urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead = o Amber 2008-07-31T17:20:48Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:7586 2008-07-31T17:20:48Z 2008-07-31T17:20:48Z i'm about ready to lose it completely <br />i fucking want to kill myself and have you watch<br />would you like that?<br />i want to watch you sob like a fucking baby.<br />watch me<br />watch me<br />i'll do it; you coward. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:7411 2008-07-29T04:37:55Z 2008-07-29T04:37:55Z hey so.<br />here are the things that matter most in my life right now<br />in this order:<br />God.<br />Led Zeppelin.<br />Heath Ledger as "The Joker."<br /><br />i'm not even kidding a little bit.<br />my life is melting away in grease and plastic.<br />help me remember.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />"i wish i knew how to quit you." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:7122 2008-07-01T18:27:14Z 2008-07-01T18:27:14Z i would like to say thank you to those who have responded to my posts (i realize it's just two of you; hah.) it means alot that i have support; even if it's just on livejournal.<br /><br />i've been depressed for a really long time; but i was so insanely happy with my boyfriend.<br />he broke up with me last august and it's been hell ever since.<br />just recently i found out that i may be bipolar. i really dont know what it is. i'll have days where i'm a complete and total bitch. just insanely depressed and cut off from the world. and i cant control what i say or do. it's as if i'm just watching.<br /><br />i told my mother and she didn't believe me. so now i'm just trying to figure out how to cope on my own. there will be really long periods where i'm great. and then i'll have two or three days of just absolute madness. and it's been hard for me to keep friends because of it. i have about three or four amazing best friends that have stuck through it with me; but i've put them through so much. i just want to feel real again. i want to have real emotions. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:6679 2008-06-19T03:29:49Z 2008-06-19T03:29:49Z i need help.<br />my mom doesnt believe me.<br />i need help. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:6431 2008-05-18T05:32:37Z 2008-05-18T05:32:37Z i am so tired all the time.<br />it's in my bones.<br />in my lungs.<br />in my skin and blood.<br />i am so fucking tired.<br /><br /><br />i can't even tell my emotions apart now.<br />they just blend together.<br />i'm raw fucking emotion.<br /><br />and i smoke.<br /> <br /><br />how the fuck did this happen? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:6342 2008-05-01T03:17:43Z 2008-05-01T03:17:43Z so i'm a fool.<br /><br />more later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:6025 2008-04-25T01:50:00Z 2008-04-25T01:50:00Z apparently i'm a bitch. <br />who knew.<br /><br />i'm so fucking sick of this high school bullshit. only 30 more days til i graduate. <br />seriously.<br />get me the fuck out of here. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:5794 2008-04-17T01:19:39Z 2008-04-17T01:19:39Z can anyone else relate to this?<br />today was a really, really good day. i think because the weather was so nice. it has just been beautiful out. i was truely happy. sometimes i get nervous though; because there is always this feeling that it's not going to last. lately it has been in fragments. like, i'll be happy for about two weeks, then miserable for one, or sometimes two or three.. just back and forth. however i have been happy alot more these past few months than i have been since the break up. i have such amazing friends. i really do.<br />and caribou coffee is seriously my anti-drug.&nbsp; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:5542 2008-04-16T02:26:57Z 2008-04-16T02:26:57Z i just realized now my last post has two meanings.<br />i didn't even think of the&nbsp;abstinence part of it.&nbsp;<br />i just thought that if the love is true; it can wait a little while because nothing will stop those two people from being together.<br /><br />that's basically what i'm holding on to. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:5329 2008-04-15T04:38:31Z 2008-04-15T04:38:31Z &nbsp;true love waits. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:4954 2008-04-11T03:45:24Z 2008-04-11T03:45:24Z things change so much. it's insane.<br />i really don't know what to expect anymore. i'm keeping all doors open.<br />i've closed off my senses.&nbsp;<br />it's just easier to&nbsp;not feel anything at all than to feel like this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:4741 2008-04-04T04:05:21Z 2008-04-04T04:05:21Z finally.<br />i deserve this.<br />i deserve you.<br />thank you. thank you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:4461 2008-04-04T03:52:03Z 2008-04-04T03:52:03Z i don't care how naive it is. how immature. how "stupid."<br />i will never lose hope. we will defy what they all have said, and continue to say.&nbsp;<br />we will defy them all.<br />for you. for us. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:4188 2008-04-01T04:10:15Z 2008-04-01T04:10:15Z &nbsp;i swear that i'm going to start writing again.<br /><br /><br />it's so funny to look back on old entries. when i was sooo worried about mark; so much so that it took over our relationship. now that we're apart looking back is hard. it fucking sucks. i was so naive. sooo soo young to be that in love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:4068 2008-01-30T01:31:58Z 2008-01-30T01:31:58Z i'll pretend like i'm ok.<br />i'll pretend. <br />i'm ok.<br />i'm ok.<br />i'm not ok.<br />i'm not ok. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:3728 2007-02-21T04:42:33Z 2007-02-21T04:42:33Z life is rawr right now. <br />i don't know whats going on anymore.