i think she is the saddest girl to ever hold a martini

!!!nuevo!!!

2005-05-28T20:03:14Z

__translation @ 2005-05-25T18:22:00

2005-05-26T01:22:02Z

New Alkaline Trio makes my heart go (!!!!!ALKSFJHGAS!!!@!!)

Just what I needed :)

KICK IT!

2005-05-25T04:05:06Z

What is with these television shows aimed towards teens? They're fucking gay. So much has happened while I've been gone. It's almost too much to catch up on, I've pretty much already made my decision. I'm starting over. When I turn 17 I'm going to move into a sober living in Orange County. There is nothing left for me here. The world kept going and changing, while I stayed stationary. It's hard and unless things change sometime soon, I'm going to have to bail or I'll just keep getting fucking high. I'm not sure where my heart is anymore, but I know it's not here.

__translation @ 2005-05-19T11:35:00

2005-05-19T18:35:41Z

I'm home.

__translation @ 2005-04-13T23:01:00

2005-04-14T06:01:58Z

Butterflies!

That's what I've been up to during my house arrest, heh. I'm getting so anxious as to when I'm leaving for rehab. No one's telling me anything. Today was the first day I was let out of the house and Nicole took me shopping. Then I went to NA with Leej. I missed him. I watched Resident Evil 2, Spanglish, Saw and Closer. Natalie Portman always plays characters that remind me of me. Anyways, my klonopin is kicking in. Goodnight. I love you.

__translation @ 2005-04-08T09:58:00

2005-04-08T16:58:23Z

I just had the wierdest dream EVER. I didn't even know half the fucking people in it. OK I FEEL LIKE SHIT THIS MORNING. I THINK I'VE BEEN SMOKING TOO MUCH COS MY THROAT IS LAKSKDGKDHGS@!!@!#!$

p.s. I'm going to change one day I tell you. I'll get my shit straight. I'm just not ready yet.

I LOVE HER!

2005-03-24T07:37:57Z

When I was on drugs earlier, I had this brilliant long schpeel about a tunnel of some sort. And now I completely forgot what the hell I was thinking about. I am feeling very warm right now. Please don't disappear, I am spacing out with you. You are the most beautiful entity that I've ever dreamed of. At night I will protect you in your dreams; I will be your angel. You worry so much about not having enough time together, it makes no difference to me. I would be happy with just one minute in your arms. Let's have an extended play together; you're telling me that we live too far to love each other, but your love can stretch further than you and I can see. So how does it make you feel? (Drug haze part)How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? Do you know when you look at me it is a salvation. I've been waiting for you so long. I can drive on that road forever. I wish you could exist to live on my planet. Well it's very hard for
me to say these things in your presence, So how does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? How does it make you feel? So how does it make you feel? Well,I really think you should quit smoking.

I could spend the rest of my life stoned and listening to that song. If you sit there still enough, you become part of the song. It's one of those things in life where you are like, this right here, is a moment. I'm living in a memory.

Baby cos I'm a thug.

2005-03-23T04:31:30Z

I hardly wear any makeup anymore. I just don't see the point of it. It hurts when you love people , that you know really don't love you back. I wake up to that everyday and end up doing stupid things when I'm sad or depressed. For example the later part of my night last night. I don't know what I was thinking and I shouldn't have even been in his house. Anyway, WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FUCKING RAIN?!! SHIT! I think I've finally gone completely crazy.

I fell out of bed, and my bed is a good 3-4 feet off the goddamn floor, in a drug haze onto this mirror that had a circular rim thingy and oh shit worse pain EVER! I can't sit on a certain part of my ass without horrible pain. Seriously, I have the worst luck.

Ew, I look gross waiting for my drugs to kick in.

__translation @ 2005-03-21T10:18:00

2005-03-21T18:18:39Z

Oh my god. I'm obsessed with Johnny Cash. It's sick. His voice makes me want to bang his dead corpse.

__translation @ 2005-03-15T22:35:00

2005-03-16T06:34:49Z

I have so much to say, and so many photos to show. I went to the tanning place today, and my photos came back, at least I think, beautiful. I got lonely before Lisa picked me up, so I went to the record store and bought another Johnny Cash cd. I also finally got Pretty Girls and Atmosphere in my possession. I'm kinda stoned and I want some cookies. Oh! I think you can see my new nose stud, err maybe not.

__translation @ 2005-03-15T11:48:00

2005-03-15T19:48:39Z

I get my portfolio pictures back today! I'm so nervous to see how they look big size!

__translation @ 2005-03-11T23:27:00

2005-03-12T07:25:53Z

Look, it's coked out Courtney Love.

