Lady Godiva's room..

__stereotherapy @ 2008-10-05T22:37:00

2008-10-06T02:39:08Z

Nevertheless, something will come of all this,” I said.
“Nothing,” he said. “A brief pulsation in the black hole of eternity. My advice to you—”
“Wait and see,” I said.
He shook his head. “My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.”

Grendel by John Gardner.

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

-Pablo Picasso

cired the first time i heard this.

2008-10-06T00:27:26Z

i never want to leave these mountains except to travel.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-10-05T20:12:00

2008-10-06T00:13:01Z

i'll never understand these kids making fun of handicapped or old people. makes me nauseus, ew.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-29T09:16:00

2008-09-29T13:16:20Z

you've got to hide your love away

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-26T09:24:00

2008-09-26T13:29:19Z

'But I cannot be worrying-worrying all the time about the truth. I have to worry about the truth that can be lived with. And that is the difference between losing your marbles drinking the salty sea, or swallowing the stuff from the streams.'"

-White Teeth, Zadie Smith

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris? What's the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood?”
- Leonard Cohen

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
-- Julius Caesar Act II, scene ii --

"That which you call your soul or spirit is you conciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the coice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." ~Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

i am at

2008-09-26T04:26:12Z

a place where i don't NEED anyone,
a place where i would rather sit at home on a saturday night and play video games with my sister, who never leaves her room, but somehow has a hint of a bright sprit still. The smile she couldnt hide when i raved about her artwork and hung it on my wall.
When you're kind and you love and you go out of your way, These things not only affect the people in your life, but you.
when you don't NEED anyone, you can see the people in your life, clearly, and appreciate them even more.
when you've lost something of great importance, i can almost breathe easier knowing that part is now perfect, peaceful, light and purity, and she's a place i can always go to, when im bored or wanting something more than what is here.
life is choice choice choice of how you see it and make it. and life is so short, way too short, way to uncertain to sit around self-loathing, idle.
it's completely what you surround yourself with.
Take some short breaks in your life to see a bird's eye view, and re-evaluate what you have built up in your thoughts and sort through the things that weigh you down.
Be very very kind to people.
and keep in touch with your past, but appreciate it as it was/is, and keep going.
love and appreciate your family.
never let your past self reflections weigh down your present.
and there really is a great importance of the physical-mind body connection. i've been running and doing so much yoga lately. experiencing new things and learning and getting positive feedback feels good.
everything is now now now now.
DO things.
if it works, you should find a way to do it.
i have so much love for so many things, and it almost seems hard to love people. People want to be loved but aren't willing to love. Love almost gets so big that simply loving that person isnt enough. but to love anyway feels good.
everythings so ambiguous. as you get older, it seems these small, every-day words start to contain huge meanings.
live your life so that your on the good side of everything, nature, people, spririts, your 'self',
blahblablablahbah
im just feeling really good lately.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-24T22:30:00

2008-09-25T02:32:16Z

when it all comes down to it, you cant be sure in anything but you can hope for the best, do your best and try to live in each moment. you were the greatest example of that, you also never sat around and self-loathed. life is a CHOICE. life is choices. your thoughts are choices, your sadness, for the most part. get up, rise up.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-24T08:36:00

2008-09-24T12:37:01Z

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I cant see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind and I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You cant let go cause youre afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you cant feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words youve got to stand behind.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says dont you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Dont give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill, only love can fill, only love can fill.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-23T22:33:00

2008-09-24T02:44:17Z

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost, 1923

Schopenhauer said,"When you look back on your life, it looks as though it were a plot, but when you are into it, it's a mess: just one surprise after another. Then, later, you see it was perfect."

Sometimes there are little glimpses of the perfection, amidst the mess. It is at those times we feel blessed beyond measure."

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-20T22:45:00

2008-09-21T02:50:23Z

a place where love is enough
opaqueness
i dont want anything out of anyone really but for them to feel 'my love'.
everything about me has been feeling softer.
everything balanced lately,
my sister is a great artist, it almost made me cry, some were sortof trippy, made from just her mind.im so proud. im going to try to be her best friend, make up for all these years. i cant imagine her life, the difficulties she faces, the mental hell of what she's had to adjust to..
everything's almost a complete circle.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-17T23:52:00

