X TO THE END X

A Second Glance

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 11:12:47 GMT

Tonight I realized that I hadn't checked our mail box in a while, yet I'd been sending out countless Christmas cards in the hopes that people would send me money for my Vera fundraising efforts. I checked the mail, and was completely overwhelmed. There were three letters, all with checks for Vera inside. One from Teresa and Ken (her fiance), one from PetraPeterBob, and one from Chuck. Between the three of them I received $95 for Vera!! Holy Shit! I am so excited and grateful it's unbelievable!! Now I have $168 out of the $200 I need to raise by the end of the year. That means I only need $32, which is going to be cake. It feels so good to have put in a real effort and have people respond with gifts far greater than I could ever have hoped for. I am writing hand-written thank you letters (no cards) to everyone who donated, along with a mix cd of bands that have played at Vera. It's taking a while so far, but it's definitely worth it.

SUCH A GOOD DAY.

apple on the table

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 05:18:02 GMT

http://appleonthetable.blogspot.com/

i came to be the music

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 09:04:09 GMT

i found it interesting, to say the least, that band of horses has a song called "st. augustine" that includes the lines "we're dancing on the poisoned in their graves/ at the end of the night we've all seen better days/ i know you tried/ i know you're cursed/ i know your best was still your worst/ when hollywood was calling out your name/ st. augustine"
couldn't have said it better myself, name included. afterall, he was named after the saint who said something to the effect of "chastity and continence...but not yet."

moving on, i promise.

it's been really, really good to see old friends friends lately. something about getting back to your roots, or where you came from, except it's less about the place and more about what those people meant to you, and evidently still mean. they mean a lot. in fact, it's easy to forget sometimes when you get caught up in life but the past few days have reminded me of what it means to just care about someone. so much so that it genuinely feels really wonderful just to be around them. it's sort of hard to explain, but it's been my saving grace the past few days because work has been hellish and everyone else in the house has gone home for the holiday. so, thanks guys:)

work sucks right now, that's all there is to it. i hate the people that come into the store, i hate that my co-workers in the lab are so fucking incompetent, i hate that people have finally come to visit me at work and i can't sit around and chat because there are a million people with a million asinine questions in the store. sorry. i normally like work, it's just that the holidays make everyone stupid which, in turn, makes me frustrated beyond belief. the good news is that there's only a few days left and then it's back to normal. i just have to make it through christmas. end rant.

also, there's no way i'm going to be able to get my michigan application in on time, so i'm going to wait until next year. maybe it's better, in the long run. i'll have the rest of the year to get good letters of recommendation, study for the GRE (fuck you standardized tests), and write a legit personal statement. it'll work out.

i'm sort of really getting serious about flying to key west for my birthday. i'm not sure how i would afford to go, but at least i can stay with barry and make him feed me, so i'd mostly just have to pay for a plane ticket. even for a couple days, sun and sand and my best friend sounds really good.

i'm so tired. it's friday night and i want to be out at the program (blue scholars) show tonight but it's expensive and i work again tomorrow morning. bleh. maybe tomorrow night? cancer rising is playing that one and i haven't seen them in ages.

i got some amazing things today at the $1.50 japanese store that i discovered in the mall today. it's the greatest store of all time. i got my christmas present for meghan and tiff, found us cool container things to put on the wall to replace our ghetto cardboard mail slot things, i got a bunch of crap i don't need but was so awesome i couldn't resist. this includes a kleenex holder with apples on it that says "apple on a table" on one side, and "it eats the fruit of the orchard" on the other side. i also got a matching money tin/piggy bank thing, colored electrical tape, cheap cd cases for the mix cd's i owe the people who gave me money for vera, a whale tie as a joke for my dad, and pretty wrapping paper.

goodnight.

p.s. thank you back-cracker, i felt so much better today!

