December 13th, 2009 10:51 am Friends Only [ ] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | we used to be friends ¨ the dandy warhols ] Hey, you know the drill- to read the 'friends only' entries, leave a comment. thanks! (: 244

October 27th, 2009 8:00 pm how much have you learned? [ ] humans, perhaps, are innately selfish creatures. at least i think so. maybe it's only when we develop some kind of connection or feeling with the other person that we begin to consider things from their perspective. or, you know, when you want to make yourself feel good to affirm you're not selfish, you'll do some small thing for someone random, something that doesn't requite much sacrifice (or thought) on your part and pat yourself on the back for it. some sociologists believe love entails three important things- sacrifice, forgiveness and commitment. i think perhaps only when we love someone (friendship or whatever counts too i suppose. different kind of love and different levels of these three things but maybe the rules still apply) we begin to become less selfish. how many ties we make are real? there are, of course, exceptions to the rule, but realistically, what are the odds that we'd encounter the exception? age old question, where do you draw the line, when do you stop making allowances for someone who is hurting? i'd have been perfectly sympathetic if you hadn't set out to manipulate. ethics have gone to shit. how'd the world become so ugly eh? aye. but i'm no saint either, we're all users and abusers.

October 18th, 2009 4:26 pm Feeling the moment slip away [ ] "Is the danger of beauty so great that it is better to live without it (The Standard Model)? Or to fall into her arms fire to fire? There is no discovery without risk and what you risk reveals what you value." - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries if i were the kind of person to get tattoos (i'm chicken, far too fickle for my own good.. and who am i kidding, i have better things to do with my already limited funds), i'd get these- "Is the danger of beauty so great that it is better to live without it? There is no discovery without risk and what you risk reveals what you value." maybe i'd get them together or separated, it kind of works both ways eh? it'd serve as a good reminder of the need to take more risks, i've grown too scared/ careful to take chances. perhaps one of the (side?) effects of growing older is coming to terms with our imminent mortality. life is fragile, everything could change in a split second, and yet that hardly factors into our daily decisions- we dangerous dash across roads while laughing with our friends, we take people and time for granted, we do crazy stunts without much thought of possible consequences. we live like we're invincible. i suppose it's easier that way, goodness knows that life would be terribly tedious if we had to weigh every action with that kind of serious weight hanging (and of course, what are the odds that that one decision would change things?). but my gosh, that doesn't change the fact that that's the reality. um, i don't know the purpose of this exactly, it's just been weighing on my mind. food for thought i guess, hah.

October 11th, 2009 1:50 am just waited for my world to fall apart [ ] escapism is something i've become good at, so good that i can't remember how it even started. then again, i've always felt as if the child i was turned out to be someone completely different from who i am at this very moment (and doubtless, no, hopefully, the person i will be in the future is someone very different from them both), as if my very essence has been changed in reaction to events that happened to me, or by a sheer force of will. prof patke once quoted some obscure author who essentially marveled about the multiplicity of 'i's. i forget the exact quote and even its context but the gist of it is, why do we use just one 'i' to refer to ourselves when we are changing all the time, as if we were exactly the same person? this sem has been different- ever since school started i've had this need (there is no other word to describe it) to close myself off, to contract my world. not all the time, and not to everyone but to most, there is this need for space that wasn't there previously and its hard to explain. it's like, things keep changing so damn fast i need time to deal and soak everything in otherwise i feel constantly bombarded. i need time to catch up with the past, to contemplate the future as well as to savour the present before uni life ends. and then the million dollar question of 'now what'. it's making me feel cornered, disaster (pessimistic much?) looming in the horizon. this sem's lectures have been the most thought-provoking and the most enjoyable. but gosh, school has never been so hectic, which is to be expected given the 6 mods i'm doing this sem. but more than that, lit is becoming painful because i keep questioning my every move. with so many deadlines, my procrastination habit worsens and a vicious cycle begins. argh. i feel like what i need most right now is stability. and concentration so i can finally focus on school. neither of which i feel as if i have right now. but time is running short and necessity does wonders i suppose. tomorrow i'm going to try to finish two essays and a presentation. for now, i'm off to bed. :/ 1

September 22nd, 2009 1:00 am [ ] sometimes i have trouble comprehending how i've gotten to this stage of my life. gosh we're 21, how did we get so old? so many distant (and not-so-distant) memories seem to have happened in another lifetime, to another person. sometimes, i can't even understand some of the decisions i made, you know those 'wtf-was-i-thinking' moments? we're living too fast, too hard, to properly savor the moments. how, how can i bottle up the time, slow things down a little? youth is wasted on the young-- truer words have never been said. sigh, gonna study all week, except wednesday night of course. there's so much work to be done. thank goodness for that little reprieve, it's been too long since tiff, rach, pei and i had a girls night out. let's hope it's a good one.

