i hate the smell of cigarettes in an ashtray. it drives me insane. and that's what i'm sitting next to right now, so this entry will probably be cut short. i haven't written in a long while, and i really felt the need to right now. i have been having such a hard time this past week or so. a few months ago i started worrying (without any real good reason) that i had a brain tumor. i was getting headaches (as i have my whole life) and i wasn't working at the time, so my anxiety and stress got the best of me. it wasn't too much worrying though, i distinctly remember trying to fall asleep one night and having a pounding headache and then spending a few hours worried and absolutely convinced i was going to die in my sleep. i think i wound up looking up brain tumor symptoms and realizing that i had absolutely none, except for a headache that didn't even sound like a typical brain tumor headache. so, i think i kind of stopped worrying about it. well, lately, for about the past month or two i've been getting headaches again, like everyday. they're not bad headaches, just little, achey ones. but honestly in my mind i felt like a brain tumor headache would be dull and achey. so once again i wound up going online to check it out, and once again realized that a dull, achey head pain was more constant with tension headaches. which made perfect sense, because i was making myself really tense with all this worrying and once again i was out of a job. but after reading the brain tumor symptoms it was almost like i convinced myself i had them. last wednesday i started having a problem with my eyes and it was freaking me out. i can't even explain how it felt, it was just weird. kind of like i couldn't focus on things or i would feel like i was straining my eyes. so i was worrying about this alot, like really worrying. crying everyday, just freaking the fuck out. on saturday one of my ears got clogged and i just went crazy, because i had read something about rining in the ears as one of the brain tumor symptoms. so i made ed take me to first med. we waited for like, an hour and a half, and it turned out nothing was wrong with me. the doctor was not impressed at all by my symptoms. he said i probably had a little sinus problem but for the most part it was probably anxiety and stress. he gave me some nasonex and sent me on my way ($100 lighter). so since then i've been worrying on and off. i'd have moments where i calm down, and then moments when i panic. i forgot to mention that one of the things i was experiencing was nausea, and that was the one symptom i couldn't pinpoint with any other headache but a brain tumor or migraine, and i know i didn't have a migraine (i've experienced plenty of those shits in my life). well i finally realized one night while trying to fall asleep that nausea was probably from my birth control. so i checked out the symptoms online, and sure enough, it was. so i think that was sunday or monday night. since then, my eyes would get better and then my ears would get better and my eyes would get worse. i definitely knew it was my anxiety doing this to me for the most part, but i could not stop!!! it's been driving me insane. then i just really started looking at myself freaking out and noticing how bad my anxiety and nervousness was. i've pretty much felt like i've been having a weeklong panic attack. and then it occurred to me that this could completely ALL be from my birth control. so once again i went online and checked it out and found all th ese message boards and stuff of women talking about lutera (the one i'm on) and for alot of women it's just completely awful. horrible mood swings, terrible fatigue and stress and anxiety and headaches. pretty much every sympom i have! so i chalked it all up to that, and stopped taking it today. so today i felt kind of shitty, really really tired and my eyes were bothering me again. i can't believe how bad my anxiety has been. my moods have been so horrible. i'm actually really thankful that i've found the cause for all of this, because i have been an emotional wreck alot of the time for the past couple months, and hopefully that was a big part of it. i really can't wait until the panicking and mood swings go away. i mean, i've always been panicky, but nothing like this.
the worst part of all of this is how i've made ed feel. at first i freaked him out and got him worried about me, and now i'm just putting him through hell. i hate when he falls asleep because it makes me feel very alone. i hate being left alone with my thoughts, in a dark room with no tv on, nothing to distract me. i've been waking up at like 5:30 every morning and can't fall asleep for like, an hour and a half to 2 hours, just because i can't stop thinking. i want this to stop. we're going to montauk tomorrow morning and coming back monday, and i really hope everything goes good. he is really a saint to put up with all of my bullshit. it really scares me that one day he won't be able to anymore and he will leave me, even though he says he would never. just before he was falling asleep and i started freaking out and crying again, first about having to try to go to sleep and then about pushing him towards his breaking point. ughh. i finally stopped crying and tried to sleep, and then i started worrying again about my head. now i feel completely fine. no headache, my ears are fine. but i've had this tingling in the back of my head, i've noticed it alot. i really notice it when i lay down to sleep. it doesn't really hurt, it's just a small tingling in this one spot. so of course that set my mind on a journey. i have a love/hate relationship with looking things up online. it might make you feel better, or it might make you feel worse. so i finally got up and looked and guess what tingling is usually attributed to? STRESS AND ANXIETY!! god. it can also be because of a sinus cold or something clearing up. so it really calmed me down. so did the xanax i took. so i think i am ready to go to sleep now, next to my babe.
before i do go to sleep, i might as well make an update on my life. i think since my last post a lot has happened. i left urban back in november, on a whim. the new manager made me fucking insane. after that i turned down jobs and diesel and lucky to work at h&m (i'm an idiot), where i stayed for about a month. after THAT, i worked at century 21 (the discount clothing store, not the real estate place) at the clinique counter. i absolutely hated it and only last two months. after that, i got a sweet job as a receptionist at a paper goods company. it was nice, i worked monday through friday and it wasn't very stressful. i got moved into customer service after 3 weeks, and i was really happy about it. then we were all called into a meeting and told that the company was sold to another company and all the administrative jobs were being moved to georgia!!! what fucking luck, huh? so i was there until about the middle of july, and since then i was looking for a job and getting no responses. i was starting to think i was going to have to resort back to retail. i applied for a job at the new american apparel in roosevelt field. but then i wound up getting this job in huntington as a receptionist for this odd company. i'm not exactly sure on what they do, they make like machines for burger king. but everyone i met during the interview process was AWESOME. so i'm actually kind of excited and nervous of course. i start tuesday. so that's where i'm at right now. ed and i have been together for a little over a year. around our anniversary i got a tattoo on my forearm of a heart lock. i love it. for ed's birthday i was gonna get him the key, but i ran out of money. so soon enough that will be happening, now that i'm gonna have money again! :D i love him so much.
ok, i am really, really tired. i've calmed down and the tingling kinda stopped. ha. i'm off to bed, and off to montauk. <3