shameless

So I am just going to write a little here, mostly for my own benefit, but read along if you so wish.

I have written sporadically in this journal about some of my past life memories, but most I have kept to myself because of there nature.  My story would make just that, a good story, but the normal person would think I am insane if I broadcast the truth of my journey.  I am not one to limit myself because of what others think, but I also have to be realistic in a way.  If I really want to help people, teach them, lead them, and such, then I have to present myself in a way that would be acceptable to them for that role.  That is not saying I have to "fake" my being or play a particular role, but it does mean that I limit the information I give out.  It is a matter of awareness.  The majority of society is very egocentric so I can't come off too extreme or they won't be able to relate to me.  It just is what it is(for now).

I digress...

There is one part of my past lives that I wish sometimes I could just shout at the top of my lungs, but that can't be at this time.  The reason I want to shout it like that is...well I can't really dive into it without revealing it...but lets just say there is a lot of frustration to it.  Justified frustration, but still frustration which implies non-acceptance so I must stay centered in the ultimate purpose of things which allows the acceptance to flow much easier. 

Acceptance!  That is such a simple concept, but so huge at the same time.  If we could all just accept ourselves for who we truly are then there wouldn't be a place for ego to flourish in.  I have been aware of some of my past lives for a long time now, some since my earliest days I can remember.  So for me to accept my Self for who I truly am is to also accept these past lives for they have forged whom I am today just like yesterday helped forged today.  That has been my biggest hangup as I will explain.

I have constantly been frustrated over the years because no one ever sees me.  No one ever sees who I truly am.  That has made me feel so lonely at times, so misunderstood, along with sometimes feeling resentful, angry, and mostly hurt.  Over the years I have come to understand how we create our lives, our realities, down to the most subtlest details.  I have realized that it is my responsibility for people not seeing me.  It is my responsibility because I don't let people see me.  I would show a glimpse of myself here and there and think that should be enough.  Even over these last few years that I have been opening myself up to Spirit I still haven't totally let my Self come out to be seen by others, to be shared with others.  I have let it out way more then in the past, but clearly now, at this time, it is my biggest challenge or issue.

One might ask why is that?  I asked myself that question many times, but I have never been as honest with myself as I am now.  The answer for me goes back to my childhood.  I have never had anyone really give me kudos or say good job.  I have never had anyone take a real interest in me.  I played sports as most young males did and I learned every game I played inside and out.  I practiced in all of my free time.  I always ended up being one of the best at all of those sports, if not the best.  I did that because that is part of my nature, but also deeper behind the scenes I wanted some attention, some recognition.  I wanted someone to just tell me that they were proud of me and mean it.  Sure I have had coaches, my parents, and others say compliments to me, but they were hollow.  Those who share the Pisces Moon with me know the depth at which we feel things.  Shallow compliments hurt more then help sometimes.  In martial arts I got my black belt in one year which was unheard of unless you paid for it instead of truly earning it.  Very few accomplish that task and those that do normally are recognized and follow that path wherever it takes them.    

It was when I was in high school and was playing football and doing martial arts that things changed for me in regards to sports.  I hurt my knee bad trying to show off in a new martial arts school I had just joined.  I tore some ligaments and couldn't do anything for a while.  It was during that time that I lost my passion for it.  My prior martial arts school was good and I developed a relationship with my teacher.  He mentored me and taught me in a way that no one else ever did.  Sometimes I would stay after training was over and he would order pizza for us and one or two of the other black belts who sometimes stayed and we would talk.  Politics, history, martial arts, all kinds of stuff.  However he was gay and when my parents found out they instantly overreacted and believed he was trying to take advantage of me.  They thought he wanted to "convert" me and was messing with my head.  That night is still fresh in my memory as it was probably the last time I cried my eyes out.  I was hurt deeply but no one really cared.  To my parents they thought they did what they needed to do and believed I would get over it.  

