i've been thinking lately alot about zouk.

zouk is something i picked up because of Deep. it's something he loves and i figured since i wanted to pick up some sort of dance, i might as well start with that. this was a move i made with some trepediation.

taking up any kind of social dance with your partner is tricky, and it was trickier still because Deep started so much earlier (at least if you start together, you fumble and make mistakes together, decide if you like it together haha). there was a lot of pressure for me to like it, as well for me to do relatively well at it (or at least, be average). for the record, i'm still not sure i've achieved the latter (all my zouk 3 moves are a mess at the moment), but i suppose it comes with time and practice.

also, zouk is a fairly close social dance. that is one of the reasons it looks so beautiful, but it can also become a little bump in the road if you let it. i think the trick is to not dwell on it. at the end of the day, it comes down to trust and mutual understanding.

for the record, i both love and hate the fact that we dance together. our first "fight" was about zouk, and it's not uncommon that we get into little arguments about what move is wrong or right. but Deep is also the person i make mistakes with and the person i cry to when zouk frustates me as it often does, and it's nice to dance together. so i suppose i love dancing together more than i hate it. dancing with other people is fun, and although at times i think we have more dance chemistry with other partners, dancing together different, special (yes, what a cliche).

until last week, i wasn't sure if it was something i enjoyed. i didn't know if i was doing it for Deep or myself. there are days when every move i seem to do is wrong and omg, it's the most awkward thing ever if my partner gets frustrated (understandably). but there are also times when a song i like comes on, and whoever my dance partner is at the time is patient and leads well, everything flows nicely, and i enjoy it. i think what zouk has taught me is not to give up when the going gets tough. it's easy to get discouraged when you can't get a move right, but i suppose practice is how you build passion.

hah. the next thing i'm going to try is pole dance. my first lesson is in june. i get nervous butterflies just thinking about it. all the bruises, callouses and all the pain that is about to come down on me is also rather daunting. i'm not sure i can do it, but i do want to at least try. wish me luck.

when i was a kid, i remember flipping through photo albums my mom had made of us. it was the most magical thing ever because i have no recollection of those times. i'd ask if i really did that, or if that really happened. it was like a time-machine for everyone.

as of late, i've been having the urge to do the same-- to document life, as i know it. looking at my past journal entries, i know i've changed quite a bit, all in the span of a year. many things can happen in a year.

and so, yes, i want to take more pictures-- of things i did, of people i met, of random things i saw. kind of a big project, but i would love to try it.

i am a writer, at least that's what i'd like to think of myself, i'm not sure if i truly am convinced about this yet. it's the one thing i think i do well-ish.

but lately (if you can count the past three years as lately) i feel like i've forgotten how to write. i can write academic papers, churn reports. there is a loose format. you don't have to think too much, just copy and paste. but in doing so, i have forgotten what it feels like to write without editing, to write with freedom.

sometimes i admire prose, how beautifully the words sound together, how they knit a picture together. but at the same time, i want depth.

the latter is harder to come across, especially in my own writing.

The other night, I had a conversation with a young woman who had a number of decisions ahead of her, one of which is whether she would go to grad school or travel the world.

I told her to travel. Hands down. No excuse. Just go.
Travel While You're Young

She sighed.
“Yeah, but…”

Never were more fatal words spoken.

Yeah, but… what about debt?
Yeah, but… what about my job?
Yeah, but… what about my boyfriend (or dog or car or whatever)?

“Yeah, but…” is pernicious. Because it makes it sound like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should.

It allows us to be cowards, while sounding noble.

Most people I know who waited to travel the world never did. Conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things — eventually.

Be careful of the yeah-but. The yeah-but will kill your dreams.

I was so stirred by this conversation that I shared it with a group of about thirty young adults last night, many of which are asking these very questions.
The life you’ve always wanted

When you get older, life seems to just sort of happen to you. Your youth is a time of total empowerment.

You get to do what you want. As you mature and gain new responsibilities, you have to be very intentional about making sure you don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So if you still have a reasonable amount of control over your circumstances, you should do what really matters. Because life won’t always be just about you.

During early adulthood, your worldview is still being formed. It’s important to steward this time — to give yourself opportunities to grow. A good way to do that is to travel.

So, young person, travel.

Travel wide and far.
Travel boldly.
Travel with full abandon.

You will regret few risks you take, when it comes to this. I promise you.

There are three reasons to travel while you’re young:
1. Traveling teaches you to live an adventure

When you look back on your life, you will have moments of which you are proud and maybe a few you regret. It’s likely that the following won’t be on the latter list:

Bicycled across the Golden Gate Bridge.
Appeared on Italian TV.
Hiked a Mayan ruin.
Learned Spanish in three months.
Toured Europe by train.

They’re not on mine (fun fact: I’ve done all of the above)

What, then, will be?

Holding back.
Being afraid.
Making excuses.
Not taking more risks.
Waiting.

While you’re young, you should travel.

You should take the time to see the world and taste the fullness of life. It is worth whatever monetary investment or time sacrifice that is required on your part.

It’s not about being a tourist. It’s about learning the importance of experiencing true risk and adventure so that you don’t have to live in fear for the rest of your life.
2. Traveling helps you encounter compassion

In your youth, you will make choices that will define you. The disciplines you begin now will be with you for the rest of your life.

Traveling will change you like little else can. It will put you in places that will force you to care for issues that are bigger than you.

If you go to southeast Asia, you may encounter the slave trade. If eastern Europe, you may see the effects of genocide and religious persecution. If Haiti, you’ll witness the the ugly side Western paternalism.

Your heart will break.

You will begin to understand that the world is both a big and small place. You will have a newfound respect for the pain and suffering that over half of the world takes for granted on a daily basis. And you will feel more connected to your fellow human beings in a deep and lasting way.

You will learn to care.
3. Traveling allows you to get some culture

While you’re still young, you should get cultured. Get to know the world and the magnificent people that fill it.

There’s nothing quite like walking alongside the Coliseum or seeing Michelangelo’s David in person. I can describe the city of San Juan and its amazing beaches and historic sites to you, but you really have to see it for yourself to experience it. You can read all the books in the world about the Great Wall of China or The Louvre, but being there is a different story.

The world is a stunning place, full of outstanding works of art. See it.

Do this while you’re still young. Do not squander this time. You will never have it again.

You have a crucial opportunity to invest in the next season of your life now. Whatever you sow, you will eventually reap.

Please. For your sake, do this.

You won’t always be young. And life won’t always be just about you. So travel. Experience the world for all it’s worth. Become a person of culture, adventure, and compassion.
“What if I’m not young?”

Travel, anyway. It may not be easy to do, but find a way to get out of your comfort zone. It’s really never too late.

But if you haven’t gotten sucked into the routine of life yet, I implore you — travel. It will never be easier than it is right now for you to do that which really matters.

-- taken from here: http://goinswriter.com/travel-young/

there are some days i wake up and it hits me what i've lost. i miss the past, how easy everything was. i miss the weekend routine which was never boring, i miss the comfort. every day of 2011 i've had nightmares, except those that were spent with you. (even) my naps were demon free.

but what holds me is the knowledge that this is the right move. i could see the future, i could see our future, but it was too soon, i need to know what else is out there, i don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering. i need to be who i want to be, rather than who i am now.

i came across something after i wrote this, thought it rang very very true: I’m very lucky to have had a heartbreak so civil, to have emotions that are that deep, to have days that have gone by quick and slow. lucky that things all work out no matter what I think or feel(sometimes against what I think & feel). Even though I say this, i know it is not luck but the love of a higher power.


everyday i tell myself, "be strong. everything will work out for the best." i honestly believe that.

i hope that will help you too.

if i have my own wedding, i'd like to design every little detail, kind of like a DIY wedding rather than the traditional chinese wedding dinner at some hotel ballroom. what's the fun in that? i'd like to decorate the place myself, and have it at a favourite restaurant which actually has yummy food.

must be all those american wedding blogs i've been reading haha!

I have decided. Turqoise/ Mint are my new favourite colours. (:

future, past.

present.


when does the past intersect with the present, to change the future irrevocably? when does the present change the imagined future, such that there is only one choice? in anything i do, i hate the feeling that my hand is forced, that it's not a voluntary choice, but just a consequence of (poor) decisions in the past.



i dreamt that i was on a bridge that used to be stable, but when i was the only one left, it crumbled beneath me.

poking holes in the present when there is turmoil, maybe that's not wise when i'm emotionally on sinking ground. but better things fall apart when it's bad, right? (as opposed to it ruining something happy)

what will save us? the answer is faith, but i don't know, need to know, if i've misplaced mine.

please, no.