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:04:48 GMT

meghan and i just watched knocked up. for some reason i like that movie a little more each time i watch it, which is weird because usually it goes the other way around. i didn't really like it at all the first time i saw it, but this time... i don't know. it gets less cheesy every time? maybe.

i'm excited to see ben and adam and justine and spencer. i think i need to get back a little bit of that. whatever it was that we've all always had (not collectively, mind you, but myself with each of them).

i could use a day to relax in the harbor. i could really, really use that. i want to lay on a dock for hours and do nothing but stare at the sky. god that sounds good.

i need to fucking register for the GRE's. i keep putting it off and that's bad. my application is due january 15th! holy shit.

revisiting bright eyes, makes me think of high school.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:14:53 GMT

1. hung out with james and cassie tonight. it was pretty boring, but good to be around them. they're good people.
2. i have the day off tomorrow!
3. brooklyn and i are going to shoot some night photos at golden gardens on thursday. apparently he lives near there? should be interesting.
4. sabzi is beautiful.
5. printed my christmas cards today and they are awesome! again, if anyone wants one (which you should), give me an address and i'll send you one. if you don't want to post your address here, email it to me at meganw@spu.edu. cool.

crow jane quit me and i just can't cope

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 07:02:33 GMT

things have been going pretty well recently, and the abundance of mail has helped. on saturday the ipod/usb cable i bought came (the assholes who broke into our house stole the mine and meghan's cables), so we've been able to utilize scott's computer a little more. also on saturday my dice came in the mail. i had started making a scribbage set for mary (gus's sister) because she had asked for one over the summer, but writing on spray-painted mini dice wasn't working, so I ordered real blank dice online. They are pretty, the set looks pretty, and i even found a real hourglass at a game store on queen anne with the right 3-minute time limit and everything. I plan on mailing it tomorrow. I also need to mail spencer's package tomorrow.
ALSO: i'm going apeshit with christmas cards this year because it's part of my ploy to raise my $200 for the member challenge for VERA. SO, if anyone wants a Christmas card, which, let's be honest, you know you all do, then give me an address and i will send you one. i'm making the image for the front tonight and printing them tomorrow at work. they will be great. give me addresses please!

on a side note: i used to have a crush on this boy who works at recycled cycles and when i would go in we would chat and he was nice and cute, but i was dating gus so i didn't think much of it. recently i'd been thinking about going in to visit, then last night my roommates friend came over and brought the aforementioned boy because he is her boyfriend. damn.

i'm going to ask my parents for glasses for christmas because my vision has gotten a lot worse since i lost my last pair a couple years ago. hopefully they're into it.

money changes everything

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 07:08:50 GMT

things have been getting better. i got my ct scan today so i can finally get my teeth implants, i'm studying for the GRE's, and i've been getting out. last night i went to the u.s.e./kay kay show. i went alone but ended up running into a ton of people i knew, and from all different areas of my life. i ran into sarasue, and jesse who i met when i met gus, and karalee from school, and james keblas (seriously, if he was ten years younger i'd be madly in love with him), meinert, kate becker, mooter, frey and liz. it was pretty great. i feel a little strung out from not getting any sleep for the past week or so, but that's okay. i'm done with the quarter, so from here on out it's just work and the GRE's, and the rest of my application for michigan.
i got chuck's package in the mail and it was simultaneously rad and weird. there was an awesome wisconsin scarf that i plan on wearing all the time, a geode that he bought at some geology museum, some envelopes with my return address on them (and rancid logos), a map of his campus (which is actually about to go on my wall next to the king county bicycle trail map), and a small bag of condoms. i'm not sure what the deal is with the condoms, it's not something i'd expect from chuck, and i'm certainly not going to be using them...so what the fuck.
at any rate, things are good.

my goals for the rest of december: get through the entire GRE manual, take the test, finish my graduate school application, mail that fucker in, set a date for my jaw surgery, make/mail christmas cards, and hang out with ben and adam (yeah that's you meeks!) and justine and spencer.

i would like to point out how awesome my roommates are. kyle and tiff invited some friends over tonight to play "magic: the gathering" and they have been playing for a couple of hours now in our dining room while listening to cindy lauper and drinking hard cider. so great.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 10:32:27 GMT

