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[20 Jul 2008|09:57pm] |
i havent signed into live journal since my last post. i dont even know where to start in updating a journal that i have ignored for months while so much has gone on.
i think i will try within the next few days. there really is a lot to write about. some good, some bad. more bad than id like, but im trying to focus on the good things.
its hard - some days are harder than others - but every morning i have to make the decision to try to live. it doesnt seem like much, but its hard to do when your heart hurts so much and so much is happening all at once. i think i am doing okay at it. like i said, not every day is the best but some days i have managed to smile and laugh and i never thought i would be able to.
i can feel my mother around me constantly but its not the same. its amazing how badly i want to just give her a hug or hear her laugh. i think she knows that i am trying and i think shes helping me somehow. because i dont know how i have been able to get through this.
i hate to be vague. i am sorry. i will update again this week, if for no other reason than to have it to look back on later in life - because big things have happened (not only my mom's death but other major things) that have turned my world upside down.
i am trying so hard. i am trying set short term goals for myself so i dont get overwhelmed. im sick of putting on a front of how well i am doing. its hard. not around my family, but in public like when i see my moms old friends. its hard. and its hard when they constantly tell me i speak/act like her and look like her and blah blah. because i have to smile and inside i just want to go cry in quiet.
i thank god a million times every day that i have the family and friends i do. i honestly think i would be dead if they hadnt been here to support me through this.
anyway, i havent read my friends list yet since i just logged in for the first time in ages but i hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo
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[19 May 2008|07:09pm] |
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i have now gone through the worst, most life changing event that i could ever imagine.
dont expect me to come out of this the same. i am different now. hopefully this will be that catalyst i needed to fully commit to bettering myself and finally being true to who i really am and not who everyone else expects me to be. because everything is so much clearer to me now. sounds cliche, i would have agreed before this - but if you ever go through what i did (god forbid), you will then understand that EVERYTHING changes. EVERY. THING.
the truth: nothing will ever be as it was.
all i can do is try to make that into a more positive than negative statement.
i have so much to write about. i will update later tonight.
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[12 May 2008|04:55pm] |
i want to write an update but im so overwhelmed and exhausted right now. the viewing/roary is tomorrow night and then the funeral/meal/grave site procession/ etc is wednesday. i cant wait until thursday. i havent had a moments peace since this happened. dont get me wrong, i have loved having people come over and call and write and stuff but i will be happy to have some time alone come thursday. hell, even wednesday night.
thanks so much everyone. for everything. i mean it.
xoxo
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| RIP |
[11 May 2008|12:43am] |
RIP mom!
i cant write about it right now. sorry.
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| update from the hospital |
[08 May 2008|12:16pm] |
i got to the hospital this morning and my mom wasn't in her room. i assumed they had taken her for her tapping (draining fluid from her abdomen). with uterine cance, the cancer cells create excess fluid in the abdomen that builds up and causes extreme discomfort. this causes her to feel full so she can't eat/drink. usually its not a problem because they just drain it. the reason we have had to wait in the hospital is because her blood clotting time was too high so they had to wait until it was regulated.
so im sitting there eating my honey nut cheerios and they roll her back in. ALMOST 3 LITERS was drained off her. she was drowsy but talking. a lot of pain from the procedure. they've given her a lot of pain meds and now we are waiting for them to kick in so she can sleep for a while. im so excited they were able to do it today. she was so miserable and now she will feel a million times better. she always does after a drain.
her internalist came in and said she's okay to go home this afternoon but she told him she doesn't feel like she is ready. i agree. although i would love for my mom to come home, i want to make damn sure its all stable before we go home and have to come right back again a day or two after.
hospice care is going to go home with us when we do go home. i hope they don't linger around the house a lot. its weird to have strangers linger like that. the one social worker i met today was super pushy and annoying. but she's with the hospital and not the hospice im pretty sure so whatever.
i don't know if i've ever post this before but - i LOVE my moms treatment team. and the nurses at this hospital. even when they're not on rounds or assigned to her or whatever they come in to talk to her and stuff. and they call us at home to check on her all the time (not like from work - but as friends would) and its just go great to feel as if these people really care about her. im glad she didn't go to md anderson when you can feel like "just a number".
anyway, i am going to go do another crossword puzzle and try not to trip on any cords or press any buttons. don't laugh, my sister pressed a wrong button last night. ha.
and thanks everyone again for everything. you're all amazing. <3
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[06 May 2008|10:11pm] |
as it turns out, i was correct in my preditions (regarding last night's post). something bad did happen.
this morning my dad called to wake me up. he said mom was at the hospital but she had an appointment today so it did not alarm me. i went to austin to meet with isaac so he could help me submit the video he helped me edit. on the way back to san marcos i get a ticket. then whitney texts me and says she got hit by a car while riding her bike. i pack up and leave for houston. then the big one - my sister calls and tells me that my mom is in the hospital and that tomorrow morning the people from hospice care are coming to meet with my mom/us at the hospital.
