just so happened that i had a pad and pen in my coat pocket. eagerly, i took it out and wrote down every piece of information that i thought i might need. i went home and slept the rest of the night.

4. the next few days went by as usual...i moped about at work, at home, and everywhere in between. despite my recent discovery of this medicine, i felt like i still had something to search for. but this something felt very far away. and i had no idea what it was. but i tried not to worry myself about it, because of how far away it seemed. i tried to think of how this medicine would indeed change my life. because what would happen if i kept dwelling on this mysterious something, and i never did find it? my life would be a complete waste. not that it already isn’t. just, at least now i have things to look forward to. like this something. i thought of it as a gift. and there it was, right in front of me under the christmas tree. but i still had to open it. it just wasn’t christmas yet, wasn’t time to open the gift up. and, even when christmas did come, i would need to pull out my biggest pocketknife to open it up. it was so tightly and strongly wrapped, it was like its own little fort.

welcome to my life. a bouquet of weaving, winding thoughts that never die. this is what living is like for me. too much of a task, but i just can’t let go yet. this is why i was so anxious to get my hands on some of this medicine. i figured that fixing my insomnia was the first step in actually becoming a human being again. of course, the first step out of a million. and i desperately hoped that between the first step with the medicine, and the last step with god knows what, i wouldn’t get so tired i just gave up. i promised myself i wouldn’t abandon things this time.

5. i finally managed to get a doctors appointment. i went in as soon as i could, and sat in the waiting room. the nice, clean smell started to give me a headache. i needed my pollution. that’s what living in a city had gotten me. eventually, the doctor called me in.

i hated this doctor. not that i didn’t hate all doctors. in my mind they were quacks. but who wasn’t these days? everyone’s got a story, an excuse, some kind of a lie to tell. but yes, i really hated this doctor in particular. he always gave me the exact opposite of what i asked for. and he and i both knew he was doing it for spite. but this time seemed a little different. i asked him right away for the pills, and he said that he’d give me a prescription for them. i was saved.

i had never breathed such a sigh of relief as the one i breathed walking out of the doctor’s office. god was truly with me today. either that or the doctor was just in a good mood. most likely the latter. i’m not really one to believe in god. like i said everyone’s a quack. and yeah, god might be superior and all that, but he’s still no exception. he’s a quack, just like the rest of us. a fake, i bet someone made him up just so he’d have company when he was alone. that’s all god is. the imaginary friend of the world, for the people who believe in that religion crap. but not me, no sir. you won’t find me in a temple or church or any other religious place as long as there’s a breath in my body. probably not after, either.

6. i started taking the pills slowly, but gradually i took a few more. they worked. i slept soundly, and i loved it. this is what life was all about.

but the pills did more than give me sleep. they gave me reasons. lots of them. reasons to live, reasons to wake up early and have a shitty breakfast and go to work everyday, reasons to wake up early and have a shitty breakfast and go to work everyday, reasons why i was still here. i was finally the person i had always dreamed of being. i was human again. i had feelings, the majority of which were good. i was alive.

i didn’t mope around after i started taking the pills. instead, i started collecting things. at first it was stamps. but that only lasted for a week. then it was baseball cards. a bit childish, yes, but who says adults can’t be young again every once in a while? after the baseball cards it was business cards. i almost got fired for trying to steal a whole new pack of a co-workers business cards. but i didn’t care. i was alive! the little things didn’t matter anymore. i was becoming a better person every minute. i got sick of getting breakfast at mcdonalds every morning, so i taught myself how to cook. i got sick of taking the smelly, dirty bus to work everyday, so i bought a bike. these pills had done more for me than anything else i had ever encountered in life. and it felt so good.

after a while, i began to wonder if taking more pills would increase my sleep and happiness. i was so damn happy, i decided it was well worth a try.

7. soon i had gone from taking two pills a night (recommended dosage) to taking eight a night. and i was that much happier with every extra pill. i’m not sure at what point i started having awful vomiting fits, but i tried not to take too much notice of these. it happened pretty much twice a day. i would get this pain in my stomach, i’d run to the nearest toilet, and watch as the contents of that day’s meals tumbled and spilled out of my mouth. it hurt like hell every time, but i put my mind on other things, like these great pills.

after a few days of the eight pill dosage, i was so happy, and so glad i had gotten these pills, that i felt like i owed them something in return. and i knew exactly what that something was.

the next day, i promptly quit my job and went in search of the building where this pill had its headquarters. i’m not positive what i was doing, but i was pretty sure i wanted a job selling these pills on the street. who knew? maybe i’d get some more pills out of it.