i finally got jordan's email address, bit the bullet, and emailed him about the craigslist post from the summer. i felt like i was finally in a place where i could deal with whatever he had seen in a healthy way. also, my promise/threat to never talk to gus again would prevent me from making a potentially regrettable phone call. jordan's response was so eloquent and thoughtful and nice in every possible way. he did everything right given the situation and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to convey how much his effort meant to me. but the short of it is that gus cheated on me. he cheated on me after i came back from camp, he cheated on me with lilly (a girl who i despise anyway and who also slept with his brother), and he lied about it when i asked him what jordan could have seen (before we broke up). i'm upset, to be sure, i'm very upset. no matter how "over" we are, he lied in a huge way, and hurt me even more than i initially thought. i guess the problem now is that i don't know what to do. i'm very sure that calling him would be a bad idea, but i want him to know that i know what he did because he still thinks he got away with it. i want him to know how horrible he was/still is. i just want him to know that i know. i also know that this will most likely not help me. it will make me upset to talk to him, and what will i gain from getting mad at him all over again? nothing. i know i should just sleep on it, think about it tomorrow and go from there, but i also know that i am going to have a really hard time getting to sleep tonight.
how can people do this to other people? how do people have the capacity to recklessly hurt others?
i'm really thankful that jordan was sensitive enough to know what he was seeing, know it was wrong, and had the presence of mind to do something about it. i think he says it best:
"i was really and truly upset by what i saw that night. and it's not just because i'd met you before and thought you were nice, and it's not just because of the tawdry, comic sleaziness of how they looked together, but really, because i'm terribly sensitive when it comes to interpersonal cruelties, and i felt quite sure i'd just witnessed a flagrant one."

ugh.

leave me impressed and then put me to sleep.

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 10:33:14 GMT

tonight i had more fun than i've had in a really, really long time. i went to see portugal the man (i don't like the period in the middle of their name because it messes with the structure of any sentence) but didn't have anyone to go with so i just headed up alone. i get there and see mark and danny in line so i jump in with them. they guy at the door wouldn't let me bring my camera in (which is the main reason i went to the show in the first place), so mark and danny walk me back to their car so i can keep my bag there during the show. then we go in and have a rad time at the show, portugal was amazing, and it was good times. portugal is the first band i've seen jam on stage where i haven't been really annoyed that they're not just playing their songs normally. it doesn't hurt that i have a big enormous (repetitive) crush on the bassist. after the show we somehow fit my bike in the back of danny's car, find parking on the hill and go to linda's for a little bit. mark and i are both pretty awkward about being in bars because we don't drink, but it was pretty fun. those two are ridiculous and i had so much fun just running around with them, climbing on random buildings and yelling crazy things. danny gave mark and i rides home and it was fun to spend some time with him one on one after we dropped mark off. danny is someone i've known from a distance since freshman year, but i've never really hung out with him. and mark, well, if he weren't dating kelsey then i'd probably be smitten with the kid. overall they're just nice guys and it was great to get out and have fun. relatively uninhibited fun. good clean fun. i need to do this more often. especially with those guys.

portugal was great, by the way.

what can you do, but go on

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:13:23 GMT

i did it. monday night i met up with him and told him i didn't want to see him or talk to him ever again. it halfway felt great, knowing that i finally stood up for myself. i can really start moving on now, and start taking care of myself. it also halfway felt horrible, knowing that he most likely isn't going to get help on his own, that he won't take care of himself but will continue to do what he's been doing. i can't just turn off my feelings for him, but when my feelings backfire on myself then it's time to re-examine them. but, i made a decision and i need to follow through with it. i called his mother today to tell her what was going on and to see if she was still okay being friends. she said she would still love to keep in touch, and she also said she understood my side and told me it was important to take care of myself first. she said "boys are weird, they're different than girls," and it made me smile. it felt good to know that she understands. i guess she's married to the man who is largely responsible for gus being the way he is, so she definitely gets it. i also got an email from his sister today which was really encouraging. i'm glad i don't have to cut them out of my life too, i really like them and they've been good to me.

i talked to barry last night, and we decided that we're going to fly to vegas, get married so that he can have canadian citizenship too, then we're going to live in cuba for six months. after that we'll come back and get divorced. good plan, right?

tonight is portugal the man, and i'm excited. time for photos and more photos.

only when we get to see the arial view

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 02:54:57 GMT

here's the deal: i can't be friends with gus. after some serious reflection and analysis it's obvious that he is not good for me. in any way. he's still completely unable to deal with this, and so am i. it makes me upset to see him, it makes me upset to talk to him, it makes me upset to not talk to him or see him. he is still copping out of answering questions and avoids telling me anything. it's unhealthy, and i need to move the fuck on. so my plan is as follows: he said he wanted to go to coffee, so we're going to go to coffee. i'm going to tell him i don't want to be friends with him, and that will be that. to be honest i've never wanted to be his friend, i wanted to be his girlfriend and i thought being his "friend" would increase the likelihood of that happening again, which is a horrible hope to carry around when it's completely unrealistic. i guess in a sick way i also wanted him to have a reminder of what he threw away. but the problem with that logic is that he doesn't care. he knows exactly what he threw away and he doesn't care.
so, i'm going to remove him from my life in any way that i can, because i need to do what's best for me. i spent a long time doing what was best for him and it got me nowhere.