2008-09-18T04:00:29Z

sometimes it's too obvious that there is life after death.
elena, spirits, something is sending me insights, feelings, peace.this sounds like a hopeless griever but i swear im being enlightened by something beyond me lately. something soft and new is running through me and i love it. sometimes all i feel is a tremendous peace and love, sometimes i feel like i AM elena, which isnt too crazy considering most of the energy that makes up "i" comes from years with her. sometimes i feel so much love that i get sad because theres no way in this life to express it. where does love go?
i feel like all this positive energy is going to waste, but then again i guess i shoudl take every opportunity to express it, with strangers, with the people i see every day, parents, and then maybe through that i will form deeper relationships with people. i've never been needy when it comes to guys, i am capable of always being unattached, but lately, I'm really ready to experience "falling in love". i've been reading a lot on NDE's and am not as scared of dying. When you think about it, when it all comes down to it, the most intricate discoveries, the endless myriads that branch off into dense numerous ambiguous thoughts, it all leads you to simple words, simple thoughts, it's all so simple. you have to go through so much in this life just to realize simple things, it really is beautiful.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-17T20:04:00

2008-09-18T00:04:39Z

They ask me if I've ever thought about the end of
the world, and I say, "Come in, come in, let me
give you some lunch, for God's sake." After a few
bites it's the afterlife they want to talk about.
"Ouch," I say, "did you see that grape leaf
skeletonizer?" Then they're talking about
redemption and the chosen few sitting right by
His side. "Doing what?" I ask. "Just sitting?" I
am surrounded by burned up zombies. "Let's
have some lemon chiffon pie I bought yesterday
at the 3 Dog Bakery." But they want to talk about
my soul. I'm getting drowsy and see butterflies
everywhere. "Would you gentlemen like to take a
nap, I know I would." They stand and back away
from me, out the door, walking toward my
neighbors, a black cloud over their heads and
they see nothing without end.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-17T09:07:00

2008-09-17T13:07:45Z

crying will never be enough,
wrapping myself in your clothes isnt.
i could tattoo your name all over my body and it wouldnt be enough.
i could write until my hand falls off, still not.
drinking seems pointless cause tomorrow still comes after you begin to sober,
same with sleep sometimes.
this burning in my chest, up my throat, will never leave me.
it will never get better from here in terms of people, when you've known the best it's only down from there.
but i wouldnt want it anyway, you're the "bluebird i keep in my heart."
you're the sad question mark at the end of everything.

ive got to make something of myself for you, youre the only thing that keeps me motivated, even before you died, it was that way. i can see your light now, when i too am released.

hanging.

i dont want any more scientific answers, i dont want physical explanations, i want someone to tell me its magic its magic. it's all magic for ever and after, sleep, you'll see her again.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-16T20:34:00

2008-09-17T00:34:25Z

this thing upon me is not death
but it's as real
and as landlords full of maggots
pound for rent
I eat walnuts in the sheath
of my privacy
and listen for more important
drummers;
it's as real, it's as real
as the broken-boned sparrow
cat-mouthed, uttering
more than mere
miserable argument;
between my toes I stare
at clouds, at seas of gaunt
sepulcher. . .
and scratch my back
and form a vowel
as all my lovely women
(wives and lovers)
break like engines
into steam of sorrow
to be blown into eclipse;
bone is bone
but this thing upon me
as I tear the window shades
and walk caged rugs,
this thing upon me
like a flower and a feast,
believe me
is not death and is not
glory
and like Quixote's windmills
makes a foe
turned by the heavens
against one man;
...this thing upon me,
great god,
this thing upon me
crawling like snake,
terrifying my love of commonness,
some call Art
some call Poetry;
it's not death
but dying will solve its power
and as my grey hands
drop a last desperate pen
in some cheap room
they will find me there
and never know
my name
my meaning
nor the treasure
of my escape.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-16T00:09:00

2008-09-16T04:13:20Z

nothing is so lucid as the promise of dreams.
sleep and nature are my closest friends lately.
i hope you're feeling my progress,
your absence is a black black hole.
your smile makes me so sad but so proud.
everyone's feeling/seeing you in all your glory.
everyones trying to claim you.
us, the few, know the secrets.
you do so much for me in every single day.
i love you so very much.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-13T22:30:00

2008-09-14T02:39:17Z

i know my mom loves me because of how she can recount every surgery, every precaution every night she had to stay up with me when i was a baby. Also because to this day, when i get shots and i cry (ha-ha), her eyes get watery.
i can recall certain times in my life where my conscience seemed to stop. i dont know how to explainit, but like my mind came out of "time" and realized this is one of thos emoments. like running in the rain with jordan eash in 7th grade, sitting in my aunts lap on the ride home from christmas, i can remember specific moments and i can go back to them, time is not real. im so grateful for this life. i wanna watch garden state. i think im goign to move to athens. mountains will be great to live in when im older, amazin gto go play and visit now, but not good to grow in the young harris environment. who knows, que sera sera

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-13T15:07:00

2008-09-13T19:08:26Z

people and their stupid fucking problems
& the unknown we all like to pretend we have the answers to,
& their stupid fucking egos
because of pieces of material
or songs they listen to.

people create whole identities through technology, clothes, words,
but we're all so simply the same.

there's something new running through my veins,
it's all a stage and i want off.

no one feels right, no place feels right, nothing feels right
i just want out.

i want a farm and a house and mountains and fields
but i guess a house in athens with allie will suffice.

hopefulllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
i just need growth.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-11T13:00:00

2008-09-11T17:01:04Z

im incredibly lonely.
without you i am alone

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-10T16:58:00

2008-09-10T21:00:57Z

Today I am fragile
pale
twitching
insane and full of purpose.