Leave a comment with something of mine you would like to see, and I will take a photo of it and post it. For example, my kitchen, pillows, my alarm clock, etc. But I'm only going to do it if a lot of you participate!

Why should I take your hand if you can't promise happy endings?

2005-03-11T05:29:37Z

I love this picture, it's typical Brianna and Jen. I miss times like this.

__translation @ 2005-03-09T23:17:00

2005-03-10T07:17:56Z

Buying the Rules of Attraction and a glass with a hula girl on it was basically the highlight of my day. Pathetic much?

__translation @ 2005-03-08T23:16:00

2005-03-09T07:16:35Z

I gots a diamond in mah nose. I'm pimp now. No, I'm GANGSTAAA! I spent today picking out photos for my portfolio for the review in Culver City. I drove my mom to her doctor's today, and there was a guy who was giving samples of Viagra to the office. So I nudged my mom and go "Ehh, Mom, you want some Viagra." And the guy fucking hears me and starts cracking up. But then he gave me a Viagra pen. So I said "Uhh. thanks, this will come in handy..." And my mom smacks me in the head again. Today's been a weird day. I need to clean.

__translation @ 2005-03-06T22:14:00

2005-03-07T06:06:42Z

I got my nose pierced again yesterday. So did Vicky.

My mother is slowly losing a child; and family is slowly meaning less.

__translation @ 2005-03-04T21:50:00

2005-03-05T05:50:37Z

Abby and I ran into the missing member of Good Charlotte today when I went to get a barbell for my nose. EHEM, fuck it was funny. I also got a Hello Kitty bandana and I look hardcore Rockabilly. I'm so drugged all the time, it's like I'm in slow motion, I already forgot that word I asked Abby in the car. This girl at my old school didnt know heroin was bad for you. Thank god I'm never going back. I'm on drugs right now, k.

Addiction hurts EVERYONE.

2005-03-04T06:56:21Z

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.And she gave away
the secrets of her past,And said I've lost control again,
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.
And she turned around and took me by the hand and said,
I've lost control again.And how I'll never know
just why or understand,She said I've lost control again.
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,
I've lost control again.And seized up on the floor,
I thought she'd die.She said I've lost control.
She's lost control again.She's lost control.
She's lost control again.She's lost control.

And I don't know what to do.

THIS IS GOD CALLING!

2005-02-24T06:43:50Z

(this photo is so old! i still had my natural hair!)

I got to have a bitchy moment today, for the first time in way to long. I said what I actually fucking felt, and it was good. I'm thinking of checking myself into a clinic. Now is the perfect time. I no longer have strings attached. Or I could even move. Oh the freedom, now if I wasn't so depressed I could actually enjoy it.

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Better Than Ezra, AHAHAHA. Whatev it's only one song.

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
Uhm, mineral water?

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Holy shit, The Notebook, Lion King, any movie involving animals and them dying.

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Pfft, I'm all talk, I wouldn't get anything till I was old, except maybe some collagen in my bottom lip.

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Yeah, airplanes :/ It used to be elevators. Like I had to take the stairs everywhere and I physically couldn't ride in an elevator. It was so bad.

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I talk too much or start picking at my fingers.

7. Are you a pyromaniac?
Yes, guilty.

8. Do you have too many love interests?
Nope, just one.

9. Do you know anyone famous?
Sure, I've met people.

10. Describe your bed:
Huge and comfy and all mine!

11. Are you spontaneous or planned?
Fuck, I'm spontaneous as hell.

12. Who would play you in a movie?
Scarlett Johansson

13. Do you know how to play poker?
Duh.

14. What do you carry with you at all times?
Chapstick, water. Sometimes my phone, wallet and keys.

15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Everything.

16. Are you happy with your given name?
I've grown to like it, it's kinda pretty all together.

17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
How would I my papers, a whole hell of a lot.

18. What color is your bedroom?
Puke green haha.

19. What was the last song you were listening to?
D.J.S.; Sublime = <3

20. Have you ever been in a play?
I played an evil king turned good once. I don't remember what the play was.

21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah.

22. Do you talk a lot?
I try not to because I start to annoy myself.

23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Ask me again tomorrow.

24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Nope.

25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Of course, unless you say or do something stupid.

26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
My friends. Actually I spend more time alone, but we won't go there.

27. What is your ideal marriage location?
On the beach, barefoot, with like 5 people there.

28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Yo quiero tocar la guitarra.

29. Favorite fabric?
Cotton, or flannel.

30. Something you love and hate?
I love that I don't go to school but I hate that I have nothing to do all day but sleep.