I can go on and on with stories of different times of my younger life, but the point is I have never had that person in my life to take me under their wing or even to just say "good job" and mean it.  I never experienced anyone believing in me.  Those that did never expressed it so to me they didn't.  As my ego solidified it became my source of comfort.  My ego believed in me and would use all the knowledge of my Spirit to express it.  My ego stopped me from crying, my ego comforted me, my ego understood me when others didn't, it was my ego that showed me the most love.  My ego also was using me and giving me those things to slowly gain more control over me so to give itself an existence, but back then I was a naive innocent young human who didn't understand all of what I felt and experienced.

So to sum things up I haven't experienced a lot of genuine compliments and I especially haven't experienced anyone believing in me.  Even now with my friends who walk this path with me, we are quick to talk to each other about our egos, but we hardly just tell each other that we believe in one another.  I have said it a few times and one friend said it to me within this past year, but he said it because he felt that I needed to hear it, not because he really did believe in me.  That hurt me, but also helped me in the long run.

So this leads me to more present day affairs.  I have mentioned in this blog at times about finding that "one".  That female who I could have a relationship with and who would know me for who I truly am.  Not only know me, but believe in me.  I have known for a long time that if I just had that one person who truly really saw me and believed in me that it would make the biggest difference in my life then I can really put into words.  I have been waiting for this patiently and sometimes not so patiently.    NO MAS!

In my experience of the past life regression hypnosis that I had done yesterday I was reaffirmed on my knowledge of my past lives which was huge by itself, but a particular message repeated itself throughout.  See before I left one life to explore the next the lady who was running the show would ask that person if they have any message to give to me that would help me now.  The strongest vibe was to believe in myself.  That I had to believe.     

I have always believed in myself, but what my past life individualities were communicating was a deeper level of belief.  It is that belief that transmutes beyond belief to just pure knowing and then to ISness.  For those of you who are familiar with the movie The Matrix remember when Neo first learns that he is "the one" and he goes through his training.  In the one sequence he is sparring Morpheus and he is told to stop holding back.  Then he goes to see the Oracle and she tells him that he is not "the one".  That he is close, but it isn't him.  Then she says that Morpheus believes in him so much that he would die for him(Neo) and that he(Neo) would have to make a choice to live or sacrifice himself to save Morpheus.  Of course Neo really didn't believe any of it but when it all played out and Morpheus sacrificed himself as prisoner to save Neo...Neo then knew he had to save Morpheus.  Neo believed he could do it, believed he could save him.  It was that step in belief in himself that allowed him to do what was considered impossible and see within himself that he was truly "the one".  I have always had an identification within myself with this storyline within the storyline.  I have always wondered within and asked myself "what am I waiting for?" 

My last past life was in the state of ascension.  I devolved myself to become Steve for a distinct purpose.  It is the communication with myself in that state which surprisingly to me was the most powerful.  There is another past life that I have only shared with 4 other people in this life time.  That was the one that I thought I would get the most from, but I was indeed wrong about that.  My ascended self basically said to me..."look!  I am you.  Feel me!  Feel yourself!  You know everything you need to know.  You have been aware of who you truly are for some time.  Cut away your fears and just be you, be me, as we are one.  It is not impossible, nothing is impossible.  Just believe.  You have to BELIEVE!" 

As I was driving home tonight from work this was on my mind.  I realized, beyond the prior knowing, that who I am is not dependent on others belief in me.  It is only dependent on my own belief.  I realized the purpose of my "lack" of external reinforcement throughout my life was so I could be aware of a deeper level of belief within myself.  Basically I didn't experience it much because I didn't need it.  I realized that the strength and voice of my ego was just a distorted voice of my Spirit.  I am that Spirit.  Steve does not have a Spirit....Steve is an expression of that Spirit...thus Steve is that Spirit. 

No more will I reference Spirit as third person because of a fear of arrogance being perceived by others.  No more will I downplay myself so I can fit into perceived social structures.  I am who I AM.  I can't lead people to where I am if I don't exist as who I am. 