p.s. does anyone have jordan(from patience please)'s number? i think i owe him a thank you.

you know we make the same mistakes

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 08:37:10 GMT

tonight we talked for the first time since the verbal bitch-slapping. it was alright. it was oddly normal, which i almost don't like because he still avoids talking about serious things at all costs, but i guess it's better than nothing. i've said my peace, and i made sure that i didn't do a damn thing to get in touch after last time, so he had to call me and make the effort. he did, which kind of surprised me. also, he wants to go to coffee. it's sort of weird, still not knowing what the hell is going on with him, but he seems to be getting his shit together a bit, which is good i guess. ugh. blah blah boys blah blah. he said he'd call tomorrow too.
funny though, the day he dumped me i had mentioned that jimmy john's was hiring. i mentioned it because i thought he might be interested (he'd been needing a second job for a long time), but his response was "you should apply!" i wasn't sure if he really didn't get it or not, but today he told me he applied there and i couldn't help but be annoyed. i asked if he knew i meant that he should apply, not me (i have a job thank you), when i mentioned it NEARLY A MONTH AGO. he said he did know, he just didn't want to admit it. what the fuck? pride? ego? i don't know what it is but it bugs me.

i told my dad tonight that "i just wish he[gus]'d grow a pair," and i thought he was going to drive off the road he laughed so hard.

in other news, i made friends with this guy named brooklyn who works at "butter london" in the mall (gross, i work in a mall!) and he's going to do my nails. hopefully for free if i time it right (ie when his manager is gone). i haven't had my nails done since senior prom. weird.

i am in the harbor tonight and through tomorrow. anyone want to hang out? i'm kidnapping spencer for an hour or so (i'll take what i can get), and gus is calling sometime in the early afternoon (whatever that means), and i have to eat dinner with my parents... but beyond that i'm doing nothing.

i've been talking to barry a lot recently. did i mention that? i might even fly down to key west for my birthday to visit. sun and beaches and an unassuming best friend sounds really nice right about now. hopefully this is still an option come january.

AND LASTLY: i will not be applying for graduate school at UW. i spent a really fucking long time researching their current comm program and it's not what i want. SO... i will be applying to attend the University of Michigan. oh boy. if I find other schools i'm genuinely interested in i'll try to apply to those as well, but right now UofM is looking like my best bet. the deadline is Jan 15. time to take the motherfuckingGRE's. bring it on!

i took the bag downstairs

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 21:04:50 GMT

things have been good, or at least significantly better than before. i am frustrated because i'm not at home much these days (and i'll be around even less the closer it gets to christmas), and i miss just hanging out with my room mates. they transfered me to the westlake kits cameras which is a bummer because i don't get to hang out with anne, james, and kelsey now. i really miss them. the only upside to the switch is that i can get more hours and it takes way less time to get there.
also, i was planning on getting a blackberry through work and getting on a dealer plan because they're a lot cheaper (i'd be paying ten bucks less a month for more features), but i guess the t-mobile rep for westlake says you have to sell 5 phones per week to qualify. the rep over at west seattle said no such thing. bleh.

left straight right straight

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 08:07:08 GMT

tonight i finally got to say everything i've wanted to for the past two and a half weeks. i told him everything, especially the things i knew he wouldn't want to hear, and it was really good. i said it all, verbally bitch-slapping him all over the place and he just took it. i was expecting him to resist, to try and say he did the right thing, but he didn't. he just took it, apologized, and that was it. i think we're okay. hearing him acknowledge how shitty he's been helped a lot. we've got along way to go before friendship will feel normal or okay, but we're alright. i don't hate him.
it just felt so good to get it all out, and now it's done. i feel like i did my job.

and to top it all off i registered five hours later than i was supposed to and i still got into all four classes i wanted. 1)women in christianity 2)rhetoric of dissent (this is going to be awesome!) 3) the public and the media 4) human sexuality

and today i joined the debate team. weird.

tonight was good.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 04:28:55 GMT

church is really good for me.