September 16th, 2009 12:06 am happiness is a warm gun [ ] lol. happy birthday cy. you know what i want most? i've figured out that i want stability. i know, it's not terribly exciting but i like knowing that things will more or less tend to an equilibrium, something safe, something comfortable. because excitement is tiring sometimes, it exhausts me. lately there's been a lot of surprises being thrown my way-- some good, some bad. i think it's made me realise how totally random some things are, how i'm really just reacting to events, that the notion of freedom is somewhat an illusion because we're so affected by other people's actions. so much can change in a second, it's really left me feeling destablized. i mean, so far i've been pleasantly surprised by things but yes, it's still disconcerting nonetheless and i would really like some semblance of stability back. there are all these random people popping in and out of my life and i'd really just like things to settle down. but at the same time, i'm pretty content with the way things are in my life right now. i have amazing people in my life (although of course there's always space for more, IF they prove themselves to be worth the effort) and i like what i'm learning. there's a quiet sort of calm i feel inside me-- at least when i'm not worrying about essay deadlines haha. i don't really know if this is happiness per say since it's a bassline kind of contentment, but yeah. so far things are good.

September 14th, 2009 2:34 pm [ ] argh, my habit of procrastinating is gong to be the death of me. I AM DAMMNN STRESSED. argh school sucks. hmm, not quite relevant but i'm toying with the idea of setting up a matchmaking agency next time, wouldn't that be nice? jiams, simone and i were talking about it one day after dinner. the classes i'm taking this sem have been really interesting, like right now my soci of family lecture is on marriage/ theories about how we select marriage partners. mate selection, damn i wish i could do a paper on that. here is where my interests lie-- in how we choose who we commit to and why. too bad there's no degree in... relationship studying? LOL. gender studies is the next best thing, i suppose, which is why i'm glad its my minor. <3

September 8th, 2009 1:25 am go back to where you know your heart is [ ] friendships should come with an expiry date sometimes, i think. it'd make things easier. then there's no guilt about what/ who to hold on to, no disappointment that comes along with hoping a friendship would work out when there's nothing to sustain it. how do i know who i consider my friends? i ask myself if i care about them, if i care about what goes on in their lives, if they have the capacity to make me feel things- happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment. that's also how you tell if people have stopped mattering to you, and you know then it's time to cut them out of your life. sometimes even the people change, we change, we outgrow some friendships or find that the bonds that hold us together have broken, that's a fact of life. sometimes it's so much better to let a friendship go than hold on to something and watch it disintegrate til the good times have been replaced by bitter memories. ruthless? maybe. but so many people pass through our lives so you have to ask yourself which are the ones worth keeping. i'm realising friendship takes effort, it's an investment emotionally. caring about someone means you give them the power to hurt you, because trust is involved, because you're vulnerable. and that's one thing i'm realising that i hate feeling. i'm especially guarded these days, my friendship doesn't come easily, it has to be earned-- through thought-provoking conversation, through nonsensical jokes, through the building of trust. can i trust you enough to let you see the real me, to tell you what i feel about things truly? epicflailer knows me inside out the way only one or two others do, and i'm reminded how lucky i am to have her in my life. <3 the lines which separate, 'insider' and 'outsider' remain entrenched stronger than ever. for example, though i've known EH only a year, i'm starting to wonder how i managed without his friendship, he means more to me than lennard&cy who i've known for years. perhaps it's a matter of the depth of friendship. i know who the people who truly matter to me are, i shall concentrate on caring about them and not waste my energy on the rest.

September 6th, 2009 11:19 pm what's the story, morning glory? [ ] did they push forward halloween and forget to send me the memo? because damn, i've had a helluva week, straight out of the twilight zone. not just one or two odd events but dammit, four wth-are-you-kidding-me kind of improbable events, not necessarily good or bad, but uhhhh, situations i never really thought i'd find myself in. arghhhhhhh, why my life so drama? :(( 1