That doesn't mean I have zapped into a new level of belief within myself so I can just walk around in an enlightened glow now.  As much as I may wish that was the case it isn't.  I have to take one step at a time.  The first for me is to believe in myself in the small actions I can take now that I let laziness stop me from.  It is knowledge and experience together that creates a true understanding.  My belief will grow to new levels the more I put myself in a position to see myself in action...aka the experience.      

The first major thing I have to do is come to understand how I feel more.  In that I mean how my energies feel.  I feel so much that I lose myself in those feelings.  I accept things that I feel for my own feelings of Self and thus I fluctuate in levels of consciousness when I am around other influences.  In getting my butt back to Tucson I will be able to just exist in my own energies for the majority of my time.  I will have work and one friend their.  Here I have a number of friends, family, and all kinds of other things pulling on me.  I know once I just understand how my energies feel to a greater depth then I do now that I will then be able to maintain high levels of consciousness around other influences because I will be able to tell what is me and what is not me.  Then I can experience what is not me for what it truly is and thus respond accordingly. 

There are depths of myself that yearns to come out.  That patiently waits with boundless passion to be shared with this earth and all that exist with it.  That deep passion, that deep love, that deepest parts of my soul....that is who I truly am.  It is that which I have kept hidden from everyone.  It is that which I have been afraid to share.  It is that which I am destined to share and which is destined for us all to share with each other.

I will walk this walk.  This walk isn't about just being disciplined, about being compassionate, loving, mindful, aware, conscious, or eating certain foods.  Those things just point to it.  We hear stories of miracles.  We use our imaginations to create stories of things we believe to be impossible.  I tell you now, and myself, that nothing is impossible.  That every moment is a miracle...not just itself, but the potentiality of each moment.  There is nothing you can conceive of that you can't experience.  Our beliefs limit us so much more then we truly realize.  

People look at you as if you were crazy if you asked them if they believed they could have superpowers.  People don't even believe we can feed the population of this world not alone the fact that we don't need to eat!  People don't believe we can get good universal health care not alone the fact that we hold total control of our health in every single moment.  People don't believe that we can have a united one world government of utopian design when we barely have united states not alone the fact that we are already all united as one in perfect harmony if we just looked within first.  People in this world believe they have to survive when it is impossible for them to ever die. 

Within me lays that burning bush, that immortal fire.  Within me lays the ability to inspire, to empower, to heal, and to awaken others.  It is my destiny to lead a revolution like none other in the history of this planet.  A revolution of not war, guns, fighting, challenging, control, etc.  But a revolution of amazement, a revolution of miracles, a revolution of not what is just in the depth of my soul but in the deepest depths of all of our souls.  

A great storm is coming and the fearful will be afraid while others rejoice.  The sound of the roaring thunder will have some cry while others parade.  The sight of the lightening will have some run while others dance.  No matter where people hide, the gusting winds will unearth them and when the rain falls on everyone, both the fearful and the joyous will not just know but also experience the Truth of God.  It is after this that life truly begins.    
   
I am going to Tucson as soon as I can.  There I will study my Self until it is time.  Then I will come back to Baltimore and out into this world.  I may blog during this time or I may not.  I may become more active or I may disappear.  That I can not say.  But I promise the light that is me will come out and shine for all to see.  I am still chained down within, but I also have the key to unlock those chains.  I will unlock my Self for good.  The Light will not flicker in the darkness for much longer.  For thousands of years humanity has been in darkness with our seemingly greatest sources of light coming from our distant past.  It may get darker before it gets brighter, but it will get brighter.  Not just brighter, but totally illuminated.  For WE ARE what I AM.

 

Women frolicking in the rain, wearing what appear to be sexi underpants and sport bras...
Observed by a stadium full of what appear to be giant candy-necklaces.