and all i wanna do is- bang bang bang

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 08:49:45 GMT

gus's mom called me today. she's the sweetest lady, and i'm not entirely sure why she called, but it was good to hear from her. she awkwardly addressed the fact that we're not together anymore (though i'm not sure who told her what because i doubt gus told her anything), and said something to the affect of "maybe he'll come around." i don't see it happening, but it was pretty nice of her anyway. she said she wants to go to coffee, which i would love to do. just because her son is being the world's biggest douchebag doesn't mean i can't enjoy her company.
tonight i actually went out and was social for the first time in...forever. it's been a while. we went to kyle and chris's new place, i finally met the infamous abigail, and we danced. greatest moment i've had in a while was watching a bunch of my friends dance to "paper planes" by m.i.a. with airsoft guns shooting the ceiling when the guns would go off in the song. people are good. i know so many wonderful people and i'm really glad that i have that because it's making this whole shitty process a little bit easier.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 06:15:22 GMT

i got exactly what i needed from chuck. it was definitely not what i wanted to hear, but he's right and i know it. i don't have a snowball's chance in hell. he even managed to throw in a rancid reference so i'd get it, but the difference between me and brody dalle (besides the fact that she sounds like a man and is crustier than...crust) is that i did not make out with josh holme in rolling stone photos and neglect to tell my husband. it's the thought that counts though, and chuck's point was not that brody and i are at all alike, but that she and tim armstrong are never going to get back together. i appreciate what he had to say, and even though it sucked to hear it, i know he's right. i needed to hear it from someone, the truth about mr. augustineibreakgirlsheartsforaliving bresee. most people have said it sounds like he'll change his mind, "he'll come running back sooner or later." and with any other guy that would probably be the case.
chuck said he's seen girls lament over gus to the point where it affected their quality of life and he didn't want to see that happen to me. on one hand i love chuck for caring enough to tell me that, but it feels really shitty to know that i'm not the first, and probably won't be the last. it feels like i'm just another proverbial notch on the bedpost. it sucks to know that people exist in this world who have the ability to hurt you so much with so little regard for your well-being. it sucks to know that these people don't stop at one, they hurt many.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 03:18:27 GMT

i emailed chuck for advice. more out of frustration and desparation than anything else, but also because he knows gus well enough to give accurate advice. there are very few people (honestly maybe two in the world) who know him well enough to understand what he is like, what he is doing, and what he might do. chuck will at least attempt to help me out. i guess i'm just hoping he has some great insight into all of this because of his relationship with gus.
why did i have to pick the most private, shy, and generally unreachable guy? i certainly don't win the genius award for that move.

if i look up and the sky's not there

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:32:52 GMT

i got my bike back today, and returned his sweatshirt that i've been trying to avoid ever since the break-up. it was the most painfully awkward situation, and not in a way that i could laugh at. he managed to notice that i was wearing new shoes, but failed to acknowledge anything else (you know, like, the fact that he broke up with me and has been a giant douche bag since, etc.). i just gave him the sweatshirt, took my bike and walked off. i can't humor him anymore.
i'm just so tired of feeling like i'm in limbo, not knowing how he feels or what is going on. he has done absolutely nothing, and i want him to make a move. i want him to either tell me to fuck off because he never wants to see or talk to me again, or be a real friend, or be a boyfriend. three choices, none of which he seems to be able to do. it makes me so mad that i'm getting less and less patient about it. i know i deserve better than to be jerked around, but that doesn't change the fact that we had something really fucking good, and it makes it harder to stand up for myself.

aosidfnosianfosidfnaodsf.

i don't want to go to class tonight.

ride as fast as you can, we're shooting to kill

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 07:19:05 GMT

it's been a week.
if i'm bad at the break-up game, he's horrible at it. we haven't talked in a while no thanks to him breaking the phone i gave him last spring (he's broken almost every gift i've given him...was that a sign?), but he's made no effort whatsoever. i'm sick of it. i wrote him a letter and mailed it today, hopefully it will get across most of what i tried to communicate to him before.
i'm just not good at the waiting game.

and now i'm back in the harbor again because i have to go to a damn funeral tomorrow. actually, scratch that, it's a "celebration of life." these things weird me out way more than funerals. i know that when i go to a funeral there will be mourning. people grieve the dead, and that's that. i hate these celebration things because you have to sit around and pretend to be happy that the person was good or funny or whatever and forget the fact that they just died. it feels inappropriate and i get really uncomfortable. so, yeah, it's going to be great.
maybe the only upside to this is that i will probably get to see justine. it's been FAR too long, and i can't wait. i need some ween time.