September 5th, 2009 1:00 am we're the new face of failure/ prettier and younger but not any better off [ ] "i think we should be friends." language is kind of a crazy notion if you think about it. we're basically stringing sounds and agreeing that a certain combination of those sounds strung together refer to something. and i guess because some words mean different things or we interpret everything we know through our personal, unique, very limited world view, the same words can mean different things to different people, depending on how we perceive the context. take the above sentence, i'm always amazed how the same words can have such different meanings, depending on the situation. i suppose it depends on body language and the subtext. meaning #1: "i think we should be (just) friends." ouch. which leads us to yet another question, does this person really mean they wanna be friends or is it just a nice (read:convenient) way of distancing themselves so that a quiet exit is possible? meaning #2: (this one always amuses me.) "on one hand, i want to get to know you better, possibly date you if things work out. on the other, i'm not sure if i want to do this (ie, i want to keep my options open) so take it easy and we'll see how things turn out." meaning #3: "i (really) think we should be friends". they mean it sincerely and it should be taken at face value because there's nothing more to this statement. haha. i wonder if there are other interpretations i missed out. anyways, i'm trying to use meaning #3 more because i've realised my boy friendships are quite complicated, what little boy friends i have anyways. i guess it's hard for me to relax around boys on a friendship level because i'm a girly kind of girl (thus there isn't much to talk about with them unless it's about serious issues, which requires a certain kind of boy perhaps) and i'm generally wary of opposite-sex friendships. some girls can do it, i'm not one of them (yet). but i'm learning and its kind of nice, especially because they give such different perspectives at times. but no one will be able to replace my girlfriends haha, they're really amazing, i could talk to them for hours, i love that feeling. anyways, i decided i won't date anyone for the rest of the year and i'm gonna focus on school and building friendships instead. even if (highly unlikely though?) i meet a boy i'm interested in, it'll be (just) friendship because gosh, i'm realising i have the worst track record ever, time to give the friends thing a try instead, friends last longer. 1

September 1st, 2009 11:58 pm make out kids [ ] what does a kiss mean exactly? does it mean anything? can two people make out and still be just friends? I'm taking this sociology class on sexuality (it's super interesting, it talks about so many issues, for example the emotional mechanics of sex- how it consolidates emotional ties etc) and apparently, the significance of kissing isn't so much the physical pleasure (although of course that is one part of it) but in that it often builds up sexual excitement through reciprocal interaction (eg, since tongue kissing interrupts breathing, it increases the intensity of one's own breathing and that of one's partner and, especially when coupled with close body contact, activates mutual arousal). also, tongue kissing is especially erotic because it passes a social barrier into a realm of action that is generally not allowed, and which is symbolically connected with signaling erotic intimacy. at the same time, i'd tell you that kissing is just like hand-holding, its significance lies in what you personally make of it. after all, we're mature enough to separate the physical from our emotions. and to some extent i still believe in that. but perhaps i'm learning that actions have consequences. if either party is seeing someone, perhaps its not a good idea (obvious ethical concerns aside). perhaps its not the act itself but the residual feelings of intimacy which wreck havoc, at least in my case. it's precisely that our friendship means something to me that i can't play with fire. if he meant nothing (if he was a stranger, acquaintance or someone i found hot but didn't care about) maybe it'd be possible. because then the boy would be a disembodied object, as i'm sure i would have been to him, it'd be purely physical, rather than this dangerous grey pretending to be black and white. and maybe it's also what happens after the making out that creates problems. i don't want to have to wonder if he thinks i'm cheap (despite the fact that he was the one who made the first move, as guys often do) for a decision we made together. (what's this sexual double standard anyway, it infuriates the hell out of me) because i might not care (as much?) about what other people think about me, but i deeply care what my friends think. and i guess the winning point is this, i don't know if i can be as far removed as i was the next time i have to listen to him talk about a girl he's seeing, which would wreck this awesome friendship we have going. that's what scares me most i think. i'd rather just ignore whatever possible thing it is we have between us. bottom line is, i want more than just that, more than just the physical. there's nothing wrong with that (in fact, that can be its own heaven) but yeah, right now i think i'd rather save my emotions for people who actually really want the whole package. huh, i guess i'm finally learning my lessons and thinking things through thoroughly. YESSSS. 3

August 31st, 2009 6:47 pm the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference [ ] "People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out / Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout." i began a rant about how disappointed i was with you and how, once upon a time, i agonized over our capricious friendship. you changed the way i looked at things and i thought i'd forever be indebted to you for that. it's sad to know this is how the story ends but ok. it doesn't matter anymore, you slowly lost significance to me and you didn't even care. slowly, i guess i stopped caring too. until it came to a point where i didn't even notice it. don't you think that's a pity? i do, and i tried to keep in touch with you somehow but it doesn't work like that does it? sigh. i don't know how it got like this but have a nice life _______. 1