8. after quite a lot of sleuthing, i came across an address. i don’t think i’ve ever been that excited. i decided i would go to the place the next day, since it was late. i took ten pills before i went to sleep.

i woke up early for me (noon) and immediately got dressed and left, forgetting about breakfast. i walked as fast as i could, and managed to get there in half an hour. it was such a dilapidated building, i was sure i had gotten the wrong address. plus, it was in the worst area of the city. i was pretty sure that almost every other building around was either abandoned or occupied by a gang. that’s how bad it was. and i turned around and began to walk home when i hear someone scream “please, spare me! please don’t kill me!” i’m not sure what came over me at that moment, for i was easily intimidated and scared, but i decided to go in.

the first entire floor was filled with boxes and boxes of things. all sorts of things. the first three boxes i looked in had old blenders, boxing gloves, and rotting fish. the whole place was putrid. i gagged, and walked up to the next floor.

the second floor was much different. it was almost empty, and there were lots of porno pictures cut out and glued to the walls. but there was someone here. i heard whimpering, but i couldn’t see anyone. granted it was dark, as there were no windows on this floor. but as my eyes adjusted, i saw the silhouettes of two people over in the corner. one had a knife to the others throat. i coughed from the dust, and they both looked at me. the one with the knife spoke. “look, if you’re a cop, you better stay back or i’ll have to slit your fucking throat.” now i was scared. this guy was obviously a bit insane. i told him i wasn’t a cop, i was only looking for a building with a certain insomnia pill. he turned back to the man on the floor, and thrust the knife into his arm. “now get outta here! i don’t wanna see your face ever again! i hope that teaches you not to cheat jack karrington out of his money!’ he spit on the man, who got up and ran downstairs. jack moved over, and sat down at a desk i hadn’t seen. he motioned for me to sit, apparently on the dirty floor. i sat and crossed my legs and began talking.

“look, i had bad insomnia, and i saw an ad for this pill, ‘Zaromax’. i tried it, and it works amazingly for me. so i got this address, and i came to look for a job.

jack paused. he smiled faintly, and said “welcome to the zaromax headquarters.”

9. after talking for a while with jack, we agreed on a job. i was to sell the pills on the street to drug sellers or anyone who wanted them. jack would pay me $10 a week, and give me five boxes of the pills a month. that meant over a thousand pills a month! it was too good to be true. i did think the money wasn’t enough, but i was so much more concerned about the pills that i hardly noticed.

jack was a good guy. a bit weird, but good. he lived in this building, in a closet on the third floor. oh, and the third floor was where he kept the pills. too many boxes to count. they were piled up to the ceiling, and there was no room to walk, except for a path that led to jack’s closet.

i also found out that there were other guys like me. like the one i saw then i came in, whom jack had stabbed. they all found their way here, and got a job selling the pills to underground buyers. jack had stabbed the guy because he hadn’t given jack the money from the latest sell. and that was the only way jack made money, and so he got mad. he had finally saved up to put that billboard up. the pills were fake. they didn’t help insomnia. it was some sleeping pill, some anti-depressant, and a small bit of cocaine all put in a capsule together. why cocaine? to get people addicted. and jack new he could tell me, because i was hooked already, and i would never stop taking those pills until the day i died. but i liked jack right away. he wasn’t evil. he was a criminal. and there is a big, big difference between the two.

10. i felt bad for jack. he lived in a closet in a shitty building in a bad part of town. his job was selling pills to people who were stupid enough to buy them. what a bad life. i felt so bad for jack that i asked him to live with me. i mean, my apartment was big enough for the two of us. and even though the pills didn’t help insomnia, i owed it to jack for giving them to me, because now i was a person. and some, no, in fact most would argue that it takes more than one person to help another human being to become a person, to create something out of nothing. but then again, jack is one hell of a person.

the first night jack slept with me, i was arrested.

jack has this funny notion that everything is on his terms. where he got it, i’m not quite sure. but he had it, and that was that. so when someone got mad at him for bumping directly into the guy’s daughter, jack felt that the best thing to do was to push the guy into oncoming traffic. and the police came. and since i was with jack, i got arrested too. we were driven away in the police car just as the back doors of the ambulance in front of us were slammed shut.

despite things people may tell you, spending a night in jail is not a good thing. not a good thing at all.

11. they let us go after a night. they didn’t think it was us anymore, said they had caught the guy who really did it. we left quickly, and as soon as we got outside a started yelling at jack. “how could you be so fucking stupid!” i screamed. i didn’t stop with that, though. i went on and on, and finally he put his fingers up to my lips, and told me to wait until we got home.

we got home and i started yelling again. and all of the sudden, jack grabbed me and slammed me down onto my kitchen table. “for your insolence, you will lose something precious.” he couldn’t have been more calm. he pulled a knife out of his pocket, and pressed it against my left index finger. i struggled and struggled, but he was too strong, even with one arm. he laughed and said “goodbye mr. pointer.”

dying would have been easier.

he sawed for ten minutes until my index finger was cut clean off. my lips were bleeding from biting them so hard, and the tears were pouring down my cheeks. but i wasn’t mad at jack. actually, i felt like i loved him. he had, after all, given me zaromax. i owed it to him.

i had become jack’s slave, and i didn’t even know it.