i'm just kind of bummed and can't seem to get out of this funk. i have super productive days, like today, but a lot of the time i just feel kind of lost. it's weird to have such a huge part of my life gone so suddenly, it's like i don't know what to do with myself sometimes. and i honestly don't have the urge to rekindle friendships or make any real effort to be social, i just sort of...exist.
sunday will be nice though because jessica and i are going to work on her garden. i've needed something like this i think.

also, we're going to make a birthday island zine.

also, my schwinn mixte is still at gus's house. fuckin' shit. so frustrating.

she just has a funny way of lovin' me

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 05:42:16 GMT

i think the lesson learned here is that even through all of this shit, even when i have felt the most alone, people have really been good to me. everyone i have come into contact with has been so wonderful and it's helping me to realize that the lesson is not "don't trust anyone."
we're going to buy a house computer. we're going to buy one for us to share at first, and then as we slowly make enough money, we'll buy another, and keep going until we have four. it's the best idea we can come up with, and seems to be the most realistic. i may have found kyle's computer on ebay, but the guy won't give me the serial number so we have no way of really knowing, and there's not much we can do about it.

as for the boy, i still don't know. we've talked, but not well, and i think i'm just going to have to wait this one out. i know what i want, but it's entirely up to him...and that's terrifying.
the strange part is that everyone i've sought advice from about this has had a similar incident (and by everyone i mean kyle and tiff as well as james and cassie), and they've all worked out. i don't want some false sense of hope based on other people's relationships though, so i'm taking their stories into account and taking them with a grain of salt. that grain of salt being his stubbornness and emotional disconnect.

this is the shit hitting the fan.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 02:33:04 GMT

this week has honestly been the shittest week i have had in a very, very long time. maybe ever.
first of all, on tuesday someone broke into my house and stole everyone's computers. they took two macbooks, a macbook pro, and an ibook, along with tiff and kyle's two nintendo ds's. we're all really fucking broke, and cannot pay to replace our shit. it's a huge bummer for each of us in different ways. tiffany has had her computer for years, but didn't have too much crucial stuff on it, kyle lost his entire tape label, all of he and tiff's recordings, as well as a lot of artwork and dreamcast games. i hadn't even had my computer for two months yet, so i didn't lose that much but i'm going to be paying the damn thing off while i don't even have it anymore. meghan lost a lot of philosophy papers and school work. it's such a letdown. we're all pretty trusting people who give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you learn that not everyone gives a shit about how their actions affect others.
then, to top it all off, gus broke up with me yesterday. this is something i'm so confused and upset about i'm finding it really hard to function on any level. there is so much i don't understand. things had been going really really well, especially recently, and this came out of nowhere. it's complicated (fuck, how cliche does that sound), and i have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next. he's calling after work tonight, and i guess i'm just hoping that i can slowly figure out what the hell is going on.
i think the hardest part about this is how connected our lives were. everything reminds me of him. i was trying to distract myself yesterday so i started fixing my bike tire, and immediately remembered when i first learned how to fix a flat because it was the first time he and i went to bike shack together. then i decided i'd look through the GRE study books i have, and couldn't even bring myself to pick them up because he fucking gave me all those books. it's so strange to feel like you could spend the rest of your life with someone and suddenly realize they (apparently) don't feel the same way. i don't know what to do, or where to go with this, i'm just hoping i at least get some answers. i guess i'll see what happens tonight.

fuck me. if i were a drinker, i'd have spent this last week wasted out of my mind. instead i've actually had to deal with it, but i'm not sure that's going so well. i just don't know what to do.

i will say that my family (and by family i mean tiff kyle and meghan) has been so fucking wonderful through all of this. we can all commiserate about the shitty-ness of losing our computers, but they've been so great with the whole gus thing. i'm really fucking lucky to have them.

some cousins of my dad's (i'm still not sure i get how they're related) are in town, so i'm back in the harbor tonight. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be around people i don't want to talk to. i just want to be home with everyone.

well, hell, if there's anything to bring you to your knees in a heartbeat, it's this. even praying doesn't feel right. i just want this all to go away.

amen

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 15:50:18 GMT

yesterday was the first day that gus and i have gotten to spend together in nearly a month, but it felt so good to just be together again. our schedules finally permitted.
i brought him to church yesterday morning, which was interesting. luckily he's polite enough not to do anything rude, but i think it was all my poor staunch little catholic boy could do to keep himself from calling us all heretics and running out the door. he refrained, however, and it was nice to have him there. we didn't talk about it much afterwards because i didn't want to get into something that would make the rest of the day awkward, but i think his biggest hang-up is the lack of sacraments. or something. he felt like the whole service led up to nothing because there is no existentialism. that's fair. i have a million responses to his frustrations with protestantism, but i take it easy because i know it's aways been the biggest part of his family life and i don't want to say something i'll regret. it's easier to talk about it lazily when we're not doing anything than it is to have a very pointed conversation that's been started intentionally.

i'm not ready for today to be monday. we have our first board of student media meeting tomorrow at 8am. aosudhfaosdifhaosidfh. sometimes being in charge of people is a huge pain in the ass. BUT, hopefully it goes well tomorrow, and that's that.

busy busy beeeeee

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 05:00:23 GMT

This house is the first place I have lived since moving out of my parents house that I have honestly felt "at home" in. I feel like I have been thrown into the most loving, hilarious, and wonderful family of people. The physical structure of the house is great too, don't get me wrong, but I love being excited to come home, and being excited to sit down and just talk to my house mates to see how their days are going. Tiffany definitely has the best stories because she's a special ed teacher in Bellevue for kids with extreme behavioral problems.
Home is fucking wonderful.

I've realized what exactly it is about Gus's friends that I can't stand anymore. None of them ever do anything. They are all college educated except fraser, they all have decent jobs, they are all intelligent and well-intentioned people. But none of them ever do a goddamned thing besides sit around and drink and have pretentious conversations full of inside jokes and jokes that shout to their closed minds. They never do anything drastic, they never push themselves, they never step an inch outside of their comfort zones. They barely even have hobbies beyond drinking/smoking. I love that my home is constantly filled with projects. Music, sewing, knitting, stencils, whatever- there is always something being created. His friends are pathetic, and I'm sick of pretending to think it's funny or fun to be around. How do you tactfully tell someone you think their friends are totally lame?

School is pretty hectic and busy already, but that was to be expected. The board of student media gig is turning out to be a huge pain in the ass so far. It really makes me mad when people think that the little PhD after their name entitles them to special treatment. After finally tracking Dr. Himma down, he called me asking what the board was (why would you sign up for it if you didn't know what you were doing!?), and proceded to tell me that he wasn't sure he could commit to three meetings per quarter because he has deadlines deadlines deadlines. That's great, I'm impressed and all, but when you call me and say that you have ONE hour per week available for these meetings, I'm not inclined to want to cater to your needs. However special they may be.
At any rate, school will be fine, and I may still be able to finish a quarter early by taking spring quarter at community college. It pisses me off that they won't wave 5 credits when I've finished the major, I've finished all the required classes and then some, so it wouldn't matter at all what I took. UGHSODIFHOSDIFHSD.
Anyway. Mentoring the USEM kids has been fun so far, they're a really good class, and Biology is turning out to be kind of fun as well. Who knew.

I need to get back into going to church, I don't like what I've become recently and I feel disjointed. Plug in.
I also need to register to take the GRE's. shitty mcshit shit. I have no idea how I am going to pull off applying for grad school in time (ironically the things that usually take the most time like letters of recommendation, etc. are going to be the easiest for me), but I will make this work. I don't want to take a year off, I want to get into a program, so I will. UW is looking like my best option, which is kind of nice. I'd like to stay in Seattle.

blah blah blah.

i thought i told you

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 17:14:09 GMT

well, freshman orientation is over.
i spent four days doing nothing but school spirited events which is honestly more than i've done in the past three years combined. the good news is that my group was really cool, and it's looking like the usem class that i'm mentoring (the same kids) is going to be really fun.
today is ryan herzog's wedding reception, which means a trip back to the harbor. it'll be weird to see andy again, but probably good, seeing as it's been at least a couple of years.
school starts tomorrow. september fucking flew by, but it's going to be a fun year i think.

the house is amazing. we're already such a close-knit family and it's wonderful to be around such creative and funny people all the time. kyle got a job at rain city video so now we get free rentals with no late fees, and i feel confident in saying that birthday island is a huge success.