I'm thinking of my lover:
my soft hips pressing his coarse belly,
my tongue on a salmon nipple,
his hand buried in my thick orange hair
the telephone ringing.

I'm thinking we tend our illnesses
as if they are our children:
fevered
screaming
demanding attention and twenty dollar bills,
hours we could have spent making love with the television on.

Faith is a series of calculations
made by an idiot savant.
I'm in love.
I'm alone
in this city of painted boxes
stacked like alphabet blocks
spelling nothing.

There are things I know:
trees don't sing
birds don't sprout leaves
roses bloom because that's what roses do,
whether we write poems for them
or not.

I concentrate on small things:
ivy threaded through chain link,
giveaway kittens huddled in a soggy cardboard box,
a fat man blowing a harmonica
through a beard of rusty wires
brown birds chattering furiously on power lines.

I try not to think about
lung cancer, AIDS,
the chemicals in the rain;
things I can't imagine any more than
a color I've never seen.

My heart is graffiti on the side of a subway train,
a shadow on the wall made by a child.

Nothing has been fair since my first skinned knee
I believe death
must be.

I cling to love as if it were an answer.
I go on buying eggs and bread,
boots and corsets,
knowing I'll burn out before the sun.

I'm thinking of
the days I tried to stay awake
while the billboards and TV ads
for condoms, microwave brownies, and dietetic jello
lulled me to sleep.

A brown-eyed girl once told me a secret
that should have blown this city
into a mass of unconnected atoms
Our sewage is piped to the sea.
Beggars in the street
are hated for having the nerve
to die in public.

Charity requires paperwork,
Relief requires medication

as if we were the afterthoughts of institutions
greater than our rage.

Gravity chains us to the asphalt with such grace
we think it is kind.

We all go on buying lottery tickets
Diet Coke and toothpaste
as if the sky over our heads
were the roof of a guilded cage.

We provide evidence that we were here:
initials cut into cracked vinyl bus seats,
into trees growing from squares
of concrete,
a name left on a stone, an office building,
a flower, a disease, a museum,
a child.
Tonight the stars glitter like rhinestones
on a black suede glove.

In the coffin my room has become,
I talk to God
about the infrequency of rain
about people who can't see the current gentleness
running under the pale crust of my skin.

I tell him under
the jackhammer crack, the diesel truck rumble,
even the clicking sound traffic lights make
switching from yellow to red,
there is a silence
swallowing
every song,
conversation,
every whisper made beside graves
or in the twisted white sheets of love.

I tell him I can't fill it
with dark wine, blue pills,
a pink candle lit at the altar
the lover
touching my hair.
God doesn't answer.
God doesn't know our names.

He's only the architect
designing the places we occupy
like high rise offices or ant hills

I know this
the way I know
sunrise and sunset
are caused by the endless turning
of the Earth.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-07T19:41:00

2008-09-07T23:41:10Z

it's yellow butterflies

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-03T23:43:00

2008-09-04T03:48:38Z

sadness, death is my ball and chain, it never lets me be no matter how hard i try mind over matter. i realize that i should make my life the way i want it to and enjoy it even though i see life as something i will have to trudge through from here on out.
my life is passing through my mind in bits and pieces, memories, feelings, revived from yars ago. the pieces that have made up the entirety of my life. i have the strongst feeling of wanting to regress back to a child, i want to bury myself in childhood movies, fiction novels, and drown my thoughts out away from reality. all i wake up to do lately is get high, go to classes, and then sleep sleep sleep. what is controlling me? what is this darkness?
all i have to do is dream...dream dream dream and i see you, in my mind, whenever i want to.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-03T22:18:00

2008-09-04T02:19:03Z

it's hard without my rock

im bored with yh

2008-09-03T21:01:52Z

i just want to be a child again

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-03T12:29:00

2008-09-03T16:30:11Z

"Jesus, you'd think a person would run out of fucking tears. "

i have to make a drastic change soon.

__stereotherapy @ 2008-09-02T19:24:00

2008-09-02T23:24:38Z

"i"????????????????????????????????/////