August 27th, 2009 8:13 pm i only want to be wanted by you [ ] [ music | one step at a time- jordin sparks ] here's a powerful notion: if someone wants to meet up with you, they will. there's no such thing as being 'too busy', that's bullshit. granted, they might be busy for a period of time, so you might have to wait awhile to see them. but eventually, if you mean enough to them, they'll take time out of their busy schedule for you, even if it's only for a while. and well, if you don't see them, you know it's because you don't mean enough to them. all the intentions in the world mean squat next to real action, i guess that's how you know the truth. then again, he's always been doing the asking, and it always seems as if i always have other plans. but what do you expect when you don't give me (much) advance notice? :/ here's the thing, i want him to want to spend time with me. but i don't get that feeling from him despite our somewhat promising start. and maybe that's because we're both not sure if we want to start anything (i mean, we might not, but what if?). or maybe i'm just afraid i'll get to know him and i'll just be so awkward, we're so different. or maybe i already know this is not it. figures that when i finally decide i'm getting over this commitment-phobia, i start running into brick walls. anyways, bottom line is, perhaps the time apart to let whatever this is die off is good. then we can get to being friends. i suppose i'm not good at not getting what i want, i always seem to want what i can't have, and when i finally get it, i change my mind. its extraordinarily juvenile, i know. and the thing that puzzles me most is that this attitude doesn't apply, unless it's to do with affairs of the heart. sigh, hindsight is 20/20, i feel like this is cosmic karma biting me in the ass. God, i know how M felt ok? i was an ass, i'm sorry, can the stars align again so i can get my old carefree life back? 3

August 26th, 2009 10:51 pm brain sex [ ] spent the day with carol and here are some of the things she helped me realise. (: what's your idea of the perfect date? 6th july haha i've always thought that this was an interesting question to ask someone because the answer given is really quite revealing-- if not of the person's character/ what they value, then at least of the frame of mind they are in at that point in time, what they're looking for. of course, the answer changes as time goes by, as most things do. and you know, it's always an interesting way to get new ideas ;) maybe if you asked me this awhile back, i wouldn't have had a real answer for you. perhaps i'd have said doing something exciting or something romantic or something utterly spontaneous (or all three haha). after all, we're talking about perfection here, fantasies are a given and i think each of the three things add that extra oomph. but you know, now i think i've changed my answer. it's taken awhile, but i think at the end of the day it boils down to this: delicious food (sigh, as i grow older it seems my appreciation for food is increasing, despite the fact that my metabolism rate isn't. i call it the 'burgeoning inner fat kid' syndrome since i never really liked food until now lol), stimulating/ insightful conversation and a little bit of chemistry that gives you butterflies in your stomach. the first and last is more or less self-explanatory. delicious food isn't hard to find and finding that initial omg-i-can't-look-away spark hasn't really been my problem. stimulating conversation though, is more complicated than it seems. it's not just the problem of finding a topic (one that reveals something about ourselves but not something too revealing either because that's usually much too personal, especially early on) but also how we respond to what the other person says. i'm fine with contrary points of view, in fact most times that's what makes the impact, but more importantly what i said needs to have been taken seriously enough to be thoroughly considered. perhaps that's the one thing i hate about dating older boys, sometimes they think they know better and dismiss other views. but yes, stimulating conversation (ie, the meeting of minds, aka brain sex) is essentially what makes or breaks the date because that's how friendship forms, that's an important part (i feel) of whether or not its just infatuation or something stronger. actually, come to think of it, that's how i differentiate friends from acquaintances. if we have a "meaningful" conversation (ie, we exchange views on different topics, and i'm comfortable enough with the person to let them hear my true opinions), i know this friendship is worth something. because honestly, i don't have the effort in me anymore to care about everyone, i'm learning that i just need a few special people in my life and more than that's enough. 2

August 22nd, 2009 11:07 am bubble boy [ ] i've met so many different kinds of people in uni and it's really been an eye-opener, but i can't help but realise that for all this talk of meritocracy, so many social barriers still exist. maybe it's my environment, or the (limited?) group of people i "click" with, but it seems like even in uni, we're still in a bubble. i keep meeting variations of the same people, people with the same ideals, goals and beliefs. which you know, is great because we have lots in common. but then how are we supposed to grow, when we don't really meet people who hold genuinely contrary points of view or value systems? by chance, i met someone with, among other differences, serious tattoos running down his entire back (omg, it was even more massive than timmy's). granted, tattoos are just tattoos, but i think here it's a visual representation of the kind of lifestyle he's had. we got to talking and i realised it was like we were living in entirely different worlds, there are so many things i haven't seen, so many notions that haven't occurred to me. uhhh, i'm not sure i'm ready to face those kinds of differences but it gave me something to think about. in general, this year i guess i've been trying to break out of the familiar. i wonder what else i've been blind to?