i am just like... a zombie? i dont even know how to react to this. obviously, there was crying. when i got to houston tonight at 8:45 i went straight to the hospital. she woke up and talked for a few minutes but she wanted to go to bed and was only waiting for me before bed. my dad and i stayed a few minutes then came home. the room she is in right now is not like the ones before where i could spend the night with her.
when i got home, my dad told me that last night my mom had said she is sick of appointments and doctors and blah blah blah and since her body is too weak to receive treatment anymore, theyre focusing on "quality" of life instead of making her sicker with medications and such. i know this is the "better" thing but its so hard to hear. when i went in the kitchen my grandmother was standing there and just started crying and saying "youre going to lose your best friend. she's my baby." and stuff. I CANT HANDLE THIS.
apparently the doctor told my dad that she is not saying that my mom is dying right now or anything but that hospice should be involved and even if she doesnt need to go into one, they have nurses that come to the home and do daily check ups and give meds and stuff and also offer counseling and other programs. apparently she also said this could go on for three months. you never know. its not like anything drastic has changed. well what the hell does that mean exactly, i am wondering. i mean, are you telling me that the best case senario is my mom makes it through the next 3 months?
i cannot handle this shit. im sorry. its too fucked up. just the WORD hospice sends chills down my spine. it makes me think about when my aunt was in one before she died and she couldnt talk or walk and was basically a breathing corpse.
i always told my mom i would support her if there ever came a time where she just decided not to continue with treatment, and i will, but its still so hard. i dont think she would do treatment even if she could right now. i think since she got out of the hospital this winter, she has slowly felt more of the effects of the treatment and the cancer and her life is just not the same anymore. my mom was always so active, so social, hated to sit still and now she barely leaves the house. i just want her to be happy. and if whatever they decide to do is going to make her happy and comfortable, i will agree with it. my mom and dad have always talked about their wishes with one another and even when i was younger, my mom and i were open about it. she has always (iby always i mean i was in jr. high and she told me this so - 10 years before diagnosis) said she wants to have a DNR signed and she always wanted to donate organs. i know her wishes and i will respect them. it doesnt mean it wont be hard and i wont have a freaking mental breakdown but as hard as this all is for me to try to accept right now, my main focus is going to continue to be on her and what she wants.
i am just not ready to lose her. none of us are. i love my family dearly, so i dont mean this in a disrespectful way to them at all but - my mom has always been the most important person in my life. she is my idol, my mom, my mentor and also my best friend.
i dont really think its fully hit me yet that this is all happened today. i think my brain was exhausted enough by the time i found out that now its just overloaded and cant take in anything else until i have more than the 4 hours of sleep i got last night.
i have talked to a few people about this on aim and phone/texts just now but other than that i dont really feel like talking about it so much right now. if you want to leave a comment or email me, thats fine, i just might not respond right away. other than that, i dont really feel like talking on the phone or messaging a lot right now. especially since i dont really know any details yet.
im just so scared. i have only been in the house for an hour without her here and it already seems unbalanced. strange feeling. i just want it to be morning already so i can go see her again.
oh, and to be clear - she was lucid tonight when i saw her. she smiled and asked me how my drive was and how finals went and blah blah then she asked me to get her another blanket (they keep it below freezing and give the thinnest freaking blankets, i will never understand that) and to move the remote. she had just had medicine though and was waiting to go to bed until i got there because i told her i just wanted to say goodnight.
i feel a little better just being home with my family and having seen her, even if it was only for a few minutes.
i think that is all i will write for now. i dont even know if what i wrote makes sense. im exhausted and scattered. my eyes would barely focus driving today.
is it weird that when she is in the hospital i sleep with her fleecie or blanket because it smells like her? i dont know, its rather comforting actually - as strange as it may be.
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[06 May 2008|12:42am] |
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i am going to start updating this thing again. today i took my last finals of the semester. when i left the school i met up with isaac and whitney at starbucks. later i went to see whitney's new house and i love it. its nice and has a huge back yard. we sat on her roof for a little bit and just talked. now i am back at my apartment - laying in my bed. probably going to watch without a trace then go to sleep. i didn't sleep much this weekend because i was studying and anxious. tomorrow i am going to austin for a little bit then driving to houston to stay there for a few weeks. i havent been home in a few weeks so i am really excited to see my family. dylan got a puppy this week. his name is lou and he trips on his ears.
i really want to get a massage when i get home. i am thinking of taking my mom for a massage and mani/pedi for mothers day. i guess i will see how she feels this weekend.
i have something i am pretty excited about but i dont want to write about it here in the hopes that by not doing so, i will not jinx it.
mom still hasnt started the experimental drug. its a long story and i am too tired to write about it right now. we are hoping for her to start tomorrow. we will know after her appointment in the morning. the last scan showed some spots on her liver. :(
i have been mostly happy the past few months - aside from my mother having cancer - and i am really excited to see what happens next. i feel like i shouldnt write that because now something bad will happen. does that make sense to anyone else?
i am going to go make a to-do list and pack some things. since my lease is up in august, i am going to start bringing some things i dont use much home to houston to avoid moving everything at once later on. goodnight.