<br />i'll write more as soon as i can get a new layout. this one is bothering me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:3518 2006-09-23T22:19:38Z 2006-09-23T22:19:38Z I called<br />because<br />I just<br />Need to feel you on the line<br />Don’t hang up this time<br />And I know it was me who called it over but<br />I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day<br />Don’t let me get away<br /><br />Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me<br />So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be<br />There’s no substitute for time<br />Or for the sadness<br /><br />--Split Screen Sadness. John Mayer. <br /><br />I love these lyrics. They are so perfect. Friends, please? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:3236 2006-09-23T21:59:06Z 2006-09-23T21:59:06Z i'm sorry i haven't updated lately. school has been a bitch, but it's not that bad. and things are getting better. i have great friends. and homecoming is comming up soon, and i'm excited. life is finally falling into place i think. i've been waiting a long time for this so i'm really enjoying myself. and someone really needs to help me with an lj cut. cause i want to post pictures of my homecoming ddressss. i need opinions. <br />i love you all. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:2872 2006-09-10T03:30:34Z 2006-09-10T03:30:34Z i'm wondering why it's worth it.<br />he keeps telling me it will get better.<br />and he's told me that for a while now. and it hasn't<br />i just wish i could do something for myself so it's better for the people around me. and school has started. thats really annoying. reallly annoying. i love friday football games with the band though. we had a band show tonight and that sucked but the games are sooooooo much fun. um. i really don't have much to look forward to in life right now besides them and mark so yea. <br />sorry i haven't posted lately. i guess i just have to be in the mood. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:2654 2006-08-28T05:38:24Z 2006-08-28T05:38:24Z uuuuuum.<br />today was good. i saw miami vice. it was good. ok i lied. not about miami vice, that was still good. but my day wasnt. i mean. i wasnt. my boyfriend has been so supportive about everything i'm going through. he thinks i should i should pursue a therapist for my depression. has anyone been through this? and does a therapist work? i'm willing to try. <br /><br />lastly; me and my boyfriend:<br /><br />o hh amb er: im sorry all i do is complain<br />o hh amb er: and whine<br />BigBoom2007: amb I dont care I still love you all the same urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:2337 2006-08-28T05:31:53Z 2006-08-28T05:31:53Z Is this another dream or is it fall again?<br />It feels like we just met yesterday<br />And I just want to scream "This can't be happening"<br />Please don't grow up without me<br />Hold my hand and look me in the eye<br />Fall asleep with me just one more time<br />Tell me that we'll always be best friends<br />And make this feeling last until I see you again<br />Can you be so convinced that one more night won't kill you?<br />Our sunrise will never be the same<br />Maybe it's for the best but still I need to tell you that being bored never felt so good<br />September's never felt so lonely<br />September's never felt so cold<br />September's never felt all so completely out of my control<br />Why can't you stay with me forever and tell me stories of those nights I can't remember?<br />When the clearest skies seem gray, know that I'm only a phone call away<br />I can't stand this<br />Understand this hurts more than you know<br />I can't stand this<br />Understand that I just can't let go<br /><br />"Letters to Summer" - The Track Record<br /><br /><br /><br />Any songs about being in love with someone and being afraid to lose them? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:2060 2006-08-24T04:44:50Z 2006-08-24T04:44:50Z i hate myself. <br />i really do.<br />i just can't be happy with my boyfriend. i'm to selfish and i'm just so scared for him to graduate this year that i'll be left behind. i mean, i know i'm only a year behind him. but still, he'll be away at college and i'll be here. to me it's like i love you too much, why don't you just break up with me now. <br /><br />i really just want to be with him and not worry about the future. i want to be happy again. thats all i want. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:1908 2006-08-22T04:45:19Z 2006-08-22T04:45:19Z wwwwwwwwwell. life's just not giving me summer's last hurrah. ick. i want something exciting to happen, damnit. well i did finish to kill a mockingbird. that's good. but now i have to write my paper. it's due friday and i have this massive procratination problem. but hopefully if i start tonight it won't be that big of a deal. this evening i owned mark and his friends at star wars. i lost at bowling though. things are going good with mark, now. i told him what i was worried about and as usual he told me that i was worrying for nothing. so thats good. <br />aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalskfjlsdfj. i guess i should start my paper.<br />&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:1671 2006-08-20T22:18:43Z 2006-08-20T22:18:43Z asdjflksagf.<br />i can't get the links working on my layout.<br />see above. <br />anyone know how to fix this? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:__redhead:1347 2006-08-20T17:28:05Z 2006-08-20T17:28:05Z he's acting distant again. he doesnt want to see my until 5 and even then his friends will probably be there. <br />i'm sorry. i didn't mean to.<br /><br />summer hasn't been exciting. band has started. a while back actually. and that's just annoying. but i suppose it's something to do. and i really need to finish to kill a mockingbird. my paper's due next friday. <br /><br />but i'm not as bad as i sound. life's okay. i guess.