Ah yes... the modern games of the Olympiad.
The fun never stops.

moar funny pictures

New from FOX TV!

It's an insider thing... but I liked the quickie photo edit here...

By Trevor Stanley

The phenomenon of Islamic terrorism cannot be adequately explained as the export of Saudi Wahhabism, as many commentators claim. In fact, the ideological heritage of groups such as al-Qaeda is Salafism, a movement that began in Egypt and was imported into Saudi society during the reign of King Faisal.

The official ‘Wahhabi’ religion of Saudi Arabia has essentially merged with certain segments of Salafism. There is now intense competition between groups and individual scholars over the 'true' Salafism, with the scholars who support the Saudi regime attacking groups such as al-Qaeda as ‘Qutbists’ (following Sayyid Qutb) or takfiris (excommunicators).

The easy explanation for differences within the Salafi movement is that some aim to change society through da’wa (preaching/evangelizing) whereas others want to change it through violence. But as the Saudi example shows, all strains of Salafism, even the most revolutionary and violent, make a place for social services such as education in their strategies for the transformation of society.

( Read more )

For all those times I have heard our fearless leader and the other talking heads say "They hate us for our freedoms"

No you fucktards... It's not that one dimensional!

Rotting At The Core

Forget Ukrainian hackers. A bigger threat to your company's data security may be sitting in one of its cubicles.

In the first half of 2008, the fraction of data breach incidents caused by employees stealing information more than doubled compared to last year, according to a report released Monday by the Identity Theft Resource Center.

Insider theft accounted for 15.8% of all data breaches so far this year, compared with just 6% of breaches last year. Data breaches caused by outside hackers, by comparison, fell from 14.1% last year to 11.7% in the first six months of this year. The largest percentage of breaches, around 23%, remain unexplained, according to ITRC founder Linda Foley.

Increased focus on cyber security may, perversely enough, have contributed to the higher proportion of insider leaks at companies. In a report released earlier in June, Gartner Research tracked $10.4 billion in security software spending last year, about 20% more than a year earlier.

As breaking in from the outside gets tougher, hackers may rely more on insiders, says ITRC's Foley. "It's the path of least resistance," she says. "As in retail, it's much easier for a cashier to steal money out of the till than for a robber to come in with a mask and a gun."

In one case in April, several former employees of mortgage broker LendingTree were accused of using company passwords to access and sell data from as many 56,000 customers to home loan lenders. In another breach reported in February, a former employee of Tenet Healthcare (nyse: THC - news - people ) convicted of identity theft was found to have access to 37,000 patients' records.

Overall, 2008 is on course to become a record year for corporate data breaches, by the ITRC's numbers. The group tracked 342 data breaches in the last six months, 69% more breaches than occurred during the same period last year. While that number may be interpreted as evidence of a growing cyber crime epidemic, it may be partly due to new laws in states including Oregon, Wyoming, Massachusetts and Georgia that require companies to disclose incidents in which consumer data is lost or missing, says the ITRC's Foley.

Breaches by third party contractors were another increasingly serious problem for information security, leading to 13.5% of breaches compared to 11.4% last year. Lost or stolen laptops, hard drives and USB sticks accounted for another big chunk of breach incidents. Though the ITRC reported that the total fraction of these "data on the move" incidents was down to 7.6 percentage points from last year, they still made up 20.2% of all breaches.

In another report released Monday, The Ponemon Institute offered a different measure for that problem of lost hardware: By the study's count, business travelers lose more than 12,000 laptops in airports every week.

My new photo is a tribute to the produce section at Kamil's on Corunna Rd. Mmmm the apple its juicy and delicious.


Its also kind of my tribute to the late great Andrew Wood, but I'm not nearly cool enough to pull it off. Sad, really.