12. the first time i ever liked a girl was in seventh grade when i was thirteen. her name was sandra, and she was beautiful. i did everything i could to get her attention. but nothing ever worked.

there was another boy, arnold, who liked her as well. unfortunately, arnold was a lot stronger than me, and he knew i liked sandra too. and he did a lot of mean things to me to try and get me to leave sandra alone. but as always, love prevailed and i continued liking her. and then one day, when i was in an awful mood, arnold tripped me, and i fell flat on my face. everyone laughed. i got up, turned to face arnold, and hit him in the face. i lost control of my arms, and though i was smaller and weaker, i got enough punches in that soon he didn’t have a face anymore, but rather a bloody mess. he ran away, and all the kids cheered, and i won sandra's heart.

that entire story was true, except for the ending. i like to think that that was what really happened, but it’s not true. what really happened was i lost any friends i had, sandra slapped me hard across the cheek in front of everyone and never looked at me again, and i was promptly suspended for two weeks.

i told this to jack, and he laughed. i’m not sure why i told him. maybe to give him background information on why i haven’t ever dated anyone. he thinks my life is a joke. every part of it. he laughs in my face even though he knows it’ll bother me. and when i told him that story, and told him how i have never had a girlfriend, he told me he was going to do something about it.

we went to a strip club that night. it was his treat, and it sure was interesting. i really liked it, actually. i had such a sex drive and i never knew it. and when we left, jack made me talk to one of the strippers. i asked her for a drink, and off we went. then after drinks we went back to my apartment.

sex is amazing. i’m not sure if the stripper had a lot of experience or not, but i loved it. especially when jack came in and she started doing both of us. i always saw it as really demeaning to the woman, but she liked it more than i did, so it’s hard to believe that anymore.

13. i was up to around twenty pills every night. i’d take a couple, then read or watch tv.

pop, pop, swallow.

i’d get a little tired and start to drift off to sleep.

pop, pop, pop, swallow.

then i’d really be drifting off.

popopopopopopopop swallow. popopopopopopopopop swallow.

every single night.

then i started hallucinating. i kept seeing myself run off a cliff and splinter on sharp rocks far below. no pain, though. never any pain.

things started going downhill from there. i would wake up and see jack gone and have no idea where he was. the vomiting got a lot worse, and so did the hallucinations. now there was pain. lots. my happiness faded, i was back to being nothing. but more and more pills every night. soon it was thirty. then thirty five. i couldn’t stop.

i woke up one morning to a knocking at the door. once again, jack was gone. i opened the door, and vaguely recognized the face right away. he had a big bandage around his arm, and i knew he was the guy jack had stabbed the day i met him. i invited him in, and right away he began to talk.

“i’m so glad i finally found you. my name is jack karrington. i created zaromax almost a year ago. i sent people i hired out to sell it on the streets for me. then i hired steve, or who you know as jack karrington. he got tired of working for me, and he decided to do something about it the day you walked i. he doesn’t live in that building. he actually has a nice house not too far from here. he just wanted your money. i’m...i’m sorry. i have to leave now. goodbye.” and he ran.

i was shaking. i couldn’t believe this. i loved jack. or...steve. i wasn’t processing everything i had just heard. i took some more pills and ran out.

i was running for the warehouse with all the zaromax. i knew steve would be there. i had to find him, and talk to him.

that’s when the pills kicked in.

everyone’s face became steve’s face. everyone’s. i passed so many people, and they all had steve’s face. i panicked. i clenched my fists and started running faster. another steve walked up and said “hey, are you okay? you look like you need some help.”

“STAY AWAY!!!” i screamed. i backed up towards the buildings, but the steve just kept getting closer. i couldn’t take it. i grabbed him and pushed. hard. i watched as he stumbled backward into the street. i watched as the red honda hit him, and his body folded over and he flew like a paper airplane. blood few. he only had time for a quick scream and then he was on the ground again, dead, crumpled up in a heap.

the policeman across the street cuffed me right away.

14. so here i am in jail. one night was nothing. it’s been two weeks and already i want to die.

then, that night there’s an explosion. it tears out several cell bars, including a lot of mine. i climb through just as a guard walks by. he sees me. i run. he runs. i run faster. there’s nowhere to go, and in find myself running up the stairs. finally, i get to the rooftop. i push the door open, and run out. and steve's standing there. smiling. he pulls out a gun, and points it at me. my heart skips a beat, but i stand perfectly still. a single tear forms in my eye. he pulls the trigger. i feel a surge of pain in my head. i put my hand up to my forehead to discover i’m bleeding terribly.

doctor, we don’t think he’s going to make it.

i collapse. i gasp for breath, but i don’t know what to say so there’s not much point. and then i laugh. i laugh again, and again. this isn’t so bad! i would dance if i could! i try to stand up, but fall down and start bleeding more profusely.

i should hate steve. more than anything or anyone else in the world.

but i don’t. i love him. i love him so much it hurts. i love him because he gave me the only gift i ever really wanted, the gift i had looked for all along.

and that gift was death.

