December 13th, 2011 10:51 am Friends Only [ ] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | we used to be friends ¨ the dandy warhols ] Hey, you know the drill- to read the 'friends only' entries, leave a comment. thanks! (: 244

January 8th, 2010 12:22 am what is and what should be [ ] [ music | morning after dark - timbaland ] sometimes i wonder if i believe in fate, i know some people who are big believers in that. me? sometimes i think 'fate' is just an excuse to be lazy. we make our own choices, we should technically actively fight for what we want. but then again sometimes there are coincidences that seem much too orchestrated to be incidental. even more than that though, if i don't believe in fate, its the denial of a higher power, of God (whichever one we personally believe in). that brings in the question of faith, or perhaps my lackthereof-- something i'm gonna work on this year. gahhh. 2010 is here, we're all growing so much older. we're turning 22, 22, my gosh that's old. it's about time to get my life in order, especially if i'm graduating after this sem. i thought about what i want to achieve this year and its pretty much the same as last year's goals because the same long-term goal is still there. 2009 was a chaotic year with lots of new experiences, but somehow i think all the havoc (granted, lessons are always learnt) is pushing me further away from the kind of life i want. haz told me the other day that i've been going through what he went through at 18, his wild stage so to speak. and well, that's because when i was younger i wasn't ready to experience the chaos. so, on one hand its better to live fast when we're young so that we've never left wondering. on the other hand, i know these choices will affect my chances of attaining the future that i want, the longer i revel in this the worse things'll become. :/ bleh. i just wish it wasn't so hard, that it didn't feel this forced, i don't wanna give up the kind of life i have now, i enjoy it alot, this hedonistic lifestyle. i feel like a gremlin who's touched water, it's so difficult to go back to the way things were before. on an entirely different note, i have to say i do regret, maybe things would've turned out differently. le sigh. oh wells, too late now, all there is to do is wait and see. maybe i'm just being kancheong, things could be alot better.

January 3rd, 2010 4:31 am grow up and blow away [ ] you know you're growing old(er) when you realise your friends' younger brothers, whom you distinctly remember as scrawny little boys, tower almost a head above you and now have shoulders broader and voices deeper than yours (previously this wasn't the case). zomg. but what takes the cake is having one of those scrawny little teenagers, who you used to know since he was a toddler (but is now thirteen) go for lunch with you and his sis (your bff). there, he starts singing and you realise you listen to the same music (don't trust me- 3oh!3) and play the same games (cs and l4d2, <3) and have him call you a no0b (an accusation which of course, has no basis hahahaha). :S well, hell, time is catching up with us. but its nice to know that though we're all so much older, some things stay the same, the friends who saw us through awkward adolescence are still here-- i'm especially thankful to chij for that, for these girlfriends who'll last a lifetime. <3 reunions all around this holiday- with new friends as well as old friends. gah, i wish school didn't have to start so soon. 2

December 30th, 2009 11:58 pm 2009 in review [ ] [ music | telephone - lady gaga ] 2009 has been pretty damn insane, and plentiful enriching, i truly felt like i've learnt a lot, perhaps more than in any previous year (though, 2008 was still more life-altering i suppose). it hasn't been the easiest year-- there were many times when i was scared, sad, mad out of my mind. all things considered though, i think the year has ended better than i had ever dreamed. somehow everything turned out alright, even when i was so sure it wouldn't. and although i'd definitely say (my) religion is an extremely private matter, i have to say i've truly been blessed by God this year. there's a lot to be thankful for. (: i don't think i've partied as hard as i did this year, but at the same time, i don't think i've ever worked so hard academically, and whew, i'm glad it shows. it's really scary having so many friends leave (albeit only for 3 or 4 months at a time), but as a consequence i've deepened/ gained so many new friendships. i'm still scared/ weary of making new friends, but i'm truly glad i've met the important ones mentioned below. annnnddd, the people who've seen me through the years are still here (a miracle, i know haha). growing up is hard, but i'm learning that it rewards us with CHOICE. with great power comes great responsibility, yes? lol. as we grow up, we learn (and are given the opportunity) to make our own decisions. consequences be damned, at least we made the decision for ourselves. and youth allows us to make mistakes, albeit not too serious ones. better to make them now, when we're young. gaining experience, and learning, is what makes life what it is. live it. i'm still not sure what my resolutions for 2010 are, will post it separately later. luckily, i have Lawrence (soo glad he's my best boy bud, yay) to hold me accountable to those goals (and me, for him). let's hope 2010 is FANTASTIC. milestones of 2009 (in chronological order): Batam trip with Peiling, Pak, FF. parasailing, canoeing, shopping, a&w-ing. SO FUN. (organising and wrapping up) Geek vs Glam Bash- this taught me alot about leadership and confidence, or how much i need to work on them, that is. but making new friends, and the crazy stunts we did (dancing on the arts canteen table top during lunch hour for publicity stunt was super memorable) made the hard work worth it quitting Breakers (and my friendship with Shaun)- given a choice between friends over boys, my answer is always the same. i know who are important in my life. the Gil fiasco- i'd never been so scared as i was during that period of time. my sis is the person i love most in the whole world, honestly, and seeing her hurt was the most painful thing. but it caused me to grow up and put her first, before my own selfish needs. i'm SO proud that she managed to change the situation around so that she's ok now. honestly, thank God. rediscovering my friendship with Carol- its funny that we've been friends since we were kids but i'd never been close to her til this year. maybe we needed some soul-searching to realise we get along so well. all the partying, late night talks and shopping... my gosh she's awesome. <3 the GDBs leaving for USA for the summer and therefore as a consequence, becoming closer to Jiayi- it was hard having the uni clique girls so far away, but hanging out once a week with jiayi for 3 months made us so much closer. (: hanging out with the CJ boys and (yes, finally) getting over S- i mourned this for a while, because S was such a big part of my life for so long. then one day i woke up and i couldn't see what it was about him that i fell in like with. and he'll always have a special place in my heart, but it's not the same spot it used to be. and it's better this way. (: thanks S, for teaching me everything. i'm sorry i was a bother for so long lol. so embarrassing. arts camp/ soci camp/ arts oweek- new friends! sooo much fun! japan trip- quality time with the sis, first trip without the parents, just 2 of us. fell back in love with photography. also, tokyo fashion was such an eye-opener! getting my friendship with Lawrence back on track- i'm sorry i ignored him for close to a month for no apparent reason, i guess i needed to clear my head. but i'm so glad that he accepted my apology and we're closer than ever now, i can honestly say i can't imagine my life without him, no one knows or takes my nonsense as well as he does. (: the academic nightmare that was year 3 sem 1… which turned out better than i could hope- deadlines deadlines, deadlines, i felt swamped most of the time with such a heavy workload but yay it turned out great. with more classes and less time to slack, my CAP improved lol. the start of ritual booze days with Hazmi- FUNNIEST BOY EVER. and he gives me advice, straight. no one else i know waxes philosophy when he's highhh hahaha. so glad we get along so well despite being relatively new friends. Jun- ((: i'm learning alot, more every day. it's been surprising, amazing, crazy and totally (:-worthy. (: (: (: growing even closer to Simone <3 <3 <3- the two months have been a total rollercoaster ride. and we've changed alot, but we changed together. no one makes me laugh like she does, no one is as retarded as we are when we're together. and as crazy as it sounds, i think we grew even closer in these tremulous months, all the soul-searching and heart-to-heart talks. we're growing up, but growing up together. it's friends like these that make me feel secure, because i know (esp now) that our friendship will last for years and years on end. rekindling my friendship with Marc, whom i deeply respect- i made a lot of mistakes where this relationship was concerned, but i'm glad now we're back to being friends and i can make amends. besides, conversations with Marc always leave me with something new learnt or something to ponder. (: 2009 has been everything i could wish for... and more. ( 99 photos for 2009, image intensive. heh. ) 1

December 27th, 2009 1:52 pm is all fair in love and war? [ ] [ music | 4am - our lady peace ] over dinner the other day, kevin and i talked about love and ethics-- are the two compatible? under what circumstances would you compromise your ethics for love, which in the first place, may or may not be a mirage (that love, not your ethics)? more importantly, when is it 'ok' to help someone win over someone else's girlfriend? for a while i was conflicted, because without my help the guy might not have a fighting chance. and yet meddling usually brings its own set of problems-- who am i to judge the situation? but at the end of the day, i truly felt that this guy was sincere, and that he could bring the girl happiness, he deserved a chance to prove himself. i talked to a friend online about this and he had an interesting take on the situation: Statement 1: Your loyalty lies with your friend other than with her boyfriend Conclusion 1: If S1 is true, then your friend's happiness is your prime concern, the boyfriend's POV be damned. Statement 2: You know your friend well enough to fathom what she wants in a relationship and what she needs in a relationship. Statement 3: You know your friend well enough to be able to accurately tell which of the two men fulfil statement 2 to a greater extent, and will remain consistant in their action-set and mind-set. Conclusion 2: If S2 and S3 are true then pursuant to S1 being true you're doing the right thing. I don't know, after thinking about it, perhaps i've done all that i should do. maybe now the guy should prove himself by himself, only then would it be fair. maybe sometimes in life we have to go for what we want, ethics be damned. this boy told me, "i feel [that girl] is one in a million, that's why i'm fighting for this." i used to be an idealist, and in many ways i still am, kind of. but perhaps i've learnt that one needs a healthy dose of reality, things seldom turn out the way we want them to. maybe this is one of the ways 2009 has changed me. before, i'd have told you that under no circumstances should one try to compete for someone who's attached, it's just wrong. but thinking about it now, the parties involved have the power to exercise their right to choose, to fight back. a little competition can be a good thing. afterall, we're still young, we're not talking about marriage (which is a whole different ballgame because there are so many more people involved, and marriage means a life built together, which is hardly the case here). this is a sure sign we're growing older-- things aren't clearly black or white. toto we're not in kanas anymore. 2

December 21st, 2009 12:31 am she said, maybe there's a little bit of me waiting for a little bit of you baby [ ] i often wonder, if pandora felt trepidation before she opened that box, since she knew full well she wasn't allowed to open it. same goes with eve, and that forbidden fruit. (funny how both these myths blame women for the world's evil eh?) i feel abit like pandora, like i'm starting something i can't quite handle. and yet, still i start it. my parents had it right, trouble really is my middle name. limits? what limits? good gosh, why am i always courting disaster? but try as i might, i just can't stop. perhaps, it is because i don't want to just yet.

December 15th, 2009 1:39 pm crossroads [ ] there are gold diggers.. and then there are nose diggers LOL. sometimes, i wonder how to know what, and who, to trust. perhaps i am too gullible. it took a while but word are starting to mean alot to me, i try not to say things i don't mean. one of the (side)effects of being a lit student i suppose-- after two years of slaving over texts, i'm starting to finally understand the weight, and significance of words. words have connotations, a meaning behind them that shouldn't be wasted. yet, at the end of the day, words are just that-- words. it's easy to say things we don't mean, especially when someone wants something else from another person. so i guess, it's better to err on the side of caution. i'm not mad, i honestly couldn't care less, but it's a lesson worth taking note of. i'm glad its sinking in. right and wrong used to be so clear, but as we grow up it gets complicated. emotions aren't logical, more so as we get older. anyways, i'm glad i have simone and jiams, we giggled for hours over dinner. (: and the other day at the club, simone and i went totally crazy, dancing like no one was watching (when practically ALL our friends were stoning/ laughing at us. but we didn't care). making up our own mambo moves, jumping around, screaming at the top of our lungs-- we're really retarded but it was so much fun. <3 close friends are so important-- these are the people who'd see me through thick and thin i think, and likewise. gil. deb and haz, simone and jiams. nat and nic. carol and lennard and cy and yw. lawrence. jiayi, rach, pei, tiff. i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. (:

December 13th, 2009 4:43 pm long live the car crash hearts [ ] my life's a pretty mess right now. and it's not just mine. someone told me, friends go through thick and thin together, i'm glad we're in this together. haha, best friends to the end. haha wtf, we really dug a good one for ourselves this time. perhaps over time, feelings take root. honestly, i have no idea how everything will turn out. i'm tired of thinking, tired of feeling. on a scale of one to f*ed up, yesterday night was totally up there. sometimes, i wonder what i owe B, where do i draw the line? i feel guilt, definitely that. but how can he expect me to do anything when i honestly, don't even know him? and how can he say he really likes me when i feel like he doesn't even know me? and how deep do his feelings run? because at the end of the day, that's what makes all the difference. i was working under the assumption i was one of many girls, so i didn't really consider his feelings, i just did what i wanted to do. but yesterday, i don't know, i'm starting to think i misjudged the situation-- it required more care than i took. :( and perhaps, i should have been the one to take care of him and send him home. i wanted to, it was killing me inside to stand on the sidelines. it set the tone for the whole night, only towards the end did simone and i go TOTALLLYY crazy, dancing (crazily) like no one was watching, lol, i love my bitch SOO much. thinking about it, i don't regret my decision, sijing obviously cares for him, letting her be the one to take care of him and send him home was right. after all, he deserved someone better. so even though i'm the one who appears to be a bastard, i hope he sees that it was for his own good. honestly. but i do still feel guilty, esp when ben told me i should have been the one to take care of B, that's what B would've wanted. plane crash, still got blackbox. haha, that's one way to put it. hmm. idk. i guess i'm sorry. i seem to always be owing B something or other and it makes me a horrible human being, but it really feels like my hands are tied.

December 1st, 2009 12:41 am have i met you yet? [ ] it takes a lot for me to open up my heart. technically, it shouldn't be this hard, it wasn't like this the last time (or, should i say, the only time). but perhaps that was an accident-- i didn't know any better, i just.. fell. head, heart and everything else, just like that, without even realising it until almost everyone else knew. and it took a long time to get over that, up til now i'm still puzzled about how i dug that hole for myself that deep. perhaps i looked at him and saw everything i wanted to be, or to see. which isn't to say he wasn't ten kinds of amazing to me at the time, because he was, in my eyes. he paid enough attention (or perhaps, cared enough) to do little things that cheered me up when i was down, when i thought no one else had realised. maybe it was the insignificant things (even to him, probably) that won me over (not that he was trying). so, a part of me will always be grateful to him for showing me what it was like to like someone, even if it was unrequited. but somehow, one day i woke up and it was gone, all those years of liking him, just gone. i didn't even realise til later on. and then i felt guilty and tried to talk myself back into liking him (and failed, though i'm sure he'd be relieved, if he knew). then again, i think we lost our friendship years before that, i just didn't want to acknowledge it. and if i think about it, that's really worrying. i saw precisely what i wanted to see, and i held on. relentlessly perhaps. damn, thinking about the past makes me literally cringe. and, what scares me is that these feelings i had which i thought were so deep suddenly vanished one day, after years of persistence. suddenly i didn't know what i was i saw in the past, it's like sudden disillusionment. so what do you decide you can trust? not to mention, after that, (combined with the crisis in my parents' marriage which happened at about the same time) i've put up a wall, i just can't open up even when want to. it takes months/ years before i open up to (new) friends, nevermind anyone else. luxury of time certainly isn't on my side. or, maybe despite all the people i've dated, the fact that i only really ever kick myself over two of them, is an indication that the people i pick are highly unsuitable for me. but if all i've ever known are unsuitable candidates, then how do i know what's suitable? urghhh. lol. guess i've got to sort out the mess i'm currently in before i can worry about future messes. still, food for thought, just in case.

November 27th, 2009 2:17 pm you were perfect and i guess i'm just a creep, but you still hurt me [ ] right now things are all sweetness but for how long? it's eating me up inside, knowing that that's all going to change in a few weeks. i don't want him to hate me. it pains me to think that that's where we would be in the future. i'm trying to prepare him for the fact that i'm gonna walk away. but he refuses to see it as a possibility and eventually i just get so tired i relent. putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. my fault, i know. as time goes by, more and more plans/ promises (well, i don't consider them promises but i have a feeling he does) have been made. it becomes harder and harder to walk away because plans are starting to take root. haz tells me the boy will hate me, it's nothing personal, just the way these things work. i mean, i can see it in the future. after all, that's what pushed the boy to me i think (well, i didn't ask him but this is what i gathered)-- he decided to get to know me better in order to get back at this girl who ended things with him. or maybe that's how i'm justifying it to myself in order to make myself feel better. i'm sure he'll bounce back in no time though. either way, i really screwed it up this time. haiyah. how to people do it-- how do they get to know someone then decide not to see that person? keep it more-or-less low key then quietly get out of their lives? that's what i used to do. but what happens after that stage has passed? i want more, i want to find a lover and a best friend, someone i can see a future with, all rolled into one. and i won't settle for anything less than that, i'll take being single over that any day. dammmitt, i hate that it's come to this. i should have pulled the plug earlier though i can't say i regret the last few weeks. therein lies the problem. i'm so afraid that come january 2010, when/ if i decide to make my move, i'll end up regretting it halfway, for the third time. 1

November 23rd, 2009 2:03 pm don't let your love grow too deep, i don't think i'll be around [ ] it takes alot of courage to love, even to open yourself up to the possibility of like. but then, sometimes you have to take risks to earn the rewards. honestly, i'm more ready now than i was two years, and even a year ago. dipping my feet into the pool, slowly, cautiously. but perhaps, i went about this in all the wrong ways. therein lies the paradox-- if there was too much at stake (like perhaps, a future), i wouldn't have the courage to try, my knee-jerk reaction to run would kick in. but yet, because there is no future, all the progress (at least, with regards to this particular... entanglement) would have to be put to an end soon. in some ways, it looks like we're halfway to the finishing line-- i've hung out with some of his friends, i've met his parents (an unexpected occurrence i had tried to put off but fate intervened). his mom seems to really like me though, asked me to come to dinner one day soon which i found quite amazing given the circumstances under which we met. if only there was a happy ending in sight. imminent heartbreak, or at least heart pangs. i certainly feel something for him, and i'll always be grateful to him for showing me the ropes but i want more, i need more. how do i negotiate between considering his needs, and mine? i always wonder how some people can give their heart away so freely, how is it that the fear doesn't grip them, paralyze? perhaps, they have enough faith to know the obstacles are surmountable. but hopefully, by jan 2010, things will be where they need to be.

October 27th, 2009 8:00 pm how much have you learned? [ ] humans, perhaps, are innately selfish creatures. at least i think so. maybe it's only when we develop some kind of connection or feeling with the other person that we begin to consider things from their perspective. or, you know, when you want to make yourself feel good to affirm you're not selfish, you'll do some small thing for someone random, something that doesn't requite much sacrifice (or thought) on your part and pat yourself on the back for it. some sociologists believe love entails three important things- sacrifice, forgiveness and commitment. i think perhaps only when we love someone (friendship or whatever counts too i suppose. different kind of love and different levels of these three things but maybe the rules still apply) we begin to become less selfish. how many ties we make are real? there are, of course, exceptions to the rule, but realistically, what are the odds that we'd encounter the exception? age old question, where do you draw the line, when do you stop making allowances for someone who is hurting? i'd have been perfectly sympathetic if you hadn't set out to manipulate. ethics have gone to shit. how'd the world become so ugly eh? aye. but i'm no saint either, we're all users and abusers.

October 18th, 2009 4:26 pm Feeling the moment slip away [ ] "Is the danger of beauty so great that it is better to live without it (The Standard Model)? Or to fall into her arms fire to fire? There is no discovery without risk and what you risk reveals what you value." - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries if i were the kind of person to get tattoos (i'm chicken, far too fickle for my own good.. and who am i kidding, i have better things to do with my already limited funds), i'd get these- "Is the danger of beauty so great that it is better to live without it? There is no discovery without risk and what you risk reveals what you value." maybe i'd get them together or separated, it kind of works both ways eh? it'd serve as a good reminder of the need to take more risks, i've grown too scared/ careful to take chances. perhaps one of the (side?) effects of growing older is coming to terms with our imminent mortality. life is fragile, everything could change in a split second, and yet that hardly factors into our daily decisions- we dangerous dash across roads while laughing with our friends, we take people and time for granted, we do crazy stunts without much thought of possible consequences. we live like we're invincible. i suppose it's easier that way, goodness knows that life would be terribly tedious if we had to weigh every action with that kind of serious weight hanging (and of course, what are the odds that that one decision would change things?). but my gosh, that doesn't change the fact that that's the reality. um, i don't know the purpose of this exactly, it's just been weighing on my mind. food for thought i guess, hah.

October 11th, 2009 1:50 am just waited for my world to fall apart [ ] escapism is something i've become good at, so good that i can't remember how it even started. then again, i've always felt as if the child i was turned out to be someone completely different from who i am at this very moment (and doubtless, no, hopefully, the person i will be in the future is someone very different from them both), as if my very essence has been changed in reaction to events that happened to me, or by a sheer force of will. prof patke once quoted some obscure author who essentially marveled about the multiplicity of 'i's. i forget the exact quote and even its context but the gist of it is, why do we use just one 'i' to refer to ourselves when we are changing all the time, as if we were exactly the same person? this sem has been different- ever since school started i've had this need (there is no other word to describe it) to close myself off, to contract my world. not all the time, and not to everyone but to most, there is this need for space that wasn't there previously and its hard to explain. it's like, things keep changing so damn fast i need time to deal and soak everything in otherwise i feel constantly bombarded. i need time to catch up with the past, to contemplate the future as well as to savour the present before uni life ends. and then the million dollar question of 'now what'. it's making me feel cornered, disaster (pessimistic much?) looming in the horizon. this sem's lectures have been the most thought-provoking and the most enjoyable. but gosh, school has never been so hectic, which is to be expected given the 6 mods i'm doing this sem. but more than that, lit is becoming painful because i keep questioning my every move. with so many deadlines, my procrastination habit worsens and a vicious cycle begins. argh. i feel like what i need most right now is stability. and concentration so i can finally focus on school. neither of which i feel as if i have right now. but time is running short and necessity does wonders i suppose. tomorrow i'm going to try to finish two essays and a presentation. for now, i'm off to bed. :/ 1

September 22nd, 2009 1:00 am [ ] sometimes i have trouble comprehending how i've gotten to this stage of my life. gosh we're 21, how did we get so old? so many distant (and not-so-distant) memories seem to have happened in another lifetime, to another person. sometimes, i can't even understand some of the decisions i made, you know those 'wtf-was-i-thinking' moments? we're living too fast, too hard, to properly savor the moments. how, how can i bottle up the time, slow things down a little? youth is wasted on the young-- truer words have never been said. sigh, gonna study all week, except wednesday night of course. there's so much work to be done. thank goodness for that little reprieve, it's been too long since tiff, rach, pei and i had a girls night out. let's hope it's a good one.

September 16th, 2009 12:06 am happiness is a warm gun [ ] lol. happy birthday cy. you know what i want most? i've figured out that i want stability. i know, it's not terribly exciting but i like knowing that things will more or less tend to an equilibrium, something safe, something comfortable. because excitement is tiring sometimes, it exhausts me. lately there's been a lot of surprises being thrown my way-- some good, some bad. i think it's made me realise how totally random some things are, how i'm really just reacting to events, that the notion of freedom is somewhat an illusion because we're so affected by other people's actions. so much can change in a second, it's really left me feeling destablized. i mean, so far i've been pleasantly surprised by things but yes, it's still disconcerting nonetheless and i would really like some semblance of stability back. there are all these random people popping in and out of my life and i'd really just like things to settle down. but at the same time, i'm pretty content with the way things are in my life right now. i have amazing people in my life (although of course there's always space for more, IF they prove themselves to be worth the effort) and i like what i'm learning. there's a quiet sort of calm i feel inside me-- at least when i'm not worrying about essay deadlines haha. i don't really know if this is happiness per say since it's a bassline kind of contentment, but yeah. so far things are good.

September 14th, 2009 2:34 pm [ ] argh, my habit of procrastinating is gong to be the death of me. I AM DAMMNN STRESSED. argh school sucks. hmm, not quite relevant but i'm toying with the idea of setting up a matchmaking agency next time, wouldn't that be nice? jiams, simone and i were talking about it one day after dinner. the classes i'm taking this sem have been really interesting, like right now my soci of family lecture is on marriage/ theories about how we select marriage partners. mate selection, damn i wish i could do a paper on that. here is where my interests lie-- in how we choose who we commit to and why. too bad there's no degree in... relationship studying? LOL. gender studies is the next best thing, i suppose, which is why i'm glad its my minor. <3

September 8th, 2009 1:25 am go back to where you know your heart is [ ] friendships should come with an expiry date sometimes, i think. it'd make things easier. then there's no guilt about what/ who to hold on to, no disappointment that comes along with hoping a friendship would work out when there's nothing to sustain it. how do i know who i consider my friends? i ask myself if i care about them, if i care about what goes on in their lives, if they have the capacity to make me feel things- happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment. that's also how you tell if people have stopped mattering to you, and you know then it's time to cut them out of your life. sometimes even the people change, we change, we outgrow some friendships or find that the bonds that hold us together have broken, that's a fact of life. sometimes it's so much better to let a friendship go than hold on to something and watch it disintegrate til the good times have been replaced by bitter memories. ruthless? maybe. but so many people pass through our lives so you have to ask yourself which are the ones worth keeping. i'm realising friendship takes effort, it's an investment emotionally. caring about someone means you give them the power to hurt you, because trust is involved, because you're vulnerable. and that's one thing i'm realising that i hate feeling. i'm especially guarded these days, my friendship doesn't come easily, it has to be earned-- through thought-provoking conversation, through nonsensical jokes, through the building of trust. can i trust you enough to let you see the real me, to tell you what i feel about things truly? epicflailer knows me inside out the way only one or two others do, and i'm reminded how lucky i am to have her in my life. <3 the lines which separate, 'insider' and 'outsider' remain entrenched stronger than ever. for example, though i've known EH only a year, i'm starting to wonder how i managed without his friendship, he means more to me than lennard&cy who i've known for years. perhaps it's a matter of the depth of friendship. i know who the people who truly matter to me are, i shall concentrate on caring about them and not waste my energy on the rest.

September 6th, 2009 11:19 pm what's the story, morning glory? [ ] did they push forward halloween and forget to send me the memo? because damn, i've had a helluva week, straight out of the twilight zone. not just one or two odd events but dammit, four wth-are-you-kidding-me kind of improbable events, not necessarily good or bad, but uhhhh, situations i never really thought i'd find myself in. arghhhhhhh, why my life so drama? :(( 1

September 5th, 2009 1:00 am we're the new face of failure/ prettier and younger but not any better off [ ] "i think we should be friends." language is kind of a crazy notion if you think about it. we're basically stringing sounds and agreeing that a certain combination of those sounds strung together refer to something. and i guess because some words mean different things or we interpret everything we know through our personal, unique, very limited world view, the same words can mean different things to different people, depending on how we perceive the context. take the above sentence, i'm always amazed how the same words can have such different meanings, depending on the situation. i suppose it depends on body language and the subtext. meaning #1: "i think we should be (just) friends." ouch. which leads us to yet another question, does this person really mean they wanna be friends or is it just a nice (read:convenient) way of distancing themselves so that a quiet exit is possible? meaning #2: (this one always amuses me.) "on one hand, i want to get to know you better, possibly date you if things work out. on the other, i'm not sure if i want to do this (ie, i want to keep my options open) so take it easy and we'll see how things turn out." meaning #3: "i (really) think we should be friends". they mean it sincerely and it should be taken at face value because there's nothing more to this statement. haha. i wonder if there are other interpretations i missed out. anyways, i'm trying to use meaning #3 more because i've realised my boy friendships are quite complicated, what little boy friends i have anyways. i guess it's hard for me to relax around boys on a friendship level because i'm a girly kind of girl (thus there isn't much to talk about with them unless it's about serious issues, which requires a certain kind of boy perhaps) and i'm generally wary of opposite-sex friendships. some girls can do it, i'm not one of them (yet). but i'm learning and its kind of nice, especially because they give such different perspectives at times. but no one will be able to replace my girlfriends haha, they're really amazing, i could talk to them for hours, i love that feeling. anyways, i decided i won't date anyone for the rest of the year and i'm gonna focus on school and building friendships instead. even if (highly unlikely though?) i meet a boy i'm interested in, it'll be (just) friendship because gosh, i'm realising i have the worst track record ever, time to give the friends thing a try instead, friends last longer. 1

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