31. What kind of bedding do you use?
I have an Ikea comforter and flannel sheets, mmm.

32. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Sometimes.

33. What's the one language you want to learn?
Japanese and German.

34. How do you eat an apple?
No me gusta.

35. What do you order at a bar?
A shirley temple, HAHA.

36. What piercings do you have?
8 lobe, 1 tragus, 2 belly, septum, tongue.

37. Do you have tattoos?
No.

39. Do you drive a stick?
Hahah, I was going to make a dirty joke, but I'll refrain.

40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Ignorance/disrespect.

41. What kind of watch do you wear?
I don't wear one cos I can't tell time on a face watch.

43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Hell yes.

44. What do you cook the best?
I'm actually a really good cook, except pancakes, for some reasonI can't make them.

45. Favorite writing instrument?
Pen, even for math.

46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Somehow I always tend to stand out. I get stared at no matter where I go and I don't get it.

47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
I like my clothes thank you much.

48. What's one car you will never buy?
A Mini Cooper. It looks like a fat lady sat on it.

49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Good ones.

50. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Go to Cambodia, help my parents with their finances, buy all the animals in the pound so they don't get put to sleep.

51. Burial or cremation?
I'm not sure. Probably cremation cos I'm clausterphobic.

52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
About half my friend's list.

53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
007 video games.

54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I fucking tell them.

56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
People tell me I'm intimidating. So does my mom. What gives?

57.What's one thing you like to do alone?
Read, drink (closet alcoholic), getting ready.

58. Are you a giver or a taker?
Boooth.

59. When's the last time you cried?
Today. I'm really emotional lately. It's wierd.

60. Favorite communication method?
Tex messages <3

61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Hah, like one.

62. Do you think you're cute?
No.

__translation @ 2005-02-23T14:03:00

2005-02-23T22:03:49Z

I hate how my nose is usually the only part of my body that is freezing.

__translation @ 2005-02-21T22:09:00

2005-02-22T06:08:02Z

Yesterday, we were rollin' and pimpin' in the Escalade cos you know, that's how we ride, niggz.

__translation @ 2005-02-20T11:57:00

2005-02-20T19:57:17Z

"THE STORM'S A'COMING!!!"

-My mom this morning as I crawled out of bed.
I swear she's a closet stoner.

girl love <3

2005-02-20T06:49:19Z

ILU!

It's pathetic that I can relate so well to a pop song.

2005-02-19T21:51:58Z

I watched the walls around me crumble 
But it's not like I won't build them up again 
So here's your last chance for redemption 
So take it while it lasts, cause it will end 
My tears are turning into time I've wasted
Trying to find a reason for goodbye 

I can't live without you 
Can't breathe without you 
I'm dreamin' bout you 
Honestly, tell me that it's over 
Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living 
It won't be right if we're not in it together 
Tell me that it's over 
And I'll be the first to go 
Don't want to be the last to know 

I won't be the one to chase you 
But at the same time
You're the heart that I call home 
I'm always stuck with these emotions 
And the more I try to feel, the less I'm whole 
My tears are turning into time I've wasted 
Trying to find a reason for goodbye 

I can’t live without you 
Can’t breathe without you 
I’m dreamin' bout you 
Honestly, tell me that it’s over 
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living 
It won't be right if were not in it together 
Tell me that it's over 
And I’ll be the first to go, yeah, I’ll be the first to go 
Don’t want to be the last to know 

My tears are turning into time I’ve wasted 
Trying to find a reason for goodbye 

I can’t live without you 
Can’t breathe without you 
I’m dreamin' bout you 
Honestly, tell me that it’s over 
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living 
It won't be right if were not in it together 
Tell me that it's over
Tell me that it's over, over
Honestly tell me, honestly tell me
Don't tell me it's over
Don't tell me it's over

I will one day return to you.

2005-02-15T07:42:03Z

Bright Eyes on Saturday started out really good.

Then a little into the show, my stomach started to feel like it was eating itself alive. My parents drove me to the Glendale emergency, where I got to spend the night having saline and morphine pumped into me.

(my new tragus)
I also stole Lisa's jacket who she stole from Remi, and it's pretty and I wanna keep itttttt@!!##!

Hahah, lame.

Dori didn't have school today, so she came over and we got mice!

Ashley

Mary Kate.

P.S. Aww, today I knocked over my

SO BUMMED!

Oh yeah, and getting your heart broken on Valentine's Day practically equals suicide. I think I'm in shock right now, but shortly I'll be reaching for the poison. And I am not one to be dramatic, thnx. I just threw over two years of my life down the trash.