__untilsundown @ 2004-04-27T06:54:00

2004-04-27T13:23:13Z

i'm not in a good mood today. let's just leave it at that. there's nothing wrong. but there's nothing right either. i always tell people that if you find something to look forward to, you'll be ok. and right now, i can't find anything to look forward to. i have tutoring after school, then soccer, and i was going to go the mall tomorrow with mike and i guess i was looking forward to that but now i can't. i'm going to ask if we can go tonight, but i doubt we'll be able to since i have soccer. but we'll see. i guess all i can do is just keep my fingers crossed.

yesterday kaylin had a big thing of cheese, and nick took it. and i hate cheese (just plain cheese, that is) and he opened it and ate it. and he got cheese all over his fingers. and he hugged me and i almost cried.

i wrote a story and i guess i like it so i'll put it on here.

*************
there once was an old lady. she had lived a long time, and for the past few years, things weren't going very well for her. a couple years ago, she had a miscarriage and lost the only baby she would ever have. and her husband had just died, and now she was all alone. she was near death herself, and it was midwinter, and she felt that there wasn't much point in living anymore. every night when she went to bed, she would cry and cry until she finally fell asleep. and then one night, while she was sleeping, she died. but she didn't know it. she thought she was still sleeping, and that everything was a dream.

almost immediately after she died, a little boy flew in her window. she thought he looked familiar, but he was about three and she didn't know any little boy that age. the boy said "mother. i'm the boy you lost during your miscarriage. i am here to take you somewhere special." the old lady jumped for joy. she got out of bed and hugged him. "i've been waiting my whole life to see you, my little boy. i even thought of a name for you. jacob." the little boy smiled, and hugged his mother back. "jacob" he said. "i like that name." the old lady and the boy hugged and smiled for what seemed like a very long time. then they boy said "ok. now i have to take you somewhere." "but where?" the old lady said. the boy smiled and said "anywhere you want, mother." the old lady had really been looking forward to summer, so she said "take me to the summer." the boy grabbed her hand and off they went.

they flew out of her bedroom window. it was still dark out, but she could see lots of lights in other neighboring houses. they flew up and up, so high up that they were above the clouds and the old lady could see all the stars. every star they passed by smiled, and waved at the old lady and the boy. and finally they came to a big door, right there in between two huge stars. the stars said "welcome to summer." and the doors opened and in went the old lady and the boy.

the summer was a beautiful, beautiful place. there were flowers budding everywhere, and pretty trees and the grass was perfect, just like the old lady liked. she laid in it for hours and hours with the boy, just talking about things. then she heard a whole bunch of talking, and she sat up, and there were a whole bunch of people having a picnic! she walked over, and saw her husband, and all her old friends who had passed away. and they all smiled and waved at her, and she sat down and joined their picnic. and they talked and talked until it was dark out and it was time to go to sleep. they all laid out on the perfect grass and watched the sun setting. the old lady felt happier than she had her entire life. and she looked at the little boy, and smiled and said "i never ever want to leave this place."

and the boy smiled right back and said "mother, you'll never have to."

i figured i should try writing a nice story, and i guess this ones good. i hope it makes everyone who reads it really happy.

wow. we just had an assembly about gangs, and it was just weird. i knew about gangs, but from listening to the cop talk about them, i just have no idea how anyone could ever want to join one. i don't understand what they really get out of it. he told us that the initiation for girls is either the "thirtyone second beating" or they roll two dice, and whatever the number is that they land on, that's how many gang members they have to sleep with, unprotected, before they can join. oh, and then they need to bring another girl and have lesbian sex with her. then they can join. and what happens after they join? they either get caught by the other gang and have their gang tatoo cut off, and then are killed, or they end up in jail. just fucking brilliant. i love gangs.

i really wish i was in a good mood right now. and i'm going to be so mad if i can't go to the mall tonight.

__untilsundown @ 2004-04-23T10:48:00

2004-04-23T14:48:41Z

tiredddd.

heard the new fear before the march of flames cd. good shit.

__untilsundown @ 2004-04-18T12:19:00

2004-04-18T16:20:31Z

i'll say this again for anyone who didn't see last time.

COMMENT TO BE ADDED!!!

if you already commented on the last one, you don't need to comment again because i've already added you.

__untilsundown @ 2004-04-17T15:34:00

2004-04-17T19:36:55Z

ok. i deleted all my friends. so...

COMMENT IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED!!!