:)
Sunshine...
some wind...
and a grateful haze over everything I see.

planning
~ wave to suz as she drives away to Montreal with her mom for the day...
~ consider the manticotti (sp?) I'm making for us all to have for dinner...
~ to bless the weather gods for another beautiful day - as is my desire for the boys at camp...
~ work work work... and getting ready for the big show tomorrow (meeting with clients)
wishing
~ to smile at gillian16... and make several quiet little wishes...
~ that good news in the land of debby ... just keeps on showing up.
~ that my little sugar-tea (teasdale) has all the energy she needs for tomorrows pick-up. :)
~ and lastly... that my far away friend, allyn, gets his A game back... heal well oh distant disturbia boy...

//
I think it's kind of pathetic the way people STILL have huge hang ups about the word "FUCK".
Kids DO NOT STAND A CHANCE... It's everywhere and (personally speaking) rightly so.
Popular media makes a game out of almost saying fuck ... constantly.
The most recent example is some local bar in Ottawa that has a "WTF" night... a "Double-You-Tee-Eff" night.
To which I can only say... wtf?
People have freak attacks over little kids saying "fuck" and - believe me... I know - the business world is crazy with intolerance with it coming out of a mouth that has a tie around it's neck..
I for one... am a fucking crusader.
I have worked "Fuck" into speeches made to full auditoriums,
and my boss never stops panicking over the likelihood that I'm going bring up the FUCK when I'm talking to his peers.
If I could, I'd wear a lovely little gold FUCK on the lapel of my blazer.
It's a perfectly fine word and filled with emotion, meaning - direct and innuendo, and it's truly a great way to expunge the demons of frustration.
And no matter how you slice it... it's wwwway better than cunt!
:)

/
Kids computer area in the playroom...
Was a total mess. :)
So I bought about 30 worth of wood... made a box and a counter top.
Put it all together, and did a little caulking/paint job to make it nice and "built in" looking...
Presto. :D

Was...


Is...


More pics... under the cut. :)
( building the new desk... )

In my salad for lunch every day I get fat free turkey, carrots, cucumber, mushrooms and snow peas with a fat free lemon herb dressing. What do you put in your salad?

The previous post had an alternative photo... I just had to post it as I chose the other...

THE FOLLOWING IS PART OF THE NEWS RELEASE GIVEN TO FOX NEWS

Good afternoon. I am Steve Kulls Executive Director of Squatchdetective.com
and Host of Squatchdetective Radio. I am here with Bob Schmalzbach, Vice
President of Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. I had been invited to be a witness
of the thawing of the alleged Bigfoot Body by the Searching for Bigfoot
team. As an independent researcher, it has been Squatchdetective.com's goal
to obtain proof positive in all cases when either trying to substantiate a
claim or debunk it, so as there is no question to the matter's certainty.
Having worked in the past, with Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., I understand
that it has always been their corporate goal, "to tell it like they see it,
as it happens, and when it happens". In my organization's limited
involvement with Searching For Bigfoot, Inc. it is and has been the goal of
both organizations to obtain the truth in this and all matters.

( Read more )

So, no big news there really... HOAX! Now, just how much was Biscardi in on this I wonder? Where did he get the funds for the boys? My bet, they are sipping margarita's in Mexico while watching a donkey show...

So much for Sasquatch...

1) Finish wedding thank you notes

2) Work on packing up the house

3) Exchange duplicate wedding gifts

4) Use wedding gift cards

5) Change my name

6) Contact Louisiana Social Work Board about my licensure

7) Plan trip to NYC to visit Karoliina

8) Exercise

9) Cook more

10) See friends before moving away

Somebody please motivate me to start applying for jobs in Louisiana. Thanks!

Well today dawned bright and beautiful... regardless of the weather - which is fine, mind you... just besides the point. :D
Corto is in his happy place. :)

We went out to a nice dinner last night... again with the Italian thing... and then dropped off my car *BOOM* (as I typed that, I realized I hadn't arranged to pick it up tonight!!! Phew... all done. (Suz is off to Montreal tomorrow, so I have to get it tonight. :D)

planning
~ work work work... long day...
~ smile several times...
~ finish the "dap" lines on the new "built in desk" thing I'm making for the kids and still have not finished - hence the lack of photographic evidence. :D When it's done... I'll show you. D:
wishing
~ that my friends in Faye's path... stay safe.