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| RIP FRANCESCA |
[17 Nov 2007|06:18pm] |
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Had to put Francesca to sleep this morning. I went out to feed her and her intestines or whatnot were hanging out of her butt. I kid you not. It was shocking at first then just sad. I miss my little girl. She was so sweet. :(
RIP Francesca.
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| update |
[21 Sep 2007|03:36am] |
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haven't made an entry in a long time so here is a brief one.
italy was amazing. i miss it. mom is on a break from chemo because her last scan showed that the cancer has been stable since she finished chemo in may. still there. still will need chemo. theyre just trying to give her body a break while the cancer is stable. she has frozen shoulder from the chemo and right now the cancer is pressing on a nerve in her lower back causing a lot of pain. they have her on an oral chemo medicine that is supposed to shrink that little spot within a month and its already been three weeks so hopefully the pain will go away soon.
school started already. the shcool made a bunch of errors with my schedule and instead of 6 classes, 4 days a week, i am going only on mon/wed for 3 classes. almost died driving home to houston today because of a jerk on the highway.
dylan started kindergarden. too freaking cute. cant believe he is five already.
thats just a little of an update. more later when its not 3:45am.
xoxo
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| update |
[02 Jul 2006|11:58pm] |
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http://hiplog.com/hiplog/read/4/7934/
after a year and a half I have finally started my hiplog. I posted a few pictures from this weekend. check it out. I'll be dumping my sidekick pictures there from now on.
thursday danielle, katrina and I drove back to houston. I chilled with my mom and later that night danielle and I went to visit chelsea at the hotel. there were so many kids there trying to lurk the bands. stayed there til almost 3 am I think.
friday I picked the girls up and we went to reliant for warped tour in houston. it was super hot and miserable but we saw friends so it was fun. some JERK threw a water bottle on stage and it hit me. RUDE! It was bleeding and now i have a huge bruise on my knee. we went to dinner at olive garden then went back to the venue. went to the bbq after and stayed til about 1 am. I came home, showered and passed out.
saturday I slept through the england game. I was pissed that I missed it but they lost so whatever. I was so disappointed with england in this tournament. france beat brazil too. another bummer. it was storming all day and I loved it. danielle, katrina and I were going to go see an early showing of "the devil wears prada" before danielle and I headed back to san marcos but we woke up too late. danielle and I came back to our apartment in san marcos and hung out. we ordered pizza and watched tv. I was still sore and tired so I passed out early.
today we woke up, showered, chilled then went to warped tour in san antonio around 3 pm. it was rainy and cold which was better than 115 degrees. had a lot of fun today laughing with friends. mick put chelsea on suicide watch which is appropriate. she officially has the worst job on warped tour. saw someone a few times which I thought would be akward but didn't even phase me at all. so over it. danielle and I left around 930 and came home after getting some taco bell.
im tired and sore but I can't sleep. tomorrow we are going to the brand new/nightmare of you show. I have to study also. I should be sleeping instead of watching roseanne and eating frosted flakes out of the box. dangit.
goodnight.
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[28 Jun 2006|03:23am] |
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"sleeps" playlist on itunes |
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Its 3:24 am and I cannot sleep once again. Went shopping in Austin today. Cute new Diesel shoes. Yummy Jamba Juice. Talked to Lauren on the phone forever tonight. Miss her so much!
I have class tomorrow and then Danielle, Katrina and I are going back to Houston on Thursday morning. Warped Tour this weekend. Monday night Danielle and I are going to the Brand New/Nightmare of You show.
Wednesday I have my US GOVT final then I am going to finish packing and painting in the days after that. When I am done I will be returning to Houston for the remainder of the summer.
While I am home in Houston we are going to the TBS/HA/A&A show for hang outs..
This summer started out rocky but now its always fun + sun. Just the way I like it.
Im not getting the SKIII until Danielle gets hers and I can see if I like it. Either way I need a new kick because this keypad is annoying me. It won't stay down!!! And my alarm isn't working. Sheesh.
PS - its cool to go to the apple store and take a million ibooth photos with your friends.
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| HELP! |
[18 May 2006|09:21pm] |
I need BOOKS TO READ and SONGS/BANDS TO DOWNLOAD. Please comment to this post with some that you enjoy and would recommend. Thankies.
aaaaand GO.
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[23 Mar 2006|03:57am] |
Danielle and I went to look at some apartments/townhomes today. Stressful and didn't find anything.
We then went to the movies and saw V for Vendetta. It was really good. I enjoyed it!
I have A LOT of school work to do this weekend. Exciting!
Im going to go pass out now. Goodnight.
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[14 Dec 2005|04:05am] |
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So when I get married I have decided that I want to adopt a child from Romania. The conditions of the orphanages over there are sickening. I know there are children in need all over the world but for some reason the documentary I watched about these children really struck a cord with me.
I also want to go to the place in Canada they showed on The Amazing Race tonight. I just want to go so I can ride on those speed boats through the rapids.
Speaking of... I want to go white water rafting again.
Kylie... I love you but you're a fkn lush and I can't even talk to you right now because you're drunk and typing things that aren't even real words.
It is now 4:11 am and I'm not tired at all. Sigh.
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