August 19th, 2009 12:53 am because your scars are like stars [ ] sometimes it amazes me, all the things that have passed. how can feelings that at the time meant so much, turn out to be just an impulse, a fleeting moment in time? or perhaps, conditions had set it up such that what appeared to be, turned out, well... not to be. and when you look back at history, at all the friendships and relationships or even events, you stand amazed. at least, i'm often surprised by how things turn out, life's so unpredictable. here's the thing about history, a million things happen to us everyday-- events that might even seem trivial to us, but to someone else could have a huge impact, or perhaps events that we forget as soon as its over. and since we can't remember every single moment, we can choose what to remember, and what to forget. i have a friend (past), or acquaintance (present) whose meaning to me has changed. i choose to remember the good times, that we're supposed to be friends in a clique. sometimes i even manage to fool myself. but i've glimpsed aspects of his character that really disgusts me and to forget that would be to unlearn those life-altering lessons he taught me. we can choose what to remember, but some things just shouldn't/ cannot be forgotten. i believe in second chances but dipped in a healthy dose of cautiousness and skepticism. alas, cynicism becomes me.

August 11th, 2009 8:32 pm hold me and watch the apocolypse [ ] time passes so fast, it races by and so many novel activities that once used to fill us with wonder becomes just another mechanized action. it is, of course, only natural, it enables us to move along life without being constantly bombarded. but sometimes it seems like we're just functioning on auto-pilot. the truth is, i can't remember what i did for half my summer holidays. i can tell you i spent it with friends- outings with jiayi, with the cj boys, guitar-hero sessions with nat and nic, dinner with simone/ jiams, coffee with carol and lennard, shopping with debs. and of course, the japan trip and all those camps. but these are just words, its hard to single out specific memories, they mesh together even though these moments mean so much. something else slightly tragic i learnt this summer was that things only become significant if you attach meaning to it, otherwise its just another random event that happened to you. so many things that i thought meant something, really turned out to be nothing. when i finally decided to let go, i found it had already lost meaning, quietly, without me even realising. makes me wonder what else i've talked myself into over-valuing, perhaps. even with friendships, sometimes we fool ourselves, sometimes they're just marriages of convenience but we pretend it means more. of course, sometimes things are genuine, its not all doom and gloom. differentiating them is tough, i've never been good at math. these days i'm starting to wonder what really matters, questions about existence perhaps. no, i'm not suicidal, not even close, but there must be something i want to live for--what exactly? we're all empty inside and we look for purpose, what's mine? 3

August 8th, 2009 4:55 pm ehhhhh. [ ] haha oh no, apparently i'm a poor judge of characterrrr? so many of my initial impressions of my campmates were wayyy off-base-- which is both good and bad, actually. people are fascinating, but also a little scary. DAMNNN tired now, i'd like to sleep for a week, and get rid of this somewhat sexier (or well, just really hoarse) voice lol. but all the camps, albeit with most of the same ppl, were pretty damn awesome. (: 2

August 4th, 2009 9:36 pm there was another time in my life [ ] And I'm out of your range Now it's kind of strange How we change orbit in our lives some things never change. but i see him as he is (well, not everything but certainly that which concerns me), and i suppose that's the important thing. true colours, i guess that's something you only see with time. every time i let my guard down and think we can be real friends, i'm reminded why he disgusts me. strong words but i don't say this with hate. goodness, time changes so much though. i wonder sometimes what on earth i had been thinking. but you know me, no regrets. and surprisingly i don't regret the choices i made in the past. i learnt alot, lessons that changed me and made me understand things a little better, and i guess ultimately that's my priority. perhaps i need to learn to take my emotions out of things, it is exhausting. and courage, that's what i need i think. courage in everything, and wisdom. and maybe, the strength to trust.

August 3rd, 2009 10:34 pm backkk from japan [ ] Tokyo was AMAZING. i fell back in love with photography while i was there- not just the beautiful scenery and cityscape, but with the people. the way they dress is quite unique, you can see a general sort of cohesiveness, and yet they're not afraid to experiment with quirky accessories or patterns such that they turn out to be quite distinct (: sooo awesome. you'll see what i mean when i get the photos up sometime this/ next week. and maybe this time apart has been a good thing. i'm still not sure what this is, but hopefully time will tell. 2

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