//
Adding to the GYFC!!!!
! Azzzzbum


and MzKrazy


~ YOU have sooooo got to get in this... :D

/
We got new "drapes"... after being here for two years. :)
Hunter Thomson Douglas!! :D "Piroettes" (sp??)





~ k... gotta jet. Going to my folks for dinner. :)

So last week was pretty intense and it seems to be moving forward with momentum this week. The energies around last weeks full moon were intense to me...it started a few days before...and has not let up since. It is a time of inner turmoil and great growth.

I have talked about it for a couple years now, but yesterday...out of the blue...I decided to google for local 'past life regression hypnosis' specialists. I found two places and emailed them both. One responded that they don't offer that and the other responded back saying they did along with answers to questions I had asked. After reading the response I immediately called and scheduled an appointment for today. Just like that, with no thought to it. Afterwards I was just startled that I did that, but I decided to go along with it.

So today I went to the appointment and it was very powerful. Everything I always knew was reaffirmed to me and I experienced it all. Afterwards as I was driving home I felt extreme energy releases come racing up my spine and busting through my neck and head. Also racing out of my hands, especially my left hand. Right now as I am typing this it is still happening.

I have to go to work now and close, this may get challenging. This whole hypnosis thing has really got my kundalini arroused...

Cake or pie, and why?

'Jokers' Arrested on Terrorism Charges
posted 11:14 pm Thu August 14, 2008 - Pearisburg, VA

It was supposed to be a joke. Two 18-year-olds, inspired by the latest Batman movie, wrote threats on playing cards and spread them around the New River Valley. For many the response was fear. Now, Justin Dirico and Bryan Stafford are in jail, facing very serious charges. One of the cards read "Death on 8-15-08." Causing many to worry about an attack Friday. The teens are now charged with conspiring to commit terrorism, a felony with a maximum punishment of 20 years behind bars.

The Joker, Batman's nemesis, uses playing cards to mark his crimes. Just a movie, right? Well, to people in Pearisburg, it felt all too real this week. Lauren Gibson, Pearisburg Resident - "Living so close to Blacksburg, we've been through some pretty scary situations with the Morva thing and the Tech shootings. And I think people are on high alert. They really take things seriously." J.C. Martin, Pearisburg Police Chief - "You just can't take remarks like that lightly and play on other people's emotions and fears." Chief Martin says most of the cards were left at the Pearisburg Wal-Mart. Martin - Aisles, restrooms, just anywhere people just happened to look down and see them." Many of the cards referenced 8-15-08.

A random date, according to the teens. But still, some people are feeling uneasy as that date draws near. Gibson - "I definitely wont be going to Wal-Mart tomorrow!" Martin - "I don't anticipate any problems. But we're going to be there just to make the public, the management, and employees of Wal-Mart feel secure." Still, others feel this whole thing is being blown way out of proportion. Markus Smith, Narrows Resident.

"I'm getting ready to go up to Wal-Mart right now. If I go tomorrow, I ain't worried about it." Smith - "I'm not going to warn my mom or nobody else. If I need to go there, I’ll go there. I ain't worried about no kids leaving cards in Wal-Mart." Chief Martin says neither teen has any criminal history or problems with the school system. And they're surprised by how much trouble a simple deck of playing cards has gotten them.

Ok, fucktards yes, overzealous about a film, but terrorists? WTF! Hmmm can anyone think of anything like this? Sure! How about those lightbrites for the Hunger Teen movie? At least with that incident, there were "devices" that could be misconstrued, but Joker cards with just a date? Come on now! Just spank them with community service and let them learn the error of their erzats ad campaign!